Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Three Jokes and Over the Hump

Happy Hump Day

Late last night I typed two of the sweetest words an author can type: THE END
Sure, now starts the editing and the fine tuning but still...I feel good.

I know many of you are participating in the A to Z Challenge and have a lot of blogs to hit today 
so for your hump day post, I'm giving you these three classic jokes. 

I hope you like them.

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 

"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" 

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. 

The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good. The best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing. 

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says........................ 

"Grandpa......... Go home."

* * *

I finally got around to going fishing this morning, but after a while, I ran out of worms. Then, I saw a  Cottonmouth, with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good  bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in  my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. I  grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His  eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without  incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake....
 with two frogs in his mouth.
* * *

Father O'Malley  answers the phone. 
'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'  
 'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?' 
 'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' 
 'I do!'
 'Is he a member of your congregation?' 
 'He is!' 
 'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' 
 'He will.'

Of course, no hump day post would be complete with a good "aw".

Yeah, that did the trick.

Okay, did those do it? Did I get you over the mid week hump? Yes? Okay, my work here is done.
Did you have a favorite?
Thought for the Day:

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?


Karen Walker said...

Congratulations, LD. You and I are in the same wonderful boat.

mooderino said...

Well done on getting to the end. Now, back to the beginning!

Moody Writing

Maria Zannini said...

Congrats, hon. I'll bet baby labor was easier than delivering this book.

Loved the jokes. The first one is a classic, but it still makes me laugh out loud.

LD Masterson said...

Karen - Hey, congrats to you, too.

Mood - Oh yeah, but parts of this puppy have been re-written a bunch of times already so I'm getting close to the final polishing.

Maria - Much easier. At least the boys didn't keep climbing back into my womb yelling 'not good enough, try again'.

Stacy McKitrick said...

Congratulations on finishing!! Yay!!

Now you can get to work on the next one - ha ha!

No favorite of the three. They were all good.

Linda G. said...

LOL! Love those classics. Also, awwww.

And congrats on typing THE END! It's a wonderful feeling. Enjoy it. :)

Mark Means said...

LOL! Great jokes and thanks for the morning laugh.

Congrats on finishing your've gotten farther than me! :)

Best of luck with the edits.

Julie Flanders said...

Congratulations to you, that's awesome!! Yay!!
And I love the jokes and especially the Aww moment. I never tire of animal pics. <3

nutschell said...

that is a great "aw!" Congrats on finishing the book. I didn't do the AZ this year so I could finish on rewriting :)

Eve said...

Hey LD! Loved this! I've often thought of that stupid expression, "Free Gift"...another one that bugs me is, 'mandatory donation'....if a donation is mandatory, then it's a price! Why can't they just say that?! Instead, we get stupid sentences like, "With a mandatory donation of $10.00 you will receive the free gift of a hat."
Congrats on the book!!- That's wonderful!

Robin said...

THE END is a major accomplishment. Yay for you!!!!

LD Masterson said...

Hi everyone. Sorry to be slow replying today. My eleven year old granddaughter is on spring break and we spend the day doing "girl things" together (shopping, lunch, etc.)

Stacy - Um, no, now my beta readers get it while I start seriously working on my query list.

Linda G. - Thanks. I'm going to feel good for a day then get back to work.

Mark - Stay with it. You'll get there.

Julie - They always make the best aw's.

Nutschell - That's pretty much why I didn't sign up for the A to Z. I knew I wouldn't get anything else done all month.

Eve - There's a used car guy here that advertises he will "beat the other guy's price by at least five hundred to eight hundred dollars". I want to scream at the TV. You don't use "at least" with a price range. It's either at least $500 or at least $800. Argh!

Robin - Thanks. It was nice to get there.

Al Diaz said...

Hahaha. The biker one has to be my favorite! And the picture did made me smile. Yes, your mission is accomplished! :D

Al Diaz said...


Carol Kilgore said...

Thanks. I needed that :)

Tara Tyler said...

awww! tripled!
and my favevis the last one. he will!

LD Masterson said...

Al - Ah, success. And thank you.

Carol - My pleasure.

Tara - Yeah, that one got me. Great last line.

Clarissa Draper said...

Well, first of all, congrats on getting to the end.

Great jokes!

LD Masterson said...

Clarissa - Thanks, on both.

Barbara White Daille said...

Hi, LD - I'm visiting from AtoZ.

I loved all the jokes, but #1 had me in tears. And yes I aww-w-w-ed at the photo.

Congrats on typing THE END! It's the best feeling, isn't it?

D is for: Deadlines
The Daille-y News

Barbara White Daille said...

Oh, and I just caught the Thought for the Day.

Yes, that "free gift" thing always bothers me, too.

D is for: Deadlines
The Daille-y News

Patricia Stoltey said...

You mentioned your little Sophie Cat on my blog and I had to stop by and let you know our own Katie Kitty was the model for my post. She's a darling friend, though, and we love her to death.

Susan Gourley/Kelley said...

I typed 'the end' last weekend. It is very satisfying. Thanks for the laughs. Now I feel ready to start the weekend.

Liz Fichera said...

Congratulations on reaching "The End." That is indeed a monumental achievement. Celebrate it! :)

P.S. Loved the IRS joke.

LD Masterson said...

My apologies, my friends - I missed these last round of comments.

Barbara - I'm delighted you stopped by. Hope you'll come back again.

Patricia - Oops, I guess I need to Sophie is a dog. She's a little Jack Russell terrier we adopted last year. She's about six years old and came to us with some... shall we say emotional baggage.

Susan - I think we exchanged our mutual "the end" congratulations on another post but it definitely feels good.

Liz - Thanks. I did...with ice cream. Yum.