Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Hump Day Senior Funnies

Happy Hump Day

Well, I had a pretty interesting week. How about you?

Last Thursday, our volunteer Disaster Recovery Team was called out to help with the clean up from a small tornado that touched down one town over.  Luckily, no one was hurt and there was minimal structural damage but lots of trees down.  Our chainsaw crew cut them up and the rest of us hauled the limbs and trunk pieces to the curb for pickup. 


 Was I sore after? Oh, yeah.

 But I perked up over the weekend for a special event. Our younger grandson's Confirmation.
Isn't he handsome?


He even tied his bow tie himself. No clip-ons for this young man.
(He said it only took him twenty minutes.)

Okay, on to your funnies.

I've done a few little old lady jokes lately. Let's give the guys a turn.


An old man loses his job but, because of his age, can't find a new one. So he decides he'll have to live off his wits instead. He opens a clinic and places a sign in the window that says:

“Get Treatment For Any Condition - $50, If Not Cured Get Back $100.
Limit three visits per patient.”

The young doctor in town sees the sign and figures he will show up the old man and earn a quick hundred dollars in the process, so he goes inside and says, "I need help. I've lost my sense of taste."

The old man tells his nurse, "Bring medicine bottle seven and place three drops on this patient's tongue."

The nurse complies.

The doctor quickly spits out the liquid, saying, "That's not medicine, it's gasoline."

"Wonderful," the old man replied. "You have your sense of taste back. That will be fifty dollars."

The doctor is furious at being fooled and returns the next day to earn back his money. "I've lost my memory," he told the old man. "I can't remember a thing."

"Nurse, bring bottle seven and place three drops on this patient's tongue."

"Wait a minute. I'm not falling for that one again. That's gasoline."

"Excellent. Your memory is restored. Fifty dollars, please."

The doctor pays the fee but comes back the next day for one last try, determined to get his hundred dollars back.

"Please help me. My eyesight is failing. I can barely see."

The old man thinks for a minute then says, "I'm sorry. I can't do anything for you. Here's one hundred dollars."

"Oh no," the doctor tells him. "You can't trick me. That's only a fifty dollar bill."

"Congratulations, your eyesight is all better. That will be fifty dollars."


I guess the moral of the story is...don't mess with senior citizens. 


And for you teenagers who think you're putting one over on your poor ancient teachers...


Nope, you're not fooling anyone.


Running a little long here so let's go straight to your "aw".


The caption almost made this one a "funny" but the poor little guy was an "aw" for me.



How about you?

Did that do it? Enough of a boost to get you over the hump and coasting toward the weekend?
I hope so.

That disaster work has put me behind schedule on a couple end of month deadlines (and the month ends TOMORROW! Yikes!) so I won't be visiting anyone for a few days. I'll try to catch up soon.

Congratulations to everyone who completed the A-Z challenge this month.
Please stop by next Wednesday. I've got something special for you.
Have a great day/week/weekend.

Thought for Today:




Ain't it the truth?

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Hump Day - Short and Sweet

Happy Hump Day

I've noticed my hump day posts have been running a little long lately and since most of us have limited time for blog reading, I'm changing to a shorter format for a while. Please let me know what you think.


I love dogs. We've always had dogs as part of our family. I believe dogs are incredibly loving and faithful and intelligent. But sometimes...just on occasion, I question their honesty. 


You know what I mean?


How about a little old lady joke? (My favorites.)

Sylvia and Wanda, two very old friends, meet up in heaven. They're startled to see each other.

"Wanda! What are you doing here? I didn't know you'd passed."

"Oh, it's just been a couple days. I didn't know you were here either. How did you die?"

"I froze to death."

"Oh, my dear, that sounds terrible."

"It wasn't so bad. After I stopped shaking, I began to feel all warm and sleepy and just drifted away. What about you?"

"Heart attack. My own fault really. I thought my husband was cheating on me so I came home early to catch him in the act."

"And did you?"

"No. He was sitting there alone watching TV. But I was sure there was a woman there somewhere. I started searching all over the house. I ran up to the attic and down to the basement. I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept racing around until I was exhausted and I just keeled over with a massive heart attack and died."

"Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, dear. We'd both still be alive."



Be honest. Did you see that one coming?


Time for your "aw".

I've done a lot of "aw" pictures with puppies and kittens and babies. Even otters.
How about a pair of loving fawns?


Did you say it?

Okay, that's it. Are we there? Over the mid-week hump?

Excellent!

Does the shorter post format work for you?

Have a great day, week, and weekend.

See you next Wednesday.


Thought for Today:


Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Battling Church Signs and Other Hump Day Nonsense



Happy Hump Day.

I'm going to do something different this week. Your first funny of the day is a series of battling church signs. 

Now before anyone takes offense, I know these aren't real and they aren't meant to reflect the actual beliefs of any particular faith. They're just for fun, okay?



 







Personally, I would love to believe these were actual signs but my son was quick to point out they were obviously Photoshopped. I don't care, they still made me laugh.

How about a little old lady joke?
(You know why I claim the right to tell these.)


Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a State Trooper saw a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour. Knowing a car going that slowly could be just as dangerous as a speeder, he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. As he approached the car, he noticed there were five old ladies - two in the front and three in the back of the car - wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver was obviously confused. "Officer, I don`t understand, I know I wasn't speeding. What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma`am, you weren`t speeding, but driving significantly slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly -- twenty-two miles an hour."

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

"Oh dear," she replied, "that's right. Thank you. I see the difference now."

"Well, I'm going to let you go this time," the officer said, "but I have to ask...is everyone okay?  These women seem awfully shaken up."

"Oh, they`ll be fine in a minute, Officer. We just got off Route 119."


I didn't get a picture of that lady with her friends but I did get this one of her with her dog.


I think she's on Route 119 again.


Okay, the church signs ran this post a bit longer than usual so I'm jumping straight to your "aw".

There's nothing like sharing a nap with your best friend.


Aw, come on. You know you said it.


I want to take a second and thank my blog friend Alex Cavanaugh, the Ninja Captain, who gave this blog a very nice mention in his post yesterday.  He also referred to me as "someone with a pure heart", quite the nicest compliment I can think of.  Thank you, Alex.

If you don't follow Alex's blog (is there anyone who doesn't follow Alex's blog), you really should stop by. Especially now during the A-Z Challenge.

 Okay, are we there? Over the mid-week hump?
Oh, yeah - we're sailing toward the weekend!

Have a great one and I'll see you next Wednesday.

Thought for Today:



Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Hump Day - Running Ahead of the Storm


Happy Hump Day

Okay, I admit it. Hump Day sort of sneaked up on me this week. I felt a little like this guy.

What the... Where did that come from?

I'm also having a little trouble getting anything done this morning because we have thunder rumbling through and when Sophie can't find a good place to hide...


...she insists on being held. 

Kind of like this guy.

(This is an oldie but I still love it.)

Sophie's not that big but it's still very hard to type this way.


Maybe I should get her some brownies.


Well, at least the thunder wouldn't bother her.

This joke is a follow-up on one of last week's, from a slightly older perspective.

This is from Scotland where students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He came up wit six: 

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

But then he was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.  


 Bet he got an A.

I'm going to keep this post short because that thunder had morphed into a monster storm and I'm betting we lose power soon. 


(I tried to capture the local weather radar map but it didn't copy well. We're just in front of that dark red.)


So let's jump to your weekly aw.

I should have had this one for last week's post since my theme was "soggy".

Did you know otters hold hands when they sleep so they don't drift apart with the current?


Maybe we should all do that.

Getting darker here so let's wrap it up.

Hope this shorter post still had enough giggles and grins to get you over the hump and on your way to the weekend.

Have a great week/weekend and I'll see you next Wednesday.

Thought for Today:
(perfect for a stormy day, don't you think?)



Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Back From Vacation or A Soggy Blog

Happy Hump Day

I hope everyone got through last week without your hump day funnies to help you along. 

Hubby and I were in Puerto Rico with my eldest and his family, enjoying the kids' spring break.  It was the perfect getaway from the end of a long cold winter.

We spent time on the ocean.
 

And in the ocean.


And even in a pool that overlooked the ocean.

(We're at the edge of the pool. The darker blue behind is the ocean below us.)

Alas, all great things must come to an end, and that includes vacations. 
So here we are, back to the daily grind and needing a little something to get us over the midweek hump.

Hey, do you know the difference between friendship among men and friendship among women?

Friendship among Women:   A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.  The man called his wife's 10 best friends.  None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
  A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.  The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.  Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Nah, I don't think that's true. Do you?

In keeping with my earlier pool picture, I think these guys have the right idea.



How about a couple kid jokes?
 Here's one.

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued  and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. 

After mulling over my answers, she remarked, “My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.”   


We took a ton of pictures while we were gone (aren't you glad I'm not making you look at them all). Sometimes I think the kids started to feel like this.


Hey, it's hard to keep holding that smile.

Here's kid joke two.

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her injection.
 
“No, no, no!” she screamed.
 
“Lizzie,” scolded by her mother, "that's not polite behavior.”
 
With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you!"   

 Well...it's polite. 

I wanted to try to stay with the vacation theme for all of today's pictures and I even found one for your "aw".
Naturally, on vacation, a guy wants to kick back and put his feet up.


I think he's got it.

Are we there? Over the hump? I hope so.
(My midweek is a little off because we just got back so today feels like Monday to me.)

I'm still working my way through the 583 e-mails that arrived while I was gone so forgive me if it takes me a couple days to visit everyone.

Have a great week/weekend. See you here next Wednesday.

Question for Today:


Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Hump Day Mish Mash Funnies

Happy Hump Day

It's a mish-mash funnies day. One of those posts of funnies that I didn't have a theme for or didn't have room for in another post. So don't look for any connection between these...except that they make you smile, chuckle, or even better, laugh out loud.

Let's start off with a little static cling.


"I thought that box was empty."


Okay, I apologize for this one in advance.

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that the urinals were too high, they couldn't reach them. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to stare, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I sure appreciate your help."



I know. That's so bad. 
(But I did apologize.)


This one just made me laugh. 

 


Moving on to bad joke number two.
(Hey, maybe I did have a theme today.)

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said "I do....why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.  

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto (who was a very fast runner) and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." 

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" 

(get ready)  

"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin'." 


Aw, come on. You laughed.
Snickered?
Something?
(I should be shot?)


Maybe I should look like this next guy...

 I've come home to a face like that.
It's never a good thing.


This is a little different from my usual "aw" pictures.
I think the "aw" comes from a deeper place 
and the message is important. 

My mom and dad were together for 65 years.


That's it for today.
Are we there? Over the hump?
Fantastic.

Did you have a favorite?

I'm afraid you're going to have to get over the hump without me next week.
We're taking a little vacation and I'll be offline.

Do I hear the sound of weeping and gnashing of teeth?
Nah, I didn't think so. 

Be good and I'll see you in a couple of weeks.

   
 Thought for the Day:

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

I Thought Cats Were Supposed to be Bright


Happy Hump Day

Let week we had fun with a little dog shaming. 
This week I'm giving equal time to our feline friends.
No, not "shaming" - 
seriously, have you ever seen a guilty cat? -
these would fall under the heading of "not too bright".

Do you think we should tell him there's an easier way to reach that toy?


Like maybe walking around the door.


Oh, and to keep your brains in better shape than these kitties,
here are a few more entries from the
Engineer's Conversion Table.

Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone


             
Here's another kitty who seems to have a problem with doors.
  

It's the flap on your right, sweetie. On your right.
 
Oh,well.


More conversion units:
 
52 cards = 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds  


I especially like that last one.


 I'm not sure what this little guy was thinking.


But don't you love his expression?
 Hopefully that hand is coming to the rescue.


And still more conversion units:

1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

100 rations = 1 C-ration

        
 I can hear this guy thinking, "Oh crap. Now what."


 Little help here, please.


Okay, last of the conversion table:

2 monograms = 1 diagram

 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

  

Since I picked on cats today, I know I should offer a cute kitten for your "aw",
but this picture just came my way yesterday and I fell in love with this face.




Bet you said it.
(Who could resist that smile?)


Alrighty then. Are we there? Over that dreaded mid week hump?
On our way to the weekend?
Fantastic.

Did you have a favorite?

Have a great day, week, weekend -
and I'll see you next Wednesday.

Lesson for Today:  (I know this is a little long but I think it's worth it.)

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. 'Well,' she said, 'I think I'll braid my hair today.'  So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. 'Hmm' she said, 'I think I'll part my hair down the middle today.'  So she did and she had a grand day.

 The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. 'Well,' she said, 'today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail.'  So she did, and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.  'YAY!' she exclaimed. 'I don't have to fix my hair today!' 

Attitude is everything.