Hump Day Mish Mash Funnies

Happy Hump Day

It's a mish-mash funnies day. One of those posts of funnies that I didn't have a theme for or didn't have room for in another post. So don't look for any connection between these...except that they make you smile, chuckle, or even better, laugh out loud.

Let's start off with a little static cling.

"I thought that box was empty."

Okay, I apologize for this one in advance.

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that the urinals were too high, they couldn't reach them. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to stare, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I sure appreciate your help."

I know. That's so bad. 

(But I did apologize.)

This one just made me laugh. 

 

Moving on to bad joke number two.

(Hey, maybe I did have a theme today.)

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said "I do....why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.  

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto (who was a very fast runner) and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." 

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" 

(get ready)  

"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin'." 

Aw, come on. You laughed.

Snickered?

Something?

(I should be shot?)

Maybe I should look like this next guy...

 I've come home to a face like that.

It's never a good thing.

This is a little different from my usual "aw" pictures.

I think the "aw" comes from a deeper place 

and the message is important. 

My mom and dad were together for 65 years.


That's it for today.
Are we there? Over the hump?
Fantastic.

Did you have a favorite?

I'm afraid you're going to have to get over the hump without me next week.
We're taking a little vacation and I'll be offline.

Do I hear the sound of weeping and gnashing of teeth?
Nah, I didn't think so. 

Be good and I'll see you in a couple of weeks.

   

 Thought for the Day:

Happy Hump Day - I've Been Blitzed!!!

Happy Hump Day.

I'm scrambling  a bit this morning. I was behind doing today's post due do assorted grandchildren happenings and I discovered this morning that I was the lucky recipient of a BLOG BLITZ, 

 courtesy of blogger DL Hammons. Thank you, DL. You've made my day.

Well, except now I'm bouncing between getting this post done and answering all the lovely blitzers who are leaving comments on last week's post.  A rather nice dilemma, wouldn't you say?

So, let's get on to some hump day funnies.

This one just cracked me up. No excuse.

Do you like "just the right moment, just the right angle" pictures. Here are a couple that caught my eye.

I had to look at this one twice.

This one needs some blood spatter but I feel a mystery story coming on.

I hope this is just the camera angle, but you hear stories...

You know, it's been a while since I gave you a real groaner. In celebration of my getting blitzed, I offer this one:

Smitty was a heating and cooling technician. His assistant was a small chimpanzee he had trained to do all the duct work. The chimp had no fear of heights or confined spaces, and worked for bananas.

One day, Smitty got a call from a customer who said his air conditioner had broken down. Smitty went over and discovered a problem in an air duct. The customer asked if it would be hard to repair.

"No problem," replied Smitty, "I can fix it in no time with a little duct ape." 

I know. I'm sorry.

Or maybe you prefer the one liners...

 The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen  a mall.

His will was a dead giveaway.

Okay, I'm done. I promise.

Let move on your your weekly "aw".

Do you like this one?

Some moms might not allow this but I say love is love.

That's it. Are we there yet? Over the hump and heading for the weekend?

I hope so.  Did you have a favorite?

For all my Christian friends, I wish you a joyous and blessed Easter.

Quote for Today:

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.  ~Marcel Proust    (Thanks again, DL.)

 

An All Groaner Hump Day

Happy All Groaner Hump Day

Yup. For my Happy Hump Day post this week, I'm offering this collection of...

GROANERS.

I'm dedicating this post to my buddy Maria Zannini because she tells me my groaners have a special place in her heart.  (Or maybe it's in the compost pile behind the chicken coop.)

Okay, I'm also doing this because it's quick and I'm losing a chunk of today getting an MRI done on the persnickety knee that keeps giving out on me. Especially when I'm climbing up and down bleachers. At my granddaughter's diving meet last week, strangers were handing me down from row to row like some little old granny.  (No, I DO NOT see anything wrong with that last statement.)  It was embarrassing!

So, here we go. Get ready to groan. 

 1. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

2. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

3. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I can't put it down.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.

6. The old man didn't like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.

7. Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

8. What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

9. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

10. All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

11. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

12. Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

13. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

No, of course, I wouldn't give you all those groans and no "aw".  Here it is.

 Come on, you know you said it.

 

Okay, which one gave you the biggest groan? Or even (dare I say it?) a laugh?

I hope this got you over the mid week hump and sailing toward the weekend.

 Question of the Day:  Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

 

To Groan or Not To Groan

Serious Friday Stuff...Sort of

I need your help.  Very weighty decision pending here. 

For some time now I've been closing my posts with a groaner, a pun guaranteed (hopefully) to make you groan and laugh.  Many of you have asked where I come up with them and my answer is always, "everywhere".

Well, there seems to be less "everywhere" than there used to be and I'm having trouble coming up with enough good puns for every post.  (No snarky comments allowed.)   

So I've decide to cut back the groaners to once a week and do something else for a closer on the other two days.  Now the decision part...what should I use to replace the groaner?

Regular jokes?

Bloopers?

 (you know, those misworded lines from newspapers, church newsletters, etc.)

Straight quotes?

Trivia questions?

Something else?

Please toss in your two cents on this earth-shattering issue and help me decide.  What would you like to see?

By the way, I'm sorry this post is going up late today.  I spent last night at a dive/swim meet.  Ever attend one of these?  The diving portion lasted two hours.  My granddaughter had four dives.  A dive is over in about a second.  Maybe three if you count standing-on-the-board time.  That's 1 hour, 59 minutes, and 48 seconds of waiting and 12 seconds of cheering.  The swim meet lasted four hours.  She swam in four events.  Maybe 30 seconds each.  That's 3 hours... well, you get the idea.

Oh, and it was in the mid 90's and VERY sunny at the pool.

(She took first place in the 25 meter backstroke.)

In the winter we go to my grandson's wrestling meets.  Wrestling meets can last over six hours.  He will wrestle in three or four matches.  Each match lasts about...

Okay, don't forget to leave your preference on a groaner replacement.  (Maria!  Stop cheering!)

Have a fantastic weekend.

Groaner of the Day:  In the days of old, when Genghis Kahn's men were running over Asia, they set their sights on further shores. Rather than 'huns', these warriors were known as Kahn's men, or simply, Kahns. When they had conquered all the way to the water's edge, they build boats, gathered their loot, and bravely went to sea.

By a sad twist of fate, they encountered an island of lepers, which resulted in most of the crew being infected. Hastily leaving that island, they set sail again, but by the time they reached Ireland, there wasn't much left of them. Disembarking on stubby limbs, they set forth, but were soon set upon by the natives for the riches they carried.  Rotted away, but still clever, they hid on the island and awaited rescue, and the locals never did get their hands on the treasure.

And that's how the story of the little people got started in Ireland - the leper Kahn's and their pots of gold.

Bonus groan:

Cunning though diseased, the Kahns were never fooled by those who tried to trick them out of their pots of gold by swapping them for an empty pot - thus the saying: "You cannot change a leper's pots".