Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Off to Church on Hump Day...Sort Of

Happy Hump Day

First, I want to thank DL Hammons again for choosing me for a blog blitz last week. It was a blast receiving comments from so many new guests. I received over 200 comments between the two blogs involved so it will take me quite a while to return all your visits but I really appreciated everyone who came by and especially those who became Followers.

On to hump day.

This has got to be the greatest hump day picture ever.


Don't you think so?

We've a lot of fun from time to time with church bulletin bloopers. 
How about these minutes from the Deacon's meeting?

The newly elected secretary for the Deacon Board at church submitted this report:
 
Deacon Meeting Minutes

October the something Deacon's meeting.
Present was most of the deacons; one was absent.
Chairman Tad asked Luke to say something, and he did.
New officers were needed; some of us were arm twisted into taking the positions. 
Some old business was remembered, and most of it had been approved. What wasn't was not important.
We tried to think of some new business, but it was decided that we're too old to be new.
Some of the deacons were getting tired so we decided to get out of the meeting.
(Secretary's note: I said I would type the meeting minutes; not that they would be worth a hoot!!)


Yup, that's the kind of minutes I'd take. 


Of course, good church goers never judge others. Including this young lady.

 A gal's gotta do what a gal's gotta do.


Hmm, I seem to have stumbled onto a theme for this post so let's go with one more "church" item.

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to Honor thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." 

I'll bet he has sisters.


I guess we've got room for one confession.

Shocking!

Okay, time your your weekly "aw".

This one may not get an immediate "aw" but take a second to enjoy her contemplation and see if you don't feel that "aw" coming on.


Did it work?

That's it for today. Did we get you there? 
Over the midweek hump and on the slippery slope to the weekend?
Excellent. My job is done.
(Did you have a favorite?)

Have a wonderful rest of your week and a fun filled weekend.
See you next Wednesday.

Really Bad Riddle for Today:

Q: What do you call a group of rabbits hopping backwards?
A: A receding hare line.

(I'm sorry.)

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Happy Hump Day - I've Been Blitzed!!!

Happy Hump Day.

I'm scrambling  a bit this morning. I was behind doing today's post due do assorted grandchildren happenings and I discovered this morning that I was the lucky recipient of a BLOG BLITZ, 


 courtesy of blogger DL Hammons. Thank you, DL. You've made my day.

Well, except now I'm bouncing between getting this post done and answering all the lovely blitzers who are leaving comments on last week's post.  A rather nice dilemma, wouldn't you say?


So, let's get on to some hump day funnies.

This one just cracked me up. No excuse.



Do you like "just the right moment, just the right angle" pictures. Here are a couple that caught my eye.



I had to look at this one twice.



This one needs some blood spatter but I feel a mystery story coming on.



I hope this is just the camera angle, but you hear stories...


You know, it's been a while since I gave you a real groaner. In celebration of my getting blitzed, I offer this one:

Smitty was a heating and cooling technician. His assistant was a small chimpanzee he had trained to do all the duct work. The chimp had no fear of heights or confined spaces, and worked for bananas.

One day, Smitty got a call from a customer who said his air conditioner had broken down. Smitty went over and discovered a problem in an air duct. The customer asked if it would be hard to repair.

"No problem," replied Smitty, "I can fix it in no time with a little duct ape." 
I know. I'm sorry.
Or maybe you prefer the one liners...
 The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen  a mall.
His will was a dead giveaway.
Okay, I'm done. I promise.
Let move on your your weekly "aw".
Do you like this one?

Some moms might not allow this but I say love is love.


That's it. Are we there yet? Over the hump and heading for the weekend?

I hope so.  Did you have a favorite?

For all my Christian friends, I wish you a joyous and blessed Easter.


Quote for Today:
Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.  ~Marcel Proust    (Thanks again, DL.)
 

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Hump Day Headlines...and More


Happy Hump Day 

I'm back. Did you miss me? Notice I was gone?

I had an interesting and rewarding time serving with our church's disaster recovery team in Union Beach, New Jersey, but I was blown away by the amount of devastation still waiting for recovery efforts a year and a half after superstorm Sandy. So many people are still without their homes or trying to live in partially repaired houses. Like many people, I'd thought the bulk of the damage had been repaired. The national media goes home and we assume the crisis is over. It isn't. Please give the people who were affected by Sandy your prayers and any support you can.

Now on to our hump day funnies.

Since I mentioned the media, how about some headlines?





Think about it a second.



Wow. They must have been desperate.



Um...duh.



But his head feels fine.



I guess that was a good day to be a nobody.



Here's a joke I heard the other day.

Man on phone to wife: "Honey, don't panic, but I got hit by a car at lunch. Paula brought me to the hospital. They've taken a bunch of X-rays and I've got three broken ribs and a compound fracture in my left leg. I've only got a minute to talk because they're taking me up for a CAT scan to check for bleeding inside my skull but I told them I had to call you."

Wife's response: "Who is Paula?"



This one just seems kinda timely:



Okay, time for your "aw". I defy anyone to look at this picture and not say it. 
Or at least feel it.


You know you did.


That's it for today. Are we there? Over the hump and on the downhill slide to the weekend? I hope so.

Did you have a favorite?

Have a great weekend and I'll see you here next Wednesday (if not at your place before then).

Question of the Day:

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Weddings and Hunters and Bye Bye for a Couple Hump Days

Happy Hump Day

Are you here for some funnies to get you over the mid-week hump? Well, that's great because I happen to have some for you.

This one will appeal more to the ladies but I think you guys can appreciate it, too.

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new wife to exchange it, but she refused.

"Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it."

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear...I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''


Here's a report of "shots fired" I'd like to see.



A friend dropped by the other day and shared this:


We had a power outage at yesterday. My PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad, iPod, and my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat, and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my husband for a few hours.

He seems like a real nice person.

Ouch, I think there's a warning in there.

I couldn't decide if this next one should be a funny or an "aw".


What do you think?


But I saved this one for your "aw".

 
I love these unlikely friendships.


I'm afraid these funnies are going to have to carry you over a couple more humps. I'm leaving this weekend with our church disaster recovery team to work on a re-build project in New Jersey. 
(Were you aware they're still re-building from super-storm Sandy out there?)
I'll be off line - except for the occasional Facebook-by-phone post - for the next two weeks. Please come back and say hi on April 9.

Hope these got you over this week's hump with maybe a little left over.
See you in a couple weeks.


Groaner for Today:

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.  
'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.  
'A golf gun? What's a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Cats, Dogs, Snow, and New Releases

Happy Hump Day

Yesterday it was 70 degrees in Dayton. The sidewalks were full of people walking, jogging, strolling with their dogs. My tulips and daffodils are up about four inches and many of the early blooming shrubs have new buds.

Right now it's snowing. Hard. Big fat flakes. With high winds and a projected low tonight of six degrees.

I think Mother Nature is seriously annoyed with us.

However, I have something good to celebrate today. The release of blog friend Stephen Tremp's new book -
ESCALATION
 The Adventures of Chase Manhattan

Don't you love this cover?


“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones” - Albert Einstein. In Escalation, the final installment to Stephen Tremp’s Breakthrough Trilogy, a seemingly innocent discovery in Einstein-Rosen Bridges, or wormholes, becomes a Pandora’s Box—opening doors to other unexpected and unpredictable realities such as parallel universes, time/space travel, and an evil hitchhiker from another dimension.

 This is a book and a series you don't want to miss.

Now - on with our hump day funnies.

First, something for you cat lovers.


This is why I have a dog. (hee hee)

But at least cats catch mice:


 That helps, right?

And we dog people have problems, too.

Note to the Dogs:
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It Is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space that you are taking up, is nothing but sarcasm.
 
Also, the proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Thank you.
Your Human

Time for your weekly "aw". 

 
 If that didn't get you, you've never rescued a friend.

 Are we there? Over the hump and sliding toward the weekend.
Wonderful!
(Did you have a favorite?) 

As I finish this, the temperature is still dropping and the wind has totally removed the dry leaves I piled around my new flowers this morning.
Sigh.

Oh, by the way, I do have my car back. Now I need a service call for my wallet.
 
Have a great week, everyone.

Quote for Today:

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Hump Day and Car Thieves

Happy Hump Day
 
I'm having a strange week. So much so that I'm going to tell you how it began as your first hump day funny.

Monday morning I get in my car, put the key in the ignition, and turn it to start the engine. Nothing. The dash displays are on and so is the XM radio, but no engine. Then I notice the message on the dash info system: "KEY NOT ACCEPTED".

Huh? I remove the key and try again. Same thing. I get out of the car and try the various buttons on the key - you know, lock, unlock. Nope they're not working either. Okay. I decide the battery inside the key must be dead so I go back inside, get my spare key, and start over. With the same results. "KEY NOT ACCEPTED".

Picture this now: I have somewhere I need to be. I'm in my own garage, sitting in my own car, using my own key, and I can't go anywhere because my stupid car thinks I'm a car thief!
 
I'm not going to share any of the things I said that morning, but it wasn't pretty.

So I'm carless this week, which makes me crazy, especially because I couldn't get to the bookstore yesterday to pick up my copy of Pearls and Poison, the new release by a favorite author of mine, Duffy Brown.





Pearls and Poison is the latest in the Consignment Shop Mysteries series. I loved the first two, Iced Chiffon and Killer in Crinolines. Can't wait to read Pearls and Poison. I highly recommend you check out all three.





Okay, I've got a joke for you. It's a tad long for a hump day post but I thought it was funny.

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer . He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One's in Arizona, the other's in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
 
The bartender admits this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine. It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.

Hasn't affected my brothers though."



Here's someone who found some fun in this too long and snowy winter.



I'm running long today so let's cut to your weekly "aw". You're going to love this one.


Admit it. You know you said it. 


That's it. Hope this got you over the hump and on the way to a great weekend. Did you have a favorite?

In case you're wondering, it was the anti-theft module in my car that failed. I'm waiting now for the new one (on order) to be installed.

Quote for Today:

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. ~ Douglas Adams.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Kids, Animals, and Idiots - Hump Day Funnies

Happy Hump Day 

Life is intruding today so I'm a little late but I wouldn't want to leave you without a few funnies to get you over the hump.


Food for thought.
 


I've still enjoying this batch of kid jokes I found last week.

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. 
Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."



This one is also true of working in IT tech support.


Another kid funny. I hope you're enjoying these.
I identified with this one.

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" 
Mentally polishing my halo, I said, "No, how are we alike?'' 
"You're both old."


You've got to love this face.




Of course, I'd never forget your "aw".
Here it is.
 

The expression on the dog's face did me in.

That's it. Hope those did the trick and got you over the mid week (or whenever you see this) hump.
Did you have a favorite?
Any plans for this weekend?

Quote for Today:

Write without pay until someone offers to pay. ~ Mark Twain