More on Fish Out of Water and Your (late!) Hump Day Funnies

I'm late. I'm late. For a very important...hump day!.

I'm sorry. There's so much going on this month, I let time get away from me.

To make up for it, here's a quick funny. 

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell ."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What? You're coming empty handed?" 

Now a word from our sponsor. Or at least a little blatant self promotion.

Fish Out of Water, the fourth Anthology from the Guppy Chapter of Sisters in Crime, contains twenty-two stories of mystery and suspense, all dealing with someone moving out of their element.

In my story, "Of Roosters and Men", city girl Ella has returned to the family farm to settle her father's estate. It should be a simple thing but she hasn't counted on battling her farm-loving sister Cassie, her own mixed memories, and a nasty tempered Rhode Island Red named Duncan...

"The morning was one long reminder of why I belonged in the city. The July air was hot and sticky, and thick dust clung to my legs as I walked. The stupid goats were uncooperative and ungrateful. One young buck slammed me against the side of his pen and stomped on my foot. I preferred feeding the chickens…or would have, except for Duncan. 

He strutted around the yard, showing off for his ladies. A young Rhode Island Red, very handsome and downright mean. Before I left home, we’d had old George. He was a pussycat. But this guy was all bad attitude with razor sharp spurs."


Fish Out of Water is available now from Wideside Press and will be available soon on other popular online sites.  For more information about Fish Out of Water, check out our Facebook page.

Now back to your funnies.

Anyone have a cat?

Do these rules work at your house?

 Oh, come on. You know they're true.

Here's a spiritual funny for you.

In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.

Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

" Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said...

" DON'T SELL THAT COW."

You saw it coming, didn't you?

Okay, time for your weekly "aw".

You liked the loving giraffes last week.

How about a little "mama and her cub" love?

 

Yeah, it did it for me.

That's all for this week. Again, I'm sorry for being late but look at it this way...you're that much closer to the weekend.

Did the funnies help?  Did you have a favorite?

See you next week.

Deep Thought for Today:

Man who runs in front of car gets tired,
man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Still Me...After All These Years

Hi. I'm taking a break from my usual hump day funnies today to take part in the Blog Tour for 

STILL ME … AFTER ALL THESE YEARS: 

24 Authors Reflect on Aging  

by Karen Helene Walker 

(through MC Book Tours) 

I'm really delighted to be part of this wonderful collection of essays about aging, a topic that's getting all too familiar to me. Let me tell you a little about the book and all the contributing authors. Then check out the giveaway below. 

Poignant...Humorous...Brutally Honest!

A collection of personal reflections guaranteed to keep you inspired and entertained on that journey we all travel together: The Journey of Aging. 

With a blend of grace, dignity, warmth and humor, women and men from 60 to 90 and from all walks of life candidly share the blessings and pitfalls of aging – from keeping dreams alive and keeping sex lives active to dealing with retirement, loss of independence and a growing sense of mortality.

A BOOK ABOUT LIVING EVERY MOMENT OF LIFE!

STILL ME is available at the following sites: Amazon (print and Kindle), Barnes and Noble, Kobo, and iTunes. Be sure to add it to your shelf on Goodreads.

I'm especially proud to share the pages of Still Me with these great authors...

Rev. Clara Alexander is an ordained New Thought minister who creates and performs sacred ceremonies, including unique weddings, funerals, memorial services, baby blessings and house blessings. She is also a popular speaker, inspiring groups with her talks on how we cling to our grudges, how we overuse the phrase “I’m sorry” and how we can live the life we love. 

Wendy Brown recently retired from a career in wildlife biology, where she studied sandhill cranes and whooping cranes as they migrated from Idaho to New Mexico. Wendy eventually found a permanent home in Albuquerque, where she and her husband enjoy the sounds of sandhill cranes from their deck. Since retiring from state government in 2014.  

Valerie Capps has bypassed the porch rocking chair to pursue her life-long passion for writing, thereby proving that in today’s world, life can begin again at 65! Valerie lives in Nashville with her husband and their spoiled-rotten Welsh Corgi. www.amazon.com/Valerie-Capps/e/B016VD9V72 

Mary W. Clark retired from her law practice in 2007 and transferred her observation and composition skills to travel writing. She is currently working on a book about her father’s World War II experience flying “the Hump” from India to China over the Himalayas. Mary lives in Paris, Texas. www.maryclarktraveler.com 

Fran Fischer: “I was born at a very young age and that happened 82 years ago, so I don’t remember much about it. I’ve crammed as much living into my life as possible, and I’m not through yet. I’ve traveled extensively and I even flew in the same zero-gravity plane that the astronauts trained in. I live in California with my first (and only) husband, and we celebrated our 62nd anniversary this year.” 

Pat Garcia (Patricia Anne Pierce-Garcia Schaack) is an American expatriate living in Europe. An accomplished musician as well as a writer, she has been writing (and reading) since childhood. 

Mark David Gerson is the author of more than a dozen books, including critically acclaimed titles for writers, award-winning fiction, and compelling memoirs. Known as “The Birthing Your Book Guru,” Mark David works with an international roster of clients as coach and consultant, helping them get their stories onto the page and into the world with ease. www.markdavidgerson.com 

Holly Deuel Gilster plays “make believe” for a living. In other words, she is a professional actress and musician. Holly also loves painting with words as an accomplished poet, an award-winning short-story writer and a book reviewer for The Or Echo. 

Aaron Gordon is a retired social sciences community college professor. He and his wife, Ellie, have been married for 65 years and have three children and grandchildren. 

Ellie Gordon is a retired public school teacher who spent the best 20 years of her life in the classroom. A Chicago native, she now lives in New Mexico. 

Karla “Rosie” Harper recently retired from teaching elementary school, freeing her to return to her early love of dancing. Today, when not helping out with her grandchildren, Rosie is taking dance lessons, spinning on a dance floor or performing in senior centers and retirement communities with Albuquerque’s Sugartime, as a singer as well as a dancer. 

Linda Hoye is the author of Two Hearts: An Adoptee’s Journey Through Grief to Gratitude, available through major online retailers. A native of Saskatchewan, Linda currently lives in British Columbia (by way of Washington State) with her husband and doted-upon Yorkshire Terrier. www.lindahoye.com 

E.V. Legters hasn’t so much retired as she has exchanged one life for another — from rewarding years with career and children (while pursuing the arts on the fly) to a life with the arts at its center. She is the author of Vanishing Point and Connected Underneath and is currently hard at work on her third novel. www.evlegters.com 

Kathleen Messmer not only runs a film production company with offices in the UK and the US, she is an avid photographer and wildlife advocate. In the unlikely event that she ever retires, Kathleen plans to live on a ranch with draft horses and pygmy goats and vineyards and fruit orchards, somewhere near the water. Oh, and a cowboy...maybe. www.kathleenmessmer.com 

Karen Norstad has worked as cashier/gift wrapper, secretary, boutique seamstress, administrative assistant, manager of employee stock options, executive assistant, and budget analyst. Now retired, Karen’s life revolves around lounging about, wearing PJs until four in the afternoon, obsessing over the news, reading, fusing and slumping glass, practicing piano, keeping a small balcony garden and cooking. 

Matt Nyman’s nonlinear career path has included working in the geological sciences, teaching high school, stay-at-home parenting and, currently, training tomorrow’s teachers. Poetry equently resides near the surface of his existence, occasionally erupting onto paper. 

Jill Plaman was born and began aging in Milwaukee, but she has lived and worked in Albuquerque since 1977. She holds a BS from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee and an MSW from the University of Minnesota. Her special interests are travel, international folk dancing, reading, hiking and spending time with family and friends. 

Maureen Polikoff is a clinical social worker/ therapist who has always pursued many other creative endeavors, including painting, playing music and, now, writing. A Connecticut native, she lives in New Mexico with her husband, Michael. 

MaryFrank Sanborn left Boston 33 years ago, to apprentice with photographer Walter Chappell in Santa Fe. Still in love with the beauty of the Southwest, MaryFrank photographs, writes, hikes, travels, teaches yoga and meditation, makes soups on Sundays, and dreams of the ocean and whales. 

Patricia Stoltey is the author of four mystery novels. The most recent is Wishing Caswell Dead. She lives in Northern Colorado with Sassy Dog, Katie Cat and her husband, Bill. www.patriciastolteybooks.com 

Susan Swiderski grew up in Dundalk, Maryland, where everybody calls everybody hon and eating steamed crabs is a sacrament. Although she’s happy in her adopted Georgia, part of her heart still lingers on the shores of Chesapeake Bay, explaining the setting for her novel, Hot Flashes and Cold Lemonade. Susan is currently working on a trilogy, proof that this old gal is still a pathological optimist. www.susan-swiderski.blogspot.com 

Jan Castle Walker is a retired teacher and an active artist. She lives in Davis, California with her husband, Mack. www.jancastlewalker.com 

Karen Helene Walker is a novelist, memoirist and essayist and the author of The Wishing Steps and Following the Whispers. When not writing, Karen is tap dancing, folk dancing or performing with the musical group Sugartime at retirement communities. Karen is currently working on her second memoir. www.karenfollowingthewhispers.blogspot.com 

and, of course, yours truly -

LD Masterson lived on both coasts before becoming landlocked in Ohio. After twenty years managing computers for the American Red Cross, she now divides her time between writing, volunteer work and enjoying her grandchildren. Her short stories have been published in several magazines and anthologies, and she is currently working on a new novel. www.ldmasterson.com
 

You can follow along on the tour by checking out the schedule HERE.


Now for the ...

This tour-wide giveaway is for two (2) print copies (U.S. entries only) and two (2) eBook copies of STILL ME … AFTER ALL THESE YEARS: 24 Authors Reflect on Aging. The giveaway will end at 12 a.m. (EST) on Tuesday, April 4.

To enter, click on the Rafflecopter widget below and follow the instructions. The widget may take a few seconds to load so please be patient.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

  Special thanks to

Oh, don't worry. Blog tour or not,

you still get your "aw".

I picked this one to remind us that 

not every "aw" is small and cuddly.

 

But love is always worth an "aw".

Thanks for letting me share all about Still Me...After All These Years. I hope you'll give it a look.

I promise you some extra hump day funnies next week. See you then.


Thought for Today:

Beware the Ides of ...Hump Day?

Happy Hump Day

Wow, it's been a busy month for me so far. I'm knee deep in launches/pre-launches for Still Me...After All These Years (available now) and Fish Out of Water (coming in April), I'm involved in various Lenten activities, and I'm co-facilitating a mini-WriMo for my local writers group, the Western Ohio Writers Association - 500 words a day, any project(s), 15,000 for the month. I'm on target for the word count, one short story finished and another one started. 

"Uh huh," you say? "Really interesting, LD. But what does this mean for me?"

Well, less blogging time means...

MORE FUNNIES!!!

So let's get right to it.

Here are a few classics from our favorite 

Church Bulletins. 

 
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' 

The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. 

Music will follow.  

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' 

Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Gotta love those church ladies.

This one has more of the military tone.

The first F-117 stealth fighter arrived at the bone yard (aircraft graveyard) in Tucson.

Visitors will not be allowed to climb into the cockpit for liability reasons.

 

Did it take you a minute?

I went to San Francisco.  I found someone's heart.  Now what?

This next one's a little long but I thing it's worth it.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bristol, TN. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar apparently so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated the man had not consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "I'm the designated decoy."

I love it.

After that one, this ad seems to fit.

Last one.

Oh, that's bad. But before I say bye for today...

here's your "aw".

 Those faces say it all. 

 

Please check out the blog tour for Still Me...After All These Years from March 20 thru March 31. Some of my favorite bloggers are joining in. There will also be a giveaway.  

March 20 – Alex J. Cavanaugh – Guest Post
Random Thoughts – Excerpt
Valerie Capps, Short Story Author
March 21 – Stephanie Faris, Children’s Author – Guest Post
Author Karen Walker…Following the Whispers
March 22 – Scattergun Scribblings – Guest Post and Feature
LD Masterson
March 23 – What Is That Book About – Excerpt
March 24 – The Heart and Craft of Life Writing – Interview
I Think: Therefore, I Yam
March 27 – Just Jemi – Excerpt
Celticlady’s Reviews – Excerpt
Juneta @ Writer’s Gambit – Interview
Necessary Madness: A Writer on the Road
March 28 – Thoughts in Progress – Excerpt
March 29 –The Story of a Writer – Feature
Mark David Gerson
March 30 – Mello & June, It’s A Book Thang – FeatureMello & June, It’s A Book Thang – Feature
March 31 – Reviews by Crystal – Interview
Book Reviews by Pat Garcia

 And watch for the latest release information on Fish Out of Water.


That's all for today. Did those funnies do the trick and get you over the mid-week hump? I hope so. Did you have a favorite?

Have a great week and an even better weekend.




Riddle for Today:

What word is spelled incorrectly when it's spelled correctly?