Beware the Ides of ...Hump Day?

Happy Hump Day

Wow, it's been a busy month for me so far. I'm knee deep in launches/pre-launches for Still Me...After All These Years (available now) and Fish Out of Water (coming in April), I'm involved in various Lenten activities, and I'm co-facilitating a mini-WriMo for my local writers group, the Western Ohio Writers Association - 500 words a day, any project(s), 15,000 for the month. I'm on target for the word count, one short story finished and another one started. 

"Uh huh," you say? "Really interesting, LD. But what does this mean for me?"

Well, less blogging time means...

MORE FUNNIES!!!

So let's get right to it.

Here are a few classics from our favorite 

Church Bulletins. 

 
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' 

The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. 

Music will follow.  

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' 

Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Gotta love those church ladies.

This one has more of the military tone.

The first F-117 stealth fighter arrived at the bone yard (aircraft graveyard) in Tucson.

Visitors will not be allowed to climb into the cockpit for liability reasons.

 

Did it take you a minute?

I went to San Francisco.  I found someone's heart.  Now what?

This next one's a little long but I thing it's worth it.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bristol, TN. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar apparently so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated the man had not consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "I'm the designated decoy."

I love it.

After that one, this ad seems to fit.

Last one.

Oh, that's bad. But before I say bye for today...

here's your "aw".

 Those faces say it all. 

 

Please check out the blog tour for Still Me...After All These Years from March 20 thru March 31. Some of my favorite bloggers are joining in. There will also be a giveaway.  

March 20 – Alex J. Cavanaugh – Guest Post
Random Thoughts – Excerpt
Valerie Capps, Short Story Author
March 21 – Stephanie Faris, Children’s Author – Guest Post
Author Karen Walker…Following the Whispers
March 22 – Scattergun Scribblings – Guest Post and Feature
LD Masterson
March 23 – What Is That Book About – Excerpt
March 24 – The Heart and Craft of Life Writing – Interview
I Think: Therefore, I Yam
March 27 – Just Jemi – Excerpt
Celticlady’s Reviews – Excerpt
Juneta @ Writer’s Gambit – Interview
Necessary Madness: A Writer on the Road
March 28 – Thoughts in Progress – Excerpt
March 29 –The Story of a Writer – Feature
Mark David Gerson
March 30 – Mello & June, It’s A Book Thang – FeatureMello & June, It’s A Book Thang – Feature
March 31 – Reviews by Crystal – Interview
Book Reviews by Pat Garcia

 And watch for the latest release information on Fish Out of Water.


That's all for today. Did those funnies do the trick and get you over the mid-week hump? I hope so. Did you have a favorite?

Have a great week and an even better weekend.




Riddle for Today:

What word is spelled incorrectly when it's spelled correctly?

Cover Reveal for Fish Out of Water and Happy Hump Day

Happy Hump Day

I do have some hump day funnies for you, but first...

Check out this cover for the latest Guppy anthology:  

Fish Out of Water.

The Guppies, if you don't know, are an online chapter of Sisters in Crime. Fish out of Water is the fourth Guppy Anthology and, if the previous books are any indication, it's going to be packed with great stories.

Oh, did I mention that includes my own "Of Roosters and Men."

Fish Out of Water is scheduled for release in early April. I'll post more information as it becomes available.

Now for a hump day funny...

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

     
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." 

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"   

Oh, that was so bad. 

(I'm sorry.)

But here's something good. 

Still Me..After All These Years is now available. 

You can order the e-book or paperback at these sites. 

Kobo: https://www.kobo.com/us/en/ebook/still-me-after-all-these-years

Barnes and Noble/nook: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/still-meafter-all-these-years-karen-helene-walker/1125893734?ean=2940157330347

Ibooks: https://itunes.apple.com/us/genre/books-biographies-memoirs/id9008?mt=11&letter=S&page=6#page

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Still-After-All-These-Years/dp/1542894352/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1488925841&sr=8-1

If you'd like to be part of the blog tour for Still Me, sign up here.

Here's another funny... 

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.  
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"  
The Lord replies, "A minute."  
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"  
The Lord replies, "A penny."  
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"  
The Lord replies, "In a minute."   

I can't help it. I liked that one.

Here's a quick head-scratcher for you.

While you ponder that, here's your "aw". 

Just a little Mama love.

That's all for today. Do you like the cover? Laugh at the funnies? "Aw" at the...um,"aw"?

Have a great week.

Strange Thought for Today: 

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up.

Now I don't know what to feed it.

Still Me...After All These Years - Cover Reveal

I've been having a lot of fun the last few months writing mystery short stories - some light, some dark - and several have found homes in various anthologies. But I also tried something a little different, a personal essay...on aging, a topic I'm becoming all too familiar with. 

My essay "On Dreams, Appetites and Possibilities" will be included in the anthology Still Me... After All These Years, along with stories by twenty-three wonderful authors. Still Me was conceived by author and blog friend Karen Helene Walker who collected these stories and put it all together. I'm very grateful to be part of this exciting project.

Don't you love the cover?

Here's the blurb:

Poignant...Humorous...Brutally Honest!

A collection of personal reflections guaranteed to keep you inspired and entertained on that journey we all travel together: The Journey of Aging

With a blend of grace, dignity, warmth and humor, women and men from 60 to 90 and from all walks of life candidly share the blessings and pitfalls of aging – from keeping dreams alive and keeping sex lives active to dealing with retirement, loss of independence and a growing sense of mortality.

A BOOK ABOUT LIVING EVERY MOMENT OF LIFE!

 
The release date is scheduled for April 4, 2017 but the e-book version is available here for pre-order now with print version to follow.

And it's still hump day so here's a hump day funny for you. The following are signs that were spotted all across the country. Some you might have to give a second thought.

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel. (Note: I've seen one of these!)
 
In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

 Um...how's that again?

Okay, time for your weekly "aw".

Just a couple of friends...

 Does that qualify as dancing cheek to cheek?

That's it for today. Hope you found enough chuckles in here to get you over the midweek hump and coasting to the weekend.  

Watch for more news on Still Me...After All These Years as we get closer to the release date.

Quote for Today:

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill