Not My Fault

I'm sorry, I know I owe you some new funnies but I hit a detour.

Guess where I am.

Yup. And this definitely wasn't in my gameplan.

No gory details, but I maybe be offline for a bit. Posting on Blogger by phone is a pain. And I'm dealing with enough of those.

You all be good and I'll be back as soon as I can. 

Thought for Today:

You're going to stick that where?!?

As Promised - Just Funnies

Hey! I've been promising you an all-funnies post for a couple weeks now and here it is.

Well, one personal note... my grandson was over last night and we watched the season premiere of American Horror Story on TV. We were a couple minutes late and the dog started without us. He shouldn't watch those things alone.

You may remember I claim the right to tell little old lady jokes because I am one. I like this one: 

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the seniors' special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "but I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.

 "I'm afraid so," said the waitress.

 "I'll take the special then," my wife said. 

"How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake."

Yup, that's what I'd do.


You know, I shouldn't let that dog watch so much TV, but it does keep him out of trouble. I hate to keep posting these...

And I mean the big cruisers, not just the little X wings.

 How about a little something to exercise your brain and not just your funny bone. Try this...

A farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his three sons.  When his sons opened up the Will it read: 

My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total horses; 
My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses; 
My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses.

As it's impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons decided to go to a farmer friend who they considered quite smart, to see if he could work it out for them. The farmer friend read the Will patiently, after giving due thought, he brought one of his own horses over and added it to the 17. That increased the total to 18 horses.

Now, he divided the horses according to their father's will.

Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 horses.
1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 horses.
1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 horses.

Now add up how many horses they have:

Eldest son 9
Middle son 6
Youngest son 2
TOTAL = 17

Now this leaves one horse over, so the farmer friend takes his horse back to his farm.
Problem solved!

Um, can you run that one by me again???

Let's switch from math to English.

Yeah, I know you did.

Here's a little mechanical funny:

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."

 Well, she tried to tell him...

Okay, here' s your "aw" for today. I dare you not to say it for this guy.

Don't you want to run and get him another one?

That's it. Did you find a chuckle in here somewhere? A giggle? A good old LOL?

I hope so. Did you have a favorite?

Have a great weekend and I'll see you next week.

Thought For Today:  

 

Crystal Collier's TIMELESS - Cover Reveal

In my very late post on Friday, I told you I'd have a special post today and here it is. Check out the cover reveal of my good friend Crystal Collier. And don't miss the giveaway.

TIMELESS (#3 Maiden of Time) by Crystal Collier #CoverReveal

Book Title: TIMELESS (Maiden of Time #3)

Author: Crystal Collier

Genre: YA Paranormal Historical

Release Date: November 1, 2016

TIME IS THE ENEMY

In 1771, Alexia had everything: the man of her dreams, reconciliation with her father, even a child on the way. But she was never meant to stay. It broke her heart, but Alexia heeded destiny and traveled five hundred years back to stop the Soulless from becoming.

In the thirteenth century, the Holy Roman Church has ordered the Knights Templar to exterminate the Passionate, her bloodline. As Alexia fights this new threats, along with an unfathomable evil and her own heart, the Soulless genesis nears. But none of her hard-won battles may matter if she dies in childbirth before completing her mission.

Can Alexia escape her own clock?

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Crystal Collier is an eclectic author who pens clean fantasy/sci-fi, historical, and romance stories with the occasional touch of humor, horror, or inspiration. She practices her brother-induced ninja skills while teaching children or madly typing about fantastic and impossible creatures. She has lived from coast to coast and now calls Florida home with her creative husband, four littles, and friend (a.k.a. the zombie locked in her closet). Secretly, she dreams of world domination and a bottomless supply of cheese. You can find her on her Blog, Facebook, Goodreads, or follow her on Twitter.

Want the first chapter free? 

Sign up HERE.

Fair warning - if you read the first chapter of TIMELESS, plan on reading the whole story because I can guarantee, you won't be able to stop there.

I'll be back with your funnies later this week. See you then.

Quote for Today:

“Time is the longest distance between two places.”
― Tennessee Williams, The Glass Menagerie 

 

Re-building Flood Damaged Homes in W VA

I promised to tell you a little about our home re-build in West Virginia. You probably know that several towns in W VA suffered terrible floods last spring. A couple weeks ago, some members of the Miami Valley (Ohio)  Disaster Recovery Team went over to lend a hand. Our team is made up of members from a number of area churches and works through UMCOR, the United Methodist Committee on Relief.

If you've never experienced a serious flood, the critical time for saving a home is the first days after the water recedes. Everything that was under water that can't be dried and sanitized has to be thrown away. This includes upholstered furniture, mattresses, rugs, etc. Anything electric, including appliances, are usually ruined. Carpet and a most of types of flooring have to be taken up and discarded, and drywall/sheet rock has to be cut out to above the waterline, otherwise black mold will set in and the house will become uninhabitable.  Sadly, the first step of the recovery appears to destroy more than the flood waters did.

When the rebuild team arrives, we usually find the home looking like this.

Actually, we had just finished laying that plywood sub-floor before I took that picture. 

That nail gun had quite a kick to it. 

After we get the floors in, it's time for the walls.

We got them installed and mudded (seams covered and walls ready for painting).

We did meet some interesting residents but we left each other alone.

Yes, those are little bats. 

Here are the bigger bats.

 

 This is part of the crew that worked that week.

Most of us are retired seniors who aren't ready for the old rocking chair quite yet.

(Before you ask, no I didn't cut off my fingers and stuff them in my pocket.)

I'd like to show you the finished home but I rarely get to see one. We work by the tag team method. A team goes to a house, gets as much work done as they can then goes home, and another team arrives and picks it up from there. Our week was mostly sub-floors and walls. Sometimes the home owner will take it from there if they have the resources to finish it off. One way or the other, our goal is to get people back into their homes. It's a pretty good way to spend a week.

Well dang it, I've done it again. I let the "personal sharing" part of this post get too long so I have to cut the funnies to a minimum.  How about a good joke? 

A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
 
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to £10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. In a few minutes he returned. "T' would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said. "The wife says it's okay. I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

Sounds fair to me.

This picture has nothing to do with this post whatsoever

 but I came across it recently and it cracked me up.

Hey, we've all been there, right?

Oh. 

Sorry.

Maybe I'd better go straight to your "aw".

You know, it's easy to get an "aw" with a little sad face.

Add a tear and it's a sure thing.

But what about this adorable smile?

Come on, you know you said it.

I hope some of you stop by this weekend because this post is getting bumped on Monday. I've got something special coming on that day so please come back.

Have a fantastic weekend.

Puzzler for Today:  

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

  

Killer Nashville and Ambushing Agents

You may remember I skipped last week's post because I was going directly from the Killer Nashville mystery writers' conference to doing disaster re-build work in West Virginia. I want to tell you about both but to keep things reasonable, I'll just focus on Killer Nashville today. And, of course, your required dose of funnies.

Killer Nashville is a great writers conference. Great speakers, informative classes and panel discussions, wonderful networking opportunities, and a fair number of agents/editors roaming about and accepting pitches. If you want to read about the specifics, check our their website here.  I even got to meet megastar author Janet Evanovich.

She was a wonderful speaker and a very gracious lady.

But what I was really hoping for was to come home with a couple "invites" from agents to submit pages.

I was ready. I practiced my "elevator pitch" for six hours on the drive down, plus my follow up, in case anyone said, "Tell me more." I was signed up for one round table (eight authors each read two pages of their work to two agents who give pointers for improvement and maybe an invite to submit) so I knew I'd get to pitch to at least two agents, but I wanted to increase my odds. This was the year I was finally going to pursue, stalk, ambush...anything short of passing pages under the door of a restroom stall, I was game. At least that was the plan.

My first morning I found myself in the buffet breakfast line next to one of my top agents picks. I wished him a good morning and identified myself as an author in "full pitch mode".  I didn't have to be very skilled at reading body language to tell this guy was not open to pitches at breakfast. So I told him I wouldn't think of bothering him so early in the morning but I hoped when he saw me later in the day, he'd remember me as the author who did NOT ambush him at breakfast. Naturally, I never ran into him again.

Later that day (Friday), I spotted one of the agents who would be in my round table going into lunch and followed her in. Managed to sit right next to her. Perfect pitch opportunity. I waited until others were seated and we were starting our salads. Just as I turned to engage her, the writer on her other side jumped in. I guess that person had never heard of the quick pitch. She managed to monopolize the agent's attention through the main course and into dessert. Finally...my turn. And the emcee got up to introduce our guest speaker.

My round table was Saturday morning. At least, I knew I've have my chance here. One of these agent was my first pick, the one I really hoped to get an invite from. I handed my pages to the moderator who handed them to the agents. And knocked a glass of ice water into my first pick's lap! So I got to read my pages to a woman sitting in a puddle of ice water. Not the circumstances I was hoping for. She was great though. Shivered her way through my reading, gave me feedback, and invited me to send her my first fifty pages. Yay! The other agent at the session gave me some kind words but said the paranormal element in my story made it a no-go for her.

By Saturday evening, I had just one "invite".  I'd be leaving mid-morning Sunday and I was feeling desperate. I roamed the evening mixer and spotted an agent I knew from a conference a few years ago. I plotted an intercept course, timed my stroll perfectly, and pounced - with all the subtlety of a water buffalo - but she very kindly gave me an invite to send pages.

Sunday morning breakfast. I was a little disappointed I hadn't done better in my pitch quest. I fell into conversation with a woman I didn't know while we waited for our toast to pop. Just small talk. I don't even remember how she came to identify herself as an agent but she did. I asked if I could do my quick pitch, she agreed, and I had another invite. Wow, I totally stumbled onto that one.

There was one more round table that morning. It was full but I decided to stop by and see if there were any no-shows. One of the agents there was the one I'd ambushed the night before, the other was on my hopeful list. I waited until I could see there would be no empty spots then I ran over, knelt between the two agents' chairs, and told agent A that I'd been trying to pitch her all weekend and that agent B was accepting pages from me so she should, too. No pitch at all. She laughed, gave me her card, and said okay.

So I came home with invitations to submit pages to four agents and I'm feeling like quite the experienced (if not the smoothest) conference pitcher. Now comes the hard part. Will any of them want to see more? Cross your fingers for me.

And since you stuck with me through all that - here are your funnies! (But just a few since I'm running so long.)

Some thoughts to ponder...

 

I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, " Sag Harbor ."
 

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195 lbs. I've gained.

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need.....not all this, "how did you get in my house" business!

I think that last one could be the start of a great mystery, don't you?

I want this person at my next pot luck.

Who needs salad?

Okay, I need help here.

Who gets the "aw" for today?

This pair...

Or this pair? 

Vote in your comment.

Gotta run before this post gets too big to load. Thanks for stopping by. I'll be around to visit everyone as soon as I can. 

Have a wonderful Labor Day weekend, for my friends in the States. For everyone else - hey, have a wonderful regular old weekend.  See you next week.

Thought for Today: 

~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.