Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Hump Day Funnies, Plus...

Happy Hump Day

Hi! Before we get to your funnies, a couple announcements. 
(Does anyone know the Cub Scout "announcements song"? I can't say that word without hearing it in my head.)

First - I'm over at The Writing Nut today giving blog buddy nutschell a peak into my writing workspace. I even straightened up a bit (shoveled out a ton of trash and carried the dirty mugs to the kitchen) for her visit so please stop by and say hi. 

Second - There a fabulous giveaway going on at Maria Zannini's.

Four winners will have a chance for a custom designed book cover, one website banner, or a bookmark/postcard. Maria is a professional graphic designer and her work is wonderful so you really should take advantage of this opportunity.

And now....on to our funnies.

I'm going to make you work this morning.

Give me a caption for this one.
(The possibilities are endless.)

Got a lawyer joke for you. 
My apologies to any attorneys (and their family or friends) who might be reading.

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road, drifted right and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now doorless Porsche with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.

After the lawyer wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief, "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "you are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!”

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. . .

"My Rolex is gone!"

I'm not sure if I should apologize for this one. But it made me laugh.

Can anyone relate?

 From lawyers to kids... 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE . God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note:

"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

 I think we're ready for your weekly "aw".
I dare you not to "aw" for this guy.

You know you did.

Before I close, I have to take a second and wish my baby a very 
Happy 40th Birthday.

I love you, Matt.

Okay, that's it. Hope that got you over the hump and coasting toward a great weekend.

Don't forget to stop by The Writing Nut for a look at my little corner of the world and check out Maria's great giveaway.
And give me your best caption for that cat.

See you next week.

Thought for Today:

 He who hesitates is probably right.


Susan Gourley/Kelley said...

Happy Birthday to your son. He doesn't look 40. Now that we have a lawyer in the family we quietly laugh at lawyer jokes.

Mason Canyon said...

Happy Birthday to Matt, hope he has a wonderful day. I thought the lawyer joke was great and then came the kid's joke - hard to pick the best one.

LD Masterson said...

Susan - Yeah, he's a big kid at heart, too. I'll find a different profession for the joke next time.

Mason - Glad you liked the jokes. But no one has offered a caption for the cat photo. It just screams for a caption.

Maria Zannini said...

So what are you saying, Linda? Were you 12 when Matt came along? :o)

Happy birthday, Matt!

PS Thanks for the plug!

Crystal Collier said...

LOL!! You get me every time. Thanks for the chuckles. Whew! What would I do without you?

Julie Flanders said...

Oh my gosh the monkeys cracked me up. LOL too cute.
And Happy Birthday to your son. He's a very young looking 40!

Murees Dupé said...

Happy Birthday to Matt! That aw is especially cute! I am heading over to The Writing Nut now.

Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words on my blog today. I appreciated it.

Carol Kilgore said...

Happy Birthday to your son!

Love the tattoo one :)

Maryann Miller said...

Caption for the cat photo. "Oh, my God, I think I ate them."

Love the Hump Day funnies. Got to get my chuckles every week.

Michael Di Gesu said...

Hi, LD... Happy Birthday, Matt!

As always, a great day for funnies. The kid's joke was hysterical. I could relate, I went to Catholic school for eight LONG years. LOL...


Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Happy birthday to your son.
And you asked for a caption - "Oh my God, my balls are missing!'

LD Masterson said...

Maria - Well, actually I was 11 but who's counting. (hee hee hee)

Crystal - You'd be stuck on the wrong side of the hump?

Julie - Me, too. That's why I had to include them. And I'm going to have to make sure Matt reads all the very nice comments.

Murees - Thanks on both. And don't let that old fear fairy get in your way.

Carol - Thanks.

Maryann - Yay! A caption. Yup, I can hear him saying that.

Michael - Eight years and you lived to tell about it? lol

Alex - Oh Lord, I LOVE that caption! I think you and Maryann went in the same direction.

Al Diaz said...

Congratulations to your son!
Both jokes made me laugh.
I'm afraid I also thought something similar to Alex.
Thanks for the smiles! Dragon Hugs. :)

Jemi Fraser said...

I've never heard the lawyer one before - awesome!! Have a few lawyer friends I can share that with :)

Happy bday to your son! said...

Caption: Wait...HelloKitty is NOT a cat? Does that make me a little girl?

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

You're right: that kitty picture definitely begs for a caption, but my brain's too sleepy to come up with one right now. "Oh my God...! (something something something...)

Good funnies. I like the one with the kid and the cookies best.(Smart kid! He probably grew up to be a politician.)

Eva Prokop said...

Awwwwwwwww...........and Happy Birthday to your son!

Robin said...

You did get the Awww.

And the kids joke cracked me up.

Mike Keyton said...

Ref the cat:

"Where's it gone?!"

And the lawyer one made me laugh :)

LD Masterson said...

Al - Thank you and you're welcome.

Jemi - Oh by all means, share. *grin*

barbtaub - lol

Susan F.S. - Naw, a politician would have taken the cookies and blamed the other party.

Eva - Gotcha! And thanks.

Robin - With that face, it was a given.

Mike - Yup, most everyone went to the same place on that one.

Lexa Cain said...

I loved the one about "God is watching." I told it to my hubby and we had such a good laugh! Thanks for the jokes and the "Aw." Happy birthday to Matt!

LD Masterson said...

Lexa - Glad you both enjoyed it. And thanks. said...

I hope Matt has a great 40th year.

The chimpanzee bit is hilarious.

Now, to check out your writing nook.

L. Diane Wolfe said...

Belated happy birthday to your baby boy.

And yes, I awed. And laughed at the photo of the shocked cat.

Jessica R. Patch said...

It's not Wednesday anymore but this Monday I needed some ha ha's! Thanks for delivering. Hope you have a great week!

Gwen Gardner said...

Hahaaaa! Thanks for the laugh. Happy Birthday to your son! The first was my daughter's birthday as well - 32 o_O How'd that happen, LOL?

LD Masterson said...

Robyn - Had one of those tequila nights, have you? *grin*

Diane - An awe and a laugh - a successful post.

Jessica - A good ha ha works any day. Thanks, you too.

Gwen - They keep having birthday's when we're not looking.

Sarah Allen said...

Okay, serious awww for that puppy. And happy birthday to Matt!!!

Sarah Allen
(Writing Blog)

Jennifer S. Pitts said...

I'm off to see your writing space. I understand the shoveling part, I was featured earlier this month.

Happy Birthday, Matt!!!

Crystal Collier said...

You're totally right. I would be stuck on the wrong side of the hump. =)