A Diller of a Hump Day

Happy Hump Day

And here we go with a few funnies to help you over the mid-week hump.

 This one just cracked me up. I don't know why.

Someone sent me an e-mail of one liners from the late great Phyllis Diller.

Here are some of my favorites.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

The best way to get rid of kitchen odors is to eat out.

 I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford, and then I want to move in with them.

 His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

My photographs don't do me justice; they just look like me.

There's so little money in my bank account that my scenic checks show a ghetto.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Of course, the lines just aren't the same without Phyllis Diller's famous laugh. 

Take a second and listen.

Wasn't she something?

Here's a Romeo with a small problem.

Speaking of problems...

Did you notice the title of the book?

Now for my favorite part...your hump day "aw."

You know you said it.

Did that do it?  Have you giggled, chuckled, or even laughed your way over the hump and onto the downhill slope to the weekend?  Well, I hope you did and I hope your weekend is a great one.

As always, I'd love to hear what tickled your fancy.

Everyone seems to be enjoying the riddles lately so here are a few more.

Riddles for Today:

1 - In California, you can't take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

2 - Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg is white." or "The yolk of the egg are white."

(the last one's an old favorite silly of mine)

3 - Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow?

A Whole New Me...Sort Of.

Like many women, I've had more than one last name. For the first twenty years of my life, it was Masterson - same as my parents and my brother.  Then I married that guy with the strange Polish name and for the next forty-four years my name has been the same as his, and our sons, daughters-in-law, and grandkids (in that order). Those of you who were with me before I renamed this blog in August 2011 knew me by that other name.

Then I was advised by people in the know not to use that unspellable, unpronounceable name for my writing, so I decided to go back to Masterson. It felt strange, to say the least. I started out by compromising - using both names with either an "A.K.A." or a "Writing As" tossed in.  I set up a web site, printed business cards, and created an author "fan" page on Facebook, all with both names.

But it's time to cut the cord. This weekend I set up a new Facebook page as just LD Masterson. Many of you have already accepted friend requests (THANK YOU!!!).  I'm getting some business cards that only have one name.  I'm attending a writers' conference in July and I'm going to try very hard to introduce myself as LD Masterson, and to remember to answer if someone addresses me that way..

It's awkward. Forty-four years, after all.

I know some of you have dealt with this multiple names thing. Any suggestions on how to get used to it? 

By the way, I decided to go with a Facebook personal page instead of a fan page because I prefer having Friends to Likes. If you're on Facebook and  I haven't sent you a Friend Request yet (I'm still working on it) please send me one. It's www.facebook.com/ld.masterson.9.  I'm not sure what the "9" is about - there aren't eight other ld masterson pages out there - but Facebook wants it so who am I to argue?

Do you like my initial profile picture?

 

I'm the one wearing glasses. 

And, yes, the other guy is wearing bullet holes.

Thanks to everyone who played along with last Wednesday's riddles. Just to confirm for those of you who kept your answers to yourself and those who left them in your comments, here are the official answers:

Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May.  What was the third child's name?  Johnny

What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly? Incorrectly

Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.  How is this possible?  He lives in the Southern Hemisphere.

Thought for Today:

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Hump Day Funnies

Happy Hump Day

Here we go! It's Wednesday and I have some funnies to help you over the midweek hump.

Today's pictures have a nice murder mystery feel. 

I wonder what he did land on.

I always like a nice confession.

Uh oh. There's going to be trouble here.

And here's a little mini-mystery for you...

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients in a certain bed always died on Sunday morning, around11:00 A.M., regardless of their medical condition.  This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why these deaths occurred around 11:00 A.M. Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday
morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.  

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. 

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Fernando Rodriguez , the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system...so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

I didn't  forget your "aw".  In fact, I'm going wild today - I'm giving you two.

Here's the first...

In case you can't read it, it says, "Even baby elephants need a hug now and then."  Makes perfect sense to me.

And if that one doesn't push your "aw" button, I dare you to resist this one...

 You know you said it.

I hope that did the trick and we're got you over the mid week hump and on the gentle slope toward the weekend.  If you liked any or all, please leave me a comment. 

Since I've dropped my Friday post, let me wish you a very happy weekend - when it gets here.

And as promised, here's a couple more riddles.

Riddles for Today: 

Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May.  What was the third child's name?

What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.  How is this possible?

Monday Morning Mish-mash

First, thanks to everyone who tried Friday's riddles. Here are the official answers.

1 - There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

He weighs meat. He's a butcher.

2 - Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Mt. Everest.  I didn't ask for the tallest "discovered" mountain. 

 3 - How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

None. A hole is an empty space.

Did everyone have a good weekend? I did. I got to celebrate Father's Day with my dad. He lives out of state so it's always a treat for me when we get together.

Can you see the family resemblance? Hint: it's in the caps.

One of the many things  I enjoy about this time of year is the return of those summer cable TV shows. I remember when summer meant nothing but re-runs. Now it's a whole second season. My favorite summer shows are Burn Notice (sadly in its final season), Rizzoli and Isles,  Major Crimes, Covert Affairs, and Suits.  How about you? Do you have any summer TV favorites.

News flash: I just found out a non-fiction piece I wrote has been selected for publication in an upcoming Chicken Soup for the Soul.  Can I get a woo woo?

I've got to post and run. It's going to be one of those days. I'll be around to visit everyone this evening or tomorrow morning.

Thoughts for Today:

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice when you put "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs"?

Flights of Fiction now available for Kindle and Nook

I've got some good news today. 

 

Flights of Fiction

 is now available for the Kindle and the Nook.

 The links for all versions - including signed copies - are on the right sidebar.

Now for some less exciting news.

Like many writers, I started blogging to support my writing - networking with other writers and hopefully building a small fan base. Unfortunately, I seem to be spending more time lately on blogging, including visiting and commenting on the blogs I follow, then I am writing.  I'm sure this is due to some serious inefficiency on my part but until I get a better handle on my time management, I need to make a change. 

This will be my last regular Friday blog. Starting next week, I'll be posting and visiting on Monday and Wednesday only.  I hope you'll continue to visit me on those days.

Looking ahead to this weekend,

I want to send a

Happy Father's Day 

to my favorite dads.

From right to left:

my dad, my husband (my sons' dad), and my sons (my grandkids' dads).

I love you all.

I'll get to wish my dad a Happy Father's Day in person - he's coming for the weekend. How about you? Any Father's Day celebrations? Any other fun plans for the weekend?

Riddles for Today:

1 - There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
2 - Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
3 - How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

(answers on Monday)

Assorted Hump Day Funnies Just for You

Happy Hump Day

How did you ever get over the mid-week hump the last couple weeks without me?

Well, wait no more - I've got an assortment of funnies for you this morning.

First, a photo to make you go, "Huh?"  Check out the product label.

 Think someone should tell them?

Here's a joke in honor of my husband...who could definitely be this guy.

A man and his wife walk into a dentist's office.    

The man says to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry.  I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic. I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!”

 “But, sir…” the dentist began.
          
“No buts. We have a 10:00AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for anesthetic!”'

The dentist is a little taken aback at pulling the tooth without using anything to kill the pain but he yields to the man’s wishes.  "All right, sir.  Which tooth is it?"
 

The man turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth, honey, and show him."  

 Well, maybe not. But I make a point of driving myself to the dentist.

 How about another head-scratcher?

 

 Um, which way should I go?

This next joke's in honor of my old home town of Boston. (Go Red Sox!)

  

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", but  none could say "Truck."

 My friends from the south may not get that one.

 This picture could almost qualify as a Groaner.

And, of course, I didn't forget your "aw".

 Does this little guy make you say it? 

He definitely got me.

Okay, did those do it for you? Over the hump and on the easy slope to the weekend?

Perfect.

Did you have a favorite?

Definition of the Day:

TYPE-BLINDNESS: The inability to recognize a typo in your e-mail until you’ve pushed the "Send" button.

Look Where I've Been

Hi. As usual, I'm later getting back to my blog than I promised. It always takes me awhile to get back into the swing of things. Hope everyone had a great couple of weeks while I was gone.

That vacation I told you I was going on was an Alaskan Cruise. We had a wonderful time and since I happen to have a blog, I'm going to share a couple classic vacation pictures. (Aw, come on. I'll look at yours.)

First, just a couple shots taken from the ship. I wish these pictures did the scenery justice. It was breathtaking.

 The next one was taken from inside the helicopter that took us to the top of the Mendenhall glacier. We had to go over those mountains ahead of us. I'm not sure my stomach made it.

 

Here's the helicopter lifting off after depositing us on the glacier.

  

 

And here's a little piece of the glacier.

 

 The top of the glacier is broken by numerous cracks or fissures. The ice deep inside the fissure is bright blue. This is because the lower ice is so compressed by the glacier, it can only reflect one part of the light color spectrum.

 

 We also took a ride on the White Plains Railroad which was built during the Alaskan Gold Rush. I got this picture of the front of the train from our car as we went around a curve, but I tried not to look straight down.

 Here's the sea plane we took into the Misty Fjords. The couple with us was my big brother and my sis-in-law. This trip was extra special to me because it was the first time my brother and I vacationed together since we were kids. (A really long time ago.)

 We did see some wildlife but only this guy hung around long enough for me to get his picture. 

Okay, that's all. Thanks for letting me share.

I have one other picture but it's not of our vacation. Yesterday, I attended a lovely brunch at the home of author Duffy Brown, hosted by Tonya Kappes, Nancy Naigle and of course, Duffy.  Just wanted to say thanks again, ladies. It was delightful.

I have some other bits of news but nothing that can't wait till next time. I need to get moving so I can visit all of you and see what everyone's been up to.  It's nice to go away but always nice to come back.

Thought for the Day:

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. 

(yes, this thought was prompted by the non-stop eating we did on the cruise)