Hump Day Funnies - the Human Variety

Happy Hump Day

Here we go again. It's Wednesday and we all need a little something to get us over the mid-week hump.

Before we start, I'm tossing out a blatant bid for sympathy. The other day, I lost the crown off one of my molars and the tooth underneath sort of disintegrated...right down to the gum. So this morning I'll be spending some very unpleasant time in the dentist chair.

Can I get an "aw, poor baby"?

Thank you.

Today I'm giving our furry friends a break and I'm relying on human stupidity or intelligence to provide some laughs. (I'll let you decide which it is.)

Let's start with a couple newspaper headlines:

I think I see their problem.

How about this one?

Yeah, good luck with that.

See if you agree with these...

1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3.Law of Probability - The probability of your being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 

5. The Law of Consumerism - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

The last one applies especially to bras. Am I right, ladies?

I'm not sure what to say about this one.

 But this one makes perfect sense.

Duh.

One last quick one.

At the wedding party someone yelled, "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Oh, come on, that was funny.

Okay, I couldn't make it all the way through without at least one little fur baby.

Here's your "aw" for today.

 You know you said it. 

And that's it for today. Did I get you there? Over the hump and sailing down the slope toward the weekend?

Wonderful!

Did you have a favorite?

If you're reading this on Wednesday, have a kind thought for me in my dental misery.

And have a great week and weekend.

Quote for Today:

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. ~ Mark Twain

Without Rhyme or Reason

Happy Hump Day

Here they are - your hump days funnies. A little something to get you over the midweek hump and on the slippery slope to the weekend.

In case you're looking for the theme of this post...don't. The only connection is they made me laugh. And I hope they do the same for you.

Hah! That'll show 'em.

Wait a minute. I think that picture and this joke are vaguely connected.

Or maybe not. 

A burglar broke into a home one night.  He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; when he heard, a strange voice echoing from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

After awhile when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he whispered to the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Cute. And what's your name?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus."

Chomp Chomp.

I like this great marketing idea.

Well, it's true, isn't it?

How about this one?

Hope he makes bail.

Okay, one more joke.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." 

And, of course, we can't forget your weekly "aw".

I'd love this one even without the pacifier.

Did you say it?

That's all for today. Are you there? 

Over the hump and heading down slope toward the weekend? 

Perfect!

Did you have a favorite?

Have a great week/weekend.

Groaner for Today:

Two men walked into a bar.

You’d think the second one would have seen it.

Hump Day Funnies and a Cover Reveal from Crystal Collier

Happy Hump Day

Okay, this is a pitiful return to my Wednesday schedule. It's 11:45 pm and I'm scrambling to get the post up while it's still hump day. I have a good reason for being late (really) but it doesn't belong in a hump day funnies blog so I won't go into it.

Last week I gave you the "aw" picture of the poor basset hound trying to sleep on a couple flower pots. You seemed to like it, so today I'm going to share a few more pets trying to find or claim their special spots.

Like this poor guy...

 Sorry, buddy. I think you need something a bit larger.

This guy has the same problem.

I give this one points for adaptibility.

 

Any golfers in the crowd?

 Here's one for you.

One evening, after Jim and Jane had been married for a couple years and the honeymoon was waning, Jim was cleaning his golf shoes as Jane watched in silence. 

 

After a while Jane said, "Honey, I've been thinking…you spend an awful lot of time golfing and I think it hurting our marriage. Maybe you should quit." 

 

Jim looked at her with a stunned expression. “Wow. You just sounded exactly like my ex-wife." 

 

"Ex-wife! I didn't know you were married before!" 

 

"I wasn't."

End of discussion. 

This proud boy just wants a pat of approval.

I think he deserves it, don't you?

That last one almost qualified as this week's "aw", until I found this one.

It didn't get my "aw" at first but when I took in the surroundings...

See what I mean?  A slightly different "aw" but it counts.

And now I'm delighted to help my blog friend Crystal Collier reveal the cover of her upcoming release, SOULLESS.  Isn't this a great cover?

Have you met the Soulless and Passionate? In the world of 1770 where supernatural beings mix with humanity, Alexia is playing a deadly game.

SOULLESS, Book 2 in the Maiden of Time trilogy

Alexia manipulated time to save the man of her dreams, and lost her best friend to red-eyed wraiths. Still grieving, she struggles to reconcile her loss with what was gained: her impending marriage. But when her wedding is destroyed by the Soulless—who then steal the only protection her people have—she’s forced to unleash her true power.

 

And risk losing everything.

What people are saying about this series:
"With a completely unique plot that keeps you guessing and interested, it brings you close to the characters, sympathizing with them and understanding their trials and tribulations." --SC, Amazon reviewer 

"It's clean, classy and supernaturally packed with suspense, longing, intrigue and magic." --Jill Jennings, TX   

"SWOON." --Sherlyn, Mermaid with a Book Reviewer

Crystal Collier is a young adult author who pens dark fantasy, historical, and romance hybrids. She can be found practicing her brother-induced ninja skills while teaching children or madly typing about fantastic and impossible creatures. She has lived from coast to coast and now calls Florida home with her creative husband, three littles, and “friend" (a.k.a. the zombie locked in her closet). Secretly, she dreams of world domination and a bottomless supply of cheese. You can find her on her blog and Facebook, or follow her on Twitter.

COMING October 13, 2014

Crystal also asked me to let you know Book 1 in this series, MOONLESS, will be on sale all this week. Check it out here.

Congratulations, Crystal.

 

 

Well, I didn't make it. It's after midnight so your hump day post this week is hump day plus one. I'll try to be on time next week.

Hope these belated funnies still help you make it to the weekend.

Did you have a favorite?

Thought for Today:

 

I'm Back! With Funnies for You and Apologies for Carol Kilgore.

Happy Hump Day.

Hi. What's everyone been up to while I was gone? No, wait. Don't tell me. I'll be around to visit everyone as soon as I can.

I know you've been missing your hump day funnies (you have missed them, right?) so let's dive right in.

You'd think for my first post, I'd have come up with a theme but the only connection between today's pictures and jokes is they made me laugh.

Starting with...

I know this feeling. How about you?

A friend of mine shared this with me...

I had to make a quick stop at the grocery the other day so I parked my car in the lot and rolled down the windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had enough fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.  I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"

As I was walking, I passed a pretty young thing who was watching me with a strange look.

"Why," she asked me, "don't you just put it in park?" 

 

We won't discuss hair color on that one.


Now hair color on this one is a whole different matter.

 

I'm almost embarrassed to admit that cracked me up, but it did.


This is my new favorite joke.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news: “There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know…

She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked, “Will I be acquitted?”

I love it!

This picture was a toss up for me as a funny or an "aw".  But when I thought of my teenage grandson, that tipped it to a funny.

I love the dog's expression.


Which brings us to your hump day "aw". This one was also both a funny and an "aw" but the sight of this poor fellow trying to make a bed for himself was an "aw" for me.

How about you?

Before I close, I have to offer my deepest apologies to my blog friend, author Carol Kilgore.  I promised Carol I'd be part of the June cover reveal for her new book, Secrets of Honor. Then I promptly took a blog break for the entire month. So, with apologies for my tardiness, I offer the beautiful cover for Secrets of Honor.

About Secrets of Honor...

By the end of a long evening working as a special set of eyes for the presidential security detail, all Kat Marengo wants is to kick off her shoes and stash two not-really-stolen rings in a secure spot. Plus, maybe sleep with Dave Krizak. No, make that definitely sleep with Dave Krizak. The next morning, she wishes her new top priorities were so simple.

As an operative for a covert agency buried in the depths of the Department of Homeland Security, Kat is asked to participate in a matter of life or death—locate a kidnapped girl believed to be held in Corpus Christi, Texas. Since the person doing the asking is the wife of the president and the girl is the daughter of the first lady’s dearest friend, it’s hard to say no.

Kat and Dave quickly learn the real stakes are higher than they or the first lady believed and will require more than any of them bargained for.

The kicker? They have twenty-four hours to find the girl—or the matter of life or death will become more than a possibility.

About Carol...

Carol writes grocery lists, texts to her family, new lyrics to old songs for her dogs, love notes to her husband, and novels for herself. And for you. In between, she blogs weekly at Under the Tiki Hut and is active on Facebook and Twitter.

She sees mystery and subterfuge everywhere. And she’s a sucker for a good love story—especially ones with humor and mystery. Crime Fiction with a Kiss gives her the latitude to mix and match throughout the broad mystery and romance genres. Having flexibility makes her heart happy.

 

Website with Monthly Contest: http://www.carolkilgore.net

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/carol.kilgore1

Twitter: http://twitter.com/carol_kilgore

Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/6094110.Carol_Kilgore

Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Carol-Kilgore/e/B008FRCXQY

Okay, that's it for today.  Did the funnies do it for you? Are you over the midweek hump? 

Great! Did you have a favorite?

Have a wonderful weekend. I'll see you next Wednesday.

Thought for Today:

Bad decisions make good stories.  (REALLY, THEY DO...)