Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Can I Get a Favor?

My apologies to my blog friends, but I have no funnies for you. I didn't get a post prepared in advance and I can't do one today. Instead, I'd like to ask for a favor. For my friends of faith, would you offer prayers for my daughter-in-law Kim? She's in the hospital and hasn't been able to keep any kind of food, even clear liquids, down for the past ten days. Her doctors have ruled out a bunch of possible causes but still don't have a diagnosis, so they're not sure how to treat this. I think we need to bring in the big guns -  more prayers.

I should mention that Kim is the mom of my grandson Drake who is graduating next week and leaving for Marine boot camp the week after. It's never a good time to be hospitalized but the timing on this one really stinks.  To put a face to the name, here's Kim with her husband Matt and Drake before prom.


 Again, I'm sorry not to have any hump day funnies for you today. I wish everyone a great week and a wonderful weekend.

Thank you.



Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Rings and Things and Hump Day Funnies

Happy Hump Day

As a followup to last week's post, I'm sorry to tell you that I did not find my engagement ring and I'm resigning myself to the idea that it's gone for good. On a more upbeat note, I have managed to hang onto the guy who gave me that ring and we're celebrating our 48th anniversary today. 


Happy Anniversary, honey.


I'm also delight to reveal this cover for DAY OF THE DARK.


Twenty-four stories by some wonderful authors, 
coming July 21 from Wildside Press.
(Yes, including one of mine.)


Now on to your hump day funnies.
Let's start with a joke.

It was New Year's Eve and my husband and I were doing the town. We turned on a night light, covered the parakeet's cage, and put the cat in the backyard. To avoid any DUI problems, we called a taxi, but when the taxi arrived and we opened the door, the cat scooted back inside.

This is a problem because if we leave the cat in the house, she goes after the bird. I went out to the cab while my husband went inside to get the cat. I'm always nervous about letting people know our house is going to be empty so I told the cabbie, "My husband will be right out. He's just gone upstairs to say goodnight to my mother.”

A few minutes later, my husband climbed into the cab. ”Sorry I took so long,” he said, as we drove away. “She was hiding under our bed again. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the scruff of the neck but I still had to wrap a blanket around her to keep her from scratching me. I tell you, she can be a real hell-cat sometimes. But I managed to haul her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!”

The cab driver hit a parked car.



I know. That was awful. 
But it made me laugh. What can I say?

Saw an interesting ad the other day...


Um...huh?

Here's a quickie.

A little boy asked his grandmother, "Nana, how old are you?"
"Thirty-nine and holding," she replied.
He thought for a minute then asked, How old would you be if you let go?"


How about a couple thoughts to ponder this week?

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
 
 
Okay, time for your "aw". 

I've seen this one a couple places so you may have seen it before
but my heart always breaks for this poor guy.
look at those eyes.


I sure hope they didn't make him
 wait too long for that hot dog. 


That's all for today. Did we get you there? Over the hump and on the fast slope to the weekend? I hope so. Did you have a favorite?

To all the moms here in the U.S., have a very Happy Mother's Day. And to all moms, step-moms, grandmoms, great-grandmoms, and everyone who has ever been in the role of mom, even for a little while, have a wonderful Mother's Day weekend. You've earned it.
 
 
Thought for the Day:
 
Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, "No way. That can't be right."


Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Hump Day Funnies from the London Tube

Happy Hump Day


Actually, it's not a happy day for me. I discovered yesterday that the engagement ring I've been wearing for the past 49 years (alongside my wedding band for 48) has disappeared. I've spent the last twenty-four hours unsuccessfully searching for it, hence this late and rather limited post. But I didn't want to neglect you so I'm offering these...Funnies from the London Tube.

These came to me with the claim that all were actually said by London train drivers to their passengers. If they are, they're fabulous. If not, they're still worth a chuckle. Try to hear the appropriate voice (accent) as you read them.


"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad  news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."


"We are now traveling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

"Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided." 

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."


By the way, I'm claiming the right to share jokes about our British friends the same way I do for little old lady jokes. My Dad immigrated to the States with his parents from England and I still have family across the pond.   

Jumping straight to your "aw".
This one needs no words



 You know you said it.


That's it for today. Was it enough? Are you over the mid-week hump? I hope so. Wouldn't want to leave you stuck there.

I have to go back to my search now. Wish me luck.See you next week.

Thought for Today:

It's not the value of an item but the memories tied to it that matter.