Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Without Rhyme or Reason

Happy Hump Day

Here they are - your hump days funnies. A little something to get you over the midweek hump and on the slippery slope to the weekend.

In case you're looking for the theme of this post...don't. The only connection is they made me laugh. And I hope they do the same for you.



Hah! That'll show 'em.

Wait a minute. I think that picture and this joke are vaguely connected.
Or maybe not. 

A burglar broke into a home one night.  He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; when he heard, a strange voice echoing from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

After awhile when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he whispered to the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Cute. And what's your name?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus."



Chomp Chomp.


I like this great marketing idea.


Well, it's true, isn't it?

How about this one?


Hope he makes bail.

Okay, one more joke.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." 

And, of course, we can't forget your weekly "aw".

I'd love this one even without the pacifier.


Did you say it?

That's all for today. Are you there? 
Over the hump and heading down slope toward the weekend? 
Perfect!

Did you have a favorite?

Have a great week/weekend.

Groaner for Today:

Two men walked into a bar.
You’d think the second one would have seen it.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Hump Day Funnies and a Cover Reveal from Crystal Collier

Happy Hump Day


Okay, this is a pitiful return to my Wednesday schedule. It's 11:45 pm and I'm scrambling to get the post up while it's still hump day. I have a good reason for being late (really) but it doesn't belong in a hump day funnies blog so I won't go into it.

Last week I gave you the "aw" picture of the poor basset hound trying to sleep on a couple flower pots. You seemed to like it, so today I'm going to share a few more pets trying to find or claim their special spots.

Like this poor guy...


 Sorry, buddy. I think you need something a bit larger.


This guy has the same problem.


I give this one points for adaptibility.

 

Any golfers in the crowd?
 Here's one for you.

One evening, after Jim and Jane had been married for a couple years and the honeymoon was waning, Jim was cleaning his golf shoes as Jane watched in silence. 
 
After a while Jane said, "Honey, I've been thinking…you spend an awful lot of time golfing and I think it hurting our marriage. Maybe you should quit." 
 
Jim looked at her with a stunned expression. “Wow. You just sounded exactly like my ex-wife." 
 
"Ex-wife! I didn't know you were married before!" 
 
"I wasn't."

End of discussion. 


This proud boy just wants a pat of approval.


I think he deserves it, don't you?


That last one almost qualified as this week's "aw", until I found this one.

It didn't get my "aw" at first but when I took in the surroundings...


See what I mean?  A slightly different "aw" but it counts.


And now I'm delighted to help my blog friend Crystal Collier reveal the cover of her upcoming release, SOULLESS.  Isn't this a great cover?

Have you met the Soulless and Passionate? In the world of 1770 where supernatural beings mix with humanity, Alexia is playing a deadly game.

SOULLESS, Book 2 in the Maiden of Time trilogy

Alexia manipulated time to save the man of her dreams, and lost her best friend to red-eyed wraiths. Still grieving, she struggles to reconcile her loss with what was gained: her impending marriage. But when her wedding is destroyed by the Soulless—who then steal the only protection her people have—she’s forced to unleash her true power.
 
And risk losing everything.

What people are saying about this series:
"With a completely unique plot that keeps you guessing and interested, it brings you close to the characters, sympathizing with them and understanding their trials and tribulations." --SC, Amazon reviewer 
"It's clean, classy and supernaturally packed with suspense, longing, intrigue and magic." --Jill Jennings, TX   
"SWOON." --Sherlyn, Mermaid with a Book Reviewer

Crystal Collier is a young adult author who pens dark fantasy, historical, and romance hybrids. She can be found practicing her brother-induced ninja skills while teaching children or madly typing about fantastic and impossible creatures. She has lived from coast to coast and now calls Florida home with her creative husband, three littles, and “friend" (a.k.a. the zombie locked in her closet). Secretly, she dreams of world domination and a bottomless supply of cheese. You can find her on her blog and Facebook, or follow her on Twitter.

COMING October 13, 2014

Crystal also asked me to let you know Book 1 in this series, MOONLESS, will be on sale all this week. Check it out here.

Congratulations, Crystal.
 
 
Well, I didn't make it. It's after midnight so your hump day post this week is hump day plus one. I'll try to be on time next week.

Hope these belated funnies still help you make it to the weekend.

Did you have a favorite?


Thought for Today:

 

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

I'm Back! With Funnies for You and Apologies for Carol Kilgore.

Happy Hump Day.


Hi. What's everyone been up to while I was gone? No, wait. Don't tell me. I'll be around to visit everyone as soon as I can.

I know you've been missing your hump day funnies (you have missed them, right?) so let's dive right in.

You'd think for my first post, I'd have come up with a theme but the only connection between today's pictures and jokes is they made me laugh.

Starting with...


I know this feeling. How about you?

A friend of mine shared this with me...

I had to make a quick stop at the grocery the other day so I parked my car in the lot and rolled down the windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had enough fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.  I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"

As I was walking, I passed a pretty young thing who was watching me with a strange look.

"Why," she asked me, "don't you just put it in park?" 
 

We won't discuss hair color on that one.


Now hair color on this one is a whole different matter.
 


I'm almost embarrassed to admit that cracked me up, but it did.


This is my new favorite joke.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news: “There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know…

She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked, “Will I be acquitted?”

I love it!


This picture was a toss up for me as a funny or an "aw".  But when I thought of my teenage grandson, that tipped it to a funny.


I love the dog's expression.


Which brings us to your hump day "aw". This one was also both a funny and an "aw" but the sight of this poor fellow trying to make a bed for himself was an "aw" for me.


How about you?


Before I close, I have to offer my deepest apologies to my blog friend, author Carol Kilgore.  I promised Carol I'd be part of the June cover reveal for her new book, Secrets of Honor. Then I promptly took a blog break for the entire month. So, with apologies for my tardiness, I offer the beautiful cover for Secrets of Honor.


About Secrets of Honor...

By the end of a long evening working as a special set of eyes for the presidential security detail, all Kat Marengo wants is to kick off her shoes and stash two not-really-stolen rings in a secure spot. Plus, maybe sleep with Dave Krizak. No, make that definitely sleep with Dave Krizak. The next morning, she wishes her new top priorities were so simple.

As an operative for a covert agency buried in the depths of the Department of Homeland Security, Kat is asked to participate in a matter of life or death—locate a kidnapped girl believed to be held in Corpus Christi, Texas. Since the person doing the asking is the wife of the president and the girl is the daughter of the first lady’s dearest friend, it’s hard to say no.

Kat and Dave quickly learn the real stakes are higher than they or the first lady believed and will require more than any of them bargained for.

The kicker? They have twenty-four hours to find the girl—or the matter of life or death will become more than a possibility.

About Carol...

Carol writes grocery lists, texts to her family, new lyrics to old songs for her dogs, love notes to her husband, and novels for herself. And for you. In between, she blogs weekly at Under the Tiki Hut and is active on Facebook and Twitter.
She sees mystery and subterfuge everywhere. And she’s a sucker for a good love story—especially ones with humor and mystery. Crime Fiction with a Kiss gives her the latitude to mix and match throughout the broad mystery and romance genres. Having flexibility makes her heart happy.
 
Website with Monthly Contest: http://www.carolkilgore.net



Okay, that's it for today.  Did the funnies do it for you? Are you over the midweek hump? 
Great! Did you have a favorite?

Have a wonderful weekend. I'll see you next Wednesday.

Thought for Today:

Bad decisions make good stories.  (REALLY, THEY DO...)

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Reminders, Funnies, and Bye For a While

Happy Hump Day

Before we get to your hump day funnies, I have an announcement: I'm going to stop blogging for a bit. I was doing pretty well juggling family, writing and blogging/social media, but the last few weeks it's been family, gardening/yard work, disaster response (we were out again last weekend), writing, and blogging/social media. Guess what's getting squeezed out. I think a month or so should let me get caught up so please check back toward the beginning of July. Don't forget me, okay?


A couple other quick notes before we get to your hump day funnies...


 Just a reminder that the submission deadline for Write Club is  May 31. If you missed my earlier post on this great event, hop over to the Write Club site for all the details.





Also, congratulations to Liz Fichera. Her lastest, PLAYED, goes on sale today.













Okay, just as a change of pace, I'm going to lead off your funnies with a joke (instead of a silly pet picture).

Two  little  boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.  

The  older boy leans over and asks, "What  are you having done?" 

The  second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm  afraid."   

The  first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about.  I had that  done when I was four. They put  you to sleep, and when you wake up, they  give you lots  of Jell-O and ice cream.  It's a  breeze."   

The second  boy then asks, "What are you going in  for?"  

The first  boy says, "Circumcision."  

"Whoa!"  the smaller  boy replies.  "Good luck, buddy.  I had that done when I was  born.  Couldn't  walk for a year."
 
 
 Well, he couldn't...


Since I'm going to be gone for a while, I thought I should offer this Public Service Announcement:
 
Roger Raglin Fan
 Page's photo. 
 
Hee hee hee.
 
 
Okay, now tell me the truth. Do you think this selfie craze is getting a little out of hand?.
 
 
I think that guy was the clerk at the BMV when I got my license renewed last week. 
 
 
And not to forget your "aw"...
 
 
 Can we get some kitty love?


 That's it for now. I hope you're over the hump for this week and you'll manage to get through the next few weeks without your hump day funnies.
 
 I'll miss you all and may pop in for a comment or two here and there if time permits.

Take care.

Quote for Today: 

"Nothing can dim the light which shines from within." ~ Maya Angelou    April 4, 1928 - May 28, 2014

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Tornadoes in Ohio and Furniture Woes - Part Two

Happy Hump Day.

Okay, I'll admit it right up front. I'm cheating a little on your hump day funnies this week. I'm running behind on my editing and since you all seemed to really like last week's post, I'm going to give you Furniture Pet Woes - Part Two. Plus a joke or two, of course.

Before we start, I had an interesting experience this past weekend I'd like to share (part of the reason I'm behind on other things). Last week, a tornado touched down not too far from here. No causalities but it destroyed one home and did major damage to a number of others. I went out with our church disaster response team to help. The lady we were helping had quite a bit of damage to her house, which luckily insurance would take care off, but she was very concerned about her barn. This barn was built in the late 1800s and a more modern structure would probably have been flattened. As it was, the storm pealed back the metal roof like a can opener and knocked a big hole in the framework. Her immediate need was getting all the wet hay out of the wooden lofts before rot could set in. So she handed us some pitchforks and we got to work. It was the first time I'd ever used a pitchfork. I think I have a knack for it.

One crew tossed the hay from the lofts to the floor then another one moved it outside. I was in the second team. It went well until one of the upstairs crew decided to use a shovel to scrape up what was left and push it over the side - directly above where I was working. I don't want to tell you what he dumped on my head but the shower I took that night was very hot and very long. (Go ahead and laugh. My grandkids thought it was hysterical.)

We also spent some time walking the farm fields, gathering large pieces of debris - mostly tree limbs and pieces of metal siding. Biggest thing we found...a telephone pole, sheared off at its base and still trailing its wires, sitting in the middle of a bean field. We never did figure out where it had blown in from. I wish I'd gotten a picture of it for you.

Okay, let move on to your hump day funnies.

One thing we didn't cover last week was the age old problem of sectionals.




And then there are slippery chairs a poor kitty can slide right off of.



That 'slide right off of' problem seems to happen with couch cushions, too.


Why, a poor pet could disappear and be trapped forever.


It's just too horrifying to think about.

Let's switch to a joke. 

I'm picking on little old ladies again. 
(Did I tell you I just turned 65?)
 
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit. 

'May I see the new baby?' I asked. 

 'Not yet,' she said. 'I'll make coffee and we can talk for a while first.' 

 Thirty minutes passed and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?' 

 'No, not yet,' she said. 

A little while later, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?' 

'No, not yet,' replied my friend. 

 Growing impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?' 

 'When he cries.' she told me. 

'When he cries? Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?' 

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'


 Oh, come on. That was funny.

Time for your "aw".

I almost didn't use this one because it was a little blatant in the "aw" department.
But it was just too cute to pass up.


Don't you think?


Did we get there? Over the hump and coasting toward the weekend?
 I hope so.

Did you have a favorite?

Have a fantastic weekend - Memorial Day Weekend for my friends here in the States.

See you next week.

Quote for Memorial Day:

"The price of freedom is eternal vigilance."  President Thomas Jefferson

 

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Furniture Woes, PK Hrezo's New Cover, and the 2014 Write Club is Coming!!


Happy Hump Day

Here we go with some hump day funnies to get you through the week or just through the day, whenever you stop by.

My pictures today are all on the same theme: pets and people furniture. 
You know, sometimes they don't always go together.


There are cracks in the seats to slip through...


and in the backs as well.


Sometimes it's a size issue.



And sometimes...um...I'm not sure how to explain this one.


Maybe we better move on to a joke.

I'm a little old lady, so I can tell these...

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asked, 'Are you a stranger here?'

He replied, 'I lived here years ago.'

'So, where were you all these years?'

'In prison,' he said.

'Why did they put you in prison?'

He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'

'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'


Okay, let's break from the funnies for a minute for some great news. 

First, we have the cover reveal for PK Hrezo's Butterman Travel sequel,
INDUCTION DAY


The year 2069 is coming to a close, and eighteen-year-old Bianca Butterman's pilot license is finally official. She's ready for the Induction Day she’s waited for since she was a kid—the one that will secure her name on the Butterman family tree of time travelers. But ever since the media discovered Bianca is pop superstar Tristan Helms’ latest new honey, everything Bianca does or says becomes a target of criticism. Having her professional credibility topping the gossip sites across social media is an open invitation for the government to step in and regulate Bianca’s Induction. Now she will have to ask herself if saving 1500 people from drowning is worth losing everything she’s ever worked for, including the Butterman family biz.
 
Great cover and it sounds like a terrific story. You can add it to your GoodReads shelf by clicking HERE.

Congratulations, PK.


Second news item:

IT'S BACK!


DL Hammons' fabulous Write Club for 2014 is now accepting submissions.

Haven't heard about the Write Club? I'll let DL explain...

"It’s a modest writing competition whose inspiration was derived from the movie FIGHT CLUB.  There are numerous versions of this concept around the internet, but nothing like we do it here.  This unique approach, combined with your participation, continues to set it apart from the other writing competitions and is responsible for its phenomenal growth.  Its essence embodies simple, good-natured competition, with lots and lots of fun sprinkled on top. 
Over the course of eight weeks I’ll be holding twice-weekly bouts in which the winners will advance to the play-offs, which will ultimately lead to a single champion.  Bouts between who…or what…you ask.  Anonymous 500 word writing samples, submitted under a pen name by anyone who wishes to take part, that’s who.   The writing can be any genre, any style (even poetry) with the word count being the only restriction.  It’s a way to get your writing in front of a lot of readers, without having to suffer the agony of exposure. 
And the winners are determined by WRiTE CLUB readers!"


Sound like fun? Of course it does. So hop over to the Write Club site for all the details and send in your submission.         


Now, I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking I forgot your "aw". 
Never!

I'm staying with my "pets in furniture" collection but this one qualified as an "aw".


The eyes did it for me.
How about you?


That's it for today. Hope you found a smile or a chuckle or even a good old belly laugh. 
Did I get an "aw"?
Did you have a favorite?

Have a great day, week, weekend...oh heck, have a great everything.

See you next Wednesday.

Scientific Fact for Today:

The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins. 

The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
 
 

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Hump Day Funnies and a Cover Reveal for Margo Kelly

Happy Hump Day

It's a beautiful spring day here in SW Ohio and I'm about to abandon my computer for a garden that's calling my name.

But first, a little something to get you over the mid week hump.


Ever wonder what dog selfies look like?



Ellen's Oscar selfie has nothing on these.


I feel for this guy.


Don't you?

I was hunting for a good dog joke to go with today's pictures but I found this one instead.

Ever since I was a kid, I've been afraid there was someone under my bed at night. I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got a problem. Every night I think there's somebody under my bed and it spooks me so bad I can't sleep."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Three session a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?" I asked.

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it," I said.

Six months later I ran into the doctor on the street.

"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money. A bartender cured me for $10."

The doc got all huffy and said, "Is that so? How, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."


I like a simple, low cost solution.


Have you seen those People of Walmart pictures?


Nuff said.


Okay, I stayed with dog pictures for your "aw" but I have to admit it's the expession on the kid's face that got me.


Did you say it?


Now, something special. I'm pleased to be part of the cover reveal for 
WHO R U REALLY? 

Thea's overprotective parents are driving her insane. They invade her privacy, ask too many questions, and restrict her online time so severely that Thea feels she has no life at all. When she discovers a new role-playing game online, Thea breaks the rules by staying up late to play. She's living a double life: on one hand, the obedient daughter; on the other, a girl slipping deeper into darkness. In the world of the game, Thea falls under the spell of Kit, an older boy whose smarts and savvy can't defeat his loneliness and near-suicidal despair. As Kit draws soft-hearted Thea into his drama, she creates a full plate of cover stories for her parents and then even her friends.

Soon, Thea is all alone in the dark world with Kit, who worries her more and more, but also seems to be the only person who really "gets" her. Is he frightening, the way he seems sometimes, or only terribly sad? Should Thea fear Kit, or pity him? And now, Kit wants to come out of the screen and bring Thea into his real-life world. As much as she suspects that this is wrong, Thea is powerless to resist Kit's allure, and hurtles toward the same dark fate her parents feared most. Ripped from a real-life story of Internet stalking, Who R U Really? will excite you and scare you, as Thea's life spins out of control. 

About the Author:  

Margo Kelly is a native of the Northwest and currently resides in Idaho. A veteran public speaker, Margo is now actively pursuing her love of writing. Who R U Really? is her debut novel and will be published by Merit Press in September 2014. Margo welcomes opportunities to speak to youth groups, library groups, and book clubs.
 
Links:

 To celebrate the cover reveal for Who R U Really? Margo Kelly is giving away TWO Advance Reader Copies of the book! 
Visit www.margokelly.net to enter by Sunday, May 11, 2014!

Okay, that's it for this week. 
Are you over the hump and coasting toward the weekend? Excellent! 
Don't forget to visit Margo's site for a chance to win an ARC of her book.
And, of course, please say hi and let me know if anything here struck your fancy.
Have a wonderful weekend.

(I'm going to go be at one with the earth now.)

Thought for Today:

Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.