All Hump Day Funnies (No Commercials.)

 Happy Hump Day

And since I really owe you some funnies with no self-promotion attached - today is an All-Funnies Post. So let's dive right in.

You know the media has taken a lot of hits lately with suggestions of "fake news" and such, but I find my local newspaper very informative.

There's national news...

 local news....

money saving coupons...

 and occasionally a really useful ad in the classified section.

Well, let's be honest here. I usually just read the comics.

Has anyone been in the hospital lately? If you have, you'll understand this next one.

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital and timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?" "Norma Findlay, Room 302." "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone. "I have good news.Her nurse said Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her latest blood work is normal, and her doctor has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday." The grandmother said, "Oh, that's wonderful!  I was so worried!  Thank you. God bless you for the good news." "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me sh*t."  Go Granny. Okay, one more... A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan. What was that for?" the man asked. "That was for the piece of paper I found in your pocket with the name 'Jenny' written on it." "Dammit, woman. You're always jumping to conclusions. When I went to the track last week, Jenny was the name of a horse I bet on." His wife was immediately sorry, and offered to make him his favorite dinner. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out of the chair. As he got up, he asked her, "Now what was that for?" His wife replied, "Your horse phoned."   Did you see that one coming? Okay, time for your "aw"... We've done some bigger animals the last couple weeks but I'm still a sucker for dogs and babies.   You, too? Okay, did that do it? Are we over the hump? Oh well, we'll get there. I hope you found a giggle or a chuckle or even a good old guffaw to get you over the mid-week hump. May the rest of your week be great and your weekend fantastic.  See you next time. Thought for Today:  A smart person knows what to say. A wise person knows whether or not to say it.

More on Fish Out of Water and Your (late!) Hump Day Funnies

I'm late. I'm late. For a very important...hump day!.

I'm sorry. There's so much going on this month, I let time get away from me.

To make up for it, here's a quick funny. 

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell ."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What? You're coming empty handed?" 

Now a word from our sponsor. Or at least a little blatant self promotion.

Fish Out of Water, the fourth Anthology from the Guppy Chapter of Sisters in Crime, contains twenty-two stories of mystery and suspense, all dealing with someone moving out of their element.

In my story, "Of Roosters and Men", city girl Ella has returned to the family farm to settle her father's estate. It should be a simple thing but she hasn't counted on battling her farm-loving sister Cassie, her own mixed memories, and a nasty tempered Rhode Island Red named Duncan...

"The morning was one long reminder of why I belonged in the city. The July air was hot and sticky, and thick dust clung to my legs as I walked. The stupid goats were uncooperative and ungrateful. One young buck slammed me against the side of his pen and stomped on my foot. I preferred feeding the chickens…or would have, except for Duncan. 

He strutted around the yard, showing off for his ladies. A young Rhode Island Red, very handsome and downright mean. Before I left home, we’d had old George. He was a pussycat. But this guy was all bad attitude with razor sharp spurs."


Fish Out of Water is available now from Wideside Press and will be available soon on other popular online sites.  For more information about Fish Out of Water, check out our Facebook page.

Now back to your funnies.

Anyone have a cat?

Do these rules work at your house?

 Oh, come on. You know they're true.

Here's a spiritual funny for you.

In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.

Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

" Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said...

" DON'T SELL THAT COW."

You saw it coming, didn't you?

Okay, time for your weekly "aw".

You liked the loving giraffes last week.

How about a little "mama and her cub" love?

 

Yeah, it did it for me.

That's all for this week. Again, I'm sorry for being late but look at it this way...you're that much closer to the weekend.

Did the funnies help?  Did you have a favorite?

See you next week.

Deep Thought for Today:

Man who runs in front of car gets tired,
man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Still Me...After All These Years

Hi. I'm taking a break from my usual hump day funnies today to take part in the Blog Tour for 

STILL ME … AFTER ALL THESE YEARS: 

24 Authors Reflect on Aging  

by Karen Helene Walker 

(through MC Book Tours) 

I'm really delighted to be part of this wonderful collection of essays about aging, a topic that's getting all too familiar to me. Let me tell you a little about the book and all the contributing authors. Then check out the giveaway below. 

Poignant...Humorous...Brutally Honest!

A collection of personal reflections guaranteed to keep you inspired and entertained on that journey we all travel together: The Journey of Aging. 

With a blend of grace, dignity, warmth and humor, women and men from 60 to 90 and from all walks of life candidly share the blessings and pitfalls of aging – from keeping dreams alive and keeping sex lives active to dealing with retirement, loss of independence and a growing sense of mortality.

A BOOK ABOUT LIVING EVERY MOMENT OF LIFE!

STILL ME is available at the following sites: Amazon (print and Kindle), Barnes and Noble, Kobo, and iTunes. Be sure to add it to your shelf on Goodreads.

I'm especially proud to share the pages of Still Me with these great authors...

Rev. Clara Alexander is an ordained New Thought minister who creates and performs sacred ceremonies, including unique weddings, funerals, memorial services, baby blessings and house blessings. She is also a popular speaker, inspiring groups with her talks on how we cling to our grudges, how we overuse the phrase “I’m sorry” and how we can live the life we love. 

Wendy Brown recently retired from a career in wildlife biology, where she studied sandhill cranes and whooping cranes as they migrated from Idaho to New Mexico. Wendy eventually found a permanent home in Albuquerque, where she and her husband enjoy the sounds of sandhill cranes from their deck. Since retiring from state government in 2014.  

Valerie Capps has bypassed the porch rocking chair to pursue her life-long passion for writing, thereby proving that in today’s world, life can begin again at 65! Valerie lives in Nashville with her husband and their spoiled-rotten Welsh Corgi. www.amazon.com/Valerie-Capps/e/B016VD9V72 

Mary W. Clark retired from her law practice in 2007 and transferred her observation and composition skills to travel writing. She is currently working on a book about her father’s World War II experience flying “the Hump” from India to China over the Himalayas. Mary lives in Paris, Texas. www.maryclarktraveler.com 

Fran Fischer: “I was born at a very young age and that happened 82 years ago, so I don’t remember much about it. I’ve crammed as much living into my life as possible, and I’m not through yet. I’ve traveled extensively and I even flew in the same zero-gravity plane that the astronauts trained in. I live in California with my first (and only) husband, and we celebrated our 62nd anniversary this year.” 

Pat Garcia (Patricia Anne Pierce-Garcia Schaack) is an American expatriate living in Europe. An accomplished musician as well as a writer, she has been writing (and reading) since childhood. 

Mark David Gerson is the author of more than a dozen books, including critically acclaimed titles for writers, award-winning fiction, and compelling memoirs. Known as “The Birthing Your Book Guru,” Mark David works with an international roster of clients as coach and consultant, helping them get their stories onto the page and into the world with ease. www.markdavidgerson.com 

Holly Deuel Gilster plays “make believe” for a living. In other words, she is a professional actress and musician. Holly also loves painting with words as an accomplished poet, an award-winning short-story writer and a book reviewer for The Or Echo. 

Aaron Gordon is a retired social sciences community college professor. He and his wife, Ellie, have been married for 65 years and have three children and grandchildren. 

Ellie Gordon is a retired public school teacher who spent the best 20 years of her life in the classroom. A Chicago native, she now lives in New Mexico. 

Karla “Rosie” Harper recently retired from teaching elementary school, freeing her to return to her early love of dancing. Today, when not helping out with her grandchildren, Rosie is taking dance lessons, spinning on a dance floor or performing in senior centers and retirement communities with Albuquerque’s Sugartime, as a singer as well as a dancer. 

Linda Hoye is the author of Two Hearts: An Adoptee’s Journey Through Grief to Gratitude, available through major online retailers. A native of Saskatchewan, Linda currently lives in British Columbia (by way of Washington State) with her husband and doted-upon Yorkshire Terrier. www.lindahoye.com 

E.V. Legters hasn’t so much retired as she has exchanged one life for another — from rewarding years with career and children (while pursuing the arts on the fly) to a life with the arts at its center. She is the author of Vanishing Point and Connected Underneath and is currently hard at work on her third novel. www.evlegters.com 

Kathleen Messmer not only runs a film production company with offices in the UK and the US, she is an avid photographer and wildlife advocate. In the unlikely event that she ever retires, Kathleen plans to live on a ranch with draft horses and pygmy goats and vineyards and fruit orchards, somewhere near the water. Oh, and a cowboy...maybe. www.kathleenmessmer.com 

Karen Norstad has worked as cashier/gift wrapper, secretary, boutique seamstress, administrative assistant, manager of employee stock options, executive assistant, and budget analyst. Now retired, Karen’s life revolves around lounging about, wearing PJs until four in the afternoon, obsessing over the news, reading, fusing and slumping glass, practicing piano, keeping a small balcony garden and cooking. 

Matt Nyman’s nonlinear career path has included working in the geological sciences, teaching high school, stay-at-home parenting and, currently, training tomorrow’s teachers. Poetry equently resides near the surface of his existence, occasionally erupting onto paper. 

Jill Plaman was born and began aging in Milwaukee, but she has lived and worked in Albuquerque since 1977. She holds a BS from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee and an MSW from the University of Minnesota. Her special interests are travel, international folk dancing, reading, hiking and spending time with family and friends. 

Maureen Polikoff is a clinical social worker/ therapist who has always pursued many other creative endeavors, including painting, playing music and, now, writing. A Connecticut native, she lives in New Mexico with her husband, Michael. 

MaryFrank Sanborn left Boston 33 years ago, to apprentice with photographer Walter Chappell in Santa Fe. Still in love with the beauty of the Southwest, MaryFrank photographs, writes, hikes, travels, teaches yoga and meditation, makes soups on Sundays, and dreams of the ocean and whales. 

Patricia Stoltey is the author of four mystery novels. The most recent is Wishing Caswell Dead. She lives in Northern Colorado with Sassy Dog, Katie Cat and her husband, Bill. www.patriciastolteybooks.com 

Susan Swiderski grew up in Dundalk, Maryland, where everybody calls everybody hon and eating steamed crabs is a sacrament. Although she’s happy in her adopted Georgia, part of her heart still lingers on the shores of Chesapeake Bay, explaining the setting for her novel, Hot Flashes and Cold Lemonade. Susan is currently working on a trilogy, proof that this old gal is still a pathological optimist. www.susan-swiderski.blogspot.com 

Jan Castle Walker is a retired teacher and an active artist. She lives in Davis, California with her husband, Mack. www.jancastlewalker.com 

Karen Helene Walker is a novelist, memoirist and essayist and the author of The Wishing Steps and Following the Whispers. When not writing, Karen is tap dancing, folk dancing or performing with the musical group Sugartime at retirement communities. Karen is currently working on her second memoir. www.karenfollowingthewhispers.blogspot.com 

and, of course, yours truly -

LD Masterson lived on both coasts before becoming landlocked in Ohio. After twenty years managing computers for the American Red Cross, she now divides her time between writing, volunteer work and enjoying her grandchildren. Her short stories have been published in several magazines and anthologies, and she is currently working on a new novel. www.ldmasterson.com
 

You can follow along on the tour by checking out the schedule HERE.


Now for the ...

This tour-wide giveaway is for two (2) print copies (U.S. entries only) and two (2) eBook copies of STILL ME … AFTER ALL THESE YEARS: 24 Authors Reflect on Aging. The giveaway will end at 12 a.m. (EST) on Tuesday, April 4.

To enter, click on the Rafflecopter widget below and follow the instructions. The widget may take a few seconds to load so please be patient.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

  Special thanks to

Oh, don't worry. Blog tour or not,

you still get your "aw".

I picked this one to remind us that 

not every "aw" is small and cuddly.

 

But love is always worth an "aw".

Thanks for letting me share all about Still Me...After All These Years. I hope you'll give it a look.

I promise you some extra hump day funnies next week. See you then.


Thought for Today: