Hump Day Funnies from the London Tube

Happy Hump Day

Actually, it's not a happy day for me. I discovered yesterday that the engagement ring I've been wearing for the past 49 years (alongside my wedding band for 48) has disappeared. I've spent the last twenty-four hours unsuccessfully searching for it, hence this late and rather limited post. But I didn't want to neglect you so I'm offering these...Funnies from the London Tube.

These came to me with the claim that all were actually said by London train drivers to their passengers. If they are, they're fabulous. If not, they're still worth a chuckle. Try to hear the appropriate voice (accent) as you read them.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad  news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

"We are now traveling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

"Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided." 

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

By the way, I'm claiming the right to share jokes about our British friends the same way I do for little old lady jokes. My Dad immigrated to the States with his parents from England and I still have family across the pond.   

Jumping straight to your "aw".

This one needs no words

 You know you said it.

That's it for today. Was it enough? Are you over the mid-week hump? I hope so. Wouldn't want to leave you stuck there.

I have to go back to my search now. Wish me luck.See you next week.

Thought for Today:

It's not the value of an item but the memories tied to it that matter.