Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Hump Day Funnies from the London Tube

Happy Hump Day

Actually, it's not a happy day for me. I discovered yesterday that the engagement ring I've been wearing for the past 49 years (alongside my wedding band for 48) has disappeared. I've spent the last twenty-four hours unsuccessfully searching for it, hence this late and rather limited post. But I didn't want to neglect you so I'm offering these...Funnies from the London Tube.

These came to me with the claim that all were actually said by London train drivers to their passengers. If they are, they're fabulous. If not, they're still worth a chuckle. Try to hear the appropriate voice (accent) as you read them.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad  news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

"We are now traveling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

"Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided." 

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

By the way, I'm claiming the right to share jokes about our British friends the same way I do for little old lady jokes. My Dad immigrated to the States with his parents from England and I still have family across the pond.   

Jumping straight to your "aw".
This one needs no words

 You know you said it.

That's it for today. Was it enough? Are you over the mid-week hump? I hope so. Wouldn't want to leave you stuck there.

I have to go back to my search now. Wish me luck.See you next week.

Thought for Today:

It's not the value of an item but the memories tied to it that matter. 


Karen Walker said...

Oh dear, LD, I hope you find it.

L. Diane Wolfe said...

LOL! Love the one about passing Baker Street.

I'm sorry you can't find your ring. I ended up losing all but one stone in mine so my husband just bought me a nicer one.

Carol Kilgore said...

Love your Thought of the Day - it's priceless. I wish you every success in finding your ring.

Donna B. McNicol said...

Oh no! I hope you find your ring soon...that's a traumatic event!!!

DB McNicol, author & traveler

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

Those Brit lines were great. My favorite was the one about "Oh go ahead, stuff yourself in like sardines..." Too funny. The sauna one is good, too.

Now, the important stuff. Any luck finding your ring? I know exactly where the engagement ring my hubby gave me 49 years ago is, but it sure isn't on my finger. I'm impressed that yours still fits. I was skinny back then. Now... I'm not. Good luck finding it.

Angela Brown said...

Said for real or not, those were so hilarious!

I hope you able to find your ring soon :-(

Maria Zannini said...

Oh, I'm so sorry about your ring!

I'm sure you've retraced your steps a thousand times. You don't think Sophie took it, do you? A little bling for her collar?

Hope you find it.

Crystal Collier said...

You know, with all the crazy things I saw on the subway while living in NYC, I can only imagine some of the things these people have experienced/tolerated.

I hope your ring turns up. My heart is hurting for you just over the fact it's missing.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Really sorry you can't find your ring.
I used to live in London and those are probably made up just because of the dialogue used. But still funny!

LD Masterson said...

To everyone, the search for my ring continues. I'll post an extra comment when I find it. (Staying positive.)

Karen - Thanks. Me, too.

Diane - That was my favorite as a funny plus it was yhe one stop I remember from our visit there. And my ring only had one stone. We didn't money for more back then.

Carol - Bet you could tell it was an ad lib.

Donna - Thanks. It really feels that way.

Susan F.S. - Glad you liked them. And, I not only can still wear my ring. I can still get into part of my wedding dress. The veil. Lol

Angela - I'm glad they gave you a laugh. And thanks.

Maria - I don't think Sophie's a blind kind of girl.

Chrystal - I always enjoy the NYC subway. Cheaper entertainment than Broadway. (Mine is, too.)

Alex - I figured they might be but funny is funny and that's what I was going for.

Lexa Cain said...

"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

It's obvious to me that I was born to be an Underground Conductor. ;)

LD Masterson said...

Lexa - Oh definitely. I just want to be on that train, listening to you.

Jemi Fraser said...

Those are fabulous!! I can't imagine the comments that go through their heads that they can't/shouldn't print!

Good luck with the ring!!!! Sending 'lucky' vibes your way

Carol Kilgore said...

Linda, I checked my newsletter signups, and you're there. Wanted to make sure you saw my response. Thanks!

LD Masterson said...

Thanks, Carol. With my memory, I might sign up every week. said...

Aw yes, he/she's a cutie.
Sorry about your ring. I really hope it turns up, as things do, when you're not madly trying to find it.
Take care, LD.

Hilary Melton-Butcher said...

Hi LD - I hope you find your ring - with luck it will just materialise from somewhere 'silly' ... take care and let's hope ...

We do have some very clever announcers at various times ... they lighten the frustration of a minor problem on the trains ... a laugh is a good thing in some circumstances ... cheers Hilary

LD Masterson said...

Robyn - Hey, you're the first person to comment on my "aw". Thanks. I thought he was a sure winner.

Hilary - I think a laugh is a good thing in most circumstances.

To all - it's not looking good for the great ring search. I may have to accept the fact that I've lost it. *sigh* But I've still got the guy who gave it to me. We celebrate our 48th anniversary next week.

Susan Gourley/Kelley said...

Hope you found your ring. Those Brits are experts at sarcasm.

LD Masterson said...

Susan G/K - Oh, absolutely. No one better.

Arlee Bird said...

Sorry to hear about the ring--hope it showed up or shows up eventually. My wife lost her ring last year when we were on vacation. I don't know if there's much likelihood she'll ever find it unless it's still in a suitcase or something.

Arlee Bird
Tossing It Out

Heather R. Holden said...

Oh, no! So sorry about your ring, and that it's been such a struggle to find it. Keeping my fingers crossed that it'll pop up eventually!

And love that "aw." Such a precious puppy!

LD Masterson said...

Lee - I hope it does turn out to be in a suitcase. I lost a favorite necklace on vacation and found it months later in the side pocket of a tote bag where I'd tucked it for safekeeping while we were swimming.

Heather - I'm starting to resign myself to the fact that it may be gone. But thank you.

Donna K. Weaver said...

Ugh. A lost ring. Someone stole my mom's right (she had died the year before) when I was in school. Broke my heart.

LD Masterson said...

Donna - Oh, that stinks. Someone having it stolen is worse that losing it.

Mike Keyton said...

I'm sorry about your ring, too, Linda. All I can say is you'll never forget it.

Ref those London jokes - the underground is so horribly uncomfortable in hot weather/rush hour the humour is needed. There was much the same dark humour during the blitz :)

LD Masterson said...

Thaks, Mike. I think dark humor is a necessity some times. Keeps us sane.

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