Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Cats and English Students - Always Good for a Laugh


 Happy Hump Day

Hope you're here for your hump day funnies because I've got some good ones for you today. But first I want to indulge in a quick Nana moment.

I'm a regular blood donor. My grandson recently turned sixteen (the minimum age for donating) and went with me yesterday to give blood. He said he thought it was important. Knowing how he feels about needles, I was really proud of him.

 


As we're still finishing up the Christmas holiday, I have to share this one.
 

That poor kitty will never be the same.


We didn't have a white Christmas here but we have had quite a bit of snow and cold since New Years.

 
 Hey, he'll be okay. Cats are resilient, right?


I've heard they're also very brave... 
but I hope this one listens to his friend.


That could be ugly.

Okay, so far this month we've had church bloopers and hospital chart bloopers. How about some words of wisdom from our students - specifically high school English students? 

For your reading enjoyment, I give you...

Annual English Teachers awards for best metaphors/analogies from student papers.

 His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

(And my personal favorite...)

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law George. But unlike George, this plan just might work.



Ah, the future of literature is bright.


I stayed with kitties for all today's pictures...er, not including my grandson.  It was the expression on this cat's face that made this one an "aw" for me. Pure bliss.


Don't you think so?

Did we get there? Are you over the mid-week hump and sailing toward a great weekend? I hope so.

Did you have a favorite?

Have a great week. I'll see you next Wednesday.

Oh, and as we're getting into the new year, I want to offer this 
 
Prayer for the Year:
 
Dear Lord,
 
My prayer for 2015 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.  Please don't mix these up like you did last year. 

AMEN!

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Guilty Dogs and Hospital Confusions

Happy Hump Day

Sorry I'm a little late posting this morning. It was one of those days where I just couldn't get out of bed.


You know the feeling.


And then I had to deal with this.


Personally, I don't believe them.


Then I got downstairs and found this!


Seriously?!?


Okay, I have to be honest. I didn't face any of that this morning. 
Well, maybe the getting out of bed part, not the other. My Sophie is very well behaved.

No more excuses. Let's get to your hump day funnies.

Everyone seemed to enjoy the church bloopers last week so I'm staying with that theme. But church ladies aren't the only ones who can give us a laugh. Today we have... 

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS 
Actual writings from hospital charts 
(Parenthetical thoughts are mine.) 

1 . The patient refused autopsy.  (Wouldn't you?)

2. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.  (Could be a problem.)  

3. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.  (For pete's sake, someone roll her over.)

4. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.  (Check under her legging.)

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.  (Ya think?)

6. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.  (How's that again?)

7. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.  (Well, I'm glad we've got that timeline straight.)

8. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (OMG!)

9. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.  (Huh?)

10. Skin: somewhat pale but present.  (Could be very messy otherwise.)

11. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.  (Couldn't we use a table? Bed? Something?)

Gives you second thoughts about going to the hospital, doesn't it?

Now you need a good aw.
I admit I may have used this one before but I came across it again and it always gets me.


 Poor guy. Don't you want to give him a treat?

 Okay, that's it. Did we get there? Are you over the mid week hump?
Excellent!
Did you have a favorite?

Have a fantastic week. See you next Wednesday.


Thought for Today:



It really is that cold here.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

First Hump Day of 2015

Happy First Hump Day of 2015

I've been thinking about making some changes to my blog routine but, to be honest, I haven't quite worked out what I want to do and since this is your first hump day of the new year, I'm staying with my usual hump day funnies. 

But first, let me ask you...did you have a good New Year's celebration?

You didn't party too hard, did you?




Oh good. I wouldn't want you to end up like this.


Or feel like this.


But you're okay, right? Wonderful.

Today's funnies come from those dear church ladies, who give us these wonderful 
Church Bulletin Bloopers.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.  (Oh my.)

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. (You'll need a really big envelope.)  

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. (And the robes are getting a little shabby, too.)  

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. (Ouch.)  

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." (Um...)

These last two feel related...

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. (I really must start my New Year's diet.)

Thank you, Ladies.

Now for your weekly "aw".

I know we see a lot of little animals with their stuffed friends but this one was a definite "aw" for me.


Was it for you?

Okay, are we there? Over the hump of this first full week in 2015 and sailing toward the weekend?
Great!

Did you have a favorite? 

Have a fantastic week/weekend and I'll see you next Wednesday, if not before.


Question for Today...


(I'm sorry. But it is sort of post-Christmas and I thought it was funny.)

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Merry Christmas



To all my online friends -

Wishing you a 

Merry and Blessed

Christmas



and a 

Healthy and Prosperous 

 New Year.





(I'll be back in January. See you then.)


Friday, December 19, 2014

Deja Vu Blogfest - A Lesson From Mama


As promised, it's time for DL Hammons' "The Day of the Do Over." 



DL is giving us a chance to re-post special news, maybe an important event, or perhaps something that just bears a second look.  (Thanks, DL!) 

Here's mine. I trimmed it at bit since there are lots of blogs to visit in this blog hop. This was the part I wanted to share again.


An After-Christmas Gift


As far back as I can remember - and that goes pretty far back - we always had tinsel (or icicles) on our Christmas tree. It was the only decoration that we considered 'disposable'.  The last thing to go on and the first to come off, and be thrown away, before all the other ornaments were packed away for next year.

But a few years back, when it was time to decorate our tree, I discovered most stores had stopped selling tinsel. No one we talked to was quite sure why. Probably a health hazard of some kind, another one of those things I've used or done for most of my life that has now been deemed unsafe. So there would be no tinsel on our tree. There would be a lot more ornaments, though. That was the first Christmas after my dear mum-in-law had passed and we had brought her Christmas ornaments home to add to our own.

Not surprisingly, all of Mama's ornaments were very old and very well cared for. Most were still in their original boxes. But there was also something wrapped in several sheets of tissue paper. I carefully unfolded the paper and discovered...tinsel. About two boxes worth, I guessed, each strand carefully laid out and saved from previous years.

We used Mama's tinsel that year, and saved it for the next. I've since found a store that still sells tinsel and I bought several boxes but they remain unopened  For now I use Mama's, and I take the time to remove each strand after Christmas and return it to the tissue paper wrapping for next year. It reminds me of her, and it also reminds me of how easily we throw things away. We've become a disposable society. It's easier to discard what's old or broken or would take too much effort to save. Things, relationships, people.

Mama knew it's important to save what we have. To care for, repair, and cherish. She left this knowledge for us, wrapped in tissue paper, to be opened and remembered every year. I thought it was a gift worth sharing with you.


 * * * * * *

Here are the links to the other participants in this Blog Hop. Happy hopping and don't forget to say hi when you visit.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

What! Christmas is Next Week?!?

Happy Hump Day

Wait a minute. This is supposed to be my last Hump Day post before Christmas. That means...oh my gosh! Christmas is a week away!!!!

I'm not ready. I having more shopping to do, and wrapping, and planning Christmas dinner for the whole family. 

I should have known it was coming. There are signs everywhere. Even in my own house. 

In my living room. 


In my family room. 
 

Over the fireplace. 


But how did it get here so quickly? 

Okay, tell you what. How about if I just share a couple of my favorite bits of Christmas funnies.


The Politically Correct Twelve Days of Christmas
 
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
 
a.. TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
 
b.. ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note)
 
c. TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping

d. NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression

e. EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans
 
f. SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands
 
g. SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
 
h. FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration. 

NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, hens and  partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further  Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.
 
i. FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
 
j. THREE deconstructionist poets
 
k. TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses, and
 
l. ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

 
 Number eight has always been my favorite.
(Bovine-Americans...hee hee hee).


And here they are...those fabulous Silent Monks.



I love that video every Christmas.

I wouldn't forget your "aw".

I know we see lots of cute pics of sleeping pups, but this little one is definitely somebody's furbaby.
 

It got me.


Not only is this an "on the run" post - it will be one of two this week. 
Come back by on Friday for my post in DL Hammons'...



Okay. Was that enough to get you over the hump? I hope so.

Are you ready for Christmas?


 A Happy and Blessed Hanukkah to my Jewish friends.

Quote for Today:

I love the Christmas-tide, and yet,
I notice this, each year I live;
I always like the gifts I get,
But how I love the gifts I give!
~Carolyn Wells

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Grumpy Hump Day

Happy Hump Day - Sort of...

I'm wrestling with Internet issues today. One of my email accounts appears to have been hacked and is sending bogus email in my name. And Google, in its infinite wisdom, has decided I need protection from Spam comments, even though I keep telling them I don't.

If you're kind enough to leave me a comment, you'll probably see that annoying "prove you're not a robot" verification. This is NOT my idea. I've re-set the Word Verification to off until I'm blue in the face and I can't make that thing go away. If anyone has any helpful hints for me, please share.

Since words are giving me so much trouble today, this post is going to be light on text and heavy on pictures. Hopefully ones that make you laugh.  

This one just tickled me.


You've got to give him credit for trying.


Have you ever been in this position?


At least he came back to check.


This looks exactly like my son's dog.


And that sounds like an excuse he'd use too. 
(If he could talk, of course.)


While we're thinking of Christmas, how true is this?


Yeah, you know you do it.


If you're a writer, or know a writer, here's a great Christmas idea.


Well, why not? Everyone reads in there.


Time for your weekly "aw". I was thinking of using another family picture this week but then I came across this one. It was just made for a good "aw".


Don't you agree?


So here we are - over the hump for this week and just two weeks away from Christmas.

If you're responsible for holiday decorating, shopping, wrapping, entertaining, etc., you're probably screaming for time to slow down. 
Here's a tip. 
Find your inner child. The next two weeks will drag on forever. 

I'm off to go wrestle with Blogger and my email.
Have a great week and an ever better weekend. See you next Wednesday.


 Quote for Today:

Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind. ~Mary Ellen Chase