Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Happy Hump Day - Kids Quotes and Random Funnies

Happy Hump Day


Hi. Are you looking for some funnies to get you over the mid week hump. Well let's see what we have today.

I'm still on a bit of a kid roll so most of today's jokes are out of the mouths of babes. The pictures are just random funnies I saw this week.

Let's start with a frustrated first grader.

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"

Speaking of talking...


This one strikes a memory for me.

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says a prayer for you each night? That's very commendable.What does she say?"
 
The  little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

Anyone relate?


I think all dog parents understand this one.




 Now there is a certain logic to this one.

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We  have been learning how powerful kings and queens  were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child  blurted out, "Aces!"

 I think someone's been playing a little Texas Hold 'Em


Kids are really big on logic if you think about it.

This child was answering questions about the ocean. 

"Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers."

 Well, yeah.


This picture doesn't go with anything but it cracked me up.
 

Check out that dog's expression.

Last one.

A doctor was taking her four-year-old to preschool. The doctor's stethoscope was on the car seat and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 
 
"Be still, my heart," thought the physician, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
 
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

Oh, that's gotta hurt.

Ready for your "aw"?

How about this pair?



Can you feel the love?


That's it for today. Are you there? Over the hump and sliding down that slippery slope to the weekend?

Perfect.

Before I go, I've got to give a shout out to blog buddy DL Hammons and the



Here's a chance to share again your favorite post from earlier in the year, or maybe one that didn't get the exposure it deserved fist time around. Get all the details and sign up here
 
Have a great week. See you next Wednesday.
 
Thought for Today:
 
A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Hump Day Funnies -It's Kid's Stuff

Happy Hump Day

It's a young at heart hump day. Well, actually, just plain young. I've got all kid related funnies for you today. 

This joke came to me in an email with the subject line: Why Parents Drink.

The boss wondered why one of his employees was absent but had not phoned in sick, so he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper:
  
"Hello?"
 
"Is your daddy home?"

A small voice whispered...


"Yes, he's out in the garden."'
 
"May I talk with him?"  
"No."
 
"Well, is your Mommy there?"
 
"Yes, she's out in the garden too."
 
"May I talk with her?" 
"No."
 
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
  
"Yes, a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" 
 
"No, he's  talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog man."
 
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
 
"The search team just landed a helicopter."
 
"A search team? What are they searching for?"
 
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... 
 
"ME!"
 
 
Yup, that would be one reason

I lost my youngest one time when he was a toddler. Had the neighbors out helping me search before I found him sleeping under a piled up blanket in the dog's bed. (True story.)


In honor of all this year's new and returning zombie TV shows:

 
 

Since that first joke was a bit long, here are a couple quickies.

FROM A MOM: I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock my 5-year-old shouted from the back seat: "Mom, that lady isn't wearing her seat belt!"

FROM A POLICE OFFICER: It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner Jake started barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I  replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
 
FROM ANOTHER MOM:  While  working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly  shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of dentures soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this."
 
 
Of course, sometimes in our kids we see a shadow of things to come.
 


I think I know his father.

Here's a little memory for the young at heart (other body parts may be a bit older).


Come on, admit it.

Okay, time for your weekly "aw".

I had a lot of great pictures of kids sleeping with/on/under their pets but I liked this one. 
Reading a good book to a friend. What could be better?
 


Do you agree?

That's it for this week. Hope we got you over the mid-week hump and coasting toward a fabulous weekend.
Yes? Great!
Did you  have a favorite?
See you next week.

Dilemma of the Day: 
 I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. 

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Hump Day Blend-ins and Funnies.

Happy Hump Day

Hi. I'm squeezing in this post while I'm working on a massive project. Unfortunately, it has nothing to do with writing or querying or meeting editors' deadlines. I'm trying to put together a picture slide show for my dad's memorial service this Sunday...eighty-nine years captured in less than sixty photos. The odd thing is, my biggest problem isn't having too many pictures or not enough, it's the gaps.

My mom couldn't take a decent picture to save her life, so Dad was the family photographer. For all my growing up years - Christmases and birthdays and special events - I have tons of pictures of my mom and my brother and me, but very few of Dad. He was always behind the camera. He starts showing up in photos again about the time I got married and started taking my own pictures. It's sad because it looks like he was an absentee father when he was anything but.

So here's my word to the wise. Do you have someone in your family who takes all the family pictures? If so, try to pass that camera around so you have pictures of everyone. Someday, you'll be glad you did.

Okay, that's my public service announcement for today. Now let's get on to your hump day funnies.


 Advantages to blending in #1.
 

Hey, I wouldn't have noticed.


 Kid joke. (I love kid jokes.)

A priest was invited to attend a house party.  Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.
 
A little boy at the party kept staring at him the entire evening.  Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.
 
The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.
 
The priest asked, "Do you know why I wear this?"
 
The boy nodded.  "Uh huh. Because it kills fleas and ticks for up to three months".




  Advantages to blending in #2.


 If ya can't beat 'em...


Now from kids to married couples (you know, bigger kids).

Tom and his wife Grace were attending a marriage seminar on communication.

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes," the instructor said.

He turned to Tom. "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
 
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it, dear?


I'm glad we don't have Grace's answer.


Of course, sometimes that blending in thing doesn't quite work.


 Poor guy.


Okay, time for your weekly "aw".
And if you don't have a monster size "aw" for this little one, there's something seriously wrong.
 

 Yeah, I knew you would.

Success? Are we over that mid-week hump and sailing toward the weekend?

Excellent.

(Did you have a favorite?)

Have an outstanding week and weekend. I'll see you here next Wednesday.


 Helpful Hint for the Day:


Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Hump Day Funnies, Plus...

Happy Hump Day

Hi! Before we get to your funnies, a couple announcements. 
(Does anyone know the Cub Scout "announcements song"? I can't say that word without hearing it in my head.)

First - I'm over at The Writing Nut today giving blog buddy nutschell a peak into my writing workspace. I even straightened up a bit (shoveled out a ton of trash and carried the dirty mugs to the kitchen) for her visit so please stop by and say hi. 

Second - There a fabulous giveaway going on at Maria Zannini's.


Four winners will have a chance for a custom designed book cover, one website banner, or a bookmark/postcard. Maria is a professional graphic designer and her work is wonderful so you really should take advantage of this opportunity.

And now....on to our funnies.

I'm going to make you work this morning.


Give me a caption for this one.
(The possibilities are endless.)

Got a lawyer joke for you. 
My apologies to any attorneys (and their family or friends) who might be reading.

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road, drifted right and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now doorless Porsche with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.

After the lawyer wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief, "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "you are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!”

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. . .

"My Rolex is gone!"


I'm not sure if I should apologize for this one. But it made me laugh.


Can anyone relate?

 From lawyers to kids... 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE . God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note:

"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."


 I think we're ready for your weekly "aw".
I dare you not to "aw" for this guy.


You know you did.


Before I close, I have to take a second and wish my baby a very 
Happy 40th Birthday.


I love you, Matt.

Okay, that's it. Hope that got you over the hump and coasting toward a great weekend.

Don't forget to stop by The Writing Nut for a look at my little corner of the world and check out Maria's great giveaway.
And give me your best caption for that cat.

See you next week.

Thought for Today:

 He who hesitates is probably right.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Getting Back to Hump Day Funnies

Happy Hump Day

First, I want to thank everyone for your kind words, thoughts, and prayers on the passing of my dear dad. They really helped as I try to get used to life without him here. I take great comfort in knowing my mom and dad, who were together for 65 years in this life, are together again.



Now on to your funnies.

This one needs no caption.


I love those eyes.

Do you know this feeling?

Yup. Been there.


I like this joke on the age old battle of the sexes.

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." 

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."


The next two pictures have the same caption: 
Priorities.



Mindboggling.


Okay, this one's a little long but it made me laugh.

A bookie was at the races playing the ponies and doing badly. Then he noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. 
 
Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race. 
 
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses. The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. 
 
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning. The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on .
 
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was100/1.  This time the priest blessed the animal's eyes, ears, and hooves. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was and confronted him. 
 
"Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you, I've lost every cent of my savings!" 
 
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You are not Catholic are you, my son?"

"No, I'm not."  
 
"That's the problem," said the Priest. "You couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites."


Oh, come on. You laughed. Admit it.


 Time for your "aw".  Have you got one for this little family?


Yeah, me too.


That's it for today. Did we get there? Are you over the mid-week hump and coasting toward the weekend? Great.
Did you have a favorite?

I'm still playing catch up on my blog visits but I hope to get around to everyone soon.

Have a great week/weekend.


Thought for Today:



Wednesday, September 17, 2014

I Love You, Dad


The world is diminished by the passing of a great man.

 Frank Masterson
May 9, 1925 - September 10, 2014

He taught me about honesty and integrity.
 He taught me about sacrifice and taking care of others.
He taught me about laughter and embracing life even when life was hard.
But mostly, he taught me about unconditional love.

He was my dad, my hero, and I'll miss him every day of my life.

 Thank you, blog friends, for your prayers and good wishes. I got to spend a lot of time with my dad these last few weeks and I was holding his hand when God called him home. 

I plan to resume my regular blogging and visiting next week. Hope to see you then.


Quote for Today:

To her the name of father was another name for love. ~ Fanny Fern


Thursday, August 28, 2014

Just Stopping By...

Um, happy day-after-hump-day.

I'm just stopping by to thank everyone for your prayers and good wishes during these past couple of weeks. I want to give you an update, share a happening, and offer some slightly overdue hump day funnies.

Just after my last post, Hospice told us to gather the family to say goodbye to my dad. I guess Dad was enjoying everyone's visits because he rallied and is still with us. We're treating every day as a special gift from God and, naturally, I'm spending as much time as I can with him, so my online activities will be limited for a while yet.  Please continue to send prayers and good thoughts for Dad and all of us who love him.

My dad, my brother, and me.


In between visits to Dad's, I managed to attend the Killer Nashville mystery writers' conference last weekend. It was great. Kudos to everyone connected with the conference. While there, I had an opportunity to share a couple pages of my book at a roundtable session which resulted in a request from an agent for the full manuscript. I'll admit it, I'm excited. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Should I even mention that just before Dad got sick, my beloved spouse and I contracted for some renovation work in our home?  I'm also juggling not being here to answer questions when I'm at Dad's and dealing with a house full of workers when I'm home. Oh well...

Okay, as promised - your hump day funnies.

I did a post with "dog selfies" a while back. How about this one?


Oh come, that's funny.

Little old lady joke (you know why I get to tell these).

A Highway Patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car and was astounded to see that the little old lady behind the wheel was knitting. Realizing she was oblivious to his siren and flashing lights, he lowered his window and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
 
"No," she yelled back. "It's a scarf."

Here's a good one to follow all that yelling.
 

Very, very true.

I like this next one.

THE  LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
 A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't memorize the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was strangely calm. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 
 
"The Lord is my Shepherd...and that's all I need to know."
 
Yup. That's about it.

 
And, of course, I wouldn't forget your "aw".
Check out these eyes.



I'm going to admit to a personal connection to this one. My Dad's dogs have always slept on the bed with him but he had to trade his regular bed for a hospital style one and the dogs don't understand. This is the expression I see on their faces. It's an "aw" every time.

Okay, that's it for today. A little late for hump day but hopefully you're racing toward a glorious weekend.

I'll do my best to answer comments here and try to visit when I can but if I don't make it to your place, I know you'll understand.
 
Take care.
 
 
Thought for Today: 
 
One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.