A New Anthology and Some Hump Day Funnies

Happy Hump Day.

It's been an exciting spring for me with the recent release of two anthologies containing stories of mine, Still Me After All These Years and Fish Out of Water - A Guppy Anthology, and two more on the way. Plus, this weekend I received word that another story has been accepted for an anthology scheduled for release in the fall. I seem to be on a roll.

(Major happy dance going on over here.)

Coming up next is Busted! Arresting Stories From the Beat, which will include my short mystery "Annie Get Your Goat." Busted! is being released by Level Best Books on April 25, 2017. Again, I'm in great company. Check out this list of terrific authors and stories:

• “Justice Due” by Jack Bates
• “Thicker than Water” by Micki Browning
• “No Mulligans” by Leone Ciporin
• “Bygones” by Bruce Robert Coffin
• “Last Call for Buffalo” by Randall DeWitt
• “Fall in New Hampshire” by Sharon Daynard
• “Most Evil” by Peter DiChellis
• “Bad Friday” by Martin Edwards
• “Deadly Discovery in Dallas” by Sanford Emerson
• “The Woman in White” by Tracy Falenwolfe
• “Ida Mae Buys a Crown Vic” by Kate Flora
• “Get Along Little Dogie” by CC Guthrie
• “The Letters of Patrick Bushell” by Gavin Keenan
• “Afternoon Delight” by Steve Liskow
• “The Program” by Cyndy Edwards Lively
• “Becky’s File” by Ruth McCarty
• “The Drive By” by Alison McMahan
• “Annie Get Your Goat” by LD Masterson
• “Chains” by Claire Murray
• “Christmas Shift” by Dale Phillips
• “Truth, Grace and Lies” by Adele Polomski
• “The Cattle Raid of Adams” by Keenan Powell
• “Goldie” by KM Rockwood
• “The Owl and the Pussycats” by Verena Rose
• “The Runner” by Steve Roy
• “No Safe Place” by Harriette Sackler
• “The Man Who Wasn’t Missing” by Brenda Seabrooke
• “Play Dead” by Shawn Reilly Simmons
• “Sensitivity Training” by Albert Tucher
• “Pet Peeve” by Kari Wainwright
• “Burning Bright” by Vicki Weisfeld

 I can't wait to read this one. 

But it's hump day and I know what you're here for so... 

here's a hump day funny for you.

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. 

He got an A.

Well, what grade would you have given him?

Remember those crazy newspaper clippings

from last week?

How about a desk calendar?

 Ya think?

 Here's an interesting item.

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

 I'll admit it. That one cracked me up.

Okay, I have a challenge for you.

Look at this week's "aw" picture,

and try not to say "aw".

 Betcha couldn't do it.

That's it for today. Are you there? Over the midweek hump and sailing toward the weekend?

Good! Then my work here is done. Did you have a favorite?

Have a fabulous week/weekend. See you next Wednesday.

Common Sense Tip of the Day:

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

More on Fish Out of Water and Your (late!) Hump Day Funnies

I'm late. I'm late. For a very important...hump day!.

I'm sorry. There's so much going on this month, I let time get away from me.

To make up for it, here's a quick funny. 

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell ."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What? You're coming empty handed?" 

Now a word from our sponsor. Or at least a little blatant self promotion.

Fish Out of Water, the fourth Anthology from the Guppy Chapter of Sisters in Crime, contains twenty-two stories of mystery and suspense, all dealing with someone moving out of their element.

In my story, "Of Roosters and Men", city girl Ella has returned to the family farm to settle her father's estate. It should be a simple thing but she hasn't counted on battling her farm-loving sister Cassie, her own mixed memories, and a nasty tempered Rhode Island Red named Duncan...

"The morning was one long reminder of why I belonged in the city. The July air was hot and sticky, and thick dust clung to my legs as I walked. The stupid goats were uncooperative and ungrateful. One young buck slammed me against the side of his pen and stomped on my foot. I preferred feeding the chickens…or would have, except for Duncan. 

He strutted around the yard, showing off for his ladies. A young Rhode Island Red, very handsome and downright mean. Before I left home, we’d had old George. He was a pussycat. But this guy was all bad attitude with razor sharp spurs."


Fish Out of Water is available now from Wideside Press and will be available soon on other popular online sites.  For more information about Fish Out of Water, check out our Facebook page.

Now back to your funnies.

Anyone have a cat?

Do these rules work at your house?

 Oh, come on. You know they're true.

Here's a spiritual funny for you.

In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.

Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

" Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said...

" DON'T SELL THAT COW."

You saw it coming, didn't you?

Okay, time for your weekly "aw".

You liked the loving giraffes last week.

How about a little "mama and her cub" love?

 

Yeah, it did it for me.

That's all for this week. Again, I'm sorry for being late but look at it this way...you're that much closer to the weekend.

Did the funnies help?  Did you have a favorite?

See you next week.

Deep Thought for Today:

Man who runs in front of car gets tired,
man who runs behind car gets exhausted.