Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Cats and English Students - Always Good for a Laugh

 Happy Hump Day

Hope you're here for your hump day funnies because I've got some good ones for you today. But first I want to indulge in a quick Nana moment.

I'm a regular blood donor. My grandson recently turned sixteen (the minimum age for donating) and went with me yesterday to give blood. He said he thought it was important. Knowing how he feels about needles, I was really proud of him.


As we're still finishing up the Christmas holiday, I have to share this one.

That poor kitty will never be the same.

We didn't have a white Christmas here but we have had quite a bit of snow and cold since New Years.

 Hey, he'll be okay. Cats are resilient, right?

I've heard they're also very brave... 
but I hope this one listens to his friend.

That could be ugly.

Okay, so far this month we've had church bloopers and hospital chart bloopers. How about some words of wisdom from our students - specifically high school English students? 

For your reading enjoyment, I give you...

Annual English Teachers awards for best metaphors/analogies from student papers.

 His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

(And my personal favorite...)

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law George. But unlike George, this plan just might work.

Ah, the future of literature is bright.

I stayed with kitties for all today's, not including my grandson.  It was the expression on this cat's face that made this one an "aw" for me. Pure bliss.

Don't you think so?

Did we get there? Are you over the mid-week hump and sailing toward a great weekend? I hope so.

Did you have a favorite?

Have a great week. I'll see you next Wednesday.

Oh, and as we're getting into the new year, I want to offer this 
Prayer for the Year:
Dear Lord,
My prayer for 2015 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.  Please don't mix these up like you did last year. 



Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

A dog at a fire hydrant - priceless! Although I think the pinhole one is my favorite.
That one cat is going to be lunch.

L. Diane Wolfe said...

LOL! I didn't know land mines were so dangerous for ducks.

I just want to hold that poor shaken kitty.

Clarissa Draper said...

Oh, I just loved them! Man, I should make metaphors like these.

I loved these two:

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

Julie Flanders said...

I love the garbage truck backing up. Now that's real romance. :D
Love the prayer too. That's how it went for me last year.

Kudos to your grandson! You certainly have reason to be proud. :)

Lexa Cain said...

Yay for your brave grandson! The kitten under dog's ear is SO cute I may be going into sweetness overload!! lol Thanks for the funny pics and ridiculously silly kids' lines. And I hope Ted doesn't try it.

Murees Dupé said...

You know me, I just love the aw. Your grandson was very brave to donate blood even though he's afraid of needles. You should definitely be proud.

Donna K. Weaver said...

Yay for your grandson! The start of many donations, I hope.

LD Masterson said...

Alex - I almost left out the one with the pinhole because it was so long but it was just flat out funny.

DIane - I'll never be able to hear the phrase "lame duck" again without chuckling.

Clarissa - The tree one cracked me up.

Julie - Oh, yeah, I must have said that prayer backwards last year because that's what I got.

Lexa - you're welcome and I hope so, too.

Susan Gourley/Kelley said...

The jeopardy is funny because I remember my mother visiting and being so upset because it was on at a different time here.
And AMEN to that prayer.

Julie Dao said...

I love the brother-in-law George one - hysterical!

LD Masterson said...

Murees - We share that fear of needles so we help each other.

Donna - Well, he says he's going with again next time.

Susan G/K - I was always freaked out if Johnny Carson didn't start at 11.

Julie - Oh yeah, I wish I'd written that one.

Stacy McKitrick said...

All those metaphors were funny. Brought tears to my eyes! :)

Elizabeth Seckman said...

So many funny ones! I can't pick a favorite. Oh wait, yes I can- the one with the freight trains!

Kaye George said...

Thanks for the much needed laughs tonight! I'll join you in that prayer. said...

The underpants one does give me a clear visual. I think it's pretty clever. The entire list cracked me up. And thankfully, cats are very resilient.
Be well, LD. xo

Maria Zannini said...

I wondered how old you had to be to give blood.

I thought it was 18 and was afraid Drake had suddenly become two years older without me realizing it.

LD Masterson said...

Stacy - Oh dear, I don't usually make people cry.

Elizabeth - Yup, that kid wanted credit from his Math teacher, too.

Kaye - My pleasure. (We can pray for each other.)

Robyn - I think the clearest visual award has to go to the 6 foot 3 inch tree. LOL

Maria - Nope, you didn't lose two years, although it does seems sometimes like he's growing that fast. I don't know what the rules are in other areas but here you can give at 16 with written permission from your parents. Lots of high schools do blood drives. (We did the one at our church.)

Margo said...

Just read your last three posts and had to share them on Twitter. I couldn't choose a favorite. Too many good ones. I loved them. Thank you so much.

Sherry Ellis said...

Those metaphors were hilarious! I bet the teachers got a good laugh reading them! Nice prayer, too! ;0)

Arlee Bird said...

Actually I thought a lot of those examples from the English papers were pretty good--or at least unique. I'd like to read more from any of these budding authors.

Tossing It Out

Karen Lange said...

Ah, you made me laugh out loud. Yes, the future of literature could be rather interesting. And well, we just might gain some new sayings from it. You never know. :) Happy weekend!

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

Some of those metaphors are absolutely priceless. Makes me want to see what else those kids wrote. (I hope they were TRYING to be funny.)

Talking about kids, you must be VERY proud of your grandson. What a good kid.

Heather Holden said...

LOL, those poor kitties, especially the box one! That final pic is definitely aw-worthy, though. So precious!

LD Masterson said...

Margo - Hey, thanks for sharing!

Sherry - Glad you enjoyed.

Lee - I'll definitely give them "unique". Some were great.

Karen - Happy weekend to you,too.

Susan F.S. - Yes, he is and I am very proud. Thanks.

Heather - Yup, it was a definite aw for me.

Cathy Kennedy said...

Poor little kitty! You know, that reminds me of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation where Clark shakes the Christmas present that Aunt Bethany brought to their house and it meowed. lol Oh that's such a priceless movie! Great hump-day funnies! I truly enjoyed them all! :D

Linda G. said...

That pic of the bloodhound and the kitten -- aaawww. Cutest thing ever. And good for your grandson! He sounds like a great guy. :)

Tyrean Martinson said...

Her laugh is like the sound of a dog puking . . . hilarious. :)

And yes, awwww, to that sweet kitty expression.

Way to go with your grandson. I'm not good at donating blood - I was dehydrated last time I had to give blood to a doctor for tests and after 8 needles . . . well, I really didn't want to give blood for anything after that.

Have a wonderful week!

mshatch said...

"She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up."

This gets my vote - I know exactly what that sounds like.

Marcia said...

My favorites might be the freight train one and the one about Jeopardy. Because in that last one there really is a bit of truth.

LD Masterson said...

Cathy - Total agree about Christmas Vacation. It's a classic. Glad you liked these.

Linda G. - Yup, you're right on both of those.

Tyrean - Since this was my grandson's first time, I really stressed that he had to drink a lot of water before we went. He almost floated onto the table. *grin*

mshatch - Oh, me too! All too well.

Macia - I know. I told someone earlier that I hated it when we traveled and Johnny Carson wasn't on at 11:00. It just made everything wrong.

Carol Kilgore said...

My favorite analogy is the same as yours. Poor George :)

Happy Weekend!

Kristin Smith said...

Haha! Thanks for the laugh! I love the image of the graceful ballerina like a dog at a fire hydrant—too funny! And your prayer is perfect—that's what I want too for this year! Hehe. :)

Cate Masters said...

Poor snowy kitty does not look happy!
I have the same prayer for this year as you. :)

alexia said...

Good for your grandson! Cute pics :) My fave student quote is the one about the lame duck and the land mine. It has panache :)

LD Masterson said...

Carol - Thanks, you too.

Kristen - Glad you liked them.

Cate - I think he looks seriously, annoyed.

Alexia - It's got something. Lol

Empty Nest Insider said...

It's great that your grandson generously offered to donate blood like his grandma! Bravery must run in the family too! Cute photo! Loved the samples from the English professor! The one about the underpants was my favorite! Of course, George was also in the running!


Mike Keyton said...

I liked your favorourite. I liked this too He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. A born engineer or comic perhaps. The informant and the East river one reminded me of every badly written hardboiled pulp novel I've ever read. There's an art to the mangled metaphor :)

LD Masterson said...

Julie - Good choice. I liked the underwear one too.

Mike - I'm guessing engineer. They're so literal.

Eva Prokop said...

I love these! Especially the one about the solar eclipse and the box with the pinhole in it...awesome!

LD Masterson said...

Eva - Thanks. Glad you liked them.