Hump Day Funnies from the London Tube

Happy Hump Day

Actually, it's not a happy day for me. I discovered yesterday that the engagement ring I've been wearing for the past 49 years (alongside my wedding band for 48) has disappeared. I've spent the last twenty-four hours unsuccessfully searching for it, hence this late and rather limited post. But I didn't want to neglect you so I'm offering these...Funnies from the London Tube.

These came to me with the claim that all were actually said by London train drivers to their passengers. If they are, they're fabulous. If not, they're still worth a chuckle. Try to hear the appropriate voice (accent) as you read them.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad  news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

"We are now traveling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

"Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided." 

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

By the way, I'm claiming the right to share jokes about our British friends the same way I do for little old lady jokes. My Dad immigrated to the States with his parents from England and I still have family across the pond.   

Jumping straight to your "aw".

This one needs no words

 You know you said it.

That's it for today. Was it enough? Are you over the mid-week hump? I hope so. Wouldn't want to leave you stuck there.

I have to go back to my search now. Wish me luck.See you next week.

Thought for Today:

It's not the value of an item but the memories tied to it that matter. 

 

Dog Thoughts and the London Tube - Now That's a Pairing

Happy Hump Day

It's a nippy (single digits) day here in Ohio. There's snow on the ground and more on the way. If you're in New England or even New York, you have my sympathies. Stay safe. If your someplace warm and sunny...I hate you.

Just kidding. (sort of)

 I really don't mind winter but I do miss being able to open the dog door. The sliding glass door leading to our backyard didn't lend itself to a year-round dog door but we found this cool device that lets you install a flap door in the screen. Of course, it only works if the glass door is open and just the screen door is closed but it's very nice in the summer.

Anyway, our Sophie has figured out that we always respond to her scratching at the door - assuming she needs to go out. So she's taken to scratching at the door when she wants something to eat and when one of us walks to the door to let her out, she runs over to her food dish. She's on a diet right now so these calls to the food dish (or the area where the food dish would be if we've picked it up) are getting annoyingly frequent, but I know the one time I ignore her will be the time she really does need to go out.  

If only we could hear a dog's thoughts...

Oh yeah, I've had a few that were probably thinking this.

This is why saying "no" doesn't work.

I'm not sure about this one but I've had it for a while and it always makes me smile. Plus it looks like spring and some of us could use a little spring today.

Okay, we've had church ladies and hospital staff and English students. Let's finish off the month with London train drivers.

This is supposedly a list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers. I wasn't there but based on the sense (senses?) of humor of my British friends, I can believe these.

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "We are now traveling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad  news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

5) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

6) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

7) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

8) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

9) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

10) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

Gotta love 'em.

I have to admit today's "aw" is personal. My mom had Chihuahuas and I remember one that looked just like this. Her name was Tuppence.

Worked for me, How about you?

So, did we get there? Are you over the midweek hump? 

Going to make it to the weekend?

Great!

Did you have any favorites?

Have a wonderful week/weekend and I'll see you next Wednesday.

Thought for Today (on friendship):