Caption Contest

Wednesday: Happy Hump Day!

I am so glad it's Wednesday.  Last Friday's post was troubling and Monday's was somber (befitting the occasion).  But today it's time for some fun.  And to celebrate, we're having a...

Hump Day Caption Contest

I haven't done one of these for awhile so let's go over the rules.  Below are five funny pictures.  Give me your best caption for one or more of them.  For each caption you leave in your comment, I'll add your name to the drawing: five captions = five chances to win.   

The winner gets a free book selected from a list (assorted genres) I will e-mail to him/her after the drawing. U.S. and Canadian entries only, please. I can't afford the postage for my friends across the pond (any of the ponds). And make sure to leave your e-mail address.

Ready?  Let see those captions.

1.

2. 

3. 

(Please ignor the caption already on this on. I know you can do better.)

4. 

5. 

Lord, that last one cracks me up.

Okay, did you come up with some good ones?  I love to do this because your captions are the best part of the post.  Hope you enjoy it, too.

You have until midnight on Saturday, June 2, to enter your comments.

Groaner of the Day:  One day, a man decided to learn some new sports. He spent time finding out what was available and after a few months, he called some of his friends to watch him try out some of his ideas.

They all followed him up to the top of a local cliff. Not a big cliff, but still they were puzzled about why he had taken them there.

"Let me show you," he said, and produced from a cage a small yellow bird. He held the bird by the feet, and proceeded to jump off the cliff. 

His friends were obviously worried, but he was fine, albeit slightly bruised, and returned to the top of the cliff.

"Well, " he said, after a pause, "I don't think much of this budgie-jumping."

So, then he revealed that he had also brought a chicken with him. His friends were forced to watch an almost identical sequence of events all over again.

Once again, he hit the sand at the bottom of the cliff, trudged back to the top, and said to his by now growing audience, "Hen-gliding doesn't seem to work for me either."

Finally, he tried once more. This time, it was a parrot. Again, he leapt off the cliff holding the unfortunate bird by the feet. This time though, as he jumped, he pulled out a hand gun, and shot the bird as he fell.

The end results were pretty much the same, though, and he arrived at the top of the cliff with yet more bruises.

The crowd waited to hear what he would say this time.

He paused, scratched his head, and opened his mouth.

The crowd hushed....

Finally, he said: "And that's the last time I try parrot-shooting too."

(Hey, what are complaining about?  That was three groans for the price of one.)

Thank You

Monday: Mystery, Murder, and Manuscripts

...and Memorial Day

Okay, it's Monday and Mondays are reserved for...well, you know.  But it's a holiday.  A rather important holiday. So I'm making an exception and sharing the following.

 

I went to church Sunday morning, as I usually do.  At the end of the service, our Pastor directed the congregation outside where he led us in a short Memorial Day ceremony.  It wasn't a big production.  A small color guard of Scouts lowered the flag to half-staff accompanied by the playing of Taps, and we all sang America the Beautiful. 

 
 
 

But reflect a moment.

The freedom to worship in the church of our choosing.

 The freedom to stand in the sunshine and honor our flag. 

The freedom to sing songs of praise for our country and afterward to leave there and go wherever we wanted.  

Freedom isn't free. 

Someone picked up the tab.  

For us.

We need to remember.

We need to say thank you.

 
 

"A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to 'The United States of America' for an amount of 'up to and including my life'."

 

 

Thank you.

 

 

Groaner of the Day: A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3:00 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop.

Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"

The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, and tossed it out of his way. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle, and was once again tossed overboard.

The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns.

When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.

"What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.

"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"

Unanswered Questions

I normally try to keep my posts lighthearted but I hope you'll forgive me if I'm in a darker place today.

I had planned to do a post on the end of the school year and the happy memories it brings.  Two of my grandchildren finished their year yesterday, the other two have a couple weeks left.  A very exciting time for kids, full of plans for the summer.

Expect for Paul, a thirteen year old eighth grader at my grandson's school, who came home on Tuesday, took a gun and ended his life.

 I don't have all the facts surrounding Paul's death.  I don't know if anyone does.  My grandson tells me the stories going around school all say that Paul was being bullied.  Police and school officials say that is not the case.  The media seemed disinclined to get involved until a group of parents - who may or may not have any real facts - staged an anti-bullying protest in front of the school today.  Even then, only one local TV channel reported the event. 

A number of student-generated Facebook pages have sprung up, mourning Paul and denouncing bullies and bullying. There was also a site asking all students to wear a white shirt on the last day of school to protest bullying and in memory of Paul, which my grandson says many did.  Of course, the comments on these sites now include statements from other students saying they have been bullied and at least one parent talking about her child being bullied.

The school is talking about their no-bullying policy.  Teachers receive special training in that area and the students attend anti-bullying programs.  Victims are encouraged to come forward, bullies are punished.  Or are they? How do you measure the effectiveness of an anti-bullying policy?   

As far as I know, Paul's parents have not spoken publicly on the subject. 

My heart breaks for Paul's family and for the loss of this young life, but my mind is looking for answers.  Was Paul bullied into taking his own life?  Did the school system that was supposed to keep him safe fail him?  Or are the accusations of bullying the kneejerk reaction of people who simply need someone to blame?

Why should I be so troubled by this?  Well, because a young man is dead. And because we're talking about my grandson's school. And because next year, he will be in the eighth grade.


A groaner seems inappropriate today so I'm just going to ask you to say a prayer for Paul's family.  And perhaps you could also pray that children of all ages will someday learn to treat each other with acceptance and love. 

Thanks.

There's a Shirt For That

Happy Hump Day

There was a time when truth could be poured out in an endless stream of words.  Pages and pages spent exploring the human condition.  Or whatever.  Now words are limited.  Blogs, posts, tweets - each shorter than the last - carrying in a handful of words those critical messages.

Today we're going to look at one of those great vehicles of highly condenced truth:

THE T-SHIRT

Of course, this is a blog about writing, so I'm limiting our tour to t-shirt truths on the subject of writing.

We all know what it takes to get the job done.

Of course, sometimes you've battled back all your distractions only to find your muse has flown.

But you push on, getting your first draft completed.  Time to edit.  So you call in the...

Sometimes these guys get a little grumpy, especially if you make the same mistakes over and over.

Still, you can't let that slow you down.  Every writer knows...

And so you have. It's written, it's polished, it's published.  Time to remind the world...

So, as we end our t-shirt truth tour, let me just say ....

How about you?  Seen any good t-shirt truths lately?

And I can't deny you your Hump Day "Aw".

Happy Hump Day.

Groaner of the Day: Two men were in the process of inventing a new brand of gum. They were arguing over the fact that their new gum was too hard and brittle and didn't have the right consistency.

One of the inventors insisted they simply had to add more liquid to their primary secret ingredient, code named "Yewin".

The other argued adamantly. "No, No, No! It's not wetter Yewin that counts... it's how you ply the gum!"

(ouch)

From the Master - Sir Alfred Hitchcock

Monday: Mystery, Murder, and Manuscripts

In last Monday's post, Boo! I Scared You. (Surprise verses Suspense), I referenced a famous quote from the master of suspense, Sir Alfred Hitchcock.  The quote drew a lot of comments so I went hunting for more advice from the master.  What I found were some quotes that are just too good not to share. 

On movies:

"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder"

An actor, discussing his character, asked Hitchcock, "What is my motivation?"
Hitchcock replied, "Your salary."

An actress asked Hitchcock which was her better profile, left or right. 
His reply: "My dear, you're sitting on your best profile."

His camera crew informed him that Tallulah Bankhead's habit of not wearing underpants was creating  problems during the filming of Lifeboat.
Hitchcock:  "I don't know if this is a matter for the costume department or the hairdresser."

A woman complained that the famous shower scene so frightened her daughter that the girl would no longer shower.
His reply: "Then Madam I suggest you have her dry cleaned."

"Disney has the best casting. If he doesn't like an actor he just tears him up."

On TV:

"Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some."

"Television has brought murder back into the home - where it belongs"

And the rest of these could easily apply to writing as well as film:

His mission in life: "to simply scare the hell out of people."

"Always make the audience suffer as much as possible."

Why people loved his thrillers: "They like to put their toe in the cold water of fear."

"Some of our most exquisite murders have been domestic, performed with tenderness in simple, homey places like the kitchen table."

"There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it."

And my favorite...

"Drama is life with the dull bits left out"

Oh, one more - on the subject of books...

"This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book -- it makes a very poor doorstop."

What else is there to say?

Which one is your favorite?

Groaner of the Day:  (We hardly need one after all that so here's a shorty.)  I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He claims he can stop any time.

When Do You Bail on a Book?

My monthly book group, Tea & Mystery, met last night.  Although some of our members prefer coffee to tea, we all love reading the same mystery and discussing it.  Through the group, I've found many titles and authors that have become favorites of mine.

This month's selection wasn't one of those.

At the beginning of the meeting, over half the members admitted they hadn't finished the book.  I was one of them.  This is very unusual for me.  I always make an effort to get the group book finished in time for the meeting.  Occasionally I run out of time but I don't recall ever just deciding not to finish.

For one thing, I'm very character driven.  Once I make a connection with a character I simply have to find out what happens to him/her.  Even if the story is weak or the writing doesn't appeal to me, I stay with it until the end.  I can't walk away without knowing.

With this book, I read well past the introduction of all the major characters and story threads (there were a bunch), but there was no connection.  I tried to force myself to keep going but I reached a point where I had to admit I had no interest in finishing this book.  I really didn't care what happened to these characters or who had done what to who and why.  I also decided my time is too valuable to waste reading a book I didn't enjoy.

Wow.  What a concept.  A bit of an epiphany for me.  I didn't have to finish.

How about you?  Once you start a book, do you feel you have to finish it? 

How far do you read before you decide it's not for you? 

Do you have a point of no return - if you made it that far, you'll stay to the end?

What will make you give up on a book?

Do you think readers are quicker to give up on a book now than they were twenty years ago?

If you're a writer, do you think you're more inclined to finish a book (knowing all the work that went into writing it) or more inclined to bail (because you read with a more critical eye)?


Groaner of the Day:  Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.

Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

Arnold says........
.
.
.
.
(wait for it)
.
.
.
.
(oh, come on, you know what's coming)
.
.
.
.
(okay, here it is)
.
.
.
.
"I'll be Bach."

 
(hee hee hee)

Borderline Naughty?

It's Wednesday.  Happy Hump Day.

Last week's pictures were all kind of over-the-top sweet so this week I'm balancing the scales.  Nothing that requires a "Mature Audience" warning, but maybe more chuckles than "Aw"s. 

First a joke:

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained, "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude was never invited back.

Now a question for the ages:

(Or is that for the aged?)

A Conversation in Heaven

  Hi, Wanda.

 

Well, hi there, Sylvia.  I didn't know you were here already.  How'd you die?

 

I froze to death.

 

How horrible!

 

It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

So, what happened?

I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, dear...we'd both still be alive.

Okay, you get at least one "Aw":

I'm ready for my walk now.

And a thought for the day for all my writer friends:

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Okay, do you feel fortified? Can you make it over the mid-week hump and onto the downhill slope toward the weekend? Good. Then my job here is done.

 

(Please don't forget to say hi while you're here.)

 

 

Groaner of the Day:  What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.