Hump Day Senior Funnies

Happy Hump Day

Well, I had a pretty interesting week. How about you?

Last Thursday, our volunteer Disaster Recovery Team was called out to help with the clean up from a small tornado that touched down one town over.  Luckily, no one was hurt and there was minimal structural damage but lots of trees down.  Our chainsaw crew cut them up and the rest of us hauled the limbs and trunk pieces to the curb for pickup. 

 Was I sore after? Oh, yeah.

 But I perked up over the weekend for a special event. Our younger grandson's Confirmation.

Isn't he handsome?

He even tied his bow tie himself. No clip-ons for this young man.

(He said it only took him twenty minutes.)

Okay, on to your funnies.

I've done a few little old lady jokes lately. Let's give the guys a turn.

An old man loses his job but, because of his age, can't find a new one. So he decides he'll have to live off his wits instead. He opens a clinic and places a sign in the window that says:

“Get Treatment For Any Condition - $50, If Not Cured Get Back $100.

Limit three visits per patient.”

The young doctor in town sees the sign and figures he will show up the old man and earn a quick hundred dollars in the process, so he goes inside and says, "I need help. I've lost my sense of taste."

The old man tells his nurse, "Bring medicine bottle seven and place three drops on this patient's tongue."

The nurse complies.

The doctor quickly spits out the liquid, saying, "That's not medicine, it's gasoline."

"Wonderful," the old man replied. "You have your sense of taste back. That will be fifty dollars."

The doctor is furious at being fooled and returns the next day to earn back his money. "I've lost my memory," he told the old man. "I can't remember a thing."

"Nurse, bring bottle seven and place three drops on this patient's tongue."

"Wait a minute. I'm not falling for that one again. That's gasoline."

"Excellent. Your memory is restored. Fifty dollars, please."

The doctor pays the fee but comes back the next day for one last try, determined to get his hundred dollars back.

"Please help me. My eyesight is failing. I can barely see."

The old man thinks for a minute then says, "I'm sorry. I can't do anything for you. Here's one hundred dollars."

"Oh no," the doctor tells him. "You can't trick me. That's only a fifty dollar bill."

"Congratulations, your eyesight is all better. That will be fifty dollars."

I guess the moral of the story is...don't mess with senior citizens. 

And for you teenagers who think you're putting one over on your poor ancient teachers...

Nope, you're not fooling anyone.

Running a little long here so let's go straight to your "aw".

The caption almost made this one a "funny" but the poor little guy was an "aw" for me.

How about you?

Did that do it? Enough of a boost to get you over the hump and coasting toward the weekend?

I hope so.

That disaster work has put me behind schedule on a couple end of month deadlines (and the month ends TOMORROW! Yikes!) so I won't be visiting anyone for a few days. I'll try to catch up soon.

Congratulations to everyone who completed the A-Z challenge this month.

Please stop by next Wednesday. I've got something special for you.

Have a great day/week/weekend.

Thought for Today:

Ain't it the truth?

Hump Day - Short and Sweet

Happy Hump Day

I've noticed my hump day posts have been running a little long lately and since most of us have limited time for blog reading, I'm changing to a shorter format for a while. Please let me know what you think.

I love dogs. We've always had dogs as part of our family. I believe dogs are incredibly loving and faithful and intelligent. But sometimes...just on occasion, I question their honesty. 

You know what I mean?

How about a little old lady joke? (My favorites.)

Sylvia and Wanda, two very old friends, meet up in heaven. They're startled to see each other.

"Wanda! What are you doing here? I didn't know you'd passed."

"Oh, it's just been a couple days. I didn't know you were here either. How did you die?"

"I froze to death."

"Oh, my dear, that sounds terrible."

"It wasn't so bad. After I stopped shaking, I began to feel all warm and sleepy and just drifted away. What about you?"

"Heart attack. My own fault really. I thought my husband was cheating on me so I came home early to catch him in the act."

"And did you?"

"No. He was sitting there alone watching TV. But I was sure there was a woman there somewhere. I started searching all over the house. I ran up to the attic and down to the basement. I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept racing around until I was exhausted and I just keeled over with a massive heart attack and died."

"Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, dear. We'd both still be alive."

Be honest. Did you see that one coming?

Time for your "aw".

I've done a lot of "aw" pictures with puppies and kittens and babies. Even otters.

How about a pair of loving fawns?

Did you say it?

Okay, that's it. Are we there? Over the mid-week hump?

Excellent!

Does the shorter post format work for you?

Have a great day, week, and weekend.

See you next Wednesday.

Thought for Today:

Battling Church Signs and Other Hump Day Nonsense

Happy Hump Day.

I'm going to do something different this week. Your first funny of the day is a series of battling church signs. 

Now before anyone takes offense, I know these aren't real and they aren't meant to reflect the actual beliefs of any particular faith. They're just for fun, okay?

 

Personally, I would love to believe these were actual signs but my son was quick to point out they were obviously Photoshopped. I don't care, they still made me laugh.

How about a little old lady joke?

(You know why I claim the right to tell these.)

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a State Trooper saw a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour. Knowing a car going that slowly could be just as dangerous as a speeder, he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. As he approached the car, he noticed there were five old ladies - two in the front and three in the back of the car - wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver was obviously confused. "Officer, I don`t understand, I know I wasn't speeding. What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma`am, you weren`t speeding, but driving significantly slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly -- twenty-two miles an hour."

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

"Oh dear," she replied, "that's right. Thank you. I see the difference now."

"Well, I'm going to let you go this time," the officer said, "but I have to ask...is everyone okay?  These women seem awfully shaken up."

"Oh, they`ll be fine in a minute, Officer. We just got off Route 119."

I didn't get a picture of that lady with her friends but I did get this one of her with her dog.

I think she's on Route 119 again.

Okay, the church signs ran this post a bit longer than usual so I'm jumping straight to your "aw".

There's nothing like sharing a nap with your best friend.

Aw, come on. You know you said it.

I want to take a second and thank my blog friend Alex Cavanaugh, the Ninja Captain, who gave this blog a very nice mention in his post yesterday.  He also referred to me as "someone with a pure heart", quite the nicest compliment I can think of.  Thank you, Alex.

If you don't follow Alex's blog (is there anyone who doesn't follow Alex's blog), you really should stop by. Especially now during the A-Z Challenge.

 Okay, are we there? Over the mid-week hump?

Oh, yeah - we're sailing toward the weekend!

Have a great one and I'll see you next Wednesday.

Thought for Today:

Hump Day - Running Ahead of the Storm

Happy Hump Day

Okay, I admit it. Hump Day sort of sneaked up on me this week. I felt a little like this guy.

What the... Where did that come from?

I'm also having a little trouble getting anything done this morning because we have thunder rumbling through and when Sophie can't find a good place to hide...

...she insists on being held. 

Kind of like this guy.

(This is an oldie but I still love it.)

Sophie's not that big but it's still very hard to type this way.

Maybe I should get her some brownies.

Well, at least the thunder wouldn't bother her.

This joke is a follow-up on one of last week's, from a slightly older perspective.

This is from Scotland where students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He came up wit six: 

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

But then he was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.  

 Bet he got an A.

I'm going to keep this post short because that thunder had morphed into a monster storm and I'm betting we lose power soon. 

(I tried to capture the local weather radar map but it didn't copy well. We're just in front of that dark red.)

So let's jump to your weekly aw.

I should have had this one for last week's post since my theme was "soggy".

Did you know otters hold hands when they sleep so they don't drift apart with the current?

Maybe we should all do that.

Getting darker here so let's wrap it up.

Hope this shorter post still had enough giggles and grins to get you over the hump and on your way to the weekend.

Have a great week/weekend and I'll see you next Wednesday.

Thought for Today:

(perfect for a stormy day, don't you think?)

Back From Vacation or A Soggy Blog

Happy Hump Day

I hope everyone got through last week without your hump day funnies to help you along. 

Hubby and I were in Puerto Rico with my eldest and his family, enjoying the kids' spring break.  It was the perfect getaway from the end of a long cold winter.

We spent time on the ocean.

 

And in the ocean.

And even in a pool that overlooked the ocean.

(We're at the edge of the pool. The darker blue behind is the ocean below us.)

Alas, all great things must come to an end, and that includes vacations. 

So here we are, back to the daily grind and needing a little something to get us over the midweek hump.

Hey, do you know the difference between friendship among men and friendship among women?

Friendship among Women:   A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.  The man called his wife's 10 best friends.  None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:  A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.  The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.  Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Nah, I don't think that's true. Do you?

In keeping with my earlier pool picture, I think these guys have the right idea.

How about a couple kid jokes?

 Here's one.

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued  and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. 

After mulling over my answers, she remarked, “My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.”   

We took a ton of pictures while we were gone (aren't you glad I'm not making you look at them all). Sometimes I think the kids started to feel like this.

Hey, it's hard to keep holding that smile.

Here's kid joke two.

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her injection.

 

“No, no, no!” she screamed.

 

“Lizzie,” scolded by her mother, "that's not polite behavior.”

 

With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you!"   

 Well...it's polite. 

I wanted to try to stay with the vacation theme for all of today's pictures and I even found one for your "aw".

Naturally, on vacation, a guy wants to kick back and put his feet up.

I think he's got it.

Are we there? Over the hump? I hope so.

(My midweek is a little off because we just got back so today feels like Monday to me.)

I'm still working my way through the 583 e-mails that arrived while I was gone so forgive me if it takes me a couple days to visit everyone.

Have a great week/weekend. See you here next Wednesday.

Question for Today: