Funnies and Riddles for Hump Day

Happy Hump Day

Good morning. Are you ready for your weekly funnies to help you over the hump and on the way to the weekend? Well, let's go.

Looking for some goodies for today's post, I came across a page of Haiku poems I received in my former life as an IT manager. I think we can relate to a few of these.

Chaos reigns within.
     Reflect, repent, and reboot.
     Order shall return.

With searching comes loss
     and the presence of absence:
     "My Novel" not found.

Three things are certain:
     Death, taxes, and lost data.
     Guess which has occurred.

Let me know if you like these and I'll toss in a couple more next week.

This picture just cracked me up.

How about a joke?

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather, and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.  On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So, when Bubba's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake where Bubba stepped out of the boat ... And nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.  Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his pappy, and his pappy before him?'

Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your father, your grandfather, and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you idiot.’

Did you see it coming?

This video may be lost on my younger readers but some of you will have the memories to really appreciate it. This is a clip of screen legend James Cagney and Bob Hope - comedian, TV and movie star, and hero to generations of US service men and woman. When this was filmed, Hope was 52 and Cagney was 56.

Ah, thanks for the memories, guys.

I didn't forget your "aw" moment.  This one's a little different but it got an "aw" from me.

Did it work for you?

Okay - now for what you've all been waiting for. Or some of you? A couple of you?

Here are this week's riddles.

1. What can you never eat for breakfast?

2. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? 

3. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? 

 Good luck.

 
 That's it. Hope this got you over the hump. Have a great weekend and I'll see you on Monday.

Thought for the Day:

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..

 

More on PSWA and Riddle Answers

Yup, I'm late posting again this Monday.  Things have been a little hectic. Last week I was helping out at my grandson's band camp. Prepping, serving, and cleaning up lunch and dinner every day for 120 hungry marching band members and staff.

Then this weekend I was out with our local disaster recovery team helping an elderly couple who had major wind damage in their yard.

It's wonderful to be able to help but this morning, I'm really dragging.

However...on to the topic of the day, 

more from the PSWA Conference.

(By the way, I finally figured out how to get pictures out of my phone.)

 Pouring through my notes, it's hard to decide what to share. Today, I'm going with some excellent tips on adding realism to your story.  These are from a panel presentation by Michelle Perin, Kathleen Ryan, Janet Greger, Madeline Gornell, Michael Angley, Steve Scarborough and Ellen Kirschman.

Setting -

• Use or create a map(s) of your setting and post it near your writing spot. Add photos or postcards to keep your visuals fresh in your mind. 
• Visit the setting location when possible. 
• Research geography (Google Satellite maps are good for this) and weather patterns. If you visit your site in summer, but set your story in winter, make sure you make the correct adjustments.
• Use your characters' reactions to the setting rather than describing it to help the reader feel the surroundings.

Characters -

• Use attributes of people you like when creating your protagonist. Use attributes of people you dislike for your antagonist. 
• Include speech patterns in your characters' profiles. 
• Give your character a birth date and use the traits from the appropriate astrological sign.

 Note: if you use jargon or foreign phrases to add authenticity, make sure the reader knows what those words mean.

 Of course, attending any writers' conference always means getting together with friends and making new ones. Here I am with Conference Program Chair Marilyn Meredith and a new friend, author Sharon Arthur Moore.

 Okay, I don't want to run long here so let's get directly to...

The Official Answers to Last Week's Riddles

 1. The River Ravi flows in which state? - Liquid.

2. What is the main reason for divorce? - Marriage (hard to have a divorce without one)

3. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? - Wet
 
My thanks to everyone who gave them a try (with or without offering your answers). How about you? Did you get them all?  Two? One?  Care to try again on Wednesday?

Thought for the Day:

THE THINGS THAT COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT MAY BE THE THINGS LEFT BY THOSE WHO GOT THERE FIRST.

Hump Day Funnies and More Riddles

Happy Hump Day

I'm running a bit late on everything this week. Blame Band Camp. My grandson's high school is holding their on-site (meaning at the school) band camp this week and I've been volunteering to help prepare and serve lunch and dinner (about three hours per meal). It's a lot of fun but sure plays havoc with my work schedule.

However, let's get to the important stuff...your hump day funnies.

I have no idea if this first one is fact or fiction but it's still funny.  I'm printing it here just as I received it in an e-mail. 

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
           
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

            P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
            S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
            *
            P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
            S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
            *
            P: Something loose in cockpit
            S: Something tightened in cockpit
            *
            P: Dead bugs on windshield.
            S: Live bugs on back-order.
            *
            P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
            S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
            *
            P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
            S: Evidence removed.
            *
            P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
            S: DME volume set to more believable level.
            *
            P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
            S: That's what friction locks are for.
            *
            P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
            S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
            *
            P: Suspected crack in windshield.
            S: Suspect you're right.
            *
            P: Number 3 engine missing.
            S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
            *
            P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
            S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
            *
            P: Target radar hums.
            S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
            *
            P: Mouse in cockpit.
            S: Cat installed.
            *
            And the best one for last
            *
            P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
            S: Took hammer away from the midget
                       

I don't usually include videos because I know many readers are pressed for time but this one is delightful. Have you ever thought of an elephant "scampering"? Neither had I until I watched this.  There's a particularly tender moment between the baby's parents around the three minute mark.

Now we have a Pre-Nuptial Agreement - Senior Style

An elderly couple in their 70's were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: Put me down for Fridays.

Hee hee hee.

Since the first one was a bit long, I'm going straight to your Hump Day Riddles. As always, the answers will be posted on Monday.

 

 1. The River Ravi flows in which state? 

2. What is the main reason for divorce?

3. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? 

The elephant video should probably take care of your "aw" for this week but just in case...

Aw, poor baby.

Okay, are we all good? Over the hump and on the way to the weekend. I hope so.

Did you have a favorite? Glad you don't fly UPS? Want to hug a baby elephant?

Good luck with the riddles. Have a great weekend and I'll see you on Monday.

Thought for the day:

He who hesitates is probably right.

 

Monday Morning Mish-mash

First, thanks to everyone who tried Friday's riddles. Here are the official answers.

1 - There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

He weighs meat. He's a butcher.

2 - Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Mt. Everest.  I didn't ask for the tallest "discovered" mountain. 

 3 - How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

None. A hole is an empty space.

Did everyone have a good weekend? I did. I got to celebrate Father's Day with my dad. He lives out of state so it's always a treat for me when we get together.

Can you see the family resemblance? Hint: it's in the caps.

One of the many things  I enjoy about this time of year is the return of those summer cable TV shows. I remember when summer meant nothing but re-runs. Now it's a whole second season. My favorite summer shows are Burn Notice (sadly in its final season), Rizzoli and Isles,  Major Crimes, Covert Affairs, and Suits.  How about you? Do you have any summer TV favorites.

News flash: I just found out a non-fiction piece I wrote has been selected for publication in an upcoming Chicken Soup for the Soul.  Can I get a woo woo?

I've got to post and run. It's going to be one of those days. I'll be around to visit everyone this evening or tomorrow morning.

Thoughts for Today:

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice when you put "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs"?