Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Caption Contest

Wednesday: Happy Hump Day!

I am so glad it's Wednesday.  Last Friday's post was troubling and Monday's was somber (befitting the occasion).  But today it's time for some fun.  And to celebrate, we're having a...

Hump Day Caption Contest

I haven't done one of these for awhile so let's go over the rules.  Below are five funny pictures.  Give me your best caption for one or more of them.  For each caption you leave in your comment, I'll add your name to the drawing: five captions = five chances to win.   

The winner gets a free book selected from a list (assorted genres) I will e-mail to him/her after the drawing. U.S. and Canadian entries only, please. I can't afford the postage for my friends across the pond (any of the ponds). And make sure to leave your e-mail address.

Ready?  Let see those captions.



(Please ignor the caption already on this on. I know you can do better.)



Lord, that last one cracks me up.

Okay, did you come up with some good ones?  I love to do this because your captions are the best part of the post.  Hope you enjoy it, too.

You have until midnight on Saturday, June 2, to enter your comments.

Groaner of the Day:  One day, a man decided to learn some new sports. He spent time finding out what was available and after a few months, he called some of his friends to watch him try out some of his ideas.

They all followed him up to the top of a local cliff. Not a big cliff, but still they were puzzled about why he had taken them there.

"Let me show you," he said, and produced from a cage a small yellow bird. He held the bird by the feet, and proceeded to jump off the cliff. 

His friends were obviously worried, but he was fine, albeit slightly bruised, and returned to the top of the cliff.

"Well, " he said, after a pause, "I don't think much of this budgie-jumping."

So, then he revealed that he had also brought a chicken with him. His friends were forced to watch an almost identical sequence of events all over again.

Once again, he hit the sand at the bottom of the cliff, trudged back to the top, and said to his by now growing audience, "Hen-gliding doesn't seem to work for me either."

Finally, he tried once more. This time, it was a parrot. Again, he leapt off the cliff holding the unfortunate bird by the feet. This time though, as he jumped, he pulled out a hand gun, and shot the bird as he fell.

The end results were pretty much the same, though, and he arrived at the top of the cliff with yet more bruises.

The crowd waited to hear what he would say this time.

He paused, scratched his head, and opened his mouth.

The crowd hushed....

Finally, he said: "And that's the last time I try parrot-shooting too."

(Hey, what are complaining about?  That was three groans for the price of one.)

Monday, May 28, 2012

Thank You

Monday: Mystery, Murder, and Manuscripts

...and Memorial Day

Okay, it's Monday and Mondays are reserved for...well, you know.  But it's a holiday.  A rather important holiday. So I'm making an exception and sharing the following.
I went to church Sunday morning, as I usually do.  At the end of the service, our Pastor directed the congregation outside where he led us in a short Memorial Day ceremony.  It wasn't a big production.  A small color guard of Scouts lowered the flag to half-staff accompanied by the playing of Taps, and we all sang America the Beautiful. 

But reflect a moment.
The freedom to worship in the church of our choosing.
 The freedom to stand in the sunshine and honor our flag. 
The freedom to sing songs of praise for our country and afterward to leave there and go wherever we wanted.  

Freedom isn't free. 
Someone picked up the tab.  
For us.

We need to remember.

We need to say thank you.

"A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to 'The United States of America' for an amount of 'up to and including my life'."
Thank you.

Groaner of the Day: A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3:00 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop.

Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"

The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, and tossed it out of his way. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle, and was once again tossed overboard.

The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns.

When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.

"What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.

"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"

Friday, May 25, 2012

Unanswered Questions

I normally try to keep my posts lighthearted but I hope you'll forgive me if I'm in a darker place today.

I had planned to do a post on the end of the school year and the happy memories it brings.  Two of my grandchildren finished their year yesterday, the other two have a couple weeks left.  A very exciting time for kids, full of plans for the summer.

Expect for Paul, a thirteen year old eighth grader at my grandson's school, who came home on Tuesday, took a gun and ended his life.

 I don't have all the facts surrounding Paul's death.  I don't know if anyone does.  My grandson tells me the stories going around school all say that Paul was being bullied.  Police and school officials say that is not the case.  The media seemed disinclined to get involved until a group of parents - who may or may not have any real facts - staged an anti-bullying protest in front of the school today.  Even then, only one local TV channel reported the event. 

A number of student-generated Facebook pages have sprung up, mourning Paul and denouncing bullies and bullying. There was also a site asking all students to wear a white shirt on the last day of school to protest bullying and in memory of Paul, which my grandson says many did.  Of course, the comments on these sites now include statements from other students saying they have been bullied and at least one parent talking about her child being bullied.

The school is talking about their no-bullying policy.  Teachers receive special training in that area and the students attend anti-bullying programs.  Victims are encouraged to come forward, bullies are punished.  Or are they? How do you measure the effectiveness of an anti-bullying policy?   

As far as I know, Paul's parents have not spoken publicly on the subject. 

My heart breaks for Paul's family and for the loss of this young life, but my mind is looking for answers.  Was Paul bullied into taking his own life?  Did the school system that was supposed to keep him safe fail him?  Or are the accusations of bullying the kneejerk reaction of people who simply need someone to blame?

Why should I be so troubled by this?  Well, because a young man is dead. And because we're talking about my grandson's school. And because next year, he will be in the eighth grade.

A groaner seems inappropriate today so I'm just going to ask you to say a prayer for Paul's family.  And perhaps you could also pray that children of all ages will someday learn to treat each other with acceptance and love. 


Wednesday, May 23, 2012

There's a Shirt For That

Happy Hump Day

There was a time when truth could be poured out in an endless stream of words.  Pages and pages spent exploring the human condition.  Or whatever.  Now words are limited.  Blogs, posts, tweets - each shorter than the last - carrying in a handful of words those critical messages.

Today we're going to look at one of those great vehicles of highly condenced truth:


Of course, this is a blog about writing, so I'm limiting our tour to t-shirt truths on the subject of writing.

We all know what it takes to get the job done.

Of course, sometimes you've battled back all your distractions only to find your muse has flown.

But you push on, getting your first draft completed.  Time to edit.  So you call in the...

Sometimes these guys get a little grumpy, especially if you make the same mistakes over and over.

Still, you can't let that slow you down.  Every writer knows...

And so you have. It's written, it's polished, it's published.  Time to remind the world...

So, as we end our t-shirt truth tour, let me just say ....

How about you?  Seen any good t-shirt truths lately?

And I can't deny you your Hump Day "Aw".

Happy Hump Day.

Groaner of the Day: Two men were in the process of inventing a new brand of gum. They were arguing over the fact that their new gum was too hard and brittle and didn't have the right consistency.

One of the inventors insisted they simply had to add more liquid to their primary secret ingredient, code named "Yewin".

The other argued adamantly. "No, No, No! It's not wetter Yewin that counts... it's how you ply the gum!"


Monday, May 21, 2012

From the Master - Sir Alfred Hitchcock

Monday: Mystery, Murder, and Manuscripts

In last Monday's post, Boo! I Scared You. (Surprise verses Suspense), I referenced a famous quote from the master of suspense, Sir Alfred Hitchcock.  The quote drew a lot of comments so I went hunting for more advice from the master.  What I found were some quotes that are just too good not to share. 

On movies:

"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder"

An actor, discussing his character, asked Hitchcock, "What is my motivation?"
Hitchcock replied, "Your salary."

An actress asked Hitchcock which was her better profile, left or right. 
His reply: "My dear, you're sitting on your best profile."

His camera crew informed him that Tallulah Bankhead's habit of not wearing underpants was creating  problems during the filming of Lifeboat.
Hitchcock:  "I don't know if this is a matter for the costume department or the hairdresser."

A woman complained that the famous shower scene so frightened her daughter that the girl would no longer shower.
His reply: "Then Madam I suggest you have her dry cleaned."

"Disney has the best casting. If he doesn't like an actor he just tears him up."

On TV:

"Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some."

"Television has brought murder back into the home - where it belongs"

And the rest of these could easily apply to writing as well as film:

His mission in life: "to simply scare the hell out of people."

"Always make the audience suffer as much as possible."

Why people loved his thrillers: "They like to put their toe in the cold water of fear."

"Some of our most exquisite murders have been domestic, performed with tenderness in simple, homey places like the kitchen table."

"There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it."

And my favorite...

"Drama is life with the dull bits left out"

Oh, one more - on the subject of books...

"This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book -- it makes a very poor doorstop."

What else is there to say?

Which one is your favorite?

Groaner of the Day:  (We hardly need one after all that so here's a shorty.)  I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He claims he can stop any time.

Friday, May 18, 2012

When Do You Bail on a Book?

My monthly book group, Tea & Mystery, met last night.  Although some of our members prefer coffee to tea, we all love reading the same mystery and discussing it.  Through the group, I've found many titles and authors that have become favorites of mine.

This month's selection wasn't one of those.

At the beginning of the meeting, over half the members admitted they hadn't finished the book.  I was one of them.  This is very unusual for me.  I always make an effort to get the group book finished in time for the meeting.  Occasionally I run out of time but I don't recall ever just deciding not to finish.

For one thing, I'm very character driven.  Once I make a connection with a character I simply have to find out what happens to him/her.  Even if the story is weak or the writing doesn't appeal to me, I stay with it until the end.  I can't walk away without knowing.

With this book, I read well past the introduction of all the major characters and story threads (there were a bunch), but there was no connection.  I tried to force myself to keep going but I reached a point where I had to admit I had no interest in finishing this book.  I really didn't care what happened to these characters or who had done what to who and why.  I also decided my time is too valuable to waste reading a book I didn't enjoy.

Wow.  What a concept.  A bit of an epiphany for me.  I didn't have to finish.

How about you?  Once you start a book, do you feel you have to finish it? 

How far do you read before you decide it's not for you? 

Do you have a point of no return - if you made it that far, you'll stay to the end?

What will make you give up on a book?

Do you think readers are quicker to give up on a book now than they were twenty years ago?

If you're a writer, do you think you're more inclined to finish a book (knowing all the work that went into writing it) or more inclined to bail (because you read with a more critical eye)?

Groaner of the Day:  Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.

Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

Arnold says........
(wait for it)
(oh, come on, you know what's coming)
(okay, here it is)
"I'll be Bach."

(hee hee hee)

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Borderline Naughty?

It's Wednesday.  Happy Hump Day.

Last week's pictures were all kind of over-the-top sweet so this week I'm balancing the scales.  Nothing that requires a "Mature Audience" warning, but maybe more chuckles than "Aw"s. 

First a joke:

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained, "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude was never invited back.

Now a question for the ages:
(Or is that for the aged?)

A Conversation in Heaven

  Hi, Wanda.
Well, hi there, Sylvia.  I didn't know you were here already.  How'd you die?
I froze to death.
How horrible!
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

So, what happened?

I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, dear...we'd both still be alive.

Okay, you get at least one "Aw":

I'm ready for my walk now.

And a thought for the day for all my writer friends:

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Okay, do you feel fortified? Can you make it over the mid-week hump and onto the downhill slope toward the weekend? Good. Then my job here is done.
(Please don't forget to say hi while you're here.)
Groaner of the Day:  What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Boo! I Scared You. (Surprise verses Suspense)

Monday: Mystery, Murder, and Manuscripts

My grandkids, and my sons before them, always delight in sneaking up behind me or popping out in front of me and shouting BOO. (Someday I’m going to explain to them the concept of little old ladies and heart attacks.) This action is usually followed but that age old question: Did I scare you?

When they were little, I always said yes. That was the point of the game, after all. But lately, I’ve taken to saying no. “You startled me,” I explain. “There’s a difference.”

Simply stated, startled is a reaction to an event, scared (fear) is an emotion born of anticipation.  In writing, we look at this as the difference between surprise and suspense.

There is an oft quoted explanation given by the master of suspense, Sir Alfred Hitchcock, that says if two people are sitting at a table having a conversation and a bomb goes off, that’s surprise; but if they’re sitting there having that conversation and the audience/reader knows there’s a bomb under the table set to detonate in a few minutes, that’s suspense.

One makes us jump; the other makes us squirm.

But they are not mutually exclusive. Mysteries tend to be more about surprise. An intellectual puzzle with the reader learning the clues along with the characters. But add in an element of danger, something we know will happened if our hero can’t solve the crime – now our emotions are engaged as well. The same is true in reverse. After our hero has taken that long walk through a dark alley (where we know the villain lies in wait)—drawing our nerves taut with anticipation—there has to be that unexpected event or action that breaks the tension and allows our hero to prevail. The surprise.

So while your story may be a mystery or it may be a suspense/thriller, the telling of the story still needs at least a little of each.

And if I hear a strange noise in the basement, and nervously tiptoe down the stairs, wondering what it could be, and just as I reach the bottom someone jumps out and yells BOO!… Okay, kids, you got me. Now let’s talk about cardiac arrest.

How about you? Do you like/write a little suspense in your mysteries? A little surprise in your suspense?

Groaner of the Day:  A software engineer tests new programs by seeing if it's simple enough for his computer-challenged brother to use.

This is known as the "Brother-can-use paradigm".

(Betcha had to say it out loud.)

Friday, May 11, 2012


I saw my son on TV last night.  It was one of those community affairs programs and he was speaking as a Board Member of a local charity.  He looked good, dressed in one of his fancy banker suits, and his smile was as engaging on camera as it is in person.  He sounded confident and at ease as he answered the moderator's questions and I listened proudly while he talked about the organization and how the community could offer support.  But my eyes zeroed in on a tiny, almost invisible, line not far above his left eye - a souvenir from a collision with the coffee table when he was three. 

Afterwards, I thought about it and realized I'd actually searched for that tiny scar.  It look me a while to figure out why.

The successful banker/charity board member is someone I love very much, someone who lives in a world that I happily visit but have never lived in. This is the man my son grew into, the life he created for himself long after he left the nest.  If I looked hard enough at the image on the screen, I could almost see the teenager he had been, but there was no sign of the little boy who once shared my world with me. 

That little boy lives in my memories, he's there in a thousand photographs, but sometimes it's hard to find the boy inside the man.  I think that tiny scar has become a touchstone for me, a constant that provides a link to days long ago.   

So even while I watched the handsome man on TV, admiring his poise and taking pride in how well he spoke, I found that tiny scar...and saw my little boy.

So, how about you?  What touchstones do you have in your life?  What kinds of things provide you with a link to another time or place?  

Oh, in case you're looking - you can't see the scar in this picture.  It's just under his hair. 

Groaner of the Day:  A young boy had a job bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store manager had a machine installed for squeezing fresh orange juice.

The young lad was most intrigued by this machine, and he asked if he would be allowed to run it, to make the juice. The manager refused, and the boy demanded to know why.

"Sorry, kid," the manager explained, "but baggers can't be juicers."

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Happy Hump Day and a Couple Extras

Happy Hump Day.  But before we get to this week's collection of sillies there's something I have to do.

Happy Birthday, Dad.

You'll aways be my #1 hero.

I also want to remind everyone that Maria Zanni's new blog Back to Basics officially launched yesterday.  The first topic was Emergency Funds.  What?  You don't have one?  Better get over to Back to Basics right away.   And become a Follower while you're there.

Okay, on to our Hump Day nonsense...

Good grief.  I think that cat lives around here.

Ah well, sh*t happens.

Poor kitty.  Bet she coughs up an really impressive hairball.

Uh oh.

Oh, this must be how we got the zombie cat in the first picture.

And this brings us to the question of the day...

How do you pop bubble wrap?  Are you a one bubble at a time person or do you like firing them off in clusters?  Pop randomly or follow the rows?  Oh no, don't even try to tell me you don't pop it at all.  Just fess up.  We're all friends here.

Groaner of the Day: (just a short one since you've already had enough silly stuff)   Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here. I'll go on a head.'

Monday, May 7, 2012

From the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop - Blogging, Branding, and Social Media, Part 2

As promised last Monday, here are more tips gathered at the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop.  Last week we focused on blogging, this week is on branding and using social media.

I'm going to admit up front that I'm not social media savvy.  I don't Tweet, I'm only slighted LinkedIn, and I started my Facebook page because that's where my kids kept putting the grandkid pictures. Right now, maintaining my blog and visiting/commenting on yours is as far as I go.  So what you're getting here is what I heard from people in the know, passed along to you without any testing or endorsement. 

Of course, if you can add to what's here from your own knowledge and experience, please do.  Including disagreements, if you have any.  We all benefit from a good exchange of ideas.

That said, here are:

14 tips on branding and using social media.


Voice lives on the page, brand takes the voice beyond the page.

The most critical part of voice and brand is consistency. Make is easy for people to "get" you.

Keep the same voice from your blog to Facebook to Twitter to whatever.
Coin a word or phrase that becomes your verbal logo and use it everywhere you post (this was also mentioned in Part 1).

Using Social Media:

Define your brand, community, objectives, and goals

Build a list.
• Gather contact info (e-mails and such), get sign-ups for a newsletter and/or RSS
• Use this list (judiciously) to ask for help in promoting an event or new release

Survey your community on their social media preferences
• Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Pinterest, etc. 
• Ask about schedule – when/how often would they like to hear from you
Plan your updates to fit their schedule and likes.
 • Keep these sort of updates conversational (small talk), not promotional.
 • Toss out ideas and see what attracts interest

Schedule your updates in advance and use auto-post features

Use tweets to drive people to your blog and Facebook page. Promote the same blog multiple times with different tweets.

Link everything together - Blog to LinkedIn to Facebook, etc.

When you're re-posting those graphics with your watermarked  link (see Part 1), add a text link as well.  Watermarked links aren't "clickable' and you want to make it as easy as possible for people to find you.  

Add the buttons – Facebook Like, Tweet It, etc. – to all your posts.

SHARE every blog post, guest post, whatever you do

Okay, what do you think?  Do you do any or all of these?  How do they work for you?

Groaner of the Day:  (a little something from Confucius)  Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted. 

Friday, May 4, 2012

A New Plan and a New Blog

I'll be getting back to more from the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop on Monday but in the meantime  I want to tell you about one tip I'm going to try on my own blog. 

In a session on 'building your brand', the speaker advised us to be consistance - always keep the same voice within our blogs and across whatever social media we may use.  She also said the voice had to be consistant with the purpose of the blog.  Well, that pulled me up short.  To be really honest, I started a blog to build an online presence because I hope to get a novel published someday and it's generally accepted that an author needs an online presence.  So far so good.  I rather enjoy blogging and I like to mix posts about writing with personal topics, general information, and lots of humor.  But I write mystery/suspence, and not the lighthearted kind. 

Uh oh.

So if someone is interested in my suspense novel and they check out my blog and hit a post I've written just for laughs, am I screwed in trouble?

I asked a couple of the workshop faculty and got some mixed responses.  The concensus was I might have a problem. So I'm going to try something of a workaround.  Starting next week - well, actually I started this week - I'm going to follow a new post schedule.  Mondays will be Mystery, Murder, and Manuscripts, where we'll talk about mystery (suspense, crime drama, etc.) or about writing or maybe about writing mysteries.  This will be my serious author day.  On Wednesday, I'm keeping Happy Hump Day.  Just because it's fun.  Friday will be For Everything Else.  Might be serious, might not. 

Okay, that's the plan.  What do you think? Seriously. I'd appreciate your feedback on this.

I also promised you a new blog.  Nope, not mine, but one I think pretty much everyone can benefit from.

Maria Zannini is lauching a blog titled Back to Basics which is tied to her excellent book series and Facebook page The Frugal Way.  As Maria describes it, Back to Basics is "more than frugal living or how to make a few extra bucks. It's about creating the Have-More life without donating a spleen."

Well, who can't use that? 

The official launch of Back to Basics is next Tuesday, although there are a couple warm up posts already in place.  While you're waiting, check out The Frugal Way which is loaded with links to great free stuff.  You need to Like this page.  And I hope you'll give Maria a great launch day on Tuesday - visit, follow, share, tweet, enjoy.  Make her day. 

One final note - I'm going to be away from my computer most of Friday so if you leave a comment - and please do - forgive me for not answering right away.  I'll also be late visiting everyone else's blogs, but I will get there.

Groaner of the Day:  (keeping it short, it's Friday)  This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Happy Hump Day - Every Cat Should Have a Dog

Happy Hump Day.

As usual, today I'm just offering a little something to get you over the mid-week hump and onto the downhill slope to the weekend.

I've never put together an easier post.  This week I received an e-mail titled Every Cat Should Have a Dog with eighteen great cat and dog pictures, just perfect for making you smile.  The only hard part was chosing which six to include here.  Hope you like my selections.

Best friends?

Yeah, yeah, I love you, too.

No, he's mine.  You can't have him.

I just love my furry hat.

This one is too perfect for words.

  Bet you said "Aw."

On Friday I'll be talking a bit more about the Erma Bombeck Workshop and telling you about a terrific new blog that everyone will be able to use.

And here's your...

Groaner of the Day: (It's a long one today since this post was mostly pictures.)

Once there was a circus that boasted the great Lion Tamer. The grand finale of his act included placing his head in a lion's mouth.

Unfortunately, the circus was losing money and could not afford to keep all the animals.  Finally the lions were sold to cut expenses but the owner hated to fire the Lion Tamer so he made this offer...

"Your lions are gone but if you can come up with an act with what we have left, you've got a job."

"Well, I do need a job," the Lion Tamer said. "What animals do you have left?"

"Well," the owner said, "the only animal I have left is my faithful old Bassett hound. I'd never sell him!"

"I'll take him," said the Tamer.

So the Lion Tamer worked with the Bassett hound and taught him the entire lion act. The dog caught on right away, but there was a problem - no way was the Lion Tamer's head going to fit into the dog's mouth.

"My foot will fit," the Lion Tamer said, so he tried it, and sure enough the dog picked that up too.

Opening night, the Lion Tamer did the act with the Bassett hound, and the crowd loved it. They'd never seen anything like it before. At the end of the act, when the Lion Tamer put his foot into the dog's mouth, the crowd went wild.

"Encore, encore!" the crowd yelled.

Well, the Lion Tamer hadn't planned an encore, so he thought to himself, "If one foot is good, two is better."

He stuck his other foot into the dog's mouth. The two feet together were too much for the dog and he started choking and gasping, and finally out of self-preservation, he clamped his jaws shut, biting off the Lion Tamer's legs at mid-calf.

And the moral of this story....?

Don't put all your legs in one Bassett.

(Oh, I'm sorry.  That really was bad.)