Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Borderline Naughty?

It's Wednesday.  Happy Hump Day.

Last week's pictures were all kind of over-the-top sweet so this week I'm balancing the scales.  Nothing that requires a "Mature Audience" warning, but maybe more chuckles than "Aw"s. 

First a joke:

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained, "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude was never invited back.

Now a question for the ages:
(Or is that for the aged?)

A Conversation in Heaven

  Hi, Wanda.
Well, hi there, Sylvia.  I didn't know you were here already.  How'd you die?
I froze to death.
How horrible!
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

So, what happened?

I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, dear...we'd both still be alive.

Okay, you get at least one "Aw":

I'm ready for my walk now.

And a thought for the day for all my writer friends:

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Okay, do you feel fortified? Can you make it over the mid-week hump and onto the downhill slope toward the weekend? Good. Then my job here is done.
(Please don't forget to say hi while you're here.)
Groaner of the Day:  What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.


Jemi Fraser said...

Teehee! Love the freezer one! And of course the puppy :)

Cate Masters said...

Ha, the husband might not have survived. That puppy is adorable.

Maria Zannini said...

Good ones. Loved the hypnotist story.

The puppy picture reminds me of Iko--except he goes berserk when he sees his leash. If he could, he'd put it on himself.

Clarissa Draper said...

These are so funny! Love love your feature.

LD Masterson said...

Jemi - Yeah, that one cracked me up.

LD Masterson said...

Cate - Well, we could have ended up with all three of them in heaven but that would have been a much longer conversation. *grin*

LD Masterson said...

Maria - Sophie has got the leash thing figured out. She gets so excited at the sight of it I have trouble getting her to hold still while I get it hooked.

LD Masterson said...

Clarissa - Glad to have helped you over the hump.

Liz Fichera said...

I want that little doggie! So cute...

LD Masterson said...

Sorry Liz, I only have the picture. You're going to have to find the doggie on your own.

Stacy McKitrick said...

Thanks for the laughs today!
Oh, and HI!

LD Masterson said...

Hi Stacy, and you're welcome.

Sarah Ahiers said...

HAH!! I really enjoyed the groaner today

LD Masterson said...

Sarah - I almost didn't add a groaner today because I already had the other jokes. Now I'm glad I did.

Maryann Miller said...

Glad you decided to add the groaner. Always love those. The other jokes were fun, too. I shared links to this for folks who might appreciate a little chuckle in the middle of a hectic day.

LD Masterson said...

Thanks, Maryann. The more the merrier.

Maryann Miller said...

Just saw that The Humor Daily picked up the link from my Tweet. You made the big time. LOL

Karin said...

Ok--I did not see that one coming!
Still laughing.

The groaner reminds me of the one with the punch line: Rudolph, the red, knows rain, dear.

You made my day. Thanks!


LD Masterson said...

Karin - I remember the other groaner you're talking about.

I love putting the Wednesday - Hump Day post together. So much fun to get people laughing.

LD Masterson said...

Maryann - WOW. Thanks for putting me out there.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

That first joke is bad! Or should I say messy?

LD Masterson said...

Alex - Probably a little of both.

Angela Brown said...

LD, you have the best jokes and today's groaner earned a double-drum-tap.

I'm still rolling behind Sylvia and Wanda lol!!!

LD Masterson said...

Thanks, Angela. Glad you liked them.

Jessica R. Patch said...

Ha! The freezer joke cracked me up! Thanks for the chuckles this morning. :)

LD Masterson said...

My pleasure, Jessica.