Hump Day Mish Mash Funnies

Happy Hump Day

It's a mish-mash funnies day. One of those posts of funnies that I didn't have a theme for or didn't have room for in another post. So don't look for any connection between these...except that they make you smile, chuckle, or even better, laugh out loud.

Let's start off with a little static cling.

"I thought that box was empty."

Okay, I apologize for this one in advance.

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that the urinals were too high, they couldn't reach them. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to stare, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I sure appreciate your help."

I know. That's so bad. 

(But I did apologize.)

This one just made me laugh. 

 

Moving on to bad joke number two.

(Hey, maybe I did have a theme today.)

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said "I do....why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.  

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto (who was a very fast runner) and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." 

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" 

(get ready)  

"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin'." 

Aw, come on. You laughed.

Snickered?

Something?

(I should be shot?)

Maybe I should look like this next guy...

 I've come home to a face like that.

It's never a good thing.

This is a little different from my usual "aw" pictures.

I think the "aw" comes from a deeper place 

and the message is important. 

My mom and dad were together for 65 years.


That's it for today.
Are we there? Over the hump?
Fantastic.

Did you have a favorite?

I'm afraid you're going to have to get over the hump without me next week.
We're taking a little vacation and I'll be offline.

Do I hear the sound of weeping and gnashing of teeth?
Nah, I didn't think so. 

Be good and I'll see you in a couple of weeks.

   

 Thought for the Day:

I Thought Cats Were Supposed to be Bright

Happy Hump Day

Let week we had fun with a little dog shaming. 

This week I'm giving equal time to our feline friends.

No, not "shaming" - 

seriously, have you ever seen a guilty cat? -

these would fall under the heading of "not too bright".

Do you think we should tell him there's an easier way to reach that toy?

Like maybe walking around the door.

Oh, and to keep your brains in better shape than these kitties,

here are a few more entries from the

Engineer's Conversion Table.

Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

             

Here's another kitty who seems to have a problem with doors.

  

It's the flap on your right, sweetie. On your right.

 

Oh,well.

More conversion units:

 

52 cards = 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds  

I especially like that last one.

 I'm not sure what this little guy was thinking.

But don't you love his expression?

 Hopefully that hand is coming to the rescue.

And still more conversion units:

1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

100 rations = 1 C-ration

        

 I can hear this guy thinking, "Oh crap. Now what."

 Little help here, please.

Okay, last of the conversion table:

2 monograms = 1 diagram

 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

  

Since I picked on cats today, I know I should offer a cute kitten for your "aw",

but this picture just came my way yesterday and I fell in love with this face.

Bet you said it.

(Who could resist that smile?)

Alrighty then. Are we there? Over that dreaded mid week hump?
On our way to the weekend?
Fantastic.

Did you have a favorite?

Have a great day, week, weekend -
and I'll see you next Wednesday.

Lesson for Today:  (I know this is a little long but I think it's worth it.)

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. 'Well,' she said, 'I think I'll braid my hair today.'  So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. 'Hmm' she said, 'I think I'll part my hair down the middle today.'  So she did and she had a grand day.

 The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. 'Well,' she said, 'today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail.'  So she did, and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.  'YAY!' she exclaimed. 'I don't have to fix my hair today!' 

Attitude is everything.

Cats and English Students - Always Good for a Laugh

 Happy Hump Day

Hope you're here for your hump day funnies because I've got some good ones for you today. But first I want to indulge in a quick Nana moment.

I'm a regular blood donor. My grandson recently turned sixteen (the minimum age for donating) and went with me yesterday to give blood. He said he thought it was important. Knowing how he feels about needles, I was really proud of him.

 

As we're still finishing up the Christmas holiday, I have to share this one.

 

That poor kitty will never be the same.

We didn't have a white Christmas here but we have had quite a bit of snow and cold since New Years.

 

 Hey, he'll be okay. Cats are resilient, right?

I've heard they're also very brave... 

but I hope this one listens to his friend.

That could be ugly.

Okay, so far this month we've had church bloopers and hospital chart bloopers. How about some words of wisdom from our students - specifically high school English students? 

For your reading enjoyment, I give you...

Annual English Teachers awards for best metaphors/analogies from student papers.

 His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

(And my personal favorite...)

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law George. But unlike George, this plan just might work.

Ah, the future of literature is bright.

I stayed with kitties for all today's pictures...er, not including my grandson.  It was the expression on this cat's face that made this one an "aw" for me. Pure bliss.

Don't you think so?

Did we get there? Are you over the mid-week hump and sailing toward a great weekend? I hope so.

Did you have a favorite?

Have a great week. I'll see you next Wednesday.

Oh, and as we're getting into the new year, I want to offer this 

 

Prayer for the Year:
 
Dear Lord,
 
My prayer for 2015 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.  Please don't mix these up like you did last year. 

AMEN!

Teenagers and Cats - Not to be Confused With Teenaged Cats

Happy Hump Day.

The theme for today is ridiculous...and the slightly scary. 

Today's photos are all cats. Cats, cats, and more cats. And since I'm a dog person, that could be the scary part - but it isn't.  The text parts of this post are simple questions and answers supposedly given by teenagers. I can't swear these are all true but even if half of them are, I fear for our future.

Let's start off with a feline photo.

Hmm. That could almost qualify as scary.

Now some Q and A's.

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie. 

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death. 

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. 

 

 

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true) 

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby. 

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (You know, like Julius Seizure)

  Okay, this is definitely scary.

 Well, isn't it?

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome. 

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. 

  

And while we're on the subject of plants...

  

Definitely needed a bigger pot.

Okay, last three.

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
 
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
 
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)
  

Whew. After those answers and contemplating our future, I think we need a good "aw".

 

 

Look at these eyes.

 Bet you said it.

And don't forget to check out DL Hammons' blogfest.

 

That's it for today. Hope it did the trick and you're over the midweek hump and sailing toward a fantastic weekend.

Did you have a favorite?

(In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that, based on my teenage grandchildren and most of their friends, I'm really quite optimistic about our future.)

See you next week.

Question for Today:
 
What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Off to Church on Hump Day...Sort Of

Happy Hump Day

First, I want to thank DL Hammons again for choosing me for a blog blitz last week. It was a blast receiving comments from so many new guests. I received over 200 comments between the two blogs involved so it will take me quite a while to return all your visits but I really appreciated everyone who came by and especially those who became Followers.

On to hump day.

This has got to be the greatest hump day picture ever.

Don't you think so?

We've a lot of fun from time to time with church bulletin bloopers. 

How about these minutes from the Deacon's meeting?

The newly elected secretary for the Deacon Board at church submitted this report:

 
Deacon Meeting Minutes
October the something Deacon's meeting.

Present was most of the deacons; one was absent.

Chairman Tad asked Luke to say something, and he did.

New officers were needed; some of us were arm twisted into taking the positions. 

Some old business was remembered, and most of it had been approved. What wasn't was not important.

We tried to think of some new business, but it was decided that we're too old to be new.

Some of the deacons were getting tired so we decided to get out of the meeting.

(Secretary's note: I said I would type the meeting minutes; not that they would be worth a hoot!!)

Yup, that's the kind of minutes I'd take. 

Of course, good church goers never judge others. Including this young lady.

 A gal's gotta do what a gal's gotta do.

Hmm, I seem to have stumbled onto a theme for this post so let's go with one more "church" item.

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to Honor thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." 

I'll bet he has sisters.

I guess we've got room for one confession.

Shocking!

Okay, time your your weekly "aw".

This one may not get an immediate "aw" but take a second to enjoy her contemplation and see if you don't feel that "aw" coming on.

Did it work?

That's it for today. Did we get you there? 

Over the midweek hump and on the slippery slope to the weekend?

Excellent. My job is done.

(Did you have a favorite?)

Have a wonderful rest of your week and a fun filled weekend.

See you next Wednesday.

Really Bad Riddle for Today:

Q: What do you call a group of rabbits hopping backwards?
A: A receding hare line.

(I'm sorry.)

Cats, Dogs, Snow, and New Releases

Happy Hump Day

Yesterday it was 70 degrees in Dayton. The sidewalks were full of people walking, jogging, strolling with their dogs. My tulips and daffodils are up about four inches and many of the early blooming shrubs have new buds.

Right now it's snowing. Hard. Big fat flakes. With high winds and a projected low tonight of six degrees.

I think Mother Nature is seriously annoyed with us.

However, I have something good to celebrate today. The release of blog friend Stephen Tremp's new book -

ESCALATION

 The Adventures of Chase Manhattan

Don't you love this cover?

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones” - Albert Einstein. In Escalation, the final installment to Stephen Tremp’s Breakthrough Trilogy, a seemingly innocent discovery in Einstein-Rosen Bridges, or wormholes, becomes a Pandora’s Box—opening doors to other unexpected and unpredictable realities such as parallel universes, time/space travel, and an evil hitchhiker from another dimension.

 This is a book and a series you don't want to miss.

Now - on with our hump day funnies.

First, something for you cat lovers.

This is why I have a dog. (hee hee)

But at least cats catch mice:

 That helps, right?

And we dog people have problems, too.

Note to the Dogs:
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It Is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space that you are taking up, is nothing but sarcasm.
 
Also, the proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Thank you.

Your Human

Time for your weekly "aw". 

 

 If that didn't get you, you've never rescued a friend.

 Are we there? Over the hump and sliding toward the weekend.

Wonderful!

(Did you have a favorite?) 

As I finish this, the temperature is still dropping and the wind has totally removed the dry leaves I piled around my new flowers this morning.

Sigh.

Oh, by the way, I do have my car back. Now I need a service call for my wallet.

 

Have a great week, everyone.

Quote for Today:

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Hump Day Groans and Giggles

Happy Hump Day

Hey, I'm doing better this week. I actually got my Hump Day post up before noon. Maybe there's hope for me getting back on schedule.  But I know you're waiting for your hump day funnies, so let's get right to it...

This just made me laugh.

Ready for a joke?

There was a house painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

One summer the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

He set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint
from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.
.
.
.
(you're going to love this)
.
.
.
"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

Be honest now...did you see it coming?

Should I be repenting for telling that joke?

 

Here's something I can relate to.



Yup, there went that New Year's resolution.


This one didn't really get me until I looked at the cat's eyes.


 

Zombie kitties!!!!

 

 

How about a couple questions to ponder?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he naked or homeless?

Can you cry under water?

The "aw" in this picture may not jump right out at you but look at that dog's face.

 

 Can't you just hear the sigh of contentment?

 

 

Okay, are we there yet?  Over the hump? Coasting to the weekend?

 

Good, 'cause I'm out of groaners funnies for today.

 

Since we have five Wednesdays this month, I think I'll do something different for my post next week. I'm not sure what but I hope you'll come by and check it out.  Have a wonderful week.

 

Quote for today:

 

Many people hear voices when no one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stare at the walls all day. Others are called writers and they do pretty much the same thing.  - Meg Chittenden

A Little Theology, a Little History, a Few Laughs - Yup It's Hump Day

Happy Hump Day

I'm a little late today so let's jump right in.

First, a theology lesson.

Yeah, he'd know that one.

Here's one for our favorite seniors.

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing
through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

"You appear quite elderly to be driving," he said, concerned

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."

 

"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?"

"That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.  I told him I did and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore'.

So I thanked him and left!"

 

I think she was driving in front of me yesterday.

 

 

 

Do you know what a "Knocker Upper" is?

 

Well, before alarm clocks, there were "knocker uppers."
Mary Smith earned a sixpence a piece for shooting dried peas at sleeping workers windows in London.

 

And we all know what you were thinking. 

(Shame on you.)

 

 

This is a good one for writers.

 

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get six.

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

 

Okay, ready for your "aw"? 

 

This one's a little different but I think we need to remember that adorable isn't limited to dogs and cats.

Aren't these guys worth a good "aw"?

That's it.  Did we get there? Did you find something in today's post to get you over the mid-week hump and on the downhill slide to the weekend?

Great. My work here is done.

Thought for today:

Sometimes I just sit around and think how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

But Cats are Just Funny (Happy Hump Day)

Happy Hump Day

Okay, let me set the record straight - I'm a dog person. I have a dog.  I've always had dogs.  I think dogs are noble animals and they can be both very attractive and quite funny.

But in photos, cats are...well...

Oh, just see for yourself.

That's almost scary.  Scratch that - it's definitely scary.

Seems only fair.

Hmmm.  Some of these could also apply to a dog.

I use that look to keep the kids in line.

No comment.

And I wouldn't ask you to get through a Hump Day without your weekly "aw".

Did that one do it for you?

Okay, there are your hump day funnies. Hope this helps get you over the hump and coasting toward the weekend.  But before you go, why don't you try our...

Trivia Questions for Today:

What or who first made these catch-phrases famous?

1 - I'll be back.

2 - Correctomundo

3 - Big Brother (is watching you..)

4 - You bet your sweet bippy.

5- To infinity, and beyond.