Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Hump Day Mish Mash Funnies

Happy Hump Day

It's a mish-mash funnies day. One of those posts of funnies that I didn't have a theme for or didn't have room for in another post. So don't look for any connection between these...except that they make you smile, chuckle, or even better, laugh out loud.

Let's start off with a little static cling.


"I thought that box was empty."


Okay, I apologize for this one in advance.

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that the urinals were too high, they couldn't reach them. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to stare, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I sure appreciate your help."



I know. That's so bad. 
(But I did apologize.)


This one just made me laugh. 

 


Moving on to bad joke number two.
(Hey, maybe I did have a theme today.)

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said "I do....why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.  

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto (who was a very fast runner) and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." 

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" 

(get ready)  

"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin'." 


Aw, come on. You laughed.
Snickered?
Something?
(I should be shot?)


Maybe I should look like this next guy...

 I've come home to a face like that.
It's never a good thing.


This is a little different from my usual "aw" pictures.
I think the "aw" comes from a deeper place 
and the message is important. 

My mom and dad were together for 65 years.


That's it for today.
Are we there? Over the hump?
Fantastic.

Did you have a favorite?

I'm afraid you're going to have to get over the hump without me next week.
We're taking a little vacation and I'll be offline.

Do I hear the sound of weeping and gnashing of teeth?
Nah, I didn't think so. 

Be good and I'll see you in a couple of weeks.

   
 Thought for the Day:

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

I Thought Cats Were Supposed to be Bright


Happy Hump Day

Let week we had fun with a little dog shaming. 
This week I'm giving equal time to our feline friends.
No, not "shaming" - 
seriously, have you ever seen a guilty cat? -
these would fall under the heading of "not too bright".

Do you think we should tell him there's an easier way to reach that toy?


Like maybe walking around the door.


Oh, and to keep your brains in better shape than these kitties,
here are a few more entries from the
Engineer's Conversion Table.

Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone


             
Here's another kitty who seems to have a problem with doors.
  

It's the flap on your right, sweetie. On your right.
 
Oh,well.


More conversion units:
 
52 cards = 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds  


I especially like that last one.


 I'm not sure what this little guy was thinking.


But don't you love his expression?
 Hopefully that hand is coming to the rescue.


And still more conversion units:

1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

100 rations = 1 C-ration

        
 I can hear this guy thinking, "Oh crap. Now what."


 Little help here, please.


Okay, last of the conversion table:

2 monograms = 1 diagram

 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

  

Since I picked on cats today, I know I should offer a cute kitten for your "aw",
but this picture just came my way yesterday and I fell in love with this face.




Bet you said it.
(Who could resist that smile?)


Alrighty then. Are we there? Over that dreaded mid week hump?
On our way to the weekend?
Fantastic.

Did you have a favorite?

Have a great day, week, weekend -
and I'll see you next Wednesday.

Lesson for Today:  (I know this is a little long but I think it's worth it.)

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. 'Well,' she said, 'I think I'll braid my hair today.'  So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. 'Hmm' she said, 'I think I'll part my hair down the middle today.'  So she did and she had a grand day.

 The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. 'Well,' she said, 'today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail.'  So she did, and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.  'YAY!' she exclaimed. 'I don't have to fix my hair today!' 

Attitude is everything.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Dog Shame and Engineers...or is it Engineer Shame and...

Happy Hump Day

Welcome to your hump day funnies...here to provide you with a little boost to get you over the mid-week hump.

Mixed in with today's photos you'll find some educational material I hope you'll find useful.. 
(Hey, I'm not just another pretty face over here. I got smarts!)

Let's get started.


I'm wondering is that expression is guilt...

...or if he's trying to pass a Lego. Ouch.


Here are some entries from the latest 
Engineering Conversion Table.

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope


 Good stuff to know, right?


 I'm not sure on this one.

 I think the "helper" wants to throw his buddy under the bus.


 More educational stuff:

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong


Don't you feel smarter already?

 
This guy flat out does not look ashamed.


But that would certainly be startling.


Just one more set of these. I don't want to over-tax your brains.


16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling 

Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon 

1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz


You'll want to impress your friends with your new knowledge.


I'm cheating a little with your "aw" today. It's another "dog-shaming" shot. 
But when I saw this one, I "aw"ed more than I laughed.

You just know she's really sorry.


I've got more Engineer Conversion Table items so if you want to expand your knowledge, let me know and I'll add some to next week's post.

 Are we there? Over the hump?

Excellent. 

Coast down the slope to the weekend and have a great one.

See you next Wednesday.


Classic Exchange for Today: 

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill: 
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend ... if you have one."

Winston Churchill, in response:  
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one."

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

A Little Mental Exercise for Hump Day

Happy Hump Day

I  hope you're all making it through the week and staying warm. 

Maybe a little exercise will help.

Oh, don't panic, I'm talking about mental exercise. 

Spread through this post will be four questions. Try to come up with the answer before moving on.

Here's the first one:

How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

While you think about that one, here's a local weather report...



Did you decide on your answer?  Here's what is should have been:


Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. 

 
Let's try the next one:

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? 

While you're pondering that one, here's a joke.

A lady on a city bus, who happened to be very pregnant, noticed the young man opposite her was starting at her and smiling. His attention made her uncomfortable so she moved to another seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing.  She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
 
The case came up in court and the judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
 
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this...When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming.' and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling.' and it made me grin. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident!'... I just lost it."
 
The case was dismissed. 
 
Okay, got your answer ready?

Did you say: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Nope, wrong answer.

The correct answer was:


Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

How are you doing? Let's try this one.


The Lion King is hosting an Animal Conference. All the animals attend ... except one. Which animal does not attend?

While you work on that one, check this guy out.
 
I have absolutely no idea what to say.


Got your answer?

It should be...

The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.


Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities. Here's the final question.

There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

But before the answer...here's your weekly "aw".

In keeping with our weather woes...

Have you got an "aw" for this little guy?

 Mom, it's cold out here.
 
 Okay, final answer. How do you cross that river?
 
You jump into the river and swim across. Haven’t you been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. 

 
So...how'd you do? Get 'em all right? Just a couple? Not even one?

That's okay. At least you're over the hump and on your way to the weekend.

Hope it's a great one.

See you next Wednesday.
 
Quote for Today: 
  
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.  ~ John Glenn

 

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Without Rhyme or Reason


Happy Hump Day

I'm not happy this morning. I have to break in a new baby doctor. No, not that kind of baby doctor (heaven forbid!). 

I should explain. Last fall, my family doctor, who'd been taking care of me for 35 years, was killed in an accident. When I got past grieving for the loss of this wonderful man, I realized I had to find a new doctor.  I put off the search for several months and when I finally started looking, I discovered our area is experiencing a shortage of doctors in family practice, so much so that no one is taking new patients. Except this one practice who just added a new doctor to their staff. The emphasis on "new". I'm talking fresh out of residency, ink barely dry on his license new. I've seen his picture. He looks younger than my grandson. He's a baby!

I hate going to a new doctor.

Okay, moving on...

If you're hunting for the theme in this post, good luck. I couldn't find it either.  Instead you're getting a random assortment of things that made me laugh. Or at least chuckle.

But not giggle. I don't believing in giggling. It's undignified.


This first picture is an actual screen shot of my phone's weather app taken yesterday.


Either it was really, really cold or my phone is having a nervous breakdown.
(It's better now.)


You know what's fun to do in bad weather? Sit around and think up ways to make people crazy.

Like these...


I like number two.


A friend told me this little story the other day.


I went over to the local gun shop the other day to get a small 9mm for home protection.   

When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." 

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. 

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I realized she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!! 

 I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. 

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.  

 I still don't think I looked that bad..................................... 


That was NOT me.


You know I can't do a hump day post without at least one funny pet photo.


I understood this completely. Not too fond of spiders myself.



Hey, did you realize Lent begins today. I always try to do something to improve myself during Lent. Like exercise. I've got a great plan if you'd like to try it. 

 LD's Super Exercise Plan

1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

2. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

3. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bag.

4. Then try 50-lb potato bag and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

5. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato into each bag.


Hee hee hee.
(You saw that coming, didn't you?)


Time for your "aw".

I'm going traditional with this one - dog and baby.
But look at that face.


Come on, you know you said it.


That's it for today.  Are we there? Over the hump?
Excellent.

Did you have a favorite?

As I mentioned, I'm going to be off breaking down...er, in the new baby doctor this morning so I won't get around to visit anyone till later.

Wish me luck.

Have a great week and I'll see you next Wednesday.

Thought for Today:

My younger grandson turned 14 on Monday. The family had plans to go out for dinner but there was this big snowstorm so they stay home, ate in, and retired to the hot tub on their back deck. I've done the "hot tub with snow falling" bit and it's really quite nice. My grandson, on the other hand, decided it would be more fun to jump out of the tub, race around the yard in his swimsuit, and flop into the snow making snow angels.

Oh, to be young and stupid again.

(Happy Birthday, Cooper.)

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

They Walk Among Us...and They Vote

Happy Hump Day

No, this hump day post isn't about politics. Heaven forbid. But it is about these little moments that make me concerned for our future.

Like this guy.


Do you think he could have figured out a better way to shade his eyes?


How 'bout this one?


Think he'll figure out how his bike got stolen?


Ah, a little karaoke. 


But I can barely hear the girl in the middle.


Um, hey, buddy...I know a way you could stay drier.


You'd think someone would show him.


For this one I have no words.



Okay, how about a little phone idiocy?

These are from actual call center conversations

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'
Operator:  'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'


Caller inquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe: 'If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...' 

[Directory Inquiry]
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please.'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'

And my personal favorite

Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'


Scary, isn't it?

Now I think we need a good "aw".

I've seen this one before. Heck I might have posted it before. But it absolutely gets me every time.


Bet it got you, too.

That's it for today. Hope you're over the hump and sailing toward a fantastic weekend.

Did you have a favorite?

Take care, be good, and I'll see you next Wednesday.


Thought for Today:

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Lucy, You Got Some 'Splaining To Do


Happy Hump Day.

Ever have one of those day were things just went wrong? 
And even worse was having to explain to your boss/spouse/customer what happened.

Wouldn't you love to hear the explanations that went with these?



"I'm going to be a little late for the funeral. Why? Well, you see..."





"Um, Boss, I had a slight problem with the delivery..."




"Sweetheart, I picked up that paint at the store so you wouldn't have to. But the funniest thing happened..."





"This is Ajax Cement Company. Are you the owner of a gray..."


How about these cases of foot in mouth disease?

In a seminar for wives on keeping a loving relationship with their husband, the women were told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."  They were then instructed to share the text message they received in response.

I'd love to hear the husbands trying to explain away these replies? 

1. Who is this?

2. Did you crash the car again?
3. How much you need?
4. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
5. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

This next one is your public service announcement for today.

This is from an interview Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky on her 101st birstday.

Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?

Hattie: For better digestion, I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine. For low blood pressure, I drink red wine. For high blood pressure, I drink scotch. And when I have a cold, I drink Schnapps.

Reporter: When do you drink water?

Hattie: I've never been that sick.

There you have it. The secret to long life.
(Never say this isn't an informational blog.)
 

I usually try to avoid captioned pictures for your weekly "aw". I think the picture alone should be enough. But this one...well, haven't we all felt this way?
 

Kinda ties back to the pictures above.

And there you have it. Your hump day funnies for this week.
Did they work? Are you over the hump?
Excellent!

Did you have a favorite?
(Are any of you so young you don't know where the title of this post comes from?)

Have a great day/week/weekend!
See you next Wednesday.


Thought for Today: 

"We don't see things the way they are. We see them the way we are."