Who's the Birdbrain?

HAPPY HUMP DAY

I'm an idiot. No, really. I appreciate you disagreeing (you did disagree, right?) but I have proof.

I love birds. I have a half dozen feeders around my back yard filled with various kinds of seed, and two bird baths - one heated to ensure they have drinking water in the winter. I especially like the feeder that hangs from a hook clamped to the deck railing because it brings my little feathered friends close to the kitchen window.  It's the type with a plastic seed container inside a metal cage. The cage is on a spring that causes it to drop when anything heavier than a bird (i.e. a squirrel) lands on a perch, so that it covers the feeding ports and keeps the seed for birds only. 

A couple of months ago I did a routine cleaning of all my feeders, which involved taking them apart to wash the insides. Since then I noticed the deck feeder wasn't being visited as usual. Birds would land on the perches but not stay to eat. This often means there's a predator in the area and I did spot a hawk a few times. But even when there were birds at all the other feeders, this one was ignored. Once or twice a week I would dump the seed onto the paving stones under the feeder and re-fill it with fresh, just in case the seed was the problem. The seed I poured onto the stones was quickly scarfed up by both birds and squirrels but the feeder remained abandoned. I was confused and a bit disappointed. 

This morning, I went to dump the untouched seed from that feeder and put in new, and something strange caught my eye. When I took it off the hook, the cage moved in my hand and covered the feeding ports, as expected, but when I hung it on the hook and let go, the cage was still covering the ports. At first I thought the spring was broken but the cage was moving up and down just fine. I took the feeder down again and studied it more closely.  None of the feeding ports matched up to the openings in the cage or to the perches. The last time I'd taken the feeder apart, I'd put the cage on sideways (rotated 90 degrees). The birds weren't eating the seed because they couldn't get to it. 

It took me MONTHS to figure this out.

I'm an idiot!

 

The feeder is now fixed and we'll see how long it takes for some brave soul to check it out and realize the chow line is open again. Hopefully, they'll be quicker than I was. 

For Hump Day...a friend sent me this. I'm not sure which dog shaming site it came from, but I love it... especially the part about not living near a beach.

Something a little different for your "aw" this week.

 Did you say it?  I did.

That's all for today.  I hope my little bout of idiocy gave you a laugh. 

For my Jewish friends, I wish you a joyous and blessed Passover. 

For my Christian friends, I wish you a joyous and blessed Easter.

See you next week.

Thought for this week: 

A Tale of Two Short Stories

As most of us do, I made great plans for the start of 2017.  First, there were two anthologies I wanted to submit stories to, both with deadlines of January 31. One had to involve murder and travel. The other had to include some kind of eclipse. I didn't have any bright ideas for an eclipse story but murder and travel seemed easy so I tackled that one first.

I came up with a nice murder with my killer trying to get away with a piece of expensive jewelry. My plot wove around him getting through airport security by hiding the jewel in an animal carrying crate that was going on the same flight. And I added a fun twist of making the animal in the crate a goat - who ate the jewel. I was in the polishing stage (polishing the story, not the jewel) when my goat advisor (hi Maria!) informed me that the goats eating metal was an old wives' tale and they really don't.

Hmm. Scratch one short story.

No worries. I made some adjustments. The goat became a dog. The airline became an Amtrak train. My killer would retrieve the jewel from the crate in the baggage car. I wasn't quite finished with this one but it was coming together nicely when I went to check something on the Amtrak web site...and discovered they don't allow animals in crates in the baggage car.

Well, poop.

Fine. Scrap the animal angle. Now the murder takes place in a nursing home. I'll have a snow storm. Everyone's snowed in. He's stuck there with all these police investigating the murder and searching for the missing jewelry.  I came up with a clever (I thought) way for him to get caught. Alleluia. It works. Just got to fine tune it and send it in. No animals. No Amtrack. No...travel. I had written the travel element out of the murder and travel story.

Arrrrrgh!

Back to square one. New setting. New characters. New murder. No jewelry. Definitely some travel. I fired it off to my critique group with time to spare. Well, time for that story. I had pretty much given up any thought of writing the second one. Remember, the one with the eclipse?

Friday, January 27. I'm on my way to my grandson's bowling match and an idea pops into my head. An eclipse story. I grab my trusty digital recorder and dictate the whole thing. I like it. But my weekend is booked solid and the deadline is Tuesday. When am I going to write it? 

Monday morning found me at my desk, typing like mad. By that afternoon, I had it posted on my crit group site along with some serious begging for anyone who could take a quick look. While I waited, I did the final format and polish on the travel story and sent it in Tuesday morning. Meanwhile, four of my wonderful crit partners came through with their usual quality input and I did a bunch of serious editing. When all was said and done...it worked. I liked it. At 10:37 on January 31, I hit send on my second short story.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I didn't get back to blogging in January as promised.

As for the past couple weeks - I've been down with the flu. But as John Astin used to say on Night Court, I'm feeling much better now.  (Let me know if you get that reference. I guessing most of you are too young.)

Okay, I've got one quick joke for you.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing.

She simply had to know.

She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked,

 "Will I be acquitted?"
 

(I love that one.)

 And I couldn't forget your "aw".

Yeah, I know you said it. (Those eyes. Those eyes.)

One other note...

I have to wish my grandson Cooper a very happy sixteenth birthday today.

 Love ya, Coop.

So how about you? Ever have a short story fight you tooth and nail? Did you recognize the Night Court reference? How has 2017 been treating you so far? 

Interesting Fact for Today:

Q.... What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers have in common?

A... All were invented by women.

Hump Day - Short and Sweet

Happy Hump Day

I've noticed my hump day posts have been running a little long lately and since most of us have limited time for blog reading, I'm changing to a shorter format for a while. Please let me know what you think.

I love dogs. We've always had dogs as part of our family. I believe dogs are incredibly loving and faithful and intelligent. But sometimes...just on occasion, I question their honesty. 

You know what I mean?

How about a little old lady joke? (My favorites.)

Sylvia and Wanda, two very old friends, meet up in heaven. They're startled to see each other.

"Wanda! What are you doing here? I didn't know you'd passed."

"Oh, it's just been a couple days. I didn't know you were here either. How did you die?"

"I froze to death."

"Oh, my dear, that sounds terrible."

"It wasn't so bad. After I stopped shaking, I began to feel all warm and sleepy and just drifted away. What about you?"

"Heart attack. My own fault really. I thought my husband was cheating on me so I came home early to catch him in the act."

"And did you?"

"No. He was sitting there alone watching TV. But I was sure there was a woman there somewhere. I started searching all over the house. I ran up to the attic and down to the basement. I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept racing around until I was exhausted and I just keeled over with a massive heart attack and died."

"Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, dear. We'd both still be alive."

Be honest. Did you see that one coming?

Time for your "aw".

I've done a lot of "aw" pictures with puppies and kittens and babies. Even otters.

How about a pair of loving fawns?

Did you say it?

Okay, that's it. Are we there? Over the mid-week hump?

Excellent!

Does the shorter post format work for you?

Have a great day, week, and weekend.

See you next Wednesday.

Thought for Today:

Hump Day Mish Mash Funnies

Happy Hump Day

It's a mish-mash funnies day. One of those posts of funnies that I didn't have a theme for or didn't have room for in another post. So don't look for any connection between these...except that they make you smile, chuckle, or even better, laugh out loud.

Let's start off with a little static cling.

"I thought that box was empty."

Okay, I apologize for this one in advance.

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that the urinals were too high, they couldn't reach them. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to stare, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I sure appreciate your help."

I know. That's so bad. 

(But I did apologize.)

This one just made me laugh. 

 

Moving on to bad joke number two.

(Hey, maybe I did have a theme today.)

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said "I do....why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.  

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto (who was a very fast runner) and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." 

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" 

(get ready)  

"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin'." 

Aw, come on. You laughed.

Snickered?

Something?

(I should be shot?)

Maybe I should look like this next guy...

 I've come home to a face like that.

It's never a good thing.

This is a little different from my usual "aw" pictures.

I think the "aw" comes from a deeper place 

and the message is important. 

My mom and dad were together for 65 years.


That's it for today.
Are we there? Over the hump?
Fantastic.

Did you have a favorite?

I'm afraid you're going to have to get over the hump without me next week.
We're taking a little vacation and I'll be offline.

Do I hear the sound of weeping and gnashing of teeth?
Nah, I didn't think so. 

Be good and I'll see you in a couple of weeks.

   

 Thought for the Day: