Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Can I Get a Favor?

My apologies to my blog friends, but I have no funnies for you. I didn't get a post prepared in advance and I can't do one today. Instead, I'd like to ask for a favor. For my friends of faith, would you offer prayers for my daughter-in-law Kim? She's in the hospital and hasn't been able to keep any kind of food, even clear liquids, down for the past ten days. Her doctors have ruled out a bunch of possible causes but still don't have a diagnosis, so they're not sure how to treat this. I think we need to bring in the big guns -  more prayers.

I should mention that Kim is the mom of my grandson Drake who is graduating next week and leaving for Marine boot camp the week after. It's never a good time to be hospitalized but the timing on this one really stinks.  To put a face to the name, here's Kim with her husband Matt and Drake before prom.


 Again, I'm sorry not to have any hump day funnies for you today. I wish everyone a great week and a wonderful weekend.

Thank you.



Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Rings and Things and Hump Day Funnies

Happy Hump Day

As a followup to last week's post, I'm sorry to tell you that I did not find my engagement ring and I'm resigning myself to the idea that it's gone for good. On a more upbeat note, I have managed to hang onto the guy who gave me that ring and we're celebrating our 48th anniversary today. 


Happy Anniversary, honey.


I'm also delight to reveal this cover for DAY OF THE DARK.


Twenty-four stories by some wonderful authors, 
coming July 21 from Wildside Press.
(Yes, including one of mine.)


Now on to your hump day funnies.
Let's start with a joke.

It was New Year's Eve and my husband and I were doing the town. We turned on a night light, covered the parakeet's cage, and put the cat in the backyard. To avoid any DUI problems, we called a taxi, but when the taxi arrived and we opened the door, the cat scooted back inside.

This is a problem because if we leave the cat in the house, she goes after the bird. I went out to the cab while my husband went inside to get the cat. I'm always nervous about letting people know our house is going to be empty so I told the cabbie, "My husband will be right out. He's just gone upstairs to say goodnight to my mother.”

A few minutes later, my husband climbed into the cab. ”Sorry I took so long,” he said, as we drove away. “She was hiding under our bed again. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the scruff of the neck but I still had to wrap a blanket around her to keep her from scratching me. I tell you, she can be a real hell-cat sometimes. But I managed to haul her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!”

The cab driver hit a parked car.



I know. That was awful. 
But it made me laugh. What can I say?

Saw an interesting ad the other day...


Um...huh?

Here's a quickie.

A little boy asked his grandmother, "Nana, how old are you?"
"Thirty-nine and holding," she replied.
He thought for a minute then asked, How old would you be if you let go?"


How about a couple thoughts to ponder this week?

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
 
 
Okay, time for your "aw". 

I've seen this one a couple places so you may have seen it before
but my heart always breaks for this poor guy.
look at those eyes.


I sure hope they didn't make him
 wait too long for that hot dog. 


That's all for today. Did we get you there? Over the hump and on the fast slope to the weekend? I hope so. Did you have a favorite?

To all the moms here in the U.S., have a very Happy Mother's Day. And to all moms, step-moms, grandmoms, great-grandmoms, and everyone who has ever been in the role of mom, even for a little while, have a wonderful Mother's Day weekend. You've earned it.
 
 
Thought for the Day:
 
Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, "No way. That can't be right."


Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Hump Day Funnies from the London Tube

Happy Hump Day


Actually, it's not a happy day for me. I discovered yesterday that the engagement ring I've been wearing for the past 49 years (alongside my wedding band for 48) has disappeared. I've spent the last twenty-four hours unsuccessfully searching for it, hence this late and rather limited post. But I didn't want to neglect you so I'm offering these...Funnies from the London Tube.

These came to me with the claim that all were actually said by London train drivers to their passengers. If they are, they're fabulous. If not, they're still worth a chuckle. Try to hear the appropriate voice (accent) as you read them.


"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad  news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."


"We are now traveling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

"Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided." 

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."


By the way, I'm claiming the right to share jokes about our British friends the same way I do for little old lady jokes. My Dad immigrated to the States with his parents from England and I still have family across the pond.   

Jumping straight to your "aw".
This one needs no words



 You know you said it.


That's it for today. Was it enough? Are you over the mid-week hump? I hope so. Wouldn't want to leave you stuck there.

I have to go back to my search now. Wish me luck.See you next week.

Thought for Today:

It's not the value of an item but the memories tied to it that matter. 
 

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Release day for Busted! and Your Quiz Answers


Happy Hump Day

I know you're waiting for the answers to last week's quiz but before we get to that I have to mention that yesterday was RELEASE DAY.



Busted! Arresting Stories from the Beat is now available in print or ebook.  
This anthology of crime fiction contains 31 great stories, including my "Annie Get Your Goat".

Here's a tiny excerpt:

“McCullough!” Duke’s voice exploded in the quiet of the hospital. “That bastard stole my goat.”

Now he rounded on me.

“You. You’re one of Sheriff Block’s, right? Why are you just standing around here? That son of a bitch Chet McCullough stole my Gertrude.”

I pulled myself up to my full five foot two and tried to look official, if not formidable. “Deputy Anna Lopez, Mr. Stamper. I was questioning Mr. Tate when you arrived. Trying to find out what happened.”

“I just told you what happened. Chet McCullough attacked Sean so he could steal Gertrude. Oh God…unless he killed her. I wouldn’t put it past the son of a bitch.” He did a quick pivot toward the door then turned back to me. “I’m going home to search for Gertrude. You tell Sheriff Block I want him at my place. Himself. Not some little…deputy.”

I was lucky that Duke stormed out of the room before I could answer. My quick tongue has gotten me into trouble before.



Okay, now what you've all been waiting for...quiz answers!

No one got them all but most of you got a few. You were great on punctuation marks and things worn on the feet that begin with S.  

Here are the answers I received with the quiz.


1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing.

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward: Niagara Falls ... The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

6. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S': Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts. 


I did a major head slap over number 8. How about you?
Did any surprise you?

Okay, you can rest your brains.
Here's today's funny.

A married couple was working opposite shifts - her days, him nights - so their only time together was on the weekend. But living in a small apartment with a curious eight year old didn't leave them with a lot of opportunity for...um, private time. The only way they could manage a Sunday afternoon "quickie" was to send the boy out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his running commentary as his parents put their plan into action.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.  
"And an ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company."
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving."
"Jason's riding his skate board in the street again."

And then, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, Mom and Dad shot up in bed.  Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
 
 

Never underestimate an eight year old.


I had a problem with this week's "aw".
I couldn't decide between these two.
Will you help me out? 

This one got me because of how these friends were making it work, 
even if they were close to the same size. 


You have to appreciate that kind of devotion.


This one was all about expressions.
Look at those eyes.


So, what do you think...
was there an "aw" in there somewhere?
Which one worked for you? 


I've had some personal "aw"s going on the last week. My two oldest grandchildren are graduating from high school next month, so we're going through a lot of "last time"s.  My grandson's senior prom was Friday and I attended my granddaughter's final orchestra concert last night. The next month is going to hold a lot of those. When I went through the empty nest thing with my own kids, I had no idea it's even harder with the grandkids.


But I think it will be a little easier if I share a few pictures as we go.

My granddaughter, the cellist. 

 She's really quite good.
I'll miss listening to her play.



Last prom

The tall one is mine and, no, that's not his date. 
These two have been best friends since they were little. 
When they graduate, their lives will be taking very different paths.

And just so I don't disappoint the romantics out there.


My grandson and his date. 
Hmm. That's almost worth an "aw".


Okay. I do feel a little better. Thanks for letting me share. 

How about you?  Are you over the hump?  I didn't have a lot of funnies for you this week. Double-dose next time. I promise. 

Thought for Today:

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.