LD Masterson

Caption Contest

2012-05-30T01:49:00.002-04:00

Wednesday: Happy Hump Day!

I am so glad it's Wednesday. Last Friday's post was troubling and Monday's was somber (befitting the occasion). But today it's time for some fun. And to celebrate, we're having a...

Hump Day Caption Contest

I haven't done one of these for awhile so let's go over the rules. Below are five funny pictures. Give me your best caption for one or more of them. For each caption you leave in your comment, I'll add your name to the drawing: five captions = five chances to win.

The winner gets a free book selected from a list (assorted genres) I will e-mail to him/her after the drawing. U.S. and Canadian entries only, please. I can't afford the postage for my friends across the pond (any of the ponds). And make sure to leave your e-mail address.

Ready? Let see those captions.

(Please ignor the caption already on this on. I know you can do better.)

Lord, that last one cracks me up.

Okay, did you come up with some good ones? I love to do this because your captions are the best part of the post. Hope you enjoy it, too.

You have until midnight on Saturday, June 2, to enter your comments.

Groaner of the Day: One day, a man decided to learn some new sports. He spent time finding out what was available and after a few months, he called some of his friends to watch him try out some of his ideas.

They all followed him up to the top of a local cliff. Not a big cliff, but still they were puzzled about why he had taken them there.

"Let me show you," he said, and produced from a cage a small yellow bird. He held the bird by the feet, and proceeded to jump off the cliff.

His friends were obviously worried, but he was fine, albeit slightly bruised, and returned to the top of the cliff.

"Well, " he said, after a pause, "I don't think much of this budgie-jumping."

So, then he revealed that he had also brought a chicken with him. His friends were forced to watch an almost identical sequence of events all over again.

Once again, he hit the sand at the bottom of the cliff, trudged back to the top, and said to his by now growing audience, "Hen-gliding doesn't seem to work for me either."

Finally, he tried once more. This time, it was a parrot. Again, he leapt off the cliff holding the unfortunate bird by the feet. This time though, as he jumped, he pulled out a hand gun, and shot the bird as he fell.

The end results were pretty much the same, though, and he arrived at the top of the cliff with yet more bruises.

The crowd waited to hear what he would say this time.

He paused, scratched his head, and opened his mouth.

The crowd hushed....

Finally, he said: "And that's the last time I try parrot-shooting too."

(Hey, what are complaining about? That was three groans for the price of one.)

Thank You

2012-05-28T00:06:00.000-04:00

Monday: Mystery, Murder, and Manuscripts

...and Memorial Day

Okay, it's Monday and Mondays are reserved for...well, you know. But it's a holiday. A rather important holiday. So I'm making an exception and sharing the following.

I went to church Sunday morning, as I usually do. At the end of the service, our Pastor directed the congregation outside where he led us in a short Memorial Day ceremony. It wasn't a big production. A small color guard of Scouts lowered the flag to half-staff accompanied by the playing of Taps, and we all sang America the Beautiful.

But reflect a moment.

The freedom to worship in the church of our choosing.

The freedom to stand in the sunshine and honor our flag.

The freedom to sing songs of praise for our country and afterward to leave there and go wherever we wanted.

Freedom isn't free.

Someone picked up the tab.

For us.

We need to remember.

We need to say thank you.

"A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to 'The United States of America' for an amount of 'up to and including my life'."

Thank you.

Groaner of the Day: A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3:00 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop.

Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"

The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, and tossed it out of his way. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle, and was once again tossed overboard.

The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns.

When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.

"What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.

"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"

Unanswered Questions

2012-05-25T01:30:00.000-04:00

I normally try to keep my posts lighthearted but I hope you'll forgive me if I'm in a darker place today.

I had planned to do a post on the end of the school year and the happy memories it brings. Two of my grandchildren finished their year yesterday, the other two have a couple weeks left. A very exciting time for kids, full of plans for the summer.

Expect for Paul, a thirteen year old eighth grader at my grandson's school, who came home on Tuesday, took a gun and ended his life.

I don't have all the facts surrounding Paul's death. I don't know if anyone does. My grandson tells me the stories going around school all say that Paul was being bullied. Police and school officials say that is not the case. The media seemed disinclined to get involved until a group of parents - who may or may not have any real facts - staged an anti-bullying protest in front of the school today. Even then, only one local TV channel reported the event.

A number of student-generated Facebook pages have sprung up, mourning Paul and denouncing bullies and bullying. There was also a site asking all students to wear a white shirt on the last day of school to protest bullying and in memory of Paul, which my grandson says many did. Of course, the comments on these sites now include statements from other students saying they have been bullied and at least one parent talking about her child being bullied.

The school is talking about their no-bullying policy. Teachers receive special training in that area and the students attend anti-bullying programs. Victims are encouraged to come forward, bullies are punished. Or are they? How do you measure the effectiveness of an anti-bullying policy?

As far as I know, Paul's parents have not spoken publicly on the subject.

My heart breaks for Paul's family and for the loss of this young life, but my mind is looking for answers. Was Paul bullied into taking his own life? Did the school system that was supposed to keep him safe fail him? Or are the accusations of bullying the kneejerk reaction of people who simply need someone to blame?

Why should I be so troubled by this? Well, because a young man is dead. And because we're talking about my grandson's school. And because next year, he will be in the eighth grade.

A groaner seems inappropriate today so I'm just going to ask you to say a prayer for Paul's family. And perhaps you could also pray that children of all ages will someday learn to treat each other with acceptance and love.

Thanks.

There's a Shirt For That

2012-05-23T00:25:00.000-04:00

Happy Hump Day

There was a time when truth could be poured out in an endless stream of words. Pages and pages spent exploring the human condition. Or whatever. Now words are limited. Blogs, posts, tweets - each shorter than the last - carrying in a handful of words those critical messages.

Today we're going to look at one of those great vehicles of highly condenced truth:

THE T-SHIRT

Of course, this is a blog about writing, so I'm limiting our tour to t-shirt truths on the subject of writing.

We all know what it takes to get the job done.

Of course, sometimes you've battled back all your distractions only to find your muse has flown.

But you push on, getting your first draft completed. Time to edit. So you call in the...

Sometimes these guys get a little grumpy, especially if you make the same mistakes over and over.

Still, you can't let that slow you down. Every writer knows...

And so you have. It's written, it's polished, it's published. Time to remind the world...

So, as we end our t-shirt truth tour, let me just say ....

How about you? Seen any good t-shirt truths lately?

And I can't deny you your Hump Day "Aw".

Happy Hump Day.

Groaner of the Day: Two men were in the process of inventing a new brand of gum. They were arguing over the fact that their new gum was too hard and brittle and didn't have the right consistency.

One of the inventors insisted they simply had to add more liquid to their primary secret ingredient, code named "Yewin".

The other argued adamantly. "No, No, No! It's not wetter Yewin that counts... it's how you ply the gum!"

(ouch)

From the Master - Sir Alfred Hitchcock

2012-05-21T01:01:00.000-04:00

Monday: Mystery, Murder, and Manuscripts

In last Monday's post, Boo! I Scared You. (Surprise verses Suspense), I referenced a famous quote from the master of suspense, Sir Alfred Hitchcock. The quote drew a lot of comments so I went hunting for more advice from the master. What I found were some quotes that are just too good not to share.

On movies:

"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder"

An actor, discussing his character, asked Hitchcock, "What is my motivation?"
Hitchcock replied, "Your salary."

An actress asked Hitchcock which was her better profile, left or right.
His reply: "My dear, you're sitting on your best profile."

His camera crew informed him that Tallulah Bankhead's habit of not wearing underpants was creating problems during the filming of Lifeboat.
Hitchcock: "I don't know if this is a matter for the costume department or the hairdresser."

A woman complained that the famous shower scene so frightened her daughter that the girl would no longer shower.
His reply: "Then Madam I suggest you have her dry cleaned."

"Disney has the best casting. If he doesn't like an actor he just tears him up."

On TV:

"Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some."

"Television has brought murder back into the home - where it belongs"

And the rest of these could easily apply to writing as well as film:

His mission in life: "to simply scare the hell out of people."

"Always make the audience suffer as much as possible."

Why people loved his thrillers: "They like to put their toe in the cold water of fear."

"Some of our most exquisite murders have been domestic, performed with tenderness in simple, homey places like the kitchen table."

"There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it."

And my favorite...

"Drama is life with the dull bits left out"

Oh, one more - on the subject of books...

"This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book -- it makes a very poor doorstop."

What else is there to say?

Which one is your favorite?

Groaner of the Day: (We hardly need one after all that so here's a shorty.) I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He claims he can stop any time.

When Do You Bail on a Book?

2012-05-18T00:43:00.000-04:00

My monthly book group, Tea & Mystery, met last night. Although some of our members prefer coffee to tea, we all love reading the same mystery and discussing it. Through the group, I've found many titles and authors that have become favorites of mine.

This month's selection wasn't one of those.

At the beginning of the meeting, over half the members admitted they hadn't finished the book. I was one of them. This is very unusual for me. I always make an effort to get the group book finished in time for the meeting. Occasionally I run out of time but I don't recall ever just deciding not to finish.

For one thing, I'm very character driven. Once I make a connection with a character I simply have to find out what happens to him/her. Even if the story is weak or the writing doesn't appeal to me, I stay with it until the end. I can't walk away without knowing.

With this book, I read well past the introduction of all the major characters and story threads (there were a bunch), but there was no connection. I tried to force myself to keep going but I reached a point where I had to admit I had no interest in finishing this book. I really didn't care what happened to these characters or who had done what to who and why. I also decided my time is too valuable to waste reading a book I didn't enjoy.

Wow. What a concept. A bit of an epiphany for me. I didn't have to finish.

How about you? Once you start a book, do you feel you have to finish it?

How far do you read before you decide it's not for you?

Do you have a point of no return - if you made it that far, you'll stay to the end?

What will make you give up on a book?

Do you think readers are quicker to give up on a book now than they were twenty years ago?

If you're a writer, do you think you're more inclined to finish a book (knowing all the work that went into writing it) or more inclined to bail (because you read with a more critical eye)?

Groaner of the Day: Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.

Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

Arnold says........
.
.
.
.
(wait for it)
.
.
.
.
(oh, come on, you know what's coming)
.
.
.
.
(okay, here it is)
.
.
.
.
"I'll be Bach."

(hee hee hee)

Borderline Naughty?

2012-05-16T00:49:00.000-04:00

It's Wednesday. Happy Hump Day.

Last week's pictures were all kind of over-the-top sweet so this week I'm balancing the scales. Nothing that requires a "Mature Audience" warning, but maybe more chuckles than "Aw"s.

First a joke:

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained, "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude was never invited back.

Now a question for the ages:

(Or is that for the aged?)

A Conversation in Heaven

Hi, Wanda.

Well, hi there, Sylvia. I didn't know you were here already. How'd you die?

I froze to death.

How horrible!

It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

So, what happened?

I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, dear...we'd both still be alive.

Okay, you get at least one "Aw":

I'm ready for my walk now.

And a thought for the day for all my writer friends:

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Okay, do you feel fortified? Can you make it over the mid-week hump and onto the downhill slope toward the weekend? Good. Then my job here is done.

(Please don't forget to say hi while you're here.)

Groaner of the Day: What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

Boo! I Scared You. (Surprise verses Suspense)

2012-05-14T00:15:00.000-04:00

Monday: Mystery, Murder, and Manuscripts

My grandkids, and my sons before them, always delight in sneaking up behind me or popping out in front of me and shouting BOO. (Someday I’m going to explain to them the concept of little old ladies and heart attacks.) This action is usually followed but that age old question: Did I scare you?

When they were little, I always said yes. That was the point of the game, after all. But lately, I’ve taken to saying no. “You startled me,” I explain. “There’s a difference.”

Simply stated, startled is a reaction to an event, scared (fear) is an emotion born of anticipation. In writing, we look at this as the difference between surprise and suspense.

There is an oft quoted explanation given by the master of suspense, Sir Alfred Hitchcock, that says if two people are sitting at a table having a conversation and a bomb goes off, that’s surprise; but if they’re sitting there having that conversation and the audience/reader knows there’s a bomb under the table set to detonate in a few minutes, that’s suspense.

One makes us jump; the other makes us squirm.

But they are not mutually exclusive. Mysteries tend to be more about surprise. An intellectual puzzle with the reader learning the clues along with the characters. But add in an element of danger, something we know will happened if our hero can’t solve the crime – now our emotions are engaged as well. The same is true in reverse. After our hero has taken that long walk through a dark alley (where we know the villain lies in wait)—drawing our nerves taut with anticipation—there has to be that unexpected event or action that breaks the tension and allows our hero to prevail. The surprise.

So while your story may be a mystery or it may be a suspense/thriller, the telling of the story still needs at least a little of each.

And if I hear a strange noise in the basement, and nervously tiptoe down the stairs, wondering what it could be, and just as I reach the bottom someone jumps out and yells BOO!… Okay, kids, you got me. Now let’s talk about cardiac arrest.

How about you? Do you like/write a little suspense in your mysteries? A little surprise in your suspense?

Groaner of the Day: A software engineer tests new programs by seeing if it's simple enough for his computer-challenged brother to use.

This is known as the "Brother-can-use paradigm".

(Betcha had to say it out loud.)

Touchstones

2012-05-11T11:59:00.001-04:00

I saw my son on TV last night. It was one of those community affairs programs and he was speaking as a Board Member of a local charity. He looked good, dressed in one of his fancy banker suits, and his smile was as engaging on camera as it is in person. He sounded confident and at ease as he answered the moderator's questions and I listened proudly while he talked about the organization and how the community could offer support. But my eyes zeroed in on a tiny, almost invisible, line not far above his left eye - a souvenir from a collision with the coffee table when he was three.

Afterwards, I thought about it and realized I'd actually searched for that tiny scar. It look me a while to figure out why.

The successful banker/charity board member is someone I love very much, someone who lives in a world that I happily visit but have never lived in. This is the man my son grew into, the life he created for himself long after he left the nest. If I looked hard enough at the image on the screen, I could almost see the teenager he had been, but there was no sign of the little boy who once shared my world with me.

That little boy lives in my memories, he's there in a thousand photographs, but sometimes it's hard to find the boy inside the man. I think that tiny scar has become a touchstone for me, a constant that provides a link to days long ago.

So even while I watched the handsome man on TV, admiring his poise and taking pride in how well he spoke, I found that tiny scar...and saw my little boy.

So, how about you? What touchstones do you have in your life? What kinds of things provide you with a link to another time or place?

Oh, in case you're looking - you can't see the scar in this picture. It's just under his hair.

Groaner of the Day: A young boy had a job bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store manager had a machine installed for squeezing fresh orange juice.

The young lad was most intrigued by this machine, and he asked if he would be allowed to run it, to make the juice. The manager refused, and the boy demanded to know why.

"Sorry, kid," the manager explained, "but baggers can't be juicers."

Happy Hump Day and a Couple Extras

2012-05-09T00:45:00.003-04:00

Happy Hump Day. But before we get to this week's collection of sillies there's something I have to do.

Happy Birthday, Dad.

You'll aways be my #1 hero.

I also want to remind everyone that Maria Zanni's new blog Back to Basics officially launched yesterday. The first topic was Emergency Funds. What? You don't have one? Better get over to Back to Basics right away. And become a Follower while you're there.

Okay, on to our Hump Day nonsense...

Good grief. I think that cat lives around here.

Ah well, sh*t happens.

Poor kitty. Bet she coughs up an really impressive hairball.

Uh oh.

Oh, this must be how we got the zombie cat in the first picture.

And this brings us to the question of the day...

How do you pop bubble wrap? Are you a one bubble at a time person or do you like firing them off in clusters? Pop randomly or follow the rows? Oh no, don't even try to tell me you don't pop it at all. Just fess up. We're all friends here.

Groaner of the Day: (just a short one since you've already had enough silly stuff) Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here. I'll go on a head.'

From the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop - Blogging, Branding, and Social Media, Part 2

2012-05-07T01:52:00.000-04:00

As promised last Monday, here are more tips gathered at the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop. Last week we focused on blogging, this week is on branding and using social media.

I'm going to admit up front that I'm not social media savvy. I don't Tweet, I'm only slighted LinkedIn, and I started my Facebook page because that's where my kids kept putting the grandkid pictures. Right now, maintaining my blog and visiting/commenting on yours is as far as I go. So what you're getting here is what I heard from people in the know, passed along to you without any testing or endorsement.

Of course, if you can add to what's here from your own knowledge and experience, please do. Including disagreements, if you have any. We all benefit from a good exchange of ideas.

That said, here are:

14 tips on branding and using social media.

Branding:

Voice lives on the page, brand takes the voice beyond the page.

The most critical part of voice and brand is consistency. Make is easy for people to "get" you.

Keep the same voice from your blog to Facebook to Twitter to whatever.

Coin a word or phrase that becomes your verbal logo and use it everywhere you post (this was also mentioned in Part 1).

Using Social Media:

Define your brand, community, objectives, and goals

Build a list.
• Gather contact info (e-mails and such), get sign-ups for a newsletter and/or RSS
• Use this list (judiciously) to ask for help in promoting an event or new release

Survey your community on their social media preferences
• Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Pinterest, etc.

• Ask about schedule – when/how often would they like to hear from you

Plan your updates to fit their schedule and likes.

• Keep these sort of updates conversational (small talk), not promotional.

• Toss out ideas and see what attracts interest

Schedule your updates in advance and use auto-post features

Use tweets to drive people to your blog and Facebook page. Promote the same blog multiple times with different tweets.

Link everything together - Blog to LinkedIn to Facebook, etc.

When you're re-posting those graphics with your watermarked link (see Part 1), add a text link as well. Watermarked links aren't "clickable' and you want to make it as easy as possible for people to find you.

Add the buttons – Facebook Like, Tweet It, etc. – to all your posts.

SHARE every blog post, guest post, whatever you do

Okay, what do you think? Do you do any or all of these? How do they work for you?

Groaner of the Day: (a little something from Confucius) Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

A New Plan and a New Blog

2012-05-04T00:33:00.000-04:00

I'll be getting back to more from the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop on Monday but in the meantime I want to tell you about one tip I'm going to try on my own blog.

In a session on 'building your brand', the speaker advised us to be consistance - always keep the same voice within our blogs and across whatever social media we may use. She also said the voice had to be consistant with the purpose of the blog. Well, that pulled me up short. To be really honest, I started a blog to build an online presence because I hope to get a novel published someday and it's generally accepted that an author needs an online presence. So far so good. I rather enjoy blogging and I like to mix posts about writing with personal topics, general information, and lots of humor. But I write mystery/suspence, and not the lighthearted kind.

Uh oh.

So if someone is interested in my suspense novel and they check out my blog and hit a post I've written just for laughs, am I ~~screwed~~ in trouble?

I asked a couple of the workshop faculty and got some mixed responses. The concensus was I might have a problem. So I'm going to try something of a workaround. Starting next week - well, actually I started this week - I'm going to follow a new post schedule. Mondays will be Mystery, Murder, and Manuscripts, where we'll talk about mystery (suspense, crime drama, etc.) or about writing or maybe about writing mysteries. This will be my serious author day. On Wednesday, I'm keeping Happy Hump Day. Just because it's fun. Friday will be For Everything Else. Might be serious, might not.

Okay, that's the plan. What do you think? Seriously. I'd appreciate your feedback on this.

I also promised you a new blog. Nope, not mine, but one I think pretty much everyone can benefit from.

Maria Zannini is lauching a blog titled Back to Basics which is tied to her excellent book series and Facebook page The Frugal Way. As Maria describes it, Back to Basics is "more than frugal living or how to make a few extra bucks. It's about creating the Have-More life without donating a spleen."

Well, who can't use that?

The official launch of Back to Basics is next Tuesday, although there are a couple warm up posts already in place. While you're waiting, check out The Frugal Way which is loaded with links to great free stuff. You need to Like this page. And I hope you'll give Maria a great launch day on Tuesday - visit, follow, share, tweet, enjoy. Make her day.

One final note - I'm going to be away from my computer most of Friday so if you leave a comment - and please do - forgive me for not answering right away. I'll also be late visiting everyone else's blogs, but I will get there.

Groaner of the Day: (keeping it short, it's Friday) This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore

Happy Hump Day - Every Cat Should Have a Dog

2012-05-02T00:12:00.001-04:00

Happy Hump Day.

As usual, today I'm just offering a little something to get you over the mid-week hump and onto the downhill slope to the weekend.

I've never put together an easier post. This week I received an e-mail titled Every Cat Should Have a Dog with eighteen great cat and dog pictures, just perfect for making you smile. The only hard part was chosing which six to include here. Hope you like my selections.

Best friends?

Yeah, yeah, I love you, too.

No, he's mine. You can't have him.

I just love my furry hat.

This one is too perfect for words.

Bet you said "Aw."

On Friday I'll be talking a bit more about the Erma Bombeck Workshop and telling you about a terrific new blog that everyone will be able to use.

And here's your...

Groaner of the Day: (It's a long one today since this post was mostly pictures.)

Once there was a circus that boasted the great Lion Tamer. The grand finale of his act included placing his head in a lion's mouth.

Unfortunately, the circus was losing money and could not afford to keep all the animals. Finally the lions were sold to cut expenses but the owner hated to fire the Lion Tamer so he made this offer...

"Your lions are gone but if you can come up with an act with what we have left, you've got a job."

"Well, I do need a job," the Lion Tamer said. "What animals do you have left?"

"Well," the owner said, "the only animal I have left is my faithful old Bassett hound. I'd never sell him!"

"I'll take him," said the Tamer.

So the Lion Tamer worked with the Bassett hound and taught him the entire lion act. The dog caught on right away, but there was a problem - no way was the Lion Tamer's head going to fit into the dog's mouth.

"My foot will fit," the Lion Tamer said, so he tried it, and sure enough the dog picked that up too.

Opening night, the Lion Tamer did the act with the Bassett hound, and the crowd loved it. They'd never seen anything like it before. At the end of the act, when the Lion Tamer put his foot into the dog's mouth, the crowd went wild.

"Encore, encore!" the crowd yelled.

Well, the Lion Tamer hadn't planned an encore, so he thought to himself, "If one foot is good, two is better."

He stuck his other foot into the dog's mouth. The two feet together were too much for the dog and he started choking and gasping, and finally out of self-preservation, he clamped his jaws shut, biting off the Lion Tamer's legs at mid-calf.

And the moral of this story....?

Don't put all your legs in one Bassett.

(Oh, I'm sorry. That really was bad.)

From the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop - Blogging, Branding, and Social Media, Part 1

2012-04-30T11:49:00.000-04:00

As I mentioned last week, earlier this month I had the pleasure of attending the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop. The overall event was wonderful, with members of Erma's family on hand to read some of their personal favorites from her work and some excellent (FUNNY) guest speakers.

From a writing standpoint, the Erma probably wasn't the best fit for me. The focus, naturally, was on humor and I write mostly mystery and suspense, but there were a number of breakout sessions that crossed genre lines. Three that I enjoyed were on blogging and using social media to create and promote your brand. These were led by Debba Haupert, Anna Lefler, and Nettie Reynolds.

I planned to do a post today on all the good tips I gathered from these three sessions but there were just too many for a single post, so this morning I'm going to focus on blogging and I'll follow up with the rest next Monday.

13 (gasp) tips on blogging from the EBWW:

Know why you're blogging. Have a mission statement (even if it's just for yourself).

Keep your voice consistant. Your regular followers should be able to pick out your voice in a crowd.

If you're a writer, your blog voice should be the same as your writing voice. (More on this when we get to branding).

Have your own set of blog rules and stick to them, i.e. In my blog I always _____, but I never _____.

Maintain a common thread throughout your blog.

Coin a word or phrase that becomes your verbal logo. (This one ties into branding, too.)

Add related magazines, web sites, etc. to your blog roll or sidebar. Search engines check for incoming and outgoing link activity so you want as much traffic flowing through your blog as possible.

Include at least one link (if it's truly relevant) in every post.

Keep your blog roll fresh.

Embed a good quote in a graphic and add your blog link as a watermark. People are more inclined to share pictures and wherever the graphic goes, your link with go with it.

Use numbered lists in your posts, i.e. Five tips for..., Ten reasons to ...

Use categories on your posts, in addition to tags or lables, so you can pull up all related posts in one block.

Keep an inventory of "evergreen" content - old posts that won't become dated. Consider these your "classics" and re-use and/or promote them when appropriate.

Okay, that's it. How about you - got a blogging tip you'd like to share?

(Please forgive the late post this morning. Blogger and I are not playing well together today.)

Groaner of the Day: A fellow received a mouse for his birthday and he loved it so much that he never parted with it. He took this mouse everywhere, to work, to parties, to the opera... One day, a good friend of his died and he was asked to serve as a pallbearer. Naturally, he took the mouse, which was perched on his shoulder.

On his way home from the funeral, he realized that the mouse was gone! He retraced all his moves for the day and realized the last time he had seen the mouse was just before they placed the casket in the hearse. He raced back to the funeral home and searched everywhere but the mouse was gone.

The man was filled with grief as he remembered the old adage his mother told him when he was a kid:

Never lock a gift mouse in the hearse.

Bits and Pieces

2012-04-27T01:37:00.000-04:00

Well, it's the end of my first week back in the Blogosphere and it's been great to touch base with so many on-line friends.

Today's post is a mixed bag. A little of this and a little of that.

First - a question: As a test, I made a deliberate error in my Wednesday blog. In the title, I said I was introducing Sophy. In the text, I spelled her name Sophie. No one made a comment on the discrepancy. Now I really want to know - were you just being polite or did you not notice? Come on, be honest.

Second - a request: You may have noticed I added the NetworkedBlogs widget to my left sidebar. I tested it using my Facebook account, but it looks so pitiful sitting there with no little faces but my own (well, okay, mine and my beloved spouse). Would someone, please, follow this blog using NetworkedBlogs, just so I have another face in that blank white space. I'd really appreciate it.

Third - an award. I mentioned on Monday that I received the

from fellow blogger Margo Kelly. (Thanks, again, Margo.) As with many blog awards, this comes with a couple of do's when the award is accepted. I have to:

1. Share ten things about myself, and
2. Pass the award onto six other bloggers

So here goes -

1. I have four grandchildren, age 10, 11, 12, and 13. No, they're not all siblings so you don't need to have sympathy pains for their mother.

2. I'm a lifelong Boston Red Sox fan. This has prepared me for the heartbreak and disappointment that comes with being a writer. This also means I believe in miracles.

3. I love writing fiction - mystery, suspense, sci fi, and a little romance. I also love writing humor but that's usually non-fiction. Some stuff you just can't make up.

4. We (my hubby, two sons, and I) moved to Ohio in the middle of the Blizzard of 78. From Los Angeles. We didn't own a pair of boots, a winter coat, or a pair of gloves.

5. My biggest food weakness is ice cream.

6. I've spent my entire adult life on a diet, just coming off a diet, or getting ready to start a diet (see item 5). I've lost enough weight over the years to build at least three clones.

7. I've been a disaster relief volunteer with the American Red Cross for a couple decades. I've responded to tornadoes, hurricanes, ice storms, and floods. I also worked the respite station at Ground Zero-World Trade Center after 9/11.

8. I have a terrible weakness for online jigsaw puzzles. They're my favorite procrastination device when the writing isn't flowing.

9. I drive a 2001 Saab Convertable. I love it. The first car I ever owned (actually, shared with my brother) was a ragtop. Now...warm day, top down, wind tossing my hair, and the oldies channel playing my favorite music...for just a moment, I feel 16 again.

10. Last one - I really hope you'll leave me a comment. It makes my day when I get comments.

Now - I'd like to pass this blog along to:

Jessica R. Patch
Stacy McKitrick's Ranting and Whatnot
Sarah Ahiers Writes
Angela Brown in a Pursuit of Publishness
Maryann Miller - It's Not All Gravy
Mary Curry - My Place by the Sea

Please join me on Monday when I'll be sharing some of the tips I learned at the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop on blogging, branding, and social media.

Have a great weekend.

Groaner of the Day: (long post, short groaner)

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

Happy Hump Day Special - Heeeere's Sophy!

2012-04-25T00:01:00.000-04:00

Happy Hump Day. How ever did you get over the mid-week hump without me these last couple months?

Since I usually devote my Hump Day post to pictures selected to give you a smile, I'm going to combine that with my important introduction. I'd like you to meet Sophie.

Sophie came to us from our county animal shelter. She's approximately six years old but she entered the shelter as a stray so we have no history for her. She's very friendly with people but not so much with animals. Gets pretty nervous with other dogs.

She's also terrified of thunder and lightning. Something I discovered the first night we had a storm and I woke up to find her sitting on my head.

She's a lady of discriminating taste. I knew the first day when she checked out every sleeping spot in the house and selected the bed with the Boston Red Sox blanket. Sophie's a SOX FAN! That's my girl.

She also claimed the hot tub in the back yard as her special perch. Not only can she survey her entire domain but the top is nice and warm on a chilly day.

But her biggest claim to fame is her skill as a great white hunter:

I know it's up there, Mom. I chased it myself.

Maybe it went around this side.

Well, I'm just going to sit here and wait until it comes down.

Sigh. I guess I lost it. What? Why are you laughing?

Did I miss something?

What raccoon? Where?

That's my girl. What do you think of her?

Groaner of the Day: A man walks into a coffee shop, and is given a huge mug which he takes to his table. But when he tries to drink it, he find that instead of coffee, the mug contains a pair of beige cotton trousers. So he goes to complain.

The counter staff are not very helpful, so after arguing with them for some time, he eventually gets them to call the shop manager. The manager is very indignant - "But it's exactly what you asked for", he says.

"No it isn't!" says the customer, "how can this possibly be what I ordered?"

"It's a cup o' chinos", says the manager.

I'm Back - And Guess Where I've Been.

2012-04-23T11:06:00.000-04:00

Hi. I'm back. Anyone miss me? (Please lie and say you did. I need the ego boost.)

So, I'm gone for longer than I expected to be and the first thing I discover is Blogger has changed everything while I was gone and nothing is where it used to be. Rats! This is going to make getting back up to speed a little harder so if I'm not commenting on your blog right away, please forgive me.

This weekend I had the great pleasure of attending the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop.

As a lifelong Erma fan, just being part of her legacy was a real treat for me, but I also learned a lot and I'll try to share some of it here over the next few weeks.

So much has happened in the last couple months. On the personal front there were some health issues and some family issues and some family health issues. Plus, the biggest news - we added a new member to our family. This news will get a post of its own in the very near future (hint: she has four legs and sheds a lot).

I also had a visit from blogger Margo Kelly who stopped by while I was gone and left me this very nice award.

Accepting this award does require some action on my part so I will do that in an upcoming post, as well. Margo is in the middle of the A to Z blog challange and I'm looking forward to getting caught up with her posts. Stop by Margo's blog and check it out.

Getting back to the Erma Bombeck workshop - I attended a couple sessions on blogging and social media. I want to try out some of their suggestions so I'll be doing some experimenting with this blog and would appreciate your feedback. Don't worry, I'll point out the changes so you don't have to hunt for them. I'm going to stay with my Monday-Wednesday-Friday schedule for now so please look for me then.

And since I know how much you've missed your regular "groaner" fix, here's your...

Groaner of the Day: The television game show was being recorded. The contestant was in the hot seat for the last big question.

The host turned to him, and read the question slowly and carefully. But the contestant didn't know the answer.

Fortunately, he had a backup plan (there was no way he was missing out on this million bucks!). He let out a peircing whistle, and from the back of the stage, four mounted knights-in-armour appeared, waving their lances threateningly at the show's host.

The host looked scared for a moment, and then a steely look came over him. He leapt into the air and karate kicked the first knight onto the floor. He picked up the lance from the stricken knight, and fought off the second, who also fell spawling on the floor. The second knight's horse shied, and bolted, colliding with the third knight in the process.

The game show host was just begining to enjoy himself now. He waved the spear he was still carrying at the fourth knight, looked back at the contestant, and said "Is that your final lancer?"

Going Dark for a While

2012-01-23T11:00:00.000-05:00

I starting blogging because I read having an on-line presence was a must if I want to get published. It felt strange at first, then I started to enjoy it. It was like having a whole new circle of friends. Many were writers - published or unpublished - so we shared some of the same interests and everyone was very supportive. I also found a lot of information I might never have seen otherwise.

But I seem to have worked myself into a corner. I'm spending too much time blogging with writers and not enough time being one. This has become especially clear since the beginning of the New Year. I set up several goals for getting back on track and tackling my post-beta-read rewrites and so far I'm just chasing my tail.

Time for me to re-focus. I'm going to step back from blogging for a bit until I've got my writing groove back. I hope you won't forget me while I'm gone. Good luck with all the great stuff everyone's got going on.

Groaner of the Day: Dr. Watson arrives at 221-B Baker Street and is stunned to find his friend Sherlock Holmes out front in an overall, applying a pale yellow gloss to the front door.

"Good Gad, Holmes," cried the stupefied Watson, "What is that supposed to be?"

Holmes turned to his friend, one eyebrow raised. "A lemon entry, my dear Watson."

The Lady or the Tiger - Open Endings

2012-01-20T00:08:00.000-05:00

I think you all probably know the story of The Lady and the Tiger. A man who has dared to get involved with the king's daughter stands in an arena with only two exits. Behind one door is a ferocious tiger. Behind the other is a beautiful woman, rival to the princess. The man must choose which door he opens. If he picks the one with the beautiful woman, he goes free and has to marry her. It he picks the other, he dies. The princess, his lover, sits in the stands by her father. The man looks to her for help and she signals him which door to choose. But will she save him or would she rather see him dead than married to her rival? The man goes to the door and opens it. And the story ends.

Last night my mystery readers' group met to discuss this month's book selection. I won't mention the title because I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but it had this type of ambiguous ending. In the final scene, the reader knows when the heroine wakes up tomorrow morning the disaster in her life will be over. Or it will be the same. The story ends as she goes to sleep.

Our group was divided on this one. Some liked being able to choose what they believe will happen. Others felt the story was incomplete. They wanted something, perhaps an epilogue, to tie up the loose ends. For myself, I chose the happy ending, but after following this character through four hundred pages of twists and turns, I wanted to share in her relief and joy when it happened. I felt cheated.

How about you? What books have you read that left the ending up to the reader? How did you decide the story ended? Do you enjoy open-ended stories or do you prefer to have everything nicely tied up with a bow and no loose ends? If you're a writer, do you ever leave your endings open to the reader's choice?

Groaner of the Day: No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Happy Hump Day

2012-01-18T00:15:00.000-05:00

Happy Hump Day!

And here's a little something to help get you over the hump and on the smooth downhill slide to the weekend.

Remember last week I said I had a great picture and Blogger wouldn't let me load it? Here it is.

A Real Cowboy Knows No Fear.

I love that.

An important fact for the day:

What is a calorie?

Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at

night and sew your clothes tighter.

MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE SHITS.

This just struck me as funny.

Side note: I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything,

but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

How about a prayer for the New Year? (It's only a little late.)

Dear God,

My prayer for 2012 is for

A fat bank account & a thin body.

Please don't mix these up like you did last year.

Amen.

And on that cheerful note, let's wrap it up with everyone's favorite, the...

Groaner of the Day: A Russian scientist and a scientist from the Czech Republic had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to the park.

They reported to the ranger station but the chief ranger told them that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented.

The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing. The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. Following the trails of a male and a female bear, they finally caught up with the female.

Fearing an international incident, they decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientist. They killed the female and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

The other ranger responded......

"I guess it means the Czech's in the male."

Why Should I Care?

2012-01-16T09:20:00.000-05:00

This weekend I went to see Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy. I've never read the John LeCarre novel nor did I see the popular mini-series from 1979, so the story was new to me. A classic spy thriller with an excellent cast - I was excited.

I can't remember the last time I was so disappointed in a movie. It wasn't that I couldn't follow the story - altough one member of our group said it was too confusing. It was that I had no reason to want to. The very complex plot had so many twists and turns, the movie was unable to do more flash quickly from one to another leaving no opportunity for the viewer to make a connection to any of the characters. Without that connection, without caring about the charactrers, the whole story became rather pointless. Torture, betrayal, even murder lose their impact if you have no interest in the people involved.

Perhaps if I had read the novel or seen the mini-series, so that I had some sense of these characters going in, it would have been different. As it was, I felt as though the whole movie was just an in depth synopsis of the book, giving me the plot but not the story. Long before the movie was over, I had stopped wondering who the mole was; not because I had figured it out, but because I just didn't care.

Plot versus character. Finding the balance. A critical part of crafting a story. Watching this movie reminded me why.

How about you? Have you seen Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy? What did you think of it? Have you seen or read a story lately that missed the balance between plot and character?

Groaner of the Day: A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

(tee hee)

Imagine

2012-01-13T00:52:00.004-05:00

Imagine a place where unwanted lives are considered disposable.

Imagine an unwanted child, and a woman who will give him a loving home. But the child is gravely ill. The state will take him back, but it’s clear they hold out no hope for his recovery. They will not fight for this tiny life.

So the woman takes him home. She sends her husband and other children away so they do not become infected, and she begins to care for the child. She nurses him around the clock, setting aside her own needs, sacrificing her own health.

Days pass. At times, it appears the little one is getting better and the woman offers up thanks for this small miracle. But the miracle is short-lived. One infection follows another. Days turn into weeks. Though exhausted and emotionally drained, the woman does not give up.

And then it's over. The tiny flame flickers, and is gone.

The woman grieves.

Imagine.

Would you have given as much?

Would you have done it for him?

Dedicated to Maria Zannini, in memory of Murray.

(No groaner today. See you next week.)

Happy Hump Day - True or False

2012-01-11T00:37:00.001-05:00

Happy Hump Day.

I have a little brain teaser for you today. Don't worry, nothing too hard.

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

1 . Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in 'An Officer and a Gentleman' and 'Tootsie.'

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburettor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If colouring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

Okay, I have a great picture I planned to insert here but Blogger is being a pain tonight and won't let me upload. (Stupid Blogger.) So instead, we'll have to go right to the answers...

scroll down...

They are ALL true .....

I can't decide if I'm more freaked out at the thought of #16 or #2. (How could Alfred not have a bellybutton?)

Groaner of the Day: You seemed to like the short one on Monday so here's another quickie.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

Writers' Conferences - Decisions, Decisions

2012-01-09T15:09:00.000-05:00

Last year, newly retired and all ready to start my new writing career, I set a goal of attending two or three writers' conferences. I started checking and found there are a bazillion writers' conference to choose from. It was a bit overwhelming. I started by narrowing the list to conferences that focused on mysteries/crime drama/etc.

I'm going to admit, I chose my first conference based on location as much as anything else. The Public Safety Writers Association Conference in Las Vegas. The conference looked interesting and my hubby and I had been wanting to take a little trip to Vegas, so I signed up.

I couldn't have made a better choice. The PWSA conference is a small one, held in a single meeting room so everyone gets to attend every session (no having to pick and chose), and the attendees have a better chance to get to know each other. The programs were excellent, lots of useful technical information - the "get it right" stuff - as well as sessions on writing and getting published. In fact, this is where I made this friend...

It was a perfect place to get my feet wet.

The following month I attended Killer Nashville. This is a larger conference, lots of things going on at the same time. It's more about the writing/getting publishing side of things, although there were some technical programs, and there were more pitching opportunities (more agents/editors in attendance). Again, I was very pleased with my choice.

This last one probably doesn't qualify as a writers "conference" - the Writers' Police Academy. The WPA is a scaled down version of the training received by the local police. It's a great place to find out how things are really done, before you put it in your book. I loved it.

So I was three for three on finding good conferences. And this brings me to the decision part. I enjoyed each of these enough that I'd love to go back. I know what to expect and I'd have a chance to re-connect with other regulars. This appeals to me. But I'd also like to explore some new territory, see what else is out there.

What do you think? Do you attend writers' conferences? Do you prefer going back to the same ones, ones you know and like, or do you like trying new ones? Are there any you'd like to recommend?

Groaner of the Day: (last Friday's was a long one so I'll make this short)

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

Because You Never Know...

2012-01-06T10:08:00.000-05:00

I started taking down our Christmas tree last night. Yes, I know, I'm late. I just wasn't in the mood on New Year's Day and it hasn't felt like an urgent need. But I'm getting around to it now.

Un-decorating a tree is sort of like that accounting term, LIFO (last in, first out). The last decorations to go on the tree have to come off first. For us, that's always been the tinsel.

As far back as I can remember, tinsel was considered a disposable decoration. Before Christmas, you bought a box or two of the very inexpensive thin silvery strips; had the usual argument over tossing handfuls at the tree versus carefully placing it one strip at a time; then, when the holiday was over, pulled off the tinsel and dropped the tangled mess in the trash before carefully removing the "real" decorations and packing them away for next year.

Until a couple years ago... when I went out to buy tinsel and couldn't find any. No one was stocking it. No one seems to know why. Had it fallen out of favor with the younger crowd? Been declared a health risk? Could only be imported from some country we'd stopped speaking to? No answer. So we decorated the tree without tinsel that year, and it never seemed quite finished to me.

Some of you may remember, we lost my dear mum-in-law, Eleanora, in the fall of 2010. Mama was a woman who had known real hardship and she never took having anything for granted. She was the lady who washed and re-used aluminum foil, saved the wrapping paper off gifts she received, and usually tucked away the gift for "someday".

As her only family, everything that was hers came to us. This included her Christmas decorations, most of which she'd not put up in years. Last Christmas, we divided the fragile glass ornaments between our home and her grandchildrens', so everyone could have memories of her on their tree. Then we found a long, thin, soft, wrapping of tissue paper. Inside, carefully laid out so it wouldn't tangle, was a lovely pile of tinsel. Mama hadn't bought a new box every year like the rest of us. As always, she saved what she had and used it again.

So that's what we did. Last year, Mama's tinsel graced our tree, and was carefully packed away again when Christmas was over. And it was Mama's tinsel I was carefully removing last night.

Eleanora Leszczuk knew that you took care of what you had, instead of blinding assuming there would always be more.

She was a very smart lady, don't you think?

Groaner of the Day: A man rushes into a vet's office, carrying the limp and lifeless body of his beloved pet gopher.

The vet takes the animal and puts it on an examination table. After examining the limp form, the doctor tells the man that his pet, regrettably is dead.

The man, clearly upset and not willing to accept the obvious, demands a second opinion. So the vet goes into the back room and comes out with a Black Labrador.

The dog sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the Lab thinks he's is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his beloved pet is dead. So the vet brings in a Siamese cat and puts the cat down next to the gopher's body.

The Siamese sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the gopher's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the Siamese thinks he's dead, too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers,

$650.00."

"$650.00 just to tell me that he's dead?!" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50.00 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600.00 was for the Cat Scan and the Lab Tests."

(ouch)