LD Masterson

Going Dark for a While

2012-01-23T11:00:00.000-05:00

I starting blogging because I read having an on-line presence was a must if I want to get published. It felt strange at first, then I started to enjoy it. It was like having a whole new circle of friends. Many were writers - published or unpublished - so we shared some of the same interests and everyone was very supportive. I also found a lot of information I might never have seen otherwise.

But I seem to have worked myself into a corner. I'm spending too much time blogging with writers and not enough time being one. This has become especially clear since the beginning of the New Year. I set up several goals for getting back on track and tackling my post-beta-read rewrites and so far I'm just chasing my tail.

Time for me to re-focus. I'm going to step back from blogging for a bit until I've got my writing groove back. I hope you won't forget me while I'm gone. Good luck with all the great stuff everyone's got going on.

Groaner of the Day: Dr. Watson arrives at 221-B Baker Street and is stunned to find his friend Sherlock Holmes out front in an overall, applying a pale yellow gloss to the front door.

"Good Gad, Holmes," cried the stupefied Watson, "What is that supposed to be?"

Holmes turned to his friend, one eyebrow raised. "A lemon entry, my dear Watson."

The Lady or the Tiger - Open Endings

2012-01-20T00:08:00.000-05:00

I think you all probably know the story of The Lady and the Tiger. A man who has dared to get involved with the king's daughter stands in an arena with only two exits. Behind one door is a ferocious tiger. Behind the other is a beautiful woman, rival to the princess. The man must choose which door he opens. If he picks the one with the beautiful woman, he goes free and has to marry her. It he picks the other, he dies. The princess, his lover, sits in the stands by her father. The man looks to her for help and she signals him which door to choose. But will she save him or would she rather see him dead than married to her rival? The man goes to the door and opens it. And the story ends.

Last night my mystery readers' group met to discuss this month's book selection. I won't mention the title because I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but it had this type of ambiguous ending. In the final scene, the reader knows when the heroine wakes up tomorrow morning the disaster in her life will be over. Or it will be the same. The story ends as she goes to sleep.

Our group was divided on this one. Some liked being able to choose what they believe will happen. Others felt the story was incomplete. They wanted something, perhaps an epilogue, to tie up the loose ends. For myself, I chose the happy ending, but after following this character through four hundred pages of twists and turns, I wanted to share in her relief and joy when it happened. I felt cheated.

How about you? What books have you read that left the ending up to the reader? How did you decide the story ended? Do you enjoy open-ended stories or do you prefer to have everything nicely tied up with a bow and no loose ends? If you're a writer, do you ever leave your endings open to the reader's choice?

Groaner of the Day: No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Happy Hump Day

2012-01-18T00:15:00.000-05:00

Happy Hump Day!

And here's a little something to help get you over the hump and on the smooth downhill slide to the weekend.

Remember last week I said I had a great picture and Blogger wouldn't let me load it? Here it is.

A Real Cowboy Knows No Fear.

I love that.

An important fact for the day:

What is a calorie?

Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at

night and sew your clothes tighter.

MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE SHITS.

This just struck me as funny.

Side note: I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything,

but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

How about a prayer for the New Year? (It's only a little late.)

Dear God,

My prayer for 2012 is for

A fat bank account & a thin body.

Please don't mix these up like you did last year.

Amen.

And on that cheerful note, let's wrap it up with everyone's favorite, the...

Groaner of the Day: A Russian scientist and a scientist from the Czech Republic had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to the park.

They reported to the ranger station but the chief ranger told them that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented.

The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing. The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. Following the trails of a male and a female bear, they finally caught up with the female.

Fearing an international incident, they decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientist. They killed the female and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

The other ranger responded......

"I guess it means the Czech's in the male."

Why Should I Care?

2012-01-16T09:20:00.000-05:00

This weekend I went to see Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy. I've never read the John LeCarre novel nor did I see the popular mini-series from 1979, so the story was new to me. A classic spy thriller with an excellent cast - I was excited.

I can't remember the last time I was so disappointed in a movie. It wasn't that I couldn't follow the story - altough one member of our group said it was too confusing. It was that I had no reason to want to. The very complex plot had so many twists and turns, the movie was unable to do more flash quickly from one to another leaving no opportunity for the viewer to make a connection to any of the characters. Without that connection, without caring about the charactrers, the whole story became rather pointless. Torture, betrayal, even murder lose their impact if you have no interest in the people involved.

Perhaps if I had read the novel or seen the mini-series, so that I had some sense of these characters going in, it would have been different. As it was, I felt as though the whole movie was just an in depth synopsis of the book, giving me the plot but not the story. Long before the movie was over, I had stopped wondering who the mole was; not because I had figured it out, but because I just didn't care.

Plot versus character. Finding the balance. A critical part of crafting a story. Watching this movie reminded me why.

How about you? Have you seen Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy? What did you think of it? Have you seen or read a story lately that missed the balance between plot and character?

Groaner of the Day: A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

(tee hee)

Imagine

2012-01-13T00:52:00.004-05:00

Imagine a place where unwanted lives are considered disposable.

Imagine an unwanted child, and a woman who will give him a loving home. But the child is gravely ill. The state will take him back, but it’s clear they hold out no hope for his recovery. They will not fight for this tiny life.

So the woman takes him home. She sends her husband and other children away so they do not become infected, and she begins to care for the child. She nurses him around the clock, setting aside her own needs, sacrificing her own health.

Days pass. At times, it appears the little one is getting better and the woman offers up thanks for this small miracle. But the miracle is short-lived. One infection follows another. Days turn into weeks. Though exhausted and emotionally drained, the woman does not give up.

And then it's over. The tiny flame flickers, and is gone.

The woman grieves.

Imagine.

Would you have given as much?

Would you have done it for him?

Dedicated to Maria Zannini, in memory of Murray.

(No groaner today. See you next week.)

Happy Hump Day - True or False

2012-01-11T00:37:00.001-05:00

Happy Hump Day.

I have a little brain teaser for you today. Don't worry, nothing too hard.

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

1 . Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in 'An Officer and a Gentleman' and 'Tootsie.'

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburettor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If colouring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

Okay, I have a great picture I planned to insert here but Blogger is being a pain tonight and won't let me upload. (Stupid Blogger.) So instead, we'll have to go right to the answers...

scroll down...

They are ALL true .....

I can't decide if I'm more freaked out at the thought of #16 or #2. (How could Alfred not have a bellybutton?)

Groaner of the Day: You seemed to like the short one on Monday so here's another quickie.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

Writers' Conferences - Decisions, Decisions

2012-01-09T15:09:00.000-05:00

Last year, newly retired and all ready to start my new writing career, I set a goal of attending two or three writers' conferences. I started checking and found there are a bazillion writers' conference to choose from. It was a bit overwhelming. I started by narrowing the list to conferences that focused on mysteries/crime drama/etc.

I'm going to admit, I chose my first conference based on location as much as anything else. The Public Safety Writers Association Conference in Las Vegas. The conference looked interesting and my hubby and I had been wanting to take a little trip to Vegas, so I signed up.

I couldn't have made a better choice. The PWSA conference is a small one, held in a single meeting room so everyone gets to attend every session (no having to pick and chose), and the attendees have a better chance to get to know each other. The programs were excellent, lots of useful technical information - the "get it right" stuff - as well as sessions on writing and getting published. In fact, this is where I made this friend...

It was a perfect place to get my feet wet.

The following month I attended Killer Nashville. This is a larger conference, lots of things going on at the same time. It's more about the writing/getting publishing side of things, although there were some technical programs, and there were more pitching opportunities (more agents/editors in attendance). Again, I was very pleased with my choice.

This last one probably doesn't qualify as a writers "conference" - the Writers' Police Academy. The WPA is a scaled down version of the training received by the local police. It's a great place to find out how things are really done, before you put it in your book. I loved it.

So I was three for three on finding good conferences. And this brings me to the decision part. I enjoyed each of these enough that I'd love to go back. I know what to expect and I'd have a chance to re-connect with other regulars. This appeals to me. But I'd also like to explore some new territory, see what else is out there.

What do you think? Do you attend writers' conferences? Do you prefer going back to the same ones, ones you know and like, or do you like trying new ones? Are there any you'd like to recommend?

Groaner of the Day: (last Friday's was a long one so I'll make this short)

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

Because You Never Know...

2012-01-06T10:08:00.000-05:00

I started taking down our Christmas tree last night. Yes, I know, I'm late. I just wasn't in the mood on New Year's Day and it hasn't felt like an urgent need. But I'm getting around to it now.

Un-decorating a tree is sort of like that accounting term, LIFO (last in, first out). The last decorations to go on the tree have to come off first. For us, that's always been the tinsel.

As far back as I can remember, tinsel was considered a disposable decoration. Before Christmas, you bought a box or two of the very inexpensive thin silvery strips; had the usual argument over tossing handfuls at the tree versus carefully placing it one strip at a time; then, when the holiday was over, pulled off the tinsel and dropped the tangled mess in the trash before carefully removing the "real" decorations and packing them away for next year.

Until a couple years ago... when I went out to buy tinsel and couldn't find any. No one was stocking it. No one seems to know why. Had it fallen out of favor with the younger crowd? Been declared a health risk? Could only be imported from some country we'd stopped speaking to? No answer. So we decorated the tree without tinsel that year, and it never seemed quite finished to me.

Some of you may remember, we lost my dear mum-in-law, Eleanora, in the fall of 2010. Mama was a woman who had known real hardship and she never took having anything for granted. She was the lady who washed and re-used aluminum foil, saved the wrapping paper off gifts she received, and usually tucked away the gift for "someday".

As her only family, everything that was hers came to us. This included her Christmas decorations, most of which she'd not put up in years. Last Christmas, we divided the fragile glass ornaments between our home and her grandchildrens', so everyone could have memories of her on their tree. Then we found a long, thin, soft, wrapping of tissue paper. Inside, carefully laid out so it wouldn't tangle, was a lovely pile of tinsel. Mama hadn't bought a new box every year like the rest of us. As always, she saved what she had and used it again.

So that's what we did. Last year, Mama's tinsel graced our tree, and was carefully packed away again when Christmas was over. And it was Mama's tinsel I was carefully removing last night.

Eleanora Leszczuk knew that you took care of what you had, instead of blinding assuming there would always be more.

She was a very smart lady, don't you think?

Groaner of the Day: A man rushes into a vet's office, carrying the limp and lifeless body of his beloved pet gopher.

The vet takes the animal and puts it on an examination table. After examining the limp form, the doctor tells the man that his pet, regrettably is dead.

The man, clearly upset and not willing to accept the obvious, demands a second opinion. So the vet goes into the back room and comes out with a Black Labrador.

The dog sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the Lab thinks he's is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his beloved pet is dead. So the vet brings in a Siamese cat and puts the cat down next to the gopher's body.

The Siamese sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the gopher's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the Siamese thinks he's dead, too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers,

$650.00."

"$650.00 just to tell me that he's dead?!" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50.00 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600.00 was for the Cat Scan and the Lab Tests."

(ouch)

Happy Hump Day and Who Wants to Save Money?

2012-01-04T10:08:00.000-05:00

Happy Hump Day. First of the New Year!

But before we get to today's collection of sillies I need to mention this...

Maria Zannini is launching a new book series,

THE FRUGAL WAY

with the release of

SMART BUDGETS FOR BUSY PEOPLE.

I've read Smart Budgets and it's full of great tips and ideas for saving money, bringing your spending under control, and reaching your financial goals. And you can start saving right away because SMART BUDGETS FOR BUSY PEOPLE is available on Smashwords and Amazon for only 99 cents. (Such a deal!)

Maria has also set up a Facebook page for The Frugal Way which is full of money saving tips and deals.

Please pop over and LIKE The Frugal Way. Brand new Facebook pages need to feel the love.

Okay - on to today's Hump Day sillies.

Don't you love taking a nice long bath? Soaking in the warm water. Just relaxing.

Hmmm, doesn't seem quite the same if you're a cat.

But...why?

E.T. Phone home.

Stay away from me.

I will get even for this

Noooooooo!

I'm running a bit long and I think the cats provide enough laughs to get you over the hump, so no groaner today.

Don't forget to Like Maria's new Facebook page, The Frugal Way.

See you Friday.

Personal Reflections on a Less Than Successful Year

2012-01-02T00:07:00.000-05:00

From a writing standpoint, 2011 was not exactly my most productive year. Which wouldn't be all that bad except it was supposed to be. When I retired last December, I had great hopes and plans for 2011. I was going to write - get the edits and re-writes done on Hunter's Way and start querying my little heart out. I was going to get seriously into, if not finish, one of the other book projects I've got on hold. I was going to expand my web site and my blog, take some on-line classes, go to a couple conferences, find some crit partners, and really launch my new full time career as writer.

It should have been easy.

After all, during the previous twenty years, I had built and maintained a computer network that included a half dozen servers; over a hundred workstations; dozens of assorted printers, copiers, scanners, and FAX machines; and multiple routers and switches connecting six buildings spread over three counties. I also trained and supported all the people who used this network. I know how to work, how to multitask, how to meet deadlines. And now I have all the time in the world.

So what happened?

Basically, I failed to manage the change from external demands to internal ones. At the old job, other people were counting on me. If I didn't get something done and we developed computer problems, those people couldn't do their jobs. Deadlines were reinforced by a group of impatient (desperate) faces waiting for that installation, upgrade, training, etc. External demands. Customer driven.

And then there was just me.

Without those external demands and dealines, I spun my wheels, wasted time, wallowed in indecision, failed to balance tasks, and accomplished a fraction of what I had intended to do. I've measured my goals and objectives for 2011 against what I actually got done and realize...

I pretty much wasted a year.

So here I am, looking at 2012 and trying to figure out how not to do the same thing all over again. I've got goals and objectives for the new year - a planning device that worked for me in my old job - but not much faith in their effectiveness anymore.

Any suggestions? How do you keep yourself on task when there's no one counting on you but you?

Oh, I did manage to let other people down on one thing. I apologize to anyone who planned on doing the January writing challenge I said I would have in place by the first of the year. I'm afraid I let December get away from me completely. I'm still going to try this, slightly delayed, and I'll let you know as soon as I have it ready. Don't give up on me. Maybe we can pick a new start date together.

And here's a real groaner to start the new year...

Groaner of the Day: A frog goes into a bank, and hops up to the loan officer.

The loan officer says, "My name is John Paddywack. Can I help you?"

The frog says, "Yeah, I'd like to borrow some money."

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. He says, "Okay, what's your name?"

The frog says, "Kermit Jagger."

The loan officer says, "Really? Any relation to Mick Jagger?"

The frog says, "Yeah, he's my dad."

The loan officer says, "Okay. Ummm...do you have any collateral?"

The frog hands the loan officer a pink ceramic elephant and says, "Will this do?"

The loan officer says, "Hmmm...I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager."

The frog says, "Oh, tell him I said hi. He knows me."

The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, "Excuse me, but there's this frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing, I'm not ever sure what it is."

The manager says, "It's a knick-knack, Paddywack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays

2011-12-23T11:54:00.000-05:00

I just want to thank you all for visiting and commenting during the past year. It's been fun sharing things with you.

Wishing all my friends a

Joyful and Blessed Christmas,

Happy Holidays

of every kind,

and

the Best of Everything in 2012.

Merry Christmas.

(No groaner today. Consider it my Christmas gift to you.)

Happy Hump Day - and Head To Maria's

2011-12-21T00:34:00.000-05:00

Happy Hump Day. I'm over at Maria Zannini's DIY Christmas today sharing a family favorite recipe. Hop on over and check it out. Leave me a comment so I won't feel lonesome.

But I can't leave you without a little something to help you over the hump so here's a sign of the times.

This is the story of the Nativity - electronic style.

Have to toss this one in, too.

Finally, a Microsoft Windows message we can use.

Have a happy hump day. Don't forget to stop by Maria's

Groaner of the Day: A guy goes to his dentist for a checkup. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"

"Well, the only thing I can think of is... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it - Hollandaise sauce, she called it - and doctor, I'm talkin' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it. So for the past four months I've been putting it on everything...meat, fish, toast, vegetables, you name it - I'm eating it with Hollandaise sauce!"

"That's probably it," replied the dentist. "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."

"Why chrome?" the man asked.

"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

(I'm so sorry.)

Better Late than Never?

2011-12-19T16:41:00.001-05:00

Okay, this isn't exactly Monday morning, but it's still Monday so I'm not officially late on this post.

Actually I have three pretty good reasons for being slow posting today.

First, I'm still working my way through all the great posts and comments from last Friday's Deja Vu Blogfest. Finding lots of new and interesting blogs as I go. (Hi to all my new friends.)

Second, I took some time this morning to drive a couple of my grandkids to a local family homeless shelter. The kids had sorted through their "pre-loved" toys and stuffed animals and set aside several bags to give to the children who were spending Christmas without a home. A good reason, don't you think? (Yeah, I was proud.)

Third, I was up until 3:00 this morning doing my annual search for pictures for my Christmas letter. (Yes, I'm just now writing the letter, so you see this post is not the only thing I'm behind on). This would seem to be an easy task. I'm a regular shutterbug, especially with the family, so there are lots of shots to choose from. But therein lies the problem. Which pictures best reflect everything the family has been up to all year? And then there's that other issue - God forbid I end up with more of one kid than another. This is serious stuff.

Serious stuff I should have been doing several weeks ago. (Darn home improvement project.) So I'd better get back to it.

What do you think? Christmas letter material?

How about you? Ready for Christmas or frantically scrambling? No doubt which mode I'm in.

Groaner of the Day: Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was a fanatical huntsman. The other was his friend, a peaceful nature loving fellow who didn't really want to hurt anything.

They had been out in the woods for some time when they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught up with it, and it was easy to tell why the animal had been so easy to track. The deer had been injured and obviously could not see out of one eye.

The hunter started to take aim but his friend begged him to stop.

"It just wouldn't be fair," he said. "Can't you see that's a bad eye deer?"

Deja Vu Blogfest Presents:

2011-12-16T01:20:00.001-05:00

Click here to follow the 'fest.

Yea! It's December 16 - Deja Vu Blogfest Day.

I've got to admit it was interesting, wandering through my past blogs, hunting for the one I wanted to re-post today. I've only been blogging about a year and a half (a little over a year as Linda Leszczuk and the last four months as LD Masterson) so there was no ancient history involved. No gems to be found in the first few months and then we had a run of family losses that cast a shadow over most of last fall so I starting finding more posts of interest in early 2011. This one is from March 7.

I know more authors who have gone the self e-publishing route since I wrote this but I'm still very much on the fence. What are your thoughts?

By the way, the groaner is also from the original post.

As Clear as Mud - The New World of Publishing

It's There is a line in the long running play Chorus Line, spoken by a young dancer, which goes something like, "Don't tell me Broadway is dead. I just got here."

Sometimes I feel a little like that. I finally have the chance to throw myself full time into my life long dream - that of seeing my book on the shelf of my local bookstore - and all I hear is bookstores are dying and good old fashioned books aren't far behind. The reality of the future is the e-book.

I'm trying to adjust. I have a Nook. It's not my favorite way to read but I do use it. And I know several authors who have books out that were published in e-format only. It's a legitimate form of publication. But hope springs eternal and I'm still hoping to someday see my words in print. Old fashioned print...on paper.

Unfortunately, everything I'm reading these days says the sad state of the brick and mortar bookstore is impacting the publishing world as well. With less store shelves to fill, publishers will be publishing fewer books, especially from new and mid-list authors, and many may be published in e-format only. Also, publishers are expecting authors do to more self-promoting and marketing these days. This is leading a lot of authors to consider the option of self-publishing online. Cut out the middle man (the publisher) altogether. Increase the author's profits.

I see the logic in it. But to me the whole idea of "being published" has always meant someone, a professional in the publishing business, thought something I wrote was worth publishing. That was a biggie. Even if it wasn't a best seller (hey, we're talking dreams here) I would still be able to say, "Yes, I had a book published." Putting it out there myself would feel a bit like selling my work at a garage sale because it wasn't good enough for a store.

I have concerns from a reader's perspective as well. When I go into a book store or a library looking for something to read, I know I'm choosing among books that some professional editors/publishers thought were good enough to print. Will I always agree? Of course not. But I will have a baseline level of expectation. If I'm shopping online in a sea of self-published books, how much time will I have to waste separating the carefully crafted novel from sloppy first draft someone threw together and figured was good enough to put out there? If this becomes an issue, will e-book sellers offer readers the option of shopping for "published" e-books only and, if so, what would that do to the self-published market?

Lots of questions. Very few answers. What are your thoughts?

Groaner of the day: A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.

Happy Hump Day - Ho Ho Ho

2011-12-14T00:21:00.000-05:00

Happy Hump Day!

My apologies for not posting on Monday but I was off line due to the carpet installers. Now I'm in the process of moving everything back into my new "office". Trying to establish order amidst choas. I'm not there yet.

Something a little different this week, in keeping with the season. This is a wonderful video of pre-school and kindergarten students explaining the story of the Nativity.

Wasn't that great? That should help you over the hump.

I'm enjoying lots of Christmas concerts this week. Fourth grade choir and seventh grade band (back to back) on Tuesday and seventh grade orchestra on Thursday. If that doesn't get you in the mood for the holiday, nothing will.

Speaking of Christmas music, here are a couple questions for you - which do you prefer, modern or traditional; and what's your all time favorite Christmas song (include the artist if you have a preference).

In place of today's groaner, I want to share a true funny. Conversation at my son's house involving Dad, Mom, Daughter G, and Son C:

D - Who has a favorite Christmas carole?
M - I like The Little Drummer Boy.
C - I like Jingle Bells.
G - I like the Dreidle Song
D - Um, G, I know you learned that song at school for the holidays but that isn't really a Christmas song. That song celebrates the holiday of Hanukkah.
G - Huh?
M - You remember, that's the Jewish holiday where they light the menorah, the special candles, to remember-
C - [breaks in] I know! I know the song you sing when you light the special candles.
D - You do?
C - Sure. [starts singing] Happy Birthday to you...

Have a wonderful day.

Christmas Happenings at Maria Zannini's

2011-12-09T10:13:00.000-05:00

Whoa! Where is my head these days? On Monday, November 24, I told you about a great upcoming blogfest I found over on Lydia Kang's The World is My Oyster, but I forgot to post the logo/link on my sidebar. It's there now. This is a one day event, happening on December 16, so there's still plenty of time to join in.

Now for the bigger oops - I totally missed announcing the start of Maria Zannini's Christmas blog series, Do It Yourself Christmas.

Maria's lined up a great series of guests who are posting on Christmas food, crafts, and traditions. Even better, many of the posts include special giveaways. What more could you ask for? It started Wednesday so you'll want to go back and catch them all. My contribution will be posted on December 21. It's a recipe my family has loved for generations so I hope you'll come by. The link to this one is also on my sidebar so you won't forget.

Is everyone getting ready for Christmas?

Groaner of the Day: An enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom that lived in the spooky old mansion house at the edge of town.

When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost decended upon him, moaning and wailing and clanking chains.

"I mean no harm; I just want your photograph," the journalist said bravely.

Surprisely, the ghost liked the idea and posed for a number of shots. The happy journalist rushed back to his darkroom and began developing the photos.

Unfortunately, they turned out to be so underexposed that the ghost couldn't be seen.

The journalist was so distraught, he went to a local pub to drown his sorrows. Some friends happened by and asked what was wrong. With a sigh, he told them,

"The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."

Happy Hump Day (back on schedule)

2011-12-07T08:45:00.000-05:00

Okay, today we have an all puppy collection. I'd love to claim credit for the captions but they were already on the pictures when I received them.

Happy Hump Day, my friends.

What?! I didn't.....I....I was just thirsty.

Wasssup!!

Go on - tickle me. You know you wanna.

Heh heh heh. I went through your bag, man, and I found this little bag of green stuff. So I totally ate it. Awesome. Heh heh heh.

Why don't they want [sniff] to play with me?

My apologies to all you cat lovers. Some Wednesday I'll do an all-kitten post.

Enjoy the rest of your week.

Groaner of the Day: A botanist was trying to research some details about a particular kind of fern, the braken variety. He sent a request to all his collegues, asking them to send him any information they had about it.

Unfortunately, he didn't word his request very well and all the botanists he'd contacted thought he was looking for details about any ferns, rather than just the one species. So within just a few hours, his fax machine was churning out piles of useless documents about all kinds of ferns - there were tree ferns and wood ferns, ostrich ferns and cinnamon ferns... but very few about the particular type he wanted.

In desperation, he sent another message to everyone asking please...

if it ain't bracken, don't fax it.

Knowing Who to Root For

2011-12-06T01:04:00.000-05:00

Have you ever watched Harry's Law? It's a TV show about a quirky group of lawyers staring Kathy Bates (the first reason I started watching it) and set in Cincinnati (the second reason).

Last week's episode had a couple legal cases that made me glad I wasn't on the jury of either one. One was a couple of parents taking legal action against their son's school after he died from injuries recieved in a high school football game. Their stand was that football is too dangeerous and should be banned. Ridiculous, huh? Until a number of recent studies were sited that showed the long term brain damage associated with playing football, especially with young players, even if no serious injuries were ever diagnosed. Harry's closing argument was that she personally loved football, it's part of our culture, but...if medical studies prove the sport is far more dangerous than it was believed to be, should our youth still be allowed to play?

It was a good, thought provoking, not-sure-which-way-I'd-vote, kind of show. I like those. That is, I like those kind of stories on TV. But for some reason, I don't like them in books. When I'm reading a book, I want to know who to root for. I want to know who the good guy is, or which is the right cause. Maybe a little uncertainty for the sake of suspense, but I want it clear at the end. I don't want to come away from a book thinking - you know, I would have been just as happy if the other guy had won, got the girl, whatever.

Maybe reading a book requires more emotional investment so I want a definite payoff. I'm not sure. How about you? Do you want a story to have a clear cut right and wrong? Is it different for TV verses books? What about movies? Do you want to know who to root for or do you like more gray and less black and white?

Groaner of the Day: William Penn, the founder and mayor of Philadelphia, had two aunts - Hattie and Sophia - who were skilled in the baking arts. One day, Penn was petitioned by the citizens of his town because the bakeries in the town had, during the Revolution, raised the price of pies to the point that only the rich could afford them.

Not wanting to challenge the bakeries directly, he turned to his aunts and asked their advice. When they heard the story, the two old ladies were so incensed over the situation that they offered to bake 100 pies themselves, and sell them for 2 cents lower that any of the bakeries were charging.

It was a roaring success. Their pies sold out quickly, and very soon they had managed to bring down the price of all kinds of pastry in Philadelphia.

In fact, even to this very day, their acheivements are remembered as the remarkable -
Pie rates of Penn's aunts.

(think Gilbert & Sullivan)

Happy...um...Day After Hump Day

2011-12-01T10:52:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'm still way behind. My computer is now on the floor, as am I at the moment, while I relocate the desk. I haven't visited anyone's blog this week - please forgive me - and I missed my Hump Day post.

I haven't had time to dig up some good pictures for you so I offer this instead. I'll bet some of these strike a chord.

28 UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

8. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

9. Bad decisions make good stories.

10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.

12. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

13. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

14. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

15. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

16. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

17. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

18. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid " routing option.

19. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

20. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

21. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

22. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

23. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an a ** from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

24. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Jeans? Jeans never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

25. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

26. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

27. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

28. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Disclaimer: Not all of the above reflect the opinion of the management. But most of them...oh, yeah.

Don't give up on me, I'll be back to visiting you all again soon. Promise.

Oh, one picture for you. Yesterday, I was wondering why the birdfeeders in my yard were all unoccupied. Then I spotted this guy.

He was at least a foot tall, sitting directly above a finch feeder, waiting for lunch to fly in. Beautiful, but I still went outside and suggested he try somewhere else. Wish I could have gotten a picture of him flying off. Awesome wingspan.

Groaner of the Day: A mother skunk gave birth to twins, whom she named In and Out.

One day In was out, so she aked Out,"Out, go out and find In. In's out and I want him in."

"What?" said Out.

"In's out and I want him in. I've been looking for ages and can't find him, so I want you to go out, Out, find In and bring him in."

So Out goes out to look for his brother In, and within seconds of leaving, he comes back with In in tow. His mother asks, "Out, how did you find In so quickly?"

"Easy," answered Out. "In stinkt."

Where the Heck is She?

2011-11-29T12:52:00.000-05:00

Yup, I missed last Friday's post (planned) and yesterday's (unplanned). Let me tell you why.

It all started a couple months ago when I realized my hubby and I needed more desktop space. We were always having to move eath other's papers out of the way to use the desk/computer. But there really wasn't room for another desk or work surface in our office/guest room so I decided to change our two spare bedrooms from office/guest room and grandkids' room to office and grandkids' room/guest room.

Since we were going to do all this moving, it seemed like the perfect time to give the room a major face lift. New paint, new molding, new carpet - the works.

Step one was to empty the office/guest room of everything except the computer desk (have to keep the computer up), including the closet. This led to a massive purging of old clothes and the dumping of furniture and stuff into every spare corner of other bedrooms. The paint was picked and purchased, as was the floor, door, and window molding. We got to this point early last month. And stopped.

I'm not sure why. Part of it was my fear that I'd picked the wrong color paint and would hate it. Part was...well...laziness. But there we were. Everything ready but no forward progress.

Then two things happened. One, the weather turned cold and I had to bring in all the plants from the deck that I keep inside for the winter. Two, it was time to put up the Christmas decorations. But the places I always put the incoming plants were occupied by all the stuff from the almost empty room, as were the places I usually store the things I take down to make room for Christmas.

Oops.

Two choices. Dump everything that needed a temporary home into the "office" or finish the blasted project.

On Saturday, we ripped out all the old molding and removed the closet doors (full wall closet - big doors). Then I painted (hubby isn't much of a painter) the ceiling and the inside of the closet white (two different paints). Sunday, I painted all the walls. Yesterday, I painted all the molding and the window. The molding was easy, the window required the usual scraping and cleaning.

Now everything gets to dry for a couple days while we order the carpet. Then the new molding gets installed, followed by the carpet and I can start moving things into our new office.

But this is my current work space:

Not too comfortable since I have to keep the window open so it won't dry closed (remember what I said about the weather) so my trips to the computer are short lived. Please forgive me if I fall a little behind visiting your blog and leaving comments for a few days. I'll get caught up as soon as order is restored.

Hope things are a little calmer in your world and all my NaNo-ing friends are breaking through that 50,000 word mark.

Groaner of the Day: Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news programme. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. But in the interview for the post, they asked him the one question he was dreading: "What was the reason for you leaving your last job?"

Hopkins replied, "The climate didn't agree with me."

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T09:15:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's supposed to be Happy Hump Day but with Thanksgiving tomorrow and so many people off work one or more days this week, I didn't think we needed that mid-week boost.

Instead, my favorite all time Thanksgiving Day cartoons. If you've been with me since last Thanksgiving, you may remember these.

Gotta love it.

And this one always gets me.

Okay, simple minds are tickled by simple things.

Adding this one (new this year).

But I think my best laugh this year came from the sweatshirt a friend was wearing last weekend. A turkey carrying a picket sign that read: "EAT MORE PIZZA"

Okay, I guess that will do it for the turkeys.

A question for today, Black Friday - do you or don't you? Personally, you couldn't pay me to fight the shopping crowds on Friday. How about you?

But I do have a busy day planned Friday so I'm giving myself the day off blogging. Please come back and see me on Monday.

Groaner of the Day: In keeping with the holiday, I offer these (really bad) riddles.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their age.

What are the feathers on a turkey's wings called?
Turkey feathers.

Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes - a building can't jump at all.

How can you make a turkey float?
You need 2 scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a turkey.

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside.

Happy Thanksgiving Day to you all.

Déjà Vu Blogfest!

2011-11-21T12:29:00.000-05:00

First I'd like to thank everyone who offered advice and/or moral support on my cry for help last Friday. I think I've got the basics figured out at least enough to join and promote the Blogfest I was talked about.

It's a cool little Blogfest. I found it on Lydia Kang's blog The World is my Oyster. It's the

The idea is to dig out one of your favorite past posts - a big news post or something especially fun or informative, whatever - and re-post it on December 16th. This should make December 16th a "Best of" day for everyone who participates. How fun and how easy is that?

Okay, if I've figured out Mr. Linky at all (and this is still questionable), you should be able to sign up here:

If not, just hop over to Lydia's blog and join from there.

And thanks for not laughing at my technical ineptitude.

Looking ahead, our family is celebrating two holidays this week. Thanksgiving, of course, but also on that day, I become the grandmother of a *gasp* teenager. My eldest grandson is turning thirteen. Wow, I feel old.

Then (first birthday)

and now.

Happy Birthday, Drake.

Groaner of the Day: A debt collector knocked on the door of a country family, that made their living weaving cloth.

"Is Jack home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.

"Im sorry," the woman replied. "Jack's gone for cotton."

A few weeks later the collector tried again. "Is Jack here today?"

Once again the answer was "No, sir, I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."

When he returned for the third time and Jack was still nowhere to be seen, he complained, "I suppose Jack is gone for cotton again?"

"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Jack died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being tricked, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Jack's tombstone, with this inscription: ...

"Gone, But Not for Cotton."

(oh, that's so bad)

Blogfests and Linky Widgets and...HELP!!!

2011-11-18T11:39:00.000-05:00

I've never signed up to join a blogfest. Usually I've been a little intimidated by the number or frequency of posts required. But I saw a nice little one over at Lydia Kang's blog that I thought I could handle. One post and not even a new one at that. Oh yeah, that's my speed. So I decided to give it a try.

I entered my name and URL, clicked on Subscribe and, lo and behold, my name was added to the list. Then I was magically tranported to the Mister Linky site where I followed the steps to set up an account. So far so good.

Not quite sure what to do next, I went back to Lydia's blog and saw a link to Get the Code. Clicked there and found myself back at Mister Linky, who gave me the code but told me I needed to click on Subscribe to subscribe to that meme. There didn't seem to be any magic Subscribe buttons on that page so I went back to Lydia's blog and tried Subscribing again. Now my name is in the list twice. Back to Get the Code and Mr. Linky still says "you've selected a shared meme to which you are not currently subscribed."

I've left a comment on Lydia's blog apologizing for my woeful failure as a blogfester and asking for help, but since I've already revealed my ignorance I might as well ask here, too.

Can anyone tell me what I'm doing wrong?

Groaner of the Day: Animal activist Bo Derek was horrified to learn that the Queen of England wears antique sable coats. She decided to confront the Queen over the issue, and arranged to get herself invited to an event which the Queen was also due to attend.

A month later, they were at a high class tea party. Rich people everywhere. Bo started looking around for the Queen. Sure enough, there she was, and wearing sable.

It was time for the confrontation! Bo marched up to the Queen, stated her cause, and demanded an answer.

Queen Elizabeth responded haughtily: "Some wear old fur to reign, Bo."

(Betcha had to say it out loud to get it.)

Happy Hump Day - and We Have a Winner

2011-11-16T10:18:00.000-05:00

Happy Hump Day.

First, let me congratulate the winner of last week's Caption Contest, Sarah Allen. Sarah, I'll be contacting you by e-mail so you can chose your prize. Thanks to everyone for playing. You always come up with some great captions.

Something a little different today. The following series of pictures show debating church signs. Yes, they are obviously fake and I mean no disrespect to anyone's faith or church affiliation - but this made me laugh out loud so I'm sharing it with you.

For my own part, I offer this quote from Will Rogers: "If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."

And since I can't ask you to get through Hump Day without at least one "aw", I offer this little face...

You said it. I know you did.

Groaner of the Day: (I've got a theme going today) There was a young boy who lived with his family on a farm in the countryside. One building on the farm was a large ice-house, where produce was stored until market day.

One day, the boy was playing near the ice-house, and happened to notice that a family of wrens (small birds) had got themselves trapped in the building. The boy opened the doors, and tried to coax them out, but oddly, they didn't seem to want to come.

The boy was very worried about the little birds because it was so cold in the ice-house, and checked on them every day. To be certain they'd be okay, he included them in his nightly prayers...

"...and God bless all the little chilled wrens."

Just Rambling on a Monday Morning

2011-11-14T13:24:00.001-05:00

Okay, you're my loyal followers. I can't lie to you. I got nothing. Been wracking my brains for a good blog topic for today and it's just not happening. No great information to share, no deep insights to offer. Just some rambling thoughts on a Monday morning.

I bought my first Christmas presents this weekend. One real gift and a few stocking stuffers for the kids. Guess this is not going to be that year I get all my shopping done early so I can relax and enjoy the season.

Missed my early morning walk this morning. Pouring rain and high winds. Mother Nature is doing her best to strip the remaining leaves from the trees before winter arrives. (It's a shame she didn't do that for our friends in the northeast.) It's unseasonably warm today but that's about to change. According to last night's weather forecast, the low tomorrow is supposed to be 47 and the high on Wednesday will be 45. I'm trying to figure out how we get past 46. What do you think?

Things are supposed to warm back up a bit next weekend. Hubby and I agreed to put up the outside Christmas lights then even though we don't turn them on until the day after Thanksgiving.

My eldest called me today to let me know younger grandson's wrestling season begins on Sunday. I love to see the grandkids play, perform, compete, whatever. I happily attend games, meets, matches, concerts, performances, and recitals. Wrestling meets are not my favorite. Don't get me wrong, I love watching him wrestle, but have you ever been to a wrestling meet? His are always on Sundays, somewhere between an hour to an hour and a half away (from my house, not his), and begin at 9:00 a.m. He usually wrestles in three to five matches which last approximately one to five minutes each and are spread over most of the day. So it's get up early and drive, find a spot in the bleechers and wait, cheer like mad for a couple minutes, buy an over priced cup of something to stay awake, more waiting, cheer like mad for a couple minutes, walk around to get the circulation moving in my rear from those wooden bleechers, more waiting... Well, you get the idea. Swimming/diving meets are pretty much the same (I go to a lot of these, too). I've tried taking a book to read but it seems rude not to at least pretend interest in the other kids' matches. Any wrestlers, swimmers, divers, etc. in your family? How do you handle the long meets?

Okay, I'm sticking in this picture just because I like it.

I took this a few weeks ago. How could you not want to capture that sky?

Okay. Nuff rambling for today. What's wandering through your mind this Monday morning?

Check back on Wenesday for the winner of last week's Hump Day Caption Contest.

Groaner of the Day: Kenny Rogers and his entourage are aboard their tourbus on their way to a concert in Denver, when they get a flat tire. The mechanic jumps off the bus to fix the flat, but because they're already behind schedule and in a hurry, he neglects to double check that the lug nuts are properly tightened down.

Shortly thereafter, as the bus goes around a curve on a twisty mountain highway, the entire wheel comes off. The bus veers off the road, and plunges down the side of the mountain.

Everybody on board is killed, except for a young "roadie" who happened to be lying in his bunk, and was somewhat shielded from the crash by his mattress. The kid is lying in his hospital bed being interviewed by the press, and one reporter asks him if Kenny Rogers had said any last words?

"Yes," said the young man, "he did." As the bus went over the edge I could hear Mr. Rogers singing -

"You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel..."

To Say Thank You

2011-11-11T00:51:00.000-05:00

Veterans Day. One of those lesser holidays. You may or may not get off work. The kids may or may not get off school. Heck, most of the stores don't even bother to have a special sale. After all, it's just Veterans Day.

But maybe we could take a minute today, to stop and reflect. To honor. To say thanks.

I have a couple veterans I'd like to honor.

To my father, Frank Masterson, who served our country in the U.S. Army during World War II.

Thanks, Dad.

Thanks also to my uncles - George Masterson, U.S. Army, WW II; Leslie Masterson, U.S. Army, WW II; and William Masterson, U.S. Army, Korea.

Thank you to my brother, Frank L. Masterson, who served our country in the U.S. Army in Viet Nam.

Thank you, Frank.

And may we never again treat our returning servicemen and women as so many of you were treated when you came home.

Thank you to my husband, Stan Leszczuk, who served our country in the U.S. Air Force for twenty years.

You made me proud to be an Air Force wife.

Thank you to all those men and women who stepped up when their country called, ready to give whatever was needed - up to and including their life.

Please, take a moment today and thank a veteran.

Groaner of the Day: A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning when he had made her coffee.

She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

(If you don't get this one, you're too young to remember the commercial it's based on.)

Happy Hump Day Caption Contest

2011-11-09T10:22:00.001-05:00

Happy Hump Day. It's time for another Hump Day Caption Contest. You know how it works - give me a caption for one or more of the five pictures below and your name goes into the hat (one time for each caption) for a drawing to win a free book. The winner gets to chose from a list of titles.

We've had some great captions in past contests. Let's see if we can top them.

Ready, set, go!

And don't forget to leave me your e-mail address so I can contact the winner.

Groaner of the Day: This piece of string walks into a bar. Before he gets halfway to the bar, the bartender calls out "Hey! String! We don't serve your sort in here."

Not to be deterred, the string tries to order a drink, but when the bartender pulls a pair of scissors out from behind the bar, the piece of string decides to leave, running for the door.

Hours later, the piece of string is still frustrated at not being able to get a drink anywhere. He's all twisted up and his ends are coming loose from being thrown out of so many bars.

Before going into the last bar, the piece of string ruffles his ends up even more and contorts himself even more.

As he goes into the last bar, the bartender calls out "Hey! You!" Looking carefully, he asks "Are you a piece of string?"

Feigning ignorance, the piece of string says "No, I'm a frayed knot."

I'm an Idiot!! (The Tale of the Garage Door Remote)

2011-11-07T12:17:00.000-05:00

A couple months ago I started having trouble with the remote control on my garage door opener. Sometimes I'd hit the button and the door would immediately go up (or down, as the case may be), but sometimes I'd have to play this little game. Shake it. Hit the button. Groan. Smack it against my hand. Hit the button. Mutter. Rap it on the steering wheel. Hit the button. Curse. Repeat cycle while debating at what point I was going to give up, leave the car in the driveway, and enter the house via the front door.

I mentioned this problem to my beloved spouse who decided the remote needed a new battery. We have a spare remote but no battery for it.  Since the remotes use a very funky little battery, he took the spare to the store to get one installed. But when he brought it home, the spare remote wouldn't talk to the door opener.

"I know," he told me.  "After putting in a new battery, the remote has to be programmed to the same frequency as the opener. You need to pull out the manual to see how to do that."

I went to the file drawer where we keep the forty two thousand manuals for all of the forty two thousand electronic devices we have ever owned and went through them, one by one. I found the manual for the boom box we bought our now 39 year old son when he was 16. I found the manuals for for three different microwave ovens (we only own one). I even found the manual for the eight-track player we had in our old car (how many of you even know what an eight track is?).  I did not find a manual for the garage door opener.

The search for the missing manual fell by the wayside while the shake, hit, smack, and curse dance became more and more frequent. Our electric garage door opener, unfortunately, does not have an external entry key pad. It works one of two ways - by the remote or by the button mounted next to the internal door leading into the kitchen. So if you're outside, coming in, you're pretty much limited to entering the house via the front door, going through the kitchen and hitting the wall button on your way through the garage to bring in the car. If you're leaving and need to close the garage door behind you, you can do the same thing in reverse or, if you're very quick and very agile, you might be able to hit the button, race to the front of the garage and leap over the safety sensors before the door comes down on your head. I am neither very quick nor very agile.

Thus has gone the last couple weeks. The remote in my car had given up the ghost. The remote with the new battery was waiting to be programmed. The manual was still missing. And I was going in and out by racing through the house to open and close the garage door.

Now you may be asking yourself why I didn't just leave the car outside. The answer is I drive a ten year old Saab convertable that has yet to see her first scratch or ding. She is my baby and I am very protective of her. You might also ask why I didn't simply move the new funky little battery from one remote to the other. The answer to this is because I assumed that since my beloved spouse took the remote to the store with him to get the new battery, it must require some sort of special installation (see title of post).

Jump to this weekend. While looking for something else entirely I found the missing manual (please don't ask where). Instructions for programming a new remote involved opening the big box thing hooked to the big track thing on the ceiling in the garage. I moved my car outside - after opening the door using the button on the wall - got on a step ladder and managed to open the box. Aha! There was the little button that would send the signal to the new remote so they could start playing together. I followed the instructions step by step. Press the signal button in the box. Red light begins flashing. Check. Press button on remote. Red light should stay lit but stop flashing. Nope. Still blinking. Cancel procedure and try again. Several times. Spare remote will not answer signal from big box.

Okay, at this point I'm getting pretty frustrated. Back in the kitchen, I start examining the stubborn remote and end up opening the battery door. Yes, it's a funky little battery but there is nothing, if you'll excuse the expression, remotely difficult about the installation. A simple 'slip in between two contact points'. I go outside, retrieve the dead remote from the car, and open the battery compartment door.  One of the contact points is bent, not touching the base of the battery. I give it a little push, gently bending it back in place. Then I aim it toward the garage and hit the button.

And the garage door goes up.

Arrrrrrrrgh!

Epilog - The first remote is working fine. Both the funky batteries are good so I've stashed one away as a spare. The extra remote is still useless. And I'm an idiot.

Groaner of the Day: A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

What About Talent?

2011-11-04T11:02:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to write this post on my son's laptop, over at his house, watching the grandkids. Parent teacher conferences today, no school. This is a bit problematic since all my post ideas, notes, pictures, etc. are on the PC at my house. So this will be an off-the-top-of-my-head post.

My local writing group met last night. We listened to a guest speaker, local author Liz Coley, then broke into smaller groups for critique sessions. As usual, the work being read ranged from wonderful to...well, not so wonderful. I was especially discouraged for one of our members whose work was riddled with cliches and long-winded flowery passages. The group was gentle and offered useful advice but I knew she'd be back next month with more of the same. She listened to what everyone was telling her but never seemed able to apply it to her work.

We all talk about learning our craft, developing our skills. Even the most talented writer must learn how to channel that talent. Right? But I found myself wondering last night - can anyone learn to write? With the right books or classes or teachers, can anyone become a good (or even great) writer? Or does there have to be some natural talent underneath? Is writing well a gift, a learned skill, or a little of both? Can you have one without the other?

What do you think?

Have a great weekend. Do something fun.

Groaner of the Day: At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

(hee hee hee)

Happy Hump Day

2011-11-02T10:37:00.000-04:00

Happy Hump Day! Between Halloween and the beginning of NaNo (for those of you taking the plunge), this week had quite a jump start, but by now you're probably lagging a little and need a chuckle or an "aw" to get you over the hump and on the downhill slope to the weekend. So here's my contribution to the cause.

Enjoy.

I love the expressions.

This is your "aw". Does it work for you if it doesn't include a kitten?

This one is for my friends in the northeast who got dumped on big time.

Somebody's gonna be maaaad.

Can you? Great! My work here is done.

Did any of these tickle your funny bone?

Groaner of the Day: [Note: I was hunting for a bit of information I thought was in one of my blogs from last year, so I was rumaging through them and came across this groaner. It's a re-run but still made me laugh so I decided to give it another go.]

There is a monastery where monks have taken a vow of near-silence. Each day begins with morning worship. The service starts when the head abbot comes in and chants, "Good morning."

The monks chant in reply, "Good morning."

They say not another word until evening vespers, when the head abbot comes in and chants, "Good evening."

The monks all reply in unison, "Good evening." Not another word is spoken until the next morning.

Several years ago one of the monks decided he had to break up the boredom of this routine. The next morning when the head abbot chanted, "Good morning," all the other monks responded, "Good morning", except the one bored monk who chanted, "Good evening."

Quickly, the head abbot sang in reply: "Some-one chanted 'evening'. He must be a stranger."

(did you like it?)

Decision!

2011-10-31T12:27:00.000-04:00

Last Friday I was wrestling with the question, to NaNo or not to NaNo. I offered up my quandry and asked for your advice. My sincere thanks to all who responded.

As is so often the case, hearing opinions on both side helped me figure out what I really wanted and needed to do. This is what I came up with:

I would like to do NaNo. It would be fun just to be part of it and challenges are very helpful for me.
It's more important that I stay focused on my WIP until I finish the final polishing and start actively querying.
None of the projects I have pending are at the "start writing" point.

And a biggie I hadn't really considered:

November is a ridiculous month to devote to a major writing challenge. (Remember, I admitted last week that the other thing that always sneaks up on me is Christmas.)

So, I've decided not to do NaNo.

BUT -

I don't seem to be the only one who isn't quite ready for NaNo and/or who can't give up a month in the middle of the holiday season for a writing challenge. So here's what I propose:

In November, instead of donig NaNo, I'll figure out the details on setting up a writing challenge, which will take place in January - after the holidays, when we need a little spark. If you're interested, you've got two months to pull that new project together so you're ready to go with the New Year. We won't be quite as ambitious in our goals as NaNo and if you want to start writing your story before we start, that's fine, too. This will just be a support and encouragement challenge. With maybe a little added incentive thrown in (give me time to see what I can come up with).

I'll post the details of the New Year Challenge around the beginning of December and if you're interested, or know someone who might be, perhaps you would help spread the word.

What do you think? Sound like a plan?

This picture has nothing whatsoever to do with today's post. I just thought it was funny.

Groaner of the Day: Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came by and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...

"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."

Decisions, Decisions

2011-10-28T12:27:00.000-04:00

It snuck up on me. The way Christmas sneaks up on me every year. Even though I know the date. Even though I'm surrounded by signs of its coming. When it gets here, I'm still not ready.

NaNoWriMo.

I want to do it. I've planned to do it.

I thought my current book would be at query stage now and I'd be ready to move on. But I'm still getting feedback from my beta-readers and crit partner so there's work yet to be done.

And the novel-to-be isn't exactly ready to go. I've got one story with a plot that's coming together nicely but the characters are still pretty sketchy. I've got another one with most of the characters ready to go but the plot isn't there. (No, the two wouldn't merge at all.) And then there's a decades old 85% complete sci fi I found recently with a decent plot and some characters that are probably worth a total re-write.

NaNo would be good for me. I've been a bit unfocused in my writing lately and I reponse well to challenges. But with the prep work I still need to do - I'm a total plotter, not a panster - there's not much chance I can get a 50K complete story done in November.

Do I sign up for NaNo and set myself up for failure? Or maybe take on a modified challenge, i.e. I will get the plot/character design finished and the first 30K written. Or do I just pass on the whole thing and work on getting the WIP polished and start querying.

What do you think? Door number one, two, or three? If you think I should go for it, which story should I tackle: good plot with sketchy characters, definite characters with unformed plot, or old resurrected sci fi?

Looking for your good advice here. Help me out.

Groaner of the Day: The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger said, "I do, Why?"

The cowboy said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead out there."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was down from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better but the heat was still oppressive.

The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and says, "I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to help cool him down".

Tonto agrees and begins running circles around Silver. Unable to do anything except wait, the Lone Ranger returns to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger says, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun running."

Another Happy Hump Day

2011-10-26T14:51:00.001-04:00

Here it is again - another Hump Day. And here's a little something to boost you over. Got some chuckles and some aw's and maybe even an eke.

Enjoy.

Odd. It's usually the ladies room that has the long line.

You said aw. I know you did.

Remember the cat from last week? This guy had to come off the same assembly line.

Last week we met the "Significant Otter", this week - the significant result.

I'm not sure what to say about this face.

Now before you scroll down - disclaimer time.

This is my son and my grandson.

I am NOT responsibile for their appearance.

I am not a violent person.

But sometimes...you know how aggravating boys can be.

I may have gotten out of hand.

Just a little.

(Okay, they were participating in the local "Zombie Walk" for charity.)

Anything tickle your funny bone or tug a heartstring?

Groaner of the Day: Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little broom."

"Impossible!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together!"

A Must Read - Chain of Souls

2011-10-24T09:45:00.000-04:00

Special day today. My friend Maria Zannini's latest, Chain of Souls, is live and waiting for you. Chain of Souls is Book Two in Maria's Second Chance series and is really a must read.

Shannon McKee is caught between Michael, the angel from Hell who took her soul, and Liam, the fallen angel she loves. Now Ziva, the Angel of Death, is offering Liam deal. Do the unthinkable and she will get him reinstated into Heaven. Refuse and she will destroy those he loves, including Shannon.

This novella is fast paced (I'll admit I read it in one sitting) with fascinating characters and some twists you will not see coming. A great romance that will have you thinking about the afterlife a whole new way.

Chain of Souls is available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Smashwords

I also recommend the first book in this series, The Devil to Pay. Seriously, wouldn't you like to know how Shannon managed to lose her soul and end up caught between two Angels who want her...in every way.

The Devil to Pay is available on Amazon, B&N, and Smashwords.

And check out Maria's new contest, Mention Chain of Souls and Get Eaten.

It would be great to give Maria a big launch day so if you're thinking about buying Chain of Souls (and why wouldn't you?), do it today. Helping to spread the word would be nice, too.

Groaner of the Day: An angel went to see St. Peter.

"All I do," the angel said, "is play the harp endlessly, and I'm getting bored."

St. Peter asked, "What would you rather do?"

The angel answered, "I like to dance."

"We don't allow dancing here in heaven," St. Peter said, "but I can see you need a change so I will allow you to take advantage of a once-in-an-eternal-lifetime offer. I will allow you 24 hours leave to return to earth and dance."

"I'm gone," the angel said and in a trice the angel was in California and quickly found a dance hall run by Samuel Frank. Checking the harp and wings, the angel boogied and danced and had a great time until just seconds remained of the leave.

The angel grabbed up the wings and immediately was in heaven again. Returning to St. Peter, the angel said, "I'm back and I am so happy. I'll never feel bored again."

St. Peter said, "That's wonderful, but where is your musical instrument?"

"Oh, no," the angel said, "I left my harp in Sam Frank's Disco."

But I Want To ...

2011-10-21T13:48:00.001-04:00

Ellipsis: (plural ellipses; from the Ancient Greek: ἔλλειψις, élleipsis, "omission" or "falling short") is a series of marks that usually indicate an intentional omission of a word, sentence or whole section from the original text being quoted. An ellipsis can also be used to indicate a pause in speech, an unfinished thought, or, at the end of a sentence, a trailing off into silence (aposiopesis). When placed at the beginning or end of a sentence, the ellipsis can also inspire a feeling of melancholy longing. The ellipsis calls for a slight pause in speech or any other form of text. {credit Wilipedia}

Our local writing group had a crit session last night, focused on short stories we're writing for a specific project. I had finished a first draft and offered it up for review. On the plus side, the story, pacing and characterization were well received. But I had my hand slapped repeatedly for my overuse of...ellipses.
The problems was in my dialog. The crit conversations went something like this.

Helpful Critiquer: "Use a comma here, or even a semicolon."

Me: "Um, okay. But I don't think that gives me enough of a pause."

HC: "Then use a period. Break it up into one word sentences to show the emphasis on each word."

Me: "Uh huh, I've used that method. But I don't want emphasis here. I want hesitation. Uncertainty. In my head I hear it like this: 'I don't think...maybe we shouldn't...are you sure we can do this?'"

HC: "Hmm. Okay. I see your point. But you still can't have this many ellipses. You need to figure out another way to write it."

Argh!

This isn't a new one for me. I know I have a tendency to overuse this form of punctuation. But it gives me exactly the dialog pacing I'm looking for. Who decided we had to limit the use of ellipses anyway? Such a nice, harmless little collection of dots to incur such wrath. I once had a writer friend threaten to pull the ellipses from my WIP and beat me with them. (You know who you are. *waves*)

How about you? Do you have a favorite form of punctuation, or maybe a word or a phrase, that does exactly what you want it to do, so that you tend to overuse it. Even when the rules say you can't. How do you work around it?

Special note: Be sure to visit me on Monday when I'll have a special announcement on an exciting new release.

Have a fabulous...uh...weekend. *winks*

Groaner of the Day: A young man put himself through law school as a semi-professional prizefighter. He was actually a very good a boxer and was being urged to stay with it instead of becoming a lawyer. As he prepared to take the bar exam, he knew it was time to make the big decision but he was havng a terrible time. He just couldn't decide between boxers or briefs.

Happy Hump Day - Just Plain Silly

2011-10-19T00:08:00.001-04:00

Happy Hump Day. Here's your weekly dose of silliness to get you over that mid-week hump and on the downhill coast to the weekend.

Know what's cool? When you get an e-mail on Tuesday full of great pictures just begging to be included in a Hump Day post. Here are a few. Some will make you laugh. Some will make you go, "awwww". Hopefully all will make your day a little brighter.

(You just said, "aw", didn't you? Come on, admit it.)

(Betcha laughed at this one.)

(Said "aw" again, huh?)

(Oh dear. That's what I look like when I try to run.)

(Yeah, I've felt like this.)

(Can I get a third "aw"?)

Okay, did any of those strike your fancy?

Groaner of the Day: Something I've never done before - a cartoon groaner:

In the Blink of an Eye

2011-10-17T10:48:00.001-04:00

I was sick last week. Bad cold, touch of flu, whatever. Felt lousy all week, so I didn't get a lot of work done. I saved my energy for the important things. Like football games.

A friend of mine scolded me for dragging myself out to a football game on Thursday (I didn't mention to her I'd already done a game on Tuesday). And I was out there again on Sunday. Why? Well, my elder grandson's newly formed 7th grade Spirit Band (we used to call it Pep Band) played for the first time at the game on Tuesday and my elder granddaughter's 7th grade cheerleader squad was doing their game on Thursday (different schools) and my younger grandson's 5th grade team had their first playoff game on Sunday - he's a linebacker.

But that still doesn't answer why. As my friend pointed out, the kids would forgive me for missing their games if I was sick. They truly would. But I know something at this point in my life I didn't know when my own kids were young. I understand about "in the blink of an eye" and "it's the little moments" and "building memories".

If we hadn't been at Tuesday game, we couldn't have offered to bring him home so his dad could leave early to get our younger granddaughter to bed. And we would have missed this:

"That was so awesome. How did we sound, Nana? Did we sound okay?"
"You sounded great."
"Really? Thanks. And thanks for being there."

If we hadn't been at the Thursday game, we would have missed the opportunity to stay with her for the evening while my son and his wife went out, and I would have missed our "girl talk" at bedtime, about life and love and all those things that are important to a young woman just entering her teens.

If we hadn't been at Sunday's game we would have missed seeing him get his first two quarterback sacks and having him race over to me after the game, helmet in hand, all excited...

"Two sacks! I got two sacks. Did you see them, Nana?"

"Of course, I saw them. You played great. I'm proud of you."

"Thanks, Nana."

That's my boy - number 21, with his shoulder to the turf.

My younger granddaughter - the only one who wasn't involved in a football game last week - has a choir concert this evening. I'm really behind on everything, tons of work to do. Guess where I'll be tonight.

So, what are the things you won't miss, and why?

Groaner of the Day: There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

For a moment the guy was devastated. Then he ran off smiling and singing: "I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone."

(oh that's so bad)

Crisis of Confidence Going On Over Here

2011-10-14T15:41:00.001-04:00

Like most writers, I'm a big reader. Loved to read as far back as I can remember (and at my age, that's pretty far). But I never spent a lot of time analyzing how I felt about a book unless it really moved me in some way. Most of the time, my reaction was I liked it or I didn't like it and that was all. Now that I'm seriously trying to get published, I pay a lot more attention when I read. What worked in the story, what didn't, and why.

A couple weeks ago I attended a book signing. I wasn't familiar with the author but the ads and all her bookcovers proclaimed she was a "National Bestseller". The books were listed as "Suspense". I bought two. While I was there I also picked up the most recent book from an author whose blog I had started following. She wasn't a bestseller but the book was number six in a series, so she had to be reasonably successful.

I started with one of the two from the bestseller. It opened with a great action scene and pulled me right in. The male and female lead characters (one was a cop) had the usual mild animosity and mistrust that I expected would be overcome later in the story. The plot started to develop, clues and foreshadowing nicely layered in, then all of a sudden they were in bed. No build up of sexual tension, almost no internal struggle with the attraction between them, just - bam - they went from dislike/mistrust to wild sex and I can't live with out you. The abruptness of it destroyed the connection I was developing with the charactors which, in turn, pretty much spoiled the rest of the book for me.

So I moved on to the second book. Maybe that just wasn't one of her better efforts. The second book also started out strong. A little stronger animosity and mistrust between the leads this time (again, one was a cop), good opening action, good hook. I was really getting into it. Then - bam - in the middle of a significant plot development the lead characters jump each other in a parking lot and head back to his place. No build up, no tension, no internal struggle to speak of.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of romance. I'm a little disappointed if a story doesn't have some romantic element. And I'm certainly not against sex. Nothing better than a good steamy love scene. But it has to fit the characters and the plot. These felt more like - "Oops, page 33, time for sex."

I moved on to the third book (the other author). A little softer tone, slower pace. Nice character development. But the story was incredibly weak. The main plot line was an abduction. For much of the story the police wandered around searching for suspicious vehicles and canvassing the neighborhood. There was no interesting detective work, no putting together clues and developing leads. I know police work is sometimes like that but it doesn't make for very interesting reading. Finally the author cut to the POV of the abductee. She wakes up in a dark room, realizes what's happened, frees herself from her bonds in a way that was too simplistic to be believed, and when her captor returns, knocks him over and runs to a conveniently located gas station to call 911.

Oh, come on.

So, what's wrong? I read three books and picked out what I thought worked and didn't work in each of them. That's good, right? That will help me be a better writer, help me not to make the same mistakes. Except... Author One is a national bestseller and Author Two has a successful series. So maybe my judgement about what works and what doesn't stinks.

I'm currently polishing a my WIP and getting close to query stage. I think it looks pretty good. But now...[see title]

What do you do at times like this?

Groaner of the Day: (long post, short pun) I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

Happy Hump Day Mystery

2011-10-12T12:08:00.000-04:00

Happy Hump Day. And we have a winner for last week's Caption Contest. Congratulations to Isis Rushdan. Isis gave us five great captions which gave her five chances to win.

Today's post is a little goodie I received in an e-mail. It came with a couple links to verify it's authenticity but, to be honest, I didn't check it out. One reason is I've caught a nasty bug and I'm so loopy on cold meds, I could barely find my way to my own site. The other is I don't care. If this is pure fiction, it's still worth reading just to admire the convoluted mind that came up with it.

So without further ado - The Strange Case of Ronald Opus

On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.

Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a 10-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.

As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun.

The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'

When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her.

Therefore, the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about 6 weeks prior to the fatal accident.

It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now for the exquisite twist...

Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus.

He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the 10 story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.

The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself.

So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

Did you like it? Give you any ideas?

Okay, my box of tissues and I are going back to bed now. See you on Friday.

Groaner of the Day: A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"

The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.

"Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."

Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"

That will be $330." the vet replied.

"What?" screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330!?"

"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

Some Facts from the PWA

2011-10-10T12:56:00.000-04:00

A few facts I picked up at the Writers Police Academy.

Those air tanks firefighters wear are compressed air, not oxygen. Oxygen is highly flammable - the last thing you want to take into a fire. But the air tanks are highly pressurize which makes them very dangerous. One instructor made the comparison of blowing up a balloon and letting it go.

Air tanks ready to go.

Prisoners prefer cops use their street names in detention (jail, not prison) because they don't want other prisoners to learn their real names. This is partially to protect their families, partially so others won't give that name the next time they're arrested.

The concrete walls and/or floor in many prison provide a way for prisoners to fashion weapons by shaving or shaping items against the rough surface. (And yet, many cells are still constructed this way.)

Sgt. Catherine Netter talking about jail cells.

Not all gunshot wounds create an external bleed. If there is not exit wound, the victim could bleed out internally with very little visible blood.

Blood evidence usually falls into one or more of the following:

Passive - drops, clots, pooling;
Projected - arterial spurts, cast off splashes;
Transfer - smears, wipes, tracks;
Misc - voids, fly spots. What's a fly spot? It occurs when a fly lands in the blood, then lands somewhere else at the scene. Lots of flies can confuse the scene.

Types of blood splatter.

In gunshot wounds inflicted at close range, it is common to have blood splatter inside the gun barrel.

The K9 officer, Joy, pictured below is trained in Dutch. This is her native tongue; plus, it makes it difficult for suspects to try to counter her handler's commands.

Joy is the one looking up.

One of the advantages to Bioterroism is cost. To inflict the same casualty rate using conventional weapons it would cost $2,000, using nuclear weapons - $800, chemical weapons - $600, Anthrax - $1.

Dr. Denene Lofland conducts our session on bioterrorism.

Pepper spray can cause death in certain situations. Cocaine use causes an elevated heart rate. Pepper spray also elevates the heart rate. Using pepper spray to subdue a violent suspect who has previously used cocaine could bring on a fatal heart attack.

And last but not least - no matter what you see on TV, female detectives and/or crime scene investigators do NOT come to work wearing four inch heels, short skirts, or low cut blouses (no cleavage!). Forget the long flowing tresses, too. Hair is worn short or pinned up. Think slacks with belt loops (need the belt for holster, cuff pouch, etc.), shirts, usually some sort of jacket to cover the weapon, and flat shoes or boots - not slip ons because "you'll run right out of them if you have to chase someone".

That's it for today. Did you learn anything new?

Come by on Wednesday to learn the winner of last week's Caption Contest.

Groaner of the Day: Police found a criminal shot to death with exit wounds but no entry wounds. It was determined to be an inside job.

Let's be Honest

2011-10-07T01:04:00.000-04:00

Okay, I'll be honest. I promised a post Friday on more of what I learned at the Writers' Police Academy. But that means posting it now because I have another commitment in the morning.

Well, I haven't written it yet. I had theater tickets this evening - Young Frankenstein, the Muscal. It was great. Then I wanted to seen the end of the Tiger-Yankee game. (I was rooting for the Tigers so that was also great.) Then I got distracted by this and that, and now it's almost 1:00 AM and I'm too tired to write about the WPA. So I'm putting off that promised post until Monday, with my apologies.

I will remind you that the Caption Contest from my Wednesday post is still open for entries. Stop by and play.

My writers' group is doing a public reading at a local bookstore Friday evening. I'm going to read the poem I wrote when we lost my mother-in-law, Eleanora, last year. Saturday is the first anniversary of her passing. I'd like to share it here as well, in her memory.

More Time

I thought we had more time.
The doctors said it would be weeks,
Not days. Not hours.
Not now.

There were things I planned to do.
Take a notebook with me,
Ask her questions about the old days
And write down the answers this time.

She asked me to bring her a card
For her great-grandson's birthday next month,
So she could sign it
Just in case.

I asked her about stuffed pancakes
From Bob Evans.
I could bring her some on Sunday.
She said that would be nice.

I thought there would be warning signs
That would tell us to stay there,
Close beside her,
Holding her hands.

Not a phone call in the night.
Not a stranger's voice
Telling me
She was already gone.

I thought we had more time.

Thanks for letting me share. I'll try to get my act together on my posts before Monday. Have a great weekend.

(I think I'll skip the groaner on this one. I'll find a good on for Monday.)

Hump Day Caption Contest Time

2011-10-05T09:30:00.000-04:00

Happy Hump Day. It's time for another Caption Contest.

I'm playing with the rules a little this week. Since I love reading your captions, your name will go into the drawing one time for each picture you caption. One caption, one entry. Caption all five and you've got five entries. So put on those thinking caps and let's see some great captions.

Captions will be accepted until midnight on Saturday, Oct. 8. The winner will select a book from a list of at least six titles. Don't forget to leave your e-mail address.

Here are this week's pictures.

Okay, have at it. Hope this helps you over the hump and you're on an easy coast to the weekend. See you Friday.

Groaner of the Day: Ten Thousand years ago the first humans came to North America by crossing over from Russia to Alaska. They hadn't actually intended to do this. They got lost and couldn't get their Berings Strait.

Monday With Buster

2011-10-03T14:05:00.000-04:00

I fully intended to do a second post on the Writers' Police Academy today. Not too early though because I was babysitting my son's house first thing this morning, waiting for the construction guys that were doing some work for him. While I was waiting, I starting worrying about his dog, Buster.

Buster is a crate trained dog. He spends most of his days sleeping in a large crate while his family is at work and school. But I thought it would be hard for him sitting in the crate while strangers wandered around his house...so I offered to take him home with me.

It should be simple. I wanted to spend most of the day on the computer and he's used to sleeping all day; plus, I get a little lonesome in our empty house since we lost our Brandi last July. My only concern was whether the smells of new "territory" would cause him to do what boy dogs do - so I knew I'd need to keep an eye on him.

One thing I didn't count on. Buster is used to being in a closed house. Allergies keep my son's windows closed up most of the year. I'm a fresh air fiend. The sounds and smells wafting in from outside had Buster all aquiver. No much sleeping going on.

Although our yard is fenced, I know from experience that a dog Buster's size, chasing a squirrel, will go over that fence like a track and field hurdle. I could put him outside, but only if I went along to keep an eye on him.

It was actually kind of nice. A little nippy but with a big mug of hot tea and a library book I've been dying to finish - it made for a pleasant morning.

Except, I didn't get that WPA post written. So my post today goes to Buster.

The workmen will be at my son's house for about a week. Not sure what I'm going to do about tomorrow.

How about you? Anything sidetrack your day today?

Groaner of the Day: Dad was a scientist and he was moving the family - parents, kids, even the dog - to a remote cabin to complete his current wildlife study. It took weeks to get there. They traveled by plane, by train, by truck, and finally by boat. It wasn't until they arrived that Mom noticed something had been lost in transit. Yup, they were up the creek without a poodle.

Handcuffing and Arrest Techniques from the WPA

2011-09-30T12:13:00.004-04:00

As promised, here's a little of what I learned at the Writers' Police Academy. This session was on Handcuffing and Arrest Techniques, with instructors Stan Lawhorne and Dee Jackson.

The first objective with dealing with a violent suspect is to secure him/her. Stan and Dee demonstrated a number of hand to hand takedown procedures but this is not the preffered method.

Ideally, the officer will be able to order to suspect to lay facedown, arms spread, palms up. (Dee entertained us at this point with a number of the excuses they get for refusing to lay down, including, "Hey, that ground's all wet. I ain't laying in no puddle.")

The office then approaches the suspect, kneels down and applies the weight of one knee to the suspect's shoulder - not the neck or the side (ribcage area) where the weight could cause injury. The officer applies the handcuff to the near arm first and orders to the suspect to raise his/her other arms. If the suspect is uncooperative at this point, the officer is in the best postion to lean across the suspect and grab the other arm without losing control.

Believe it or not, most handcuff keys are interchangable. A handcuff key is simply a small rod with a "nipple" on the end. This is a standard universal handcuff key.

Most handcuff manufacturers provide this type of key with a new pair of cuffs. Stan explained that these keys are small and can be difficult to work with in the field so many officers purchase keys with a larger grip surface (below - bottom) or a key holder into which a small key can be inserted (below - top).

Since handcuff keys are universal, they are very easy to purchase and not that hard to make. Thus, officers have to assume many of the people they need to cuff will have their own key. This is one of the reasons hands are cuffed behind the suspect's back. The correct position for handcuffing is with the palms facing out and the lock opening facing upward to make it impossible for the suspect to pick the lock.

The most common types of handcuffs are chain and hinged.

Although the chain variety are easier to carry, the hinged provide better security (less flexibility to the wearer).

The cuff circle is made up off a fixed wider side (the dark side in the picture below) and a moving narrow side (the lighter side). Cuffs are not opened to apply to the wrist. The narrow side is slapped against the wrist with enough force to push it through the opening in the wider side and it will swing full cirle and come back into the locked position around the wrist.

Because the lock is a simple rachet style, it will continue to get tighter as pressure is applied. To prevent the cuff from getting tight enough to cause injury - either through struggle or deliberately by the suspect in an attempt to have the cuffs removed - most cuffs now have a double lock that can be applied to fix them in place.

Okay, that's today's lesson on handcuffing and arrest techniques. Any questions?

Groaner of the day: Is an FBI sketch artist a bureau drawer?

Happy Hump Day

2011-09-28T13:19:00.000-04:00

Happy Hump Day. I'm a little behind schedule this week, getting my posts up midday instead of the night before. Hopefully, I'll be back in sync by Friday, when I'll be telling you more about the wonderful Writers' Police Academy.

I want to do something a little different today. I'm a bit of a camera bug (taking pictures, not being in them), and I feel like sharing a few shots I especially like. Hope you like them, too.

Mr. Dragonfly.

I like to call this one Kung Fu Diving

A bit of last winter.

This one was actually borrowed by the local Red Cross chapter for their aquatics class calendar.

My all time favorite. He was hunting for stones to throw in the water. Very serious work.

So how about you? Do you like taking pictures. Ever share any on your blog?

Groaner of the Day: For many years a certain white whale and a tiny herring had been inseparable friends. Wherever the white whale roamed in search of food, the herring was sure to be swimming right along beside him. One fine spring day the herring turned up off the coast of Norway without his companion. Naturally all the other fish were curious, and an octopus finally asked the herring what happened to his whale friend.

How should I know?" the herring replied. "Am I my blubber's kipper?"

Scenes From the Writers' Police Academy

2011-09-26T22:57:00.000-04:00

Just a few of the many scenes from the Writers' Police Academy.

Ride alongs.

Jail cell searches.

Blood splatter patterns.

K-9 teams.

Bio-terrorism.

Driving simulator.

Gunshot victim.

Shallow grave crime scene.

Take downs.

And arrests.

Don't you wish you could have been there? More next time.

Groaner of the day: A policeman accidentally arrested a judge who had dressed as a convict for a costume party. That cop learned never to book a judge by his cover.

A Special Message

2011-09-22T23:30:00.000-04:00

Sending this from the Writers' Police Academy. I'm going to have lots to share when I get back. But today's (Friday's) post needs to be dedicated to something else.

Happy Birthday, Mom.

I miss you every day and I'll love you always.

That's all. Have a great weekend. See you on Monday.

Happy Hump Day

2011-09-21T09:32:00.000-04:00

Hey there! Happy Hump Day. I'm running around franticly trying to get ready to leave tomorrow for the Writers' Police Academy in Jamestown, NC so this will be a short post. (Why do I always leave everything until the last minute?) I'll tell you all about it when I get home next week.

But I couldn't leave you without a little something to help you over the Hump. So here are a couple giggles for the day. Scoll down slowly - you want to read the text before seeing the picture.

NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOUR LIPSTICK!

Why would you even ask me that?

I am so insulted!

Every time something goes missing around here,

everybody looks at me!

This next one's actually a bit sad. We all hear about puppy mills and the problems that can occur with too much inbreeding. Here's an example of an inbred cat.

Aw, come on. You laughed. You know you did.

Okay, that will have to do for now. Tomorrow night I get to do a "ride along" on patrol with a Guilford County Sheriff's Deputy. I'm excited. If I can, I'll do a quick post from NC on Friday. Otherwise, see you next week.

Groaner of the Day: The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any of the area's beautiful Bengal Tigers while he was the country's leader. The decree was honored until there were so many tigers running loose that the people were in constant danger.

After a local family was eaten and the ruler still refused to revoke the decree, the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power.

This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.

Color Me Grateful

2011-09-19T20:21:00.002-04:00

Last month when discontinued my old blog and started this one, I was bemoaning the lost of all the Followers I left behind. But I also left behind a few other things, including the blog awards I'd received there. So my new blog has felt a little naked.

Last week I was delighted to receive not one, but two, blog awards from fellow blogger Angela Brown. Thank you so much, Angela. You made my week.

I discovered Angela's blog, in a Pursuit of Publishness, just recently and I really enjoy it.

Of course, most blog awards have rules attached for receiving and for passing along, so let me properly accept the following.

Rules:

1. Thank and link to the person who nominates you - Okay, did that above.

2. Share seven random facts about you - Here they are:

I'm a die hard Red Sox fan although I left Boston at the ripe old age of four.

I chew gum when I write. The more intense the scene, the harder I chew. I've made hamburger out of the inside of my lower lip working my way through a good murder.

I love live theater. Broadway (when I'm in NYC) to local community theater and everything in between.

I'm not an obsessive grandmother or anything like that, but the license plates on my car say "Da Nana".

I am totally freaked out by spiders. All other kinds of creepy crawlies I'm okay with but not spiders. I think it comes from seeing The Incredible Shinking Man when I was a kid. If you know the movie, you'll remember the scene.

I was a first wave Red Cross disaster relief worker after Katrina. I had to set up a shielter for 100 evacuees in a community center with no showers, two single stall bathrooms, no working phones (landline or cell), and no supplies. We were about a county and a half beyond the end of the established suppy lines.

I have a black thumb. Houseplants have little chance for survival in my care. Silk flowers don't fare much better.

3. Pass this award to five new blogging friends - And here they are:

Nay at Cover to Cover and Everything in Between

Maryann Miller at It's Not All Gravy

Cate at Cate Masters

Larri at Seams Inspired

Isis at Isis Rushdan

4. Contact and congratulate the awarded bloggers - Heading out to do that now.

1. Thank and link to the person who nominates you - Again, did that above. Hi Angela! *waves*

2. Share seven random facts about you

I'm a tea drinker. Hot tea. All day, all year round. Never have developed a taste for coffee, although I will drink one of those frou frou mocha concoctions from Starbucks on occasion. Odd side note: I love coffee flavor ice cream.

I have lived at different times within 15 minutes of both coasts. I have to admit, I'll take the northeast over the southwest (my apologies to my friends in Southern California).

I did get as far in my writing career as being signed by an agent a couple decades ago. Sadly, we were not a good fit and nothing ever came of it.

I have spent my entire adult life on a diet, just coming off a diet, or thinking I need to start a diet. I have lost enough weight to create several clones.

I can't ride rollar coasters. Absolutely terrified. I don't do ferris wheels very well either. But tilt-o-whirls or scramblers - anything that stays close to the ground - I love.

Surprisingly, considering that last fact, I love rock climbing. Not very good at it, but love doing it.

I've been married 42 years. (Yes, to the same guy.)

3. Pass this Award along to 15 recently discovered blogs and let them know about it! - Well, I'm going to cheat on this one a little. Not all of these are recently discovered. Just blog friends I want to share this award with. These are all blogs I enjoy and recommend.

Maria at Maria Zannini

Mason at Thoughts in Progress

Dru at notes from me

Sarah at Falen Formulates Fiction

Jemi at Just Jemi

Liz at Liz Fichera

Mary at Giggles and Guns

Diane at Spunk of a Stick

Stacy at Stacy's Rantings anad Whatnot

Shellie at Chapter Writer

Lee at Tossing It Out

Susan at Susan Says

Mooderino at Moody Writing

Lynnette at Chatterbox Chitchat

Mary at My Place by the Sea

Okay, there we go. Thanks again, Angela. It was fun receiving and passing along.

Note: I had this blog all done and ready to post when Blogger hiccupped and wiped out all my links. That's why I'm so late today. Personally, I'd love you all to accept this award without feeling obligated to pass it along to quite so many if you don't have the time.

Now I have to race around to everyone's blog and let them know.

Groaner for the day: Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Visiting the Ohio BCI

2011-09-16T18:00:00.000-04:00

I had a great time today touring the Ohio Bureau of Criminal Investigation Headquarters in London , OH. I also learned quite a bit. Here's a sample:

The BCI has three Divisions: Identification, Investigations, and Laboratory. I had a pretty good idea what the Identification and Laboratory Divisions covered but I was intrigued but Investigations.

The Investigations Division contains the following Units:

Crime Scene
Criminal Intelligence
Cyber Crimes
Environmental Enforcement (includes hazardous waste, pollution, and OSHA)
Narcotics
Clandestine Drug Lab and Marijuana Eredication
Special Investigations (serial crimes, police-involved shooting, public corruption investigations, dignitary protection, etc.)
Missing Persons
Technical Operations

These guys would be involved in pretty much any crime I might dream up. Got my imagination working overtime.

Did you know that their Predictive Analysis people can study five crimes (commited by the same person) and predict where number six will be? They're doing so, and very successfully.

Other interesting facts:

25% of the usable prints found at crime scenes are palm prints, not fingerprints
The Ohio BCI gets 100 hits per month on their CODIS (DNA) database
Light wave technology can be used to identify different inks on the same document (i.e. altered checks)
Fingerprints scanned into the computer system are assigned identification points (70-75 ave. per print). The system uses the points when searching for matching prints.
It takes approximately five minutes for the system to search four to six million prints on file and yield twenty possible matches for further comparison.
The Trace Evidence Lab can tell if a car's headlights were on or off at the time of an accident
Normal turnaround time for DNA analysis is 125 days, although this number is being reduced with the addition of newer equipment and more staff. (NOT TV CSI's <60 minutes.)

Oh, and I never realized the BCI falls under the State Attorney General's Office. I guess it's obvious but I never made the connection.

All in all, a very interesting day.

How was yours?

Groaner of the Day: (Lots of reading above so here's a short one.) A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

Happy Hump Day - and We Have a Winner

2011-09-14T12:49:00.000-04:00

Opps. I'm afraid I got so wrapped up in my 9/11 posts, I completely forgot to announce the winner for last Wednesday's Caption Contest. Congratulations to: Maryann Miller. Maryann, I'll be contacting you by e-mail about your prize. Thanks to everyone for participating.

This week I'm making it easy on everyone. These sillies come with captions. Just enjoy.

I love the last one.

Please take a moment to say hi if you stop by. See you on Friday.

Groaner of the Day: In a kingdom far far away, and a long long time ago, a party was being given. To this party the king had invited everyone in the kingdom to his castle. And everyone was having a grand time. The wine was flowing, the tables were overflowing with food, and the dancing was beautiful.

Suddenly, out of thin air a gnarled old man appeared out of thin air. His hands clutched in tight fists by his body, smoke streaming from his shoulders, he walked up to the king and said, "How dare you have a party and not invite your own court wizard! For this insult I curse this castle with the dreaded Curse of the Fingers. Anyone who attempts to leave here will be rendered limb from limb by huge disembodied fingers!"

The wizard waved his bony arms about and shouted in a guttural foreign language. "There!", he said and vanished.

All at once, the people of the kingdom looked to their king. What would he do? How could he save them. The king pursed his lips and looked about him. Finally, he turned to his knights and asked for a volunteer to ride to the next kingdom and plead with their wizard to remove the curse. Of course all of the knights wished to go. The king selected the knight with the greatest seniority and sent him on his way.

The knight gathered up all his weapons, put on his best suit of armour and headed out. As soon as his foot stepped off of the drawbridge, gigantic yellow fingers appeared from nowhere and ripped him limb from limb.

One after another, each knight attempted to ride out of the castle, each one in turn was ripped to shreds. Finally, no knights were left.

The king looked about him. "Is there anyone else who would brave this curse and rescue us from this horrible fate?", he said.

"I will, sir!", said a small boy who had been serving one of the knights before he died.

The small boy packed up his belongings and provisions for the journey. Since he was a poor serving boy, he had no horse and would have to walk. As soon as he crossed the drawbridge, the yellow fingers appeared and tried to rip him apart. They couldn't! Each time the tried to grab him, the boy wriggled free and continued on his journey!

Several days later, the boy was back at the castle with the neighboring kingdom's wizard. The king was overjoyed to have the curse lifted and he called the boy to him.

"How did you escape from those monstrous fingers? All my knights couldn't get past them and they were killed. How could you do it?"

The boy looked up at the king and replied, "Your majesty, I realized after the last knight was killed that the only way to escape this curse was to...let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers."

9/11 - A Different Kind of Memory

2011-09-12T09:07:00.001-04:00

When Eleanora Leszczuk was sixteen, Nazi troops rolled through her small village in Poland. They took her and one of her two sisters and put them on separate trains to Germany. She never saw that sister or anyone else in her family again.

Eleanora survived the war as a prisoner, working on a forced labor farm. It was there she met Tony, who would become her husband, and there that she gave birth to her only child, Stan. After the war, Eleanora, Tony and their son spent five years in various refugee camps in Europe before securing a sponsor who could bring them to America. They settled in Detroit, found work, enrolled their son in the local parish school, and started building a new life. Stan grew up, became a US citizen, was commissioned as an officer in the US Air Force, and got married. (And I received the great gift of having Eleanora as a mother-in-law.)

At the time of the tragedy of 9/11, Eleanora was living near us in Ohio. Tony had passed away a few years before. In the patriotic fervor that followed 9/11, I happened to ask Eleanora why she'd never become a US citizen. She told me she had wanted to, back when Stan did - when he turned 21 - but it was not possible for Tony (who had no formal education) and she didn't want to disrespect him by doing what he could not. I asked her, "What about now? Would you still like to?" She answered, "I'm too old. They wouldn't want me now."

Of course, this wasn't true. I downloaded the requirements for citizenship, including the test materials, and offered them to her. She spent months learning facts most of those of us who were born here don't know. We helped her submit the formal request in the spring and, on August 8, 2003, her 77th birthday, 52 years after she came to this country, Eleanora took and passed her examination for citizenship. Now all that was left was the official 'swearing in' ceremony.

In a fitting tribute to the enduring strength of our nation, the ceremony was scheduled for the afternoon of September 11, 2003. It was a large group, all eager to become part of this great country. Eleanora was supported by Stan and I, her two grandsons and their wives, and her three great-grandchildren. There were lots of speeches and the oath was administered and we all sang God Bless America. And Eleanora Leszczuk became a brand new US citizen.

Two months later, for the first time, she went to the polls on Election Day and voted.

It's a better memory for 9/11, don't you think?

(I'll bring the groaners back on Wednesday. Just don't seem to fit today.)

Remembering 9/11 - the Personal Side

2011-09-09T09:15:00.000-04:00

This weekend we're all going to be remembering 9/11, which is as it should be. There are so many images we've seen over and over, they're part of our collective memory. But we have our personal memories, too. I think it's fitting that we share some of those.

Everyone remembers where they were when they heard about it. I was working at the American Red Cross then. I hadn't been listening to the news that morning, had no idea what was going on when I walked into my office and was immediately pulled into a meeting. Disaster had struck and we needed to mobilize, nationally and locally. I was sitting in that meeting, half watching the large TV on the wall when I saw the second tower go down. For a moment there was silence, then we pushed on.

I remember the frantic call from my son. They were evacuating his little boy's daycare center, which was located just outside a major Air Force base. There was a fear that military installations would be targeted. My son was on the road and couldn't get there in time.

But my most intense memories came later, when I was assigned to relief operations at the ARC Respite Center, World Trade Center. We had set up in a university building, inside the perimeter around ground zero. A place where the firefighters, police and other emergency personal working the pile could step away, eat, drink, rest, talk before returning to what was probably the most horrific job they would ever do. Most of the memories I have from that time I would rather forget, but I will share this one.

We had set up a sleeping room lined with cots for those that refused to leave the site, to go home and rest. They came in, slept for an hour or two, and went back to work. On each cot, along with the bedding, was placed a small teddy bear. The Red Cross often has teddy bears at shelter sites, to comfort the frightened - usually children. I was working the kitchen that day but happen to pass by the sleeping room. The door was slightly ajar, leaving the first cot in view. The firefighter had simply stepped out of his boots and shed his helmet and coat before falling onto the cot. He was sleeping. And clutched tightly in his arm was a small teddy bear. A very small comfort in a sea of misery. I was grateful we were able to give him that.

Will you share a personal memory of 9/11?

No groaner today. Instead, a simple prayer - God Bless America.

Happy Hump Day - Caption Contest

2011-09-07T11:04:00.000-04:00

Happy Hump Day! Although for many of us, it's a short work week this week so we're getting over the hump a little sooner than usual. Still, I feel like doing something I haven't done for a while - a CAPTION CONTEST.

The rules are simple. Leave me a comment with your best caption for one or more of the pictures below (aw, come on, do all five) and your e-mail address. Deadline is Saturday at midnight. I'll throw everyone's name in a hat and draw a winner. The prize is a book of the winner's choice picked from a selection of titles I'll send to the winner.

Ready, set, caption:

Did you think of some good ones? I can't wait to read them.

Groaner of the Day: A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes.

"Oh," said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

The End of Summer

2011-09-06T01:09:00.000-04:00

Officially, summer ends on September 22. But for all practical purposes, it ended yesterday - on Labor Day. We mark the end of the season with pools closing, schools opening (if they haven't already), the final cook-out holiday of the year, and a little reflection on what we did or didn't do over the summer.

My summer was a mixed bag. On the high side, I attended my first two writers conferences. Met some great people, gathered lots of good information, and received an invitation to submit when ready from five agents/editors. My hubby and I also managed to attach a mini vacation to one of those conferences and had a wonderful time. I got to spend time with all my grandkids and had a lovely visit from out of town family.

But on the down side, we lost our wonderful old dog, Brandi, in July and my daughter-in-law's mom, a very special lady, passed away in August.

I didn't get as much accomplished as I'd hoped for. The WIP isn't done (still in re-writes), the regular lap swimming at the pool didn't quite happen, and several projects around the house are only partially completed.

But Labor Day also marks a beginning. Just like when we were kids, going off to start a new grade, notebooks full of fresh clean paper. A fresh start. A new year. To be whatever we make of it.

I'm excited.

How did your summer go? Was it everything you hoped for? Are you eager to move into the fresh start of fall?

Groaner of the Day: Anne the harpist had a date with her boyfriend Sam, who picked her up right after rehearsal. She was nervous about leaving her harp in his car while they went dancing but he told her not to worry, he was good friends with the owner of the disco and she could lock her instrument in his office.

They had a great time, and quite a bit to drink, and the next morning Anne realized she'd forgotten about her harp. She tried to retrieve it but the club was closed and she was forced to go to that day's rehearsal without it.

The conductor, of course, demanded an explanation. Anne explained, "I left my harp in Sam's friend's disco."

We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties

2011-09-05T16:26:00.000-04:00

Happy Labor Day. A day we celebrate by not working.

Someone evidently explained this to my monitor because it decided to take the day off.

Nope - worse than that. I think it's dead. *lowers head in sorrow*

I've dug out a spare, but, as I try to use it, I remember why I replaced it. A trip to the store is in order.

Please come back tomorrow for my slightly delayed Monday post. And your daily groaner, of course.

Thanks.

Query Letters - One Size Does NOT Fit All (Killer Nashville - Part 2)

2011-09-02T02:17:00.001-04:00

One of the more interesting sessions I attended at Killer Nashville was on Query Letters. The panel was made up of agents and editors from a diverse mix of agencies and publishers. I thought I had a pretty good idea of what should go into a query. I've taken classes, read articles, and followed lots of blogs on the subject, but I decided to sit in on this one and hear what they had to say.

The most important thing I learned - one size does not fit all. As quick as one member of the panel said he/she wanted this but not that, the next one said just the opposite. One wasn't interested in the word count but most of the others wanted it included. One wanted the first couple of pages of the mss included. Others said no pages until requested. Some wanted author credentials on all queries, others said credentials on non-fiction only.

There were some points that seemed universal:

No Dear Sir/Madam/Agent/etc. Know who you're sending the letter to and address it properly.
No typos or basic grammatical errors.
Start with a strong hook.
Include the title, word count (for most), genre (for most), and a very brief description.
Let your voice come through.
Don't say it's the next best seller.
Don't be "cutsie".
Don't tell more about the author than the story.
Include endorsements (marketable), if you have any.
Keep it tight, one page only.

The one other point all the panelists agreed on: Do your homework.

Research the agents/editors before you query. If an agent's web site says "Not interested in fantasy." - don't send a query on your great story about unicorns. Find and read the query guidelines and follow them.

Custom tailor your query for each person you send it to. Give yourself the best chance to be read.

Have a good weekend, everyone.

Groaner of the Day: There was once a very influential farmer in a remote part of China, who had a problem. His chickens were losing their feathers and dying. He sought the counsel of the two wisest men in town, Hing, a scientist, and Ming, a sorcerer.

Hing, who had taken a number of courses in poultry science, consulted his text books and found a report that feeding the chickens gum tree leaves was a remedy for feather loss in chickens.

Meanwhile Ming studied the obscure writings of ancient wise men and learned that gum tree leaves could provide a cure.

So the two wise men reported back to the farmer. Ming says, "As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens." Hing agrees, saying, "Studies show that infusions of gum tree leaves alleviate feather loss in chickens." The influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a single mind. He decides to follow their recommendation.

But it doesn't work.

Moral of the Story: "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming' ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."

(Oh, that is SO bad.)

Happy Hump Day

2011-08-31T00:49:00.000-04:00

Happy Wednesday. The halfway point. After today, it's an easy slide to the weekend. And here's a little something to help you over the hump.

These are all actual ads from days gone by. Just a little mindboggling. See what you think.

Mr. Rogers asks, "Can you spell sexist?" Okay, how many of you don't remember Mr. Rogers?

Did you read number four? Cocaine tooth drops for kids! Whoa.

Groaner of the day: A director is screen testing Sylvestor Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be.

Stallone says, "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart."

So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart." Then he turns to Arnie and says, "Arnie, who would you like to play?"

And Arnie says, "Ah'll be Bach!"

Killer Nashville - Part 1

2011-08-29T19:45:00.001-04:00

Ack! It's Monday evening and I'm just getting to the post that was supposed to go up this morning. I'm blaming my dad, who popped in for an overnight visit yesterday. Yeah, that's it - I was distracted. (Hi, Dad.)

There was so much good stuff going on at Killer Nashville, I don't want to tell about it in a rushed post so I'm going to save it until Friday (remember, Wednesday is reserved for Happy Hump Day funnies).

But I can share this... It happened in the parking garage. Right in our hotel! At a mystery writers' conference! What a coincidence!

WARNING. THE PICTURES BELOW MAY BE TOO GRAPHIC FOR THE SQUEEMISH.

MURDER at Killer Nashville!

And we were all called in to help solve the case. We surveyed the crime scene, read the statements, examined the evidence, decided what items should be collected and what tests should be run. And came up with our own theories as to what happened.

Here's fellow author Kay C. Burns (hi, Cindy). Is that brain matter? Our vic was shot in the head.

What do you make of the splatter pattern? The drag marks? The partial shoe prints? Do you want to hear about the ski mask and the tire iron and the cell phone we found at the scene?

Well, how did you spend your weekend?

Groaner of the Day: He was a mediocre conductor of a mediocre orchestra. He especially had problems with the basses; who were known to have a drink or two before a concert.

It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven's 9th Symphony, which had an important bass part near the end. Just as he was about to cue the basses, the conductor knocked over his music stand. The sheet music scattered. As he stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was realized...

it was the bottom of the 9th, no score, and the basses were loaded.

Live from Killer Nashville

2011-08-26T08:35:00.000-04:00

Is my face red? No, I'm not embarrassed, I drove to Nashville yesterday with the top down and didn't realize how much sun I was getting. So people here may remember me as LD Masterson, as Linda Leszczuk, or as Linda the Lobster. (Ouch)

We had a fun mixer last evening playing mystery trivia. Our team came in last but I loved our consolation prize - a box of band-aids that look like crime scene tape. Then I went out for a bite to eat with some new friends.

Registration is this morning so I'll have more to tell you about the conference on Monday. I'll try to get caught up on comments on your blogs then, too. Have a great weekend.

And just to hold you over, here's your...

Groaner of the Day: A man is out walking on a warm day along the edge of a remote pond. He is on the bank enjoying the view when he suddenly loses his footing and falls into the pond. The water is not deep but he does have to struggle to make it safely back to shore. He climbs out, dripping wet, and notices that his wallet is not in his pocket.

As he ponders the pond, wondering whether he should jump back in and search for his wallet, lo, what wonders appear! As he is looking at the surface of the water, he sees a school of large carp chasing something around.

One carp emerges at water surface and what does he have in its mouth but the guy's wallet! Suddenly another carp appears at the surface and the first carp flips the wallet to the second carp who catches it in his mouth. Then a third fish appears and on and on it goes.

After watching amazed for several hours, he decided to report this strange behaviour to the experts, but they told him it was a well known phenomenon - it is known as carp-to-carp walleting

Happy Hump Day

2011-08-24T00:18:00.000-04:00

Have you ever noticed that a lot of bloggers like to celebrate the end of the week with a Fun Friday post? I'm one of them. I usually use Friday to share silly pictures or funnies of some sort.

But last week it occurred to me, we don't really need funnies on Friday. Friday is fun all by itself. TGIF and all that. When we really need a laugh is Wednesday. Hump day. That day you have to get through to be on the downhill slope to the weekend.

So I'm making a change. No more Fun Fridays. From now on, I'm doing Happy Hump Days.

To kick things off I'm sharing some signs that made me laugh. I hope they do the same for you.

I really love the last one.

If they gave you a chuckle, leave me a comment. I get really lonesome if no one comments.

I'll be posting on Friday from the Killer Nashville mystery writers' conference. I'm all excited. That reminds me, did I tell you we saw the Pointer Sisters in Vegas last month. They still put on a heck of a show.

Groaner of the Day: Conversation between two friends

Hey, Joe. How's your new pet fish doing? I heard he was really something special.

To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.

You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?

Well, yeah. He's a parrot fish.

I hate to tell you this, but while you might be able to teach a parrot bird to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.

That's what you think. He sings all the time. The thing is, he sings off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?

Finding the Balance

2011-08-22T00:52:00.000-04:00

I'm a note taker. Workshops, panels, classes, blogs - I try to gather all the bits of useful information I can. And hopefully, I compile all the bits and pieces into something I can use to become a better writer.

Sounds good, right?

Then I find myself with something like this:

Item 1: Think of your setting like another character, paint a picture, let your reader see, hear, smell, touch, etc. the setting. Take the reader there.

Item 2: Don't bog the story down with too much description. Every bit of description must move the story forward.

Hmmm.

Both of these came from workshops I've attended. And both make sense. One of the things I love about Nevada Barr's Anna Pidgeon series is the way Barr brings to life the National Parks which are the settings for this series. But have I read stories where I started skimming over long stretches of description? Yup. I bet you have, too.

The key is finding the balance. The icy drafts, flickering candles, and musty smell in the old mansion are mood setters; the silver and china on the dining room table, not so much. Unless...one of the silver pieces bears a striking resemblance to the one that was stolen from Great Aunt Matilda at the time of her murder. Now you're using setting to slip in a clue.

Bottom line - use setting description to draw your readers into the story, to set the mood, to let them feel they are moving through the story with your characters, and to move the story forward. But beware of description for description's sake. No matter how lovely your portrait of the fluffy clouds or beautiful tapestries, if it doesn't serve the story, out it goes.

As readers and/or writers which do you prefer, more detailed setting descriptions or a simple stage where you can use your imagination to fill in the empty spaces?

Groaner of the Day: Sir Edgbert, Knight of the Realm, was hurrying home on a cold, wet night when suddenly his horse fell down and died. All Sir Edgbert could do was collect his belongings and tramp onwards.

After staggering for a spell, he realizes he will never reach his castle on foot so he heads for the nearest building which, as luck would have it, is a small farm. He strides up to the door, bangs on it and shouts "A horse! I must have a horse!".

The door opens to reveal a young girl. She looks at Sir Edgbert and says, "Your pardon, good knight, but my father and brothers are returning from the village on the other side of the forest and will not be back before noon tomorrow. They are riding all our horses."

"But I must return home immediately," Sir Edgbert tells her. "Have you any idea where I may secure alternative transportation?"

The young girl says, "I know of no other horses hereabouts, but sometimes my brothers ride our Great Dane when the need arises. Would that help?"

Sir Edgbert is desperate and says, "If I must, I must. Show me the animal."

The young girl leads the way around to the back of the farmhouse to a stable. She dissapears inside and returns leading an enormous dog which is truly large enough for riding. Unfortunately, the dog is also very old. Its coat is patchy, its legs bowed, and it seems to be having trouble breathing.

Sir Edgbert stares at the animal then turns to the girl and says, "Surely, you wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this?"

Lighten Up on Flawed Logic?

2011-08-19T01:13:00.000-04:00

My monthly book club met tonight. The book we were discussing was a thriller with an element of time travel. It was a good book; we all enjoyed it. But I happened to mention a couple logic flaws in the story and I was told that, because it was sci fi or paranormal or whatever, rules of logic didn't apply.

I have a problem with that. I've always believed that when an author creates any kind of alternate reality, he/she sets the rules for that reality and then has to write the story to fit inside those rules. This author didn't. He violated his own rules several times for plot convenience, with no explanation.

I explained that to the group and was told basically to lighten up. So there were a few holes in his logic. What difference did it make? It was still an exciting story.

What difference did it make? Well, it made a difference to me because a couple hours before the meeting I'd been pounding my head against my desk (ouch!) over a logic issue I'd found in my WIP.  I'd inadvertenlty given my protag an easy source for some information in chapter one that she's not suppose to find until chapter three.   It took me quite a while to come up with a feasible solution and it's going to take re-writing several scenes to fix it. But why go to the trouble when all these regular mystery readers don't care. When they all shrugged and asked what difference did it make?

What difference does it make? As a reader or as a writer, do you think having a few mistakes in logic is okay as long as the story is exciting and fun to read? How many is too many?  Please weigh in on this one. I'm really interested.

Favor for a Friend:
Many of you know my buddy, Maria Zannini, is in the running for a  Book Cover Award for The Devil to Pay. Maria designed the cover herself and it's great. If you haven't already done so, please take a minute to hop over to this site and give her your vote. (The voting is on the upper right side of the page.) I'd really appreciate it.

Personal Note:
I just need to say a couple words here. Later today I'm going to the memorial service for my daughter in law's mom, Linda Cover. Linda was a woman of extraordinary courage who faced adversity with style and grace. She was the kind of person the world needs more of and she will be sorely missed.

It seems almost inappropreate to follow that with my usual groaner, but so many of you said you enjoyed Wednesday's and Linda was also a person of laughter so I don't think she'll mind.

Groaner of the Day:
Once upon a time there were two canaries in a cage, one male and one female.

After a few days together, the male decided to meet the female. He scooted over to her side of the cage and said, "Since we're in this together, why don't I move over to your side of the cage!"

The female canary replied, "No, thank you."

The male went back to his side of the cage but after a while decided to try again. He hopped over to her side of the cage and said, "I am sorry I was so forward before. Why don't we get to know each other first."

To which she replied again, "No, thank you."

Feeling very shot down, he languished about for a bit then made one final effort. "Well, could we at least talk?"

This time she replied, "I'm sorry if I seem mean. But I just learned I have a canarial disease called, "Chirpies" and I'm afraid it's untweetable."

(forgive me)

Welcome to my Brand New Blog

2011-08-17T03:51:00.001-04:00

You made it!

That is, I'm guessing the only visitors I get today will be friends who have followed me over from my Linda Leszczuk blog. Thanks for finding me.

I've learned a lot about moving from one blog to another in the last couple days. Most of it the hard way. Did you know you can export all your posts from one blog and import them into another? Yup - they come right over. Unfortunately, your template, graphics, formatting, and anything in your sidebars or widgets will not make the trip.

You can bring along all the blogs you follow by uploading them to Google Reader and doing the export/import thing from there, which made me very happy because I didn't want to lose any of you.

But as you can tell from my almost empty Followers list (thank you, Maria!), I'm starting over at square one. Please add your smiling face so I won't feel too lonely.

This blog is definitely a work in progress so please offer your comments and suggestions. I won't mind a bit if you point out typos or glitches. And please say hi, just so I know you were here.

One other thing, when you see my smiling face attached to a comment on your blog, please remember that it's me. Leszczuk or Masterson, I'm still me.

And to prove it, here's your...

Groaner of the Day: A man walks into a doctor's office and asks the doctor to inspect his leg. The man says, "Here, put your ear to my knee."

The doctor puts his ear to the man's knee and hears very faintly, "Come on, can I have five bucks, just five bucks?"

The doctor steps back in surprise and the man says, "I know, but it gets worse. Put your ear to my shin."

The doctor puts his ear to the man's shin and hears very faintly, "Come on, can I have ten bucks, just ten bucks?"

Once again, the doctor stands up, very perplexed. The man then says, "If that surprises you, put your ear to my ankle."

The doctor puts his ear to the man's ankle and hears oh so faintly, "Come on, can I have twenty bucks, just twenty bucks?"

The doctor then stands up and says, "Well, I can I make just one conclusion. Your leg is broke in three places."

Who Am I? (I Need Your Help) - Part 1

2011-08-15T00:10:00.000-04:00

As I mentioned in last Monday's post, I had a great time a few weeks ago at the Public Safety Writers' Association conference. I even had an opportunity to speak with two publishers (honest, real live publishers). They both had some very encouraging things to say about my WIP but both also offered the same piece of advice: don't publish under the name Linda Leszczuk. Leszczuk is just too difficult to spell, pronounce, remember, etc.

Okay. This isn't really a new thought. When I first started this blog, I slipped in a subheader "aka LD Masterson". Registered both domain names for my web site, as well. But during the past year I've rather let the LD Masterson fall into the background and most everyone knows me as Linda Leszczuk. So I've got some re-branding to do.

You'll notice I've already reversed the names on the header and changed my web site link. I've made all the necessary changes to my web site and set up a new e-mail, Lin@LDMasterson.com. Now comes the tricky part. I'm going to change my blog URL and my Google account name to LD Masterson. I have no idea what that will do to my Followers (Google promises to redirect everyone to the new address but...) and I DO NOT want to lose anyone. Or should that be, I do not want anyone to lose me?

So here's that "help" part. When you see this post, please leave me a comment and let me know you've seen it. Then on Wednesday, please look for me again. If I'm not in the usual place, please hunt for me at ldmasterson.blogspot.com. (I can't make this a link because it's not a valid address yet.) Then leave me a comment again and let me know how you found me.

I really appreciate everyone's help on this. The idea of starting over at square one is just too disheartening. I'm also making a list of all the blogs I follow in case they don't make it to my new blog site. I don't want to lose you either.

Once the new blog connections are in place, I'll be attacking my Facebook page.

In case you're wondering, Masterson is my maiden name. The "Leszczuk" came along with my husband when I got married. What can I say? I was in love.

Groaner of the Day: It turns out that the "Old King Cole" of nursery rhyme fame is loosely based on a 14th century ruler.

The slightly mad monarch is best known for his decree that the entire fiefdom's crop of lettuce be diced and drenched in mayonnaise.

He called it, of course, Cole's Law.

Signs of the Times?

2011-08-12T12:05:00.000-04:00

Well, this is not an impressive start. First week back and I'm late with my Friday post. As usual, I'm going with Friday silly stuff but I will give you a preview of coming attractions. Based on conversations I had with a couple publishers at the PSWA conference (real live publishers - honest), I've got a major change in the works. I'm going to tell you all about it on Monday. Please stop back then.

For today - just some signs seen around the office. Enjoy.

You gotta love that last one. Anything free.

Have a great weekend. See you Monday.

I'm Currently Enjoying: The Help by Katheryn Stockett...which I started while following the kids from roller coaster to roller coaster (see Wednesday's post) and finished at 4:30 this morning, which is why this post is late. This is a really excellent book.

Groaner of the Day: There was a Russian man named Rudolph, a high ranking member of the KGB. One evening Rudolph and his wife were walking along and it began to snow.

"My, look at the lovely snow," said his wife.

"No, that is not snow, that is rain." replied Rudolph.

"No, this is snow," she said.

"Look, there is a palace guard, we will ask him." Rudolph went to the palace guard and asked, "Is it raining or snowing?"

The guard was no dummy. "What do YOU think it is doing?"

Rudolph replied, "Raining."

The guard said, "Yes, Comrade, I was going to say raining, also."

So Rudolph and his wife went walking off. The guard could just barely hear the KGB official say:
"Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear."

(I'm sorry. I just can't help myself.)

Not If My Life Depended On It

2011-08-10T01:14:00.000-04:00

Pubic school here starts next Monday. This feels very early to me but then, I'm old. When I was in school we never started before Labor Day. Of course, we also rode dinosuars to school so I guess things change.

What doesn't seem to have changed is that end of summer vacation panic when you realize there's less than a week to do all the things with the kids - or in my case, grandkids - that you promised them back in June. This is why I'm spending today trailing behind my grandson and his friend all over our local mega-amusement park. Roller coaster heaven.

I'm not really into roller coasters. I don't see the point of standing in line for three hours for a three minute ride that will make me throw up. I mean, if I want to be scared to death, I can open a newspaper and read the latest from Washington. Or as a writer, the latest news about bookstore closings. Really, why would I want to be scared?

But wait...I read mysteries. And thrillers. Stories designed to put my hair on end and tie my stomach in knots. The scarier the better. So what does that make me? An armchair roller coaster rider?

What about you? Do you like being scared? Do you prefer screaming your head off on a fast moving ride or the delicious creepy terror of a really good book?

Guess what I'll be doing today while the boys are standing in those three hour lines waiting for a three minute scream? Yup. I'll be on a nearby bench...with a really good book.

I'm Currently Enjoying: The Bogey Man by Marja McGraw

Groaner of the Day: A man goes into a bar and orders a beer. He takes a sip of the beer and a small voice says "Nice Tie."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. A little puzzled he takes another sip. This time the voice says, "Nice shirt, too".

Now the man calls the bartender back and complains that everytime he takes a sip of beer he hears a small voice.

The bartender says, "Oh, never mind that. That's just the peanuts, they're complimentary."

Alas, Poor Yorick...

2011-08-08T10:42:00.000-04:00

I'm baaaaack. Did you miss me? (Someone please lie and say yes.)

I have so much I'd like to share it's hard to know where to begin. First, a news flash:

I've finished my first draft on my WIP and started re-writes and edits. Okay, it's nowhere near finished - lots of additions and changes to do - but I did get to type those beautiful words: The End. Can I get a Woo Woo?

Next, I'd like to back up a bit and say a few words about the Public Safety Writers Association conference I attended last month. It was great. In addition to some excellent sessions on writing, we learned about fires, forensics, police psychology, going undercover, and "How TV and Movies Get It Wrong." Love NCIS? Sorry, in reality there is no Ducky or Abby - NCIS doesn't have it's own morgue or lab. (I was crushed.)

I'm going to devote a few posts later to sharing some of what I learned there but for now, I'd like to introduce a new friend.

In one of our sessions we got to examine this skull which was found thirty years ago in the desert. What can we learn from a well-dried skull? You'd be surprised. This one had three bullet holes in it. I guessed it was probably a homicide. (I'm so bright.)

I'm also starting blog-following again but I've got a lot of catching up to do so please forgive me if I don't do any commenting for a bit.

I've missed you all. It's good to be back.

I'm currently enjoying: Just finished The Ballad of Johnny Madigan by John A. Bray

Groaner of the Day: A young man had been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for several years.

One day the supermarket got new orange juice machines.

The bag boy was excited and asked the manager if he could work the juice machines.

The manager turned him down.

The bag boy said, "But I've been working here for five years. Why can't I run the juice machines?"

The manager said, "I'm sorry, but baggers can't be juicers."

(Now see how you've missed me.)

Hard News

2011-07-11T12:38:00.000-04:00

When I took a blog-break at the beginning of June, I expected to be back for the first of July. As July approached, though I was nowhere near caught up with other things, I still intended to post on July 1. Then life took a sad turn.

Those of you who have been with me a while followed my dear Brandi through our attempts to save her ulcerated eye. We saved the eye, although she lost much of the vision in it. On Wednesday, June 29, her other eye ulcerated suddenly. By Thursday she was totally and permanently blind. Our options were to remove her eyes, which were causing her significant pain, or have her put to sleep.

Even though she also suffered from arthritis and partial hearing loss, we weren't ready to accept the second option, so we scheduled the surgery for Tuesday - after the holiday weekend. By Saturday we knew we'd made a mistake. Watching our dear old girl stumbling around in the dark told us what we didn't want to know. It was time.

Sadly, she still had to wait until the vet's office re-opened on Tuesday, so we spent her last three days trying to make her comfortable and saying goodbye. She left us Tuesday morning. The empty place she left in our lives cannot be measured.

I'm attending the PSWA conference later this week, followed by hosting out of town guests, so I probably won't get back to regular blogging/blog following until the end of July. Just wanted you to know I'm still here.

Have a kind thought for our Brandi. She's gone to join Chance at the Rainbow Bridge.

I Really Hate to Do This

2011-06-03T13:52:00.000-04:00

I started this blog last spring. I really had no idea what I was doing (as I admitted in my first post). I was polishing an almost finished manuscript and I was five months from retirement - ready to dive full time into my lifelong dream of being a published author. And I was starting to discover the wealth of resources available to writers online. One of the first things I learned was unpublished hopefuls need an online presence, so I created a website and started this blog.

It's been fun. I've met some great people, found (and keep finding) great blogs to follow, joined a few excellent e-mail groups, taken some really good workshops, and learned a lot about my craft. I still may not know exactly what I'm doing but I've been having a good time with it and I've picked up a small but lovely group of Followers (bless each and every one of you).

In the meantime, I made the discovery that my finished manuscript was way too big and attempts to trim it down to size just weren't working. So I disassembled it into two separate stories and started over.

Now I'm almost six months into retirement. That new first draft that was about 30% complete in February is still about 30% complete. A couple family issues have been added into the mix and my writing is at a standstill. Time for drastic action.

I've seen the word "blogcation" and the phrase "going dark". I don't know if either fits but I'm basically saying good-bye for at least the month of June. I'll try to put a blurb on FB every so often so you'll know I'm still around. Please don't forget me or "unfollow" me before I get back.

See you later.

Memorial Day

2011-05-30T00:09:00.000-04:00

You may have seen this quote before.

"A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to 'The United States of America' for an amount of 'up to and including my life'."

On Memorial Day we honor those who paid that check in full.

Our local Boy Scout Troops place flags at the Veterans' Cemetary.

The graves of those who died for us.

While you're enjoying your holiday weekend, having a cook out or maybe heading for the pool, take a moment and give thanks.

After the Storm

2011-05-26T23:31:00.000-04:00

It's been a crazy weather week here in southwest Ohio, as it has for much of the country. Thunderstorms, high winds, baseball size hail, and almost nightly tornado warnings (with luckily, only a few minor touchdowns). And rain. Lots and lots of rain. But this evening, after the last storm had rolled through, we had this...

If you look closely, you can see a second fainter rainbow to the right of the brighter one. At this point the rainbow only extended from the top of the trees up to where it fades out in the picture above.

As I watched it, the top arc formed (picture above) and began to descend on the left side (below).

Then offered this beautiful finale.

Have a wonderful weekend.

I'm Currently Enjoying: Suspense and Sensibility by Carrie Bebris

Groaner of the Day: The carnival was in town at Nottingham, so Robin Hood told the boys they could go in and have some fun.

There were lots of games and at one booth, you could win a prize by hitting a ten cent silver coin with a lance thrown from twenty paces.

As Friar Tuck was passing the booth, the guy running the game called out to him: "Hey,Brother, can you spear a dime?"

What's That Number Again?

2011-05-25T09:11:00.000-04:00

Just a quick post this morning. Got to get out and plant some flowers before it starts raining again.

I had one of those moments this morning. It's my beloved spouse's birthday so I got up early to make him a special breakfast. Now, I know how old he is today. And I know there's a four year difference between his age and mine. But this morning the numbers didn't work. Somehow we were five years apart. It seems when I had my birthday earlier this month, I'd managed not to click the magic clicker in my head. The birthday had come and gone but my age had stayed the same. What a shock this morning to realize I was a year older.

Do you ever forget how old you are? For just a second? You start to say, "Oh, she's about my age," and realize you haven't been that age for a long time. You see an unexpected reflection of yourself and wonder who that old woman is. Is the age you are on the inside getting further and futher from the stupid number on your driver's license?

I don't care. I've had a coffee mug for years (given to me by my co-workers) that reads: "I may be getting older but I refuse to grow up." Works for me. How about you?

Off to my planting.

Happy Birthday, honey.

I'm Currently Enjoying: Suspense and Sensibility by Carrie Bebris

Groaner of the Day: This woman ordered an exotic snake through a mail order operation. When the package arrived, there were only feathery necklaces in the box.

Apparently, the boa cons tricked her.