Wednesday, November 19, 2014

I Like Hump Day, But There's a Camel in My Kitchen

Happy Hump Day

There's a camel on my kitchen table.

No, he's not for hump day.  In fact there's also a donkey in my sink. A couple lambs on the floor. And Joseph, Mary, and a shepherd sitting on my kitchen chairs.

I sort of volunteered last Christmas to repaint all the figures in our church's Nativity scene. I planned to do this over the summer but...well, you all know what happened to my summer. So now I'm frantically trying to get these done so we can decorate the church on Sunday.

Yeah, yeah, you know what this is. It's my excuse for being late with your hump day post.  I would have skipped it but I promised DL Hammons after I missed a week a couple weeks ago that I'd do better. So here we go. It's gonna be short, sweet and hopefully funny.

Here's a cat photo I missed last week.


How do they do that?


Remember that blog I did a while back about blending in?


Yup, this little one's got it figure out.

Joke time...

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I gave myself a personal TSA pat down, looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered. I always call her 'honey' in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it's been stolen." 

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane's voice, "Ken, I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

"I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!"



 Oops.

Hey, here's a great tip for second graders of all ages.



This one was trying for a little creativity in the parent's signature department.



Did you know I was a techno weenie in my former life (IT Director)? We wanted to have shirts made up that said: "Have you tried rebooting?"

It made sense in the office. Maybe not so much here.





 Did you get hit with snow this week? We got about 5" with record setting cold.

I think I saw this lady...


She wasn't quite ready for winter.


And I wouldn't forget your weekly "aw".

I know we see a lot of these 'kids aad dogs sleeping together' pictures. But there was something about this one, especially the look of endless patience on the dog's face, that made it an "aw" for me.


Was it for you?

Okay, this is a post and run but I hope I came up with enough funnies to get you over the mid week hump and coasting toward a fabulous weekend.

Did any of these tickle your funny bone?

Back to my painting. Wish me luck.

And have a wonderful week. See you next Wednesday.

Quote for Today:

There are three kinds of men: Some learn by reading. Some learn by observation. The rest have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.  ~ Will Rogers

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Teenagers and Cats - Not to be Confused With Teenaged Cats


Happy Hump Day.

The theme for today is ridiculous...and the slightly scary. 

Today's photos are all cats. Cats, cats, and more cats. And since I'm a dog person, that could be the scary part - but it isn't.  The text parts of this post are simple questions and answers supposedly given by teenagers. I can't swear these are all true but even if half of them are, I fear for our future.

Let's start off with a feline photo.



Hmm. That could almost qualify as scary.

Now some Q and A's.

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie. 

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death. 

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. 

 

 

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true) 

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby. 

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (You know, like Julius Seizure)


  Okay, this is definitely scary.


 Well, isn't it?


Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome. 

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. 
  
And while we're on the subject of plants...

  
Definitely needed a bigger pot.

Okay, last three.

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
intercontinental.
 
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
 
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)
  


Whew. After those answers and contemplating our future, I think we need a good "aw".
 
 
Look at these eyes.



 Bet you said it.


And don't forget to check out DL Hammons' blogfest.
 


That's it for today. Hope it did the trick and you're over the midweek hump and sailing toward a fantastic weekend.

Did you have a favorite?

(In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that, based on my teenage grandchildren and most of their friends, I'm really quite optimistic about our future.)

See you next week.

Question for Today:
 
What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Hump Day Signs of the Times

Happy Hump Day

And - whoops - I'm afraid life tossed a whole bunch of stuff my way last week and by the time I shoveled out from under, Hump Day had come and gone. Sorry I left you to struggle over the mid-week hump without your funnies.

Lately, I've seen a bunch of signs that really tickled my funny bone, so I'm going simple with this post and just sharing them with you.

Of course, we have to start our day with some coffee.

Make that LOTS of coffee.


And I don't want to be disturbed while I'm drinking it.

I think that covers everything.


Now I need to walk the dog.

 Um, it sure looks like a walkway.


Let's try the next street.

Well, the name is certainly promising.

Can we find a good spot?

I guess not.

Maybe we'll try the park.

(Sometimes it's not the wording, it's the placement.)


Well, pooh. I guess I'll take the dog home and go buy some food for the cat.

Does this really need to be explained?


Now here's an interesting advertisement.

I think I'd be afraid to go there.
(Think about it.)


But this was my absolute favorite.

Aw, come on - you laughed.


I didn't find any signs that made me say "aw" so I have to go with a picture.
I've given you several babies with pets but how about babies with each other?


Yeah, that's what I said.


And don't forget to check out DL Hammons' blogfest.


I'm doing this one. Should be fun.


Okay, are we there? Over that dreaded mid week hump?
Excellent!
Did you have a favorite?

Have a fantastic weekend (or week or whatever) and I'll see you next Wednesday.


Thought for the Day:

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Happy Hump Day - Kids Quotes and Random Funnies

Happy Hump Day


Hi. Are you looking for some funnies to get you over the mid week hump. Well let's see what we have today.

I'm still on a bit of a kid roll so most of today's jokes are out of the mouths of babes. The pictures are just random funnies I saw this week.

Let's start with a frustrated first grader.

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"

Speaking of talking...


This one strikes a memory for me.

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says a prayer for you each night? That's very commendable.What does she say?"
 
The  little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

Anyone relate?


I think all dog parents understand this one.




 Now there is a certain logic to this one.

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We  have been learning how powerful kings and queens  were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child  blurted out, "Aces!"

 I think someone's been playing a little Texas Hold 'Em


Kids are really big on logic if you think about it.

This child was answering questions about the ocean. 

"Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers."

 Well, yeah.


This picture doesn't go with anything but it cracked me up.
 

Check out that dog's expression.

Last one.

A doctor was taking her four-year-old to preschool. The doctor's stethoscope was on the car seat and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 
 
"Be still, my heart," thought the physician, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
 
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

Oh, that's gotta hurt.

Ready for your "aw"?

How about this pair?



Can you feel the love?


That's it for today. Are you there? Over the hump and sliding down that slippery slope to the weekend?

Perfect.

Before I go, I've got to give a shout out to blog buddy DL Hammons and the



Here's a chance to share again your favorite post from earlier in the year, or maybe one that didn't get the exposure it deserved fist time around. Get all the details and sign up here
 
Have a great week. See you next Wednesday.
 
Thought for Today:
 
A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Hump Day Funnies -It's Kid's Stuff

Happy Hump Day

It's a young at heart hump day. Well, actually, just plain young. I've got all kid related funnies for you today. 

This joke came to me in an email with the subject line: Why Parents Drink.

The boss wondered why one of his employees was absent but had not phoned in sick, so he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper:
  
"Hello?"
 
"Is your daddy home?"

A small voice whispered...


"Yes, he's out in the garden."'
 
"May I talk with him?"  
"No."
 
"Well, is your Mommy there?"
 
"Yes, she's out in the garden too."
 
"May I talk with her?" 
"No."
 
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
  
"Yes, a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" 
 
"No, he's  talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog man."
 
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
 
"The search team just landed a helicopter."
 
"A search team? What are they searching for?"
 
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... 
 
"ME!"
 
 
Yup, that would be one reason

I lost my youngest one time when he was a toddler. Had the neighbors out helping me search before I found him sleeping under a piled up blanket in the dog's bed. (True story.)


In honor of all this year's new and returning zombie TV shows:

 
 

Since that first joke was a bit long, here are a couple quickies.

FROM A MOM: I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock my 5-year-old shouted from the back seat: "Mom, that lady isn't wearing her seat belt!"

FROM A POLICE OFFICER: It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner Jake started barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I  replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
 
FROM ANOTHER MOM:  While  working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly  shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of dentures soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this."
 
 
Of course, sometimes in our kids we see a shadow of things to come.
 


I think I know his father.

Here's a little memory for the young at heart (other body parts may be a bit older).


Come on, admit it.

Okay, time for your weekly "aw".

I had a lot of great pictures of kids sleeping with/on/under their pets but I liked this one. 
Reading a good book to a friend. What could be better?
 


Do you agree?

That's it for this week. Hope we got you over the mid-week hump and coasting toward a fabulous weekend.
Yes? Great!
Did you  have a favorite?
See you next week.

Dilemma of the Day: 
 I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. 

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Hump Day Blend-ins and Funnies.

Happy Hump Day

Hi. I'm squeezing in this post while I'm working on a massive project. Unfortunately, it has nothing to do with writing or querying or meeting editors' deadlines. I'm trying to put together a picture slide show for my dad's memorial service this Sunday...eighty-nine years captured in less than sixty photos. The odd thing is, my biggest problem isn't having too many pictures or not enough, it's the gaps.

My mom couldn't take a decent picture to save her life, so Dad was the family photographer. For all my growing up years - Christmases and birthdays and special events - I have tons of pictures of my mom and my brother and me, but very few of Dad. He was always behind the camera. He starts showing up in photos again about the time I got married and started taking my own pictures. It's sad because it looks like he was an absentee father when he was anything but.

So here's my word to the wise. Do you have someone in your family who takes all the family pictures? If so, try to pass that camera around so you have pictures of everyone. Someday, you'll be glad you did.

Okay, that's my public service announcement for today. Now let's get on to your hump day funnies.


 Advantages to blending in #1.
 

Hey, I wouldn't have noticed.


 Kid joke. (I love kid jokes.)

A priest was invited to attend a house party.  Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.
 
A little boy at the party kept staring at him the entire evening.  Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.
 
The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.
 
The priest asked, "Do you know why I wear this?"
 
The boy nodded.  "Uh huh. Because it kills fleas and ticks for up to three months".




  Advantages to blending in #2.


 If ya can't beat 'em...


Now from kids to married couples (you know, bigger kids).

Tom and his wife Grace were attending a marriage seminar on communication.

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes," the instructor said.

He turned to Tom. "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
 
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it, dear?


I'm glad we don't have Grace's answer.


Of course, sometimes that blending in thing doesn't quite work.


 Poor guy.


Okay, time for your weekly "aw".
And if you don't have a monster size "aw" for this little one, there's something seriously wrong.
 

 Yeah, I knew you would.

Success? Are we over that mid-week hump and sailing toward the weekend?

Excellent.

(Did you have a favorite?)

Have an outstanding week and weekend. I'll see you here next Wednesday.


 Helpful Hint for the Day:


Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Hump Day Funnies, Plus...

Happy Hump Day

Hi! Before we get to your funnies, a couple announcements. 
(Does anyone know the Cub Scout "announcements song"? I can't say that word without hearing it in my head.)

First - I'm over at The Writing Nut today giving blog buddy nutschell a peak into my writing workspace. I even straightened up a bit (shoveled out a ton of trash and carried the dirty mugs to the kitchen) for her visit so please stop by and say hi. 

Second - There a fabulous giveaway going on at Maria Zannini's.


Four winners will have a chance for a custom designed book cover, one website banner, or a bookmark/postcard. Maria is a professional graphic designer and her work is wonderful so you really should take advantage of this opportunity.

And now....on to our funnies.

I'm going to make you work this morning.


Give me a caption for this one.
(The possibilities are endless.)

Got a lawyer joke for you. 
My apologies to any attorneys (and their family or friends) who might be reading.

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road, drifted right and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now doorless Porsche with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.

After the lawyer wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief, "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "you are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!”

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. . .

"My Rolex is gone!"


I'm not sure if I should apologize for this one. But it made me laugh.


Can anyone relate?

 From lawyers to kids... 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE . God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note:

"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."


 I think we're ready for your weekly "aw".
I dare you not to "aw" for this guy.


You know you did.


Before I close, I have to take a second and wish my baby a very 
Happy 40th Birthday.


I love you, Matt.

Okay, that's it. Hope that got you over the hump and coasting toward a great weekend.

Don't forget to stop by The Writing Nut for a look at my little corner of the world and check out Maria's great giveaway.
And give me your best caption for that cat.

See you next week.

Thought for Today:

 He who hesitates is probably right.