Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Hump Day Mish Mash Funnies

Happy Hump Day

It's a mish-mash funnies day. One of those posts of funnies that I didn't have a theme for or didn't have room for in another post. So don't look for any connection between these...except that they make you smile, chuckle, or even better, laugh out loud.

Let's start off with a little static cling.

"I thought that box was empty."

Okay, I apologize for this one in advance.

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that the urinals were too high, they couldn't reach them. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to stare, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I sure appreciate your help."

I know. That's so bad. 
(But I did apologize.)

This one just made me laugh. 


Moving on to bad joke number two.
(Hey, maybe I did have a theme today.)

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said "I do....why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.  

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto (who was a very fast runner) and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." 

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" 

(get ready)  

"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin'." 

Aw, come on. You laughed.
(I should be shot?)

Maybe I should look like this next guy...

 I've come home to a face like that.
It's never a good thing.

This is a little different from my usual "aw" pictures.
I think the "aw" comes from a deeper place 
and the message is important. 

My mom and dad were together for 65 years.

That's it for today.
Are we there? Over the hump?

Did you have a favorite?

I'm afraid you're going to have to get over the hump without me next week.
We're taking a little vacation and I'll be offline.

Do I hear the sound of weeping and gnashing of teeth?
Nah, I didn't think so. 

Be good and I'll see you in a couple of weeks.

 Thought for the Day:

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

I Thought Cats Were Supposed to be Bright

Happy Hump Day

Let week we had fun with a little dog shaming. 
This week I'm giving equal time to our feline friends.
No, not "shaming" - 
seriously, have you ever seen a guilty cat? -
these would fall under the heading of "not too bright".

Do you think we should tell him there's an easier way to reach that toy?

Like maybe walking around the door.

Oh, and to keep your brains in better shape than these kitties,
here are a few more entries from the
Engineer's Conversion Table.

Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

Here's another kitty who seems to have a problem with doors.

It's the flap on your right, sweetie. On your right.

More conversion units:
52 cards = 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds  

I especially like that last one.

 I'm not sure what this little guy was thinking.

But don't you love his expression?
 Hopefully that hand is coming to the rescue.

And still more conversion units:

1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

100 rations = 1 C-ration

 I can hear this guy thinking, "Oh crap. Now what."

 Little help here, please.

Okay, last of the conversion table:

2 monograms = 1 diagram

 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League


Since I picked on cats today, I know I should offer a cute kitten for your "aw",
but this picture just came my way yesterday and I fell in love with this face.

Bet you said it.
(Who could resist that smile?)

Alrighty then. Are we there? Over that dreaded mid week hump?
On our way to the weekend?

Did you have a favorite?

Have a great day, week, weekend -
and I'll see you next Wednesday.

Lesson for Today:  (I know this is a little long but I think it's worth it.)

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. 'Well,' she said, 'I think I'll braid my hair today.'  So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. 'Hmm' she said, 'I think I'll part my hair down the middle today.'  So she did and she had a grand day.

 The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. 'Well,' she said, 'today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail.'  So she did, and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.  'YAY!' she exclaimed. 'I don't have to fix my hair today!' 

Attitude is everything.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Dog Shame and Engineers...or is it Engineer Shame and...

Happy Hump Day

Welcome to your hump day to provide you with a little boost to get you over the mid-week hump.

Mixed in with today's photos you'll find some educational material I hope you'll find useful.. 
(Hey, I'm not just another pretty face over here. I got smarts!)

Let's get started.

I'm wondering is that expression is guilt...

...or if he's trying to pass a Lego. Ouch.

Here are some entries from the latest 
Engineering Conversion Table.

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

 Good stuff to know, right?

 I'm not sure on this one.

 I think the "helper" wants to throw his buddy under the bus.

 More educational stuff:

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

Don't you feel smarter already?

This guy flat out does not look ashamed.

But that would certainly be startling.

Just one more set of these. I don't want to over-tax your brains.

16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling 

Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon 

1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

You'll want to impress your friends with your new knowledge.

I'm cheating a little with your "aw" today. It's another "dog-shaming" shot. 
But when I saw this one, I "aw"ed more than I laughed.

You just know she's really sorry.

I've got more Engineer Conversion Table items so if you want to expand your knowledge, let me know and I'll add some to next week's post.

 Are we there? Over the hump?


Coast down the slope to the weekend and have a great one.

See you next Wednesday.

Classic Exchange for Today: 

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill: 
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend ... if you have one."

Winston Churchill, in response:  
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one."