Hump Day - Short and Sweet

Happy Hump Day

I've noticed my hump day posts have been running a little long lately and since most of us have limited time for blog reading, I'm changing to a shorter format for a while. Please let me know what you think.

I love dogs. We've always had dogs as part of our family. I believe dogs are incredibly loving and faithful and intelligent. But sometimes...just on occasion, I question their honesty. 

You know what I mean?

How about a little old lady joke? (My favorites.)

Sylvia and Wanda, two very old friends, meet up in heaven. They're startled to see each other.

"Wanda! What are you doing here? I didn't know you'd passed."

"Oh, it's just been a couple days. I didn't know you were here either. How did you die?"

"I froze to death."

"Oh, my dear, that sounds terrible."

"It wasn't so bad. After I stopped shaking, I began to feel all warm and sleepy and just drifted away. What about you?"

"Heart attack. My own fault really. I thought my husband was cheating on me so I came home early to catch him in the act."

"And did you?"

"No. He was sitting there alone watching TV. But I was sure there was a woman there somewhere. I started searching all over the house. I ran up to the attic and down to the basement. I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept racing around until I was exhausted and I just keeled over with a massive heart attack and died."

"Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, dear. We'd both still be alive."

Be honest. Did you see that one coming?

Time for your "aw".

I've done a lot of "aw" pictures with puppies and kittens and babies. Even otters.

How about a pair of loving fawns?

Did you say it?

Okay, that's it. Are we there? Over the mid-week hump?

Excellent!

Does the shorter post format work for you?

Have a great day, week, and weekend.

See you next Wednesday.

Thought for Today:

Hump Day Mish Mash Funnies

Happy Hump Day

It's a mish-mash funnies day. One of those posts of funnies that I didn't have a theme for or didn't have room for in another post. So don't look for any connection between these...except that they make you smile, chuckle, or even better, laugh out loud.

Let's start off with a little static cling.

"I thought that box was empty."

Okay, I apologize for this one in advance.

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that the urinals were too high, they couldn't reach them. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to stare, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I sure appreciate your help."

I know. That's so bad. 

(But I did apologize.)

This one just made me laugh. 

 

Moving on to bad joke number two.

(Hey, maybe I did have a theme today.)

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said "I do....why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.  

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto (who was a very fast runner) and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." 

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" 

(get ready)  

"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin'." 

Aw, come on. You laughed.

Snickered?

Something?

(I should be shot?)

Maybe I should look like this next guy...

 I've come home to a face like that.

It's never a good thing.

This is a little different from my usual "aw" pictures.

I think the "aw" comes from a deeper place 

and the message is important. 

My mom and dad were together for 65 years.


That's it for today.
Are we there? Over the hump?
Fantastic.

Did you have a favorite?

I'm afraid you're going to have to get over the hump without me next week.
We're taking a little vacation and I'll be offline.

Do I hear the sound of weeping and gnashing of teeth?
Nah, I didn't think so. 

Be good and I'll see you in a couple of weeks.

   

 Thought for the Day:

Dog Thoughts and the London Tube - Now That's a Pairing

Happy Hump Day

It's a nippy (single digits) day here in Ohio. There's snow on the ground and more on the way. If you're in New England or even New York, you have my sympathies. Stay safe. If your someplace warm and sunny...I hate you.

Just kidding. (sort of)

 I really don't mind winter but I do miss being able to open the dog door. The sliding glass door leading to our backyard didn't lend itself to a year-round dog door but we found this cool device that lets you install a flap door in the screen. Of course, it only works if the glass door is open and just the screen door is closed but it's very nice in the summer.

Anyway, our Sophie has figured out that we always respond to her scratching at the door - assuming she needs to go out. So she's taken to scratching at the door when she wants something to eat and when one of us walks to the door to let her out, she runs over to her food dish. She's on a diet right now so these calls to the food dish (or the area where the food dish would be if we've picked it up) are getting annoyingly frequent, but I know the one time I ignore her will be the time she really does need to go out.  

If only we could hear a dog's thoughts...

Oh yeah, I've had a few that were probably thinking this.

This is why saying "no" doesn't work.

I'm not sure about this one but I've had it for a while and it always makes me smile. Plus it looks like spring and some of us could use a little spring today.

Okay, we've had church ladies and hospital staff and English students. Let's finish off the month with London train drivers.

This is supposedly a list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers. I wasn't there but based on the sense (senses?) of humor of my British friends, I can believe these.

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "We are now traveling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad  news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

5) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

6) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

7) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

8) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

9) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

10) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

Gotta love 'em.

I have to admit today's "aw" is personal. My mom had Chihuahuas and I remember one that looked just like this. Her name was Tuppence.

Worked for me, How about you?

So, did we get there? Are you over the midweek hump? 

Going to make it to the weekend?

Great!

Did you have any favorites?

Have a wonderful week/weekend and I'll see you next Wednesday.

Thought for Today (on friendship):

Guilty Dogs and Hospital Confusions

Happy Hump Day

Sorry I'm a little late posting this morning. It was one of those days where I just couldn't get out of bed.

You know the feeling.

And then I had to deal with this.

Personally, I don't believe them.

Then I got downstairs and found this!

Seriously?!?

Okay, I have to be honest. I didn't face any of that this morning. 

Well, maybe the getting out of bed part, not the other. My Sophie is very well behaved.

No more excuses. Let's get to your hump day funnies.

Everyone seemed to enjoy the church bloopers last week so I'm staying with that theme. But church ladies aren't the only ones who can give us a laugh. Today we have... 

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS 

Actual writings from hospital charts 

(Parenthetical thoughts are mine.) 

1 . The patient refused autopsy.  (Wouldn't you?)

2. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.  (Could be a problem.)  

3. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.  (For pete's sake, someone roll her over.)

4. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.  (Check under her legging.)

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.  (Ya think?)

6. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.  (How's that again?)

7. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.  (Well, I'm glad we've got that timeline straight.)

8. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (OMG!)

9. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.  (Huh?)

10. Skin: somewhat pale but present.  (Could be very messy otherwise.)

11. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.  (Couldn't we use a table? Bed? Something?)

Gives you second thoughts about going to the hospital, doesn't it?

Now you need a good aw.

I admit I may have used this one before but I came across it again and it always gets me.

 Poor guy. Don't you want to give him a treat?

 Okay, that's it. Did we get there? Are you over the mid week hump?

Excellent!

Did you have a favorite?

Have a fantastic week. See you next Wednesday.

Thought for Today:

It really is that cold here.

Hump Day Funnies and a Cover Reveal for Margo Kelly

Happy Hump Day

It's a beautiful spring day here in SW Ohio and I'm about to abandon my computer for a garden that's calling my name.

But first, a little something to get you over the mid week hump.

Ever wonder what dog selfies look like?

Ellen's Oscar selfie has nothing on these.

I feel for this guy.

Don't you?

I was hunting for a good dog joke to go with today's pictures but I found this one instead.

Ever since I was a kid, I've been afraid there was someone under my bed at night. I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got a problem. Every night I think there's somebody under my bed and it spooks me so bad I can't sleep."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Three session a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?" I asked.

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it," I said.

Six months later I ran into the doctor on the street.

"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money. A bartender cured me for $10."

The doc got all huffy and said, "Is that so? How, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."

I like a simple, low cost solution.

Have you seen those People of Walmart pictures?

Nuff said.

Okay, I stayed with dog pictures for your "aw" but I have to admit it's the expession on the kid's face that got me.

Did you say it?

Now, something special. I'm pleased to be part of the cover reveal for 

WHO R U REALLY? 

Thea's overprotective parents are driving her insane. They invade her privacy, ask too many questions, and restrict her online time so severely that Thea feels she has no life at all. When she discovers a new role-playing game online, Thea breaks the rules by staying up late to play. She's living a double life: on one hand, the obedient daughter; on the other, a girl slipping deeper into darkness. In the world of the game, Thea falls under the spell of Kit, an older boy whose smarts and savvy can't defeat his loneliness and near-suicidal despair. As Kit draws soft-hearted Thea into his drama, she creates a full plate of cover stories for her parents and then even her friends.

Soon, Thea is all alone in the dark world with Kit, who worries her more and more, but also seems to be the only person who really "gets" her. Is he frightening, the way he seems sometimes, or only terribly sad? Should Thea fear Kit, or pity him? And now, Kit wants to come out of the screen and bring Thea into his real-life world. As much as she suspects that this is wrong, Thea is powerless to resist Kit's allure, and hurtles toward the same dark fate her parents feared most. Ripped from a real-life story of Internet stalking, Who R U Really? will excite you and scare you, as Thea's life spins out of control. 

About the Author:  

Margo Kelly is a native of the Northwest and currently resides in Idaho. A veteran public speaker, Margo is now actively pursuing her love of writing. Who R U Really? is her debut novel and will be published by Merit Press in September 2014. Margo welcomes opportunities to speak to youth groups, library groups, and book clubs.

 

Links:

Website: www.margokelly.net

Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/21444891-who-r-u-really

Twitter: https://twitter.com/MargoWKelly

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MargoKelly.author

Barnes & Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/who-r-u-really-margo-kelly/1118847853?ean=9781440572760

Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Who-R-Really-Margo-Kelly/dp/1440572763/ref=la_B00JY4LYZS_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1398971448&sr=1-1

 To celebrate the cover reveal for Who R U Really? Margo Kelly is giving away TWO Advance Reader Copies of the book! 

Visit www.margokelly.net to enter by Sunday, May 11, 2014!

Okay, that's it for this week. 

Are you over the hump and coasting toward the weekend? Excellent! 

Don't forget to visit Margo's site for a chance to win an ARC of her book.

And, of course, please say hi and let me know if anything here struck your fancy.

Have a wonderful weekend.

(I'm going to go be at one with the earth now.)

Thought for Today:

Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

Off to Church on Hump Day...Sort Of

Happy Hump Day

First, I want to thank DL Hammons again for choosing me for a blog blitz last week. It was a blast receiving comments from so many new guests. I received over 200 comments between the two blogs involved so it will take me quite a while to return all your visits but I really appreciated everyone who came by and especially those who became Followers.

On to hump day.

This has got to be the greatest hump day picture ever.

Don't you think so?

We've a lot of fun from time to time with church bulletin bloopers. 

How about these minutes from the Deacon's meeting?

The newly elected secretary for the Deacon Board at church submitted this report:

 
Deacon Meeting Minutes
October the something Deacon's meeting.

Present was most of the deacons; one was absent.

Chairman Tad asked Luke to say something, and he did.

New officers were needed; some of us were arm twisted into taking the positions. 

Some old business was remembered, and most of it had been approved. What wasn't was not important.

We tried to think of some new business, but it was decided that we're too old to be new.

Some of the deacons were getting tired so we decided to get out of the meeting.

(Secretary's note: I said I would type the meeting minutes; not that they would be worth a hoot!!)

Yup, that's the kind of minutes I'd take. 

Of course, good church goers never judge others. Including this young lady.

 A gal's gotta do what a gal's gotta do.

Hmm, I seem to have stumbled onto a theme for this post so let's go with one more "church" item.

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to Honor thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." 

I'll bet he has sisters.

I guess we've got room for one confession.

Shocking!

Okay, time your your weekly "aw".

This one may not get an immediate "aw" but take a second to enjoy her contemplation and see if you don't feel that "aw" coming on.

Did it work?

That's it for today. Did we get you there? 

Over the midweek hump and on the slippery slope to the weekend?

Excellent. My job is done.

(Did you have a favorite?)

Have a wonderful rest of your week and a fun filled weekend.

See you next Wednesday.

Really Bad Riddle for Today:

Q: What do you call a group of rabbits hopping backwards?
A: A receding hare line.

(I'm sorry.)

Cats, Dogs, Snow, and New Releases

Happy Hump Day

Yesterday it was 70 degrees in Dayton. The sidewalks were full of people walking, jogging, strolling with their dogs. My tulips and daffodils are up about four inches and many of the early blooming shrubs have new buds.

Right now it's snowing. Hard. Big fat flakes. With high winds and a projected low tonight of six degrees.

I think Mother Nature is seriously annoyed with us.

However, I have something good to celebrate today. The release of blog friend Stephen Tremp's new book -

ESCALATION

 The Adventures of Chase Manhattan

Don't you love this cover?

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones” - Albert Einstein. In Escalation, the final installment to Stephen Tremp’s Breakthrough Trilogy, a seemingly innocent discovery in Einstein-Rosen Bridges, or wormholes, becomes a Pandora’s Box—opening doors to other unexpected and unpredictable realities such as parallel universes, time/space travel, and an evil hitchhiker from another dimension.

 This is a book and a series you don't want to miss.

Now - on with our hump day funnies.

First, something for you cat lovers.

This is why I have a dog. (hee hee)

But at least cats catch mice:

 That helps, right?

And we dog people have problems, too.

Note to the Dogs:
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It Is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space that you are taking up, is nothing but sarcasm.
 
Also, the proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Thank you.

Your Human

Time for your weekly "aw". 

 

 If that didn't get you, you've never rescued a friend.

 Are we there? Over the hump and sliding toward the weekend.

Wonderful!

(Did you have a favorite?) 

As I finish this, the temperature is still dropping and the wind has totally removed the dry leaves I piled around my new flowers this morning.

Sigh.

Oh, by the way, I do have my car back. Now I need a service call for my wallet.

 

Have a great week, everyone.

Quote for Today:

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Man's Best Friend? (Hump Day Funnies)

Happy Hump Day

Here we go, time to enjoy a good laugh to help you over the mid week hump and on to the weekend.

Today I'm in the mood for man's best friend.

Sort of.

Maybe.

You decide.

 Oh, I really don't want to go upstairs.

 

Uh huh. I'm not buying it.

 

 Or something.

 

"meow"

"Has anyone seen the cat?"

I can't come up with any comment here that tops that face.

 Mocking? Why, no. Why would you even think that?"

And here's your "aw".

"Come on. Won't you say it for me? Please."

Okay, that's it. Did any of these tickle your funny bone? Give you a hump day laugh? Are you over the mid week hump? Did you have a favorite?

Joke of the Day:  Since this was an all picture post, I've got a joke for you.

Father Mike and Pastor John tended their flocks in churches across the street from each other, near the edge of town. One day the two clerics were seen erecting a sign by the side of the road which read:

THE END IS NEAR.

TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW 

BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

They had barely finished when a man drove by and shouted at them, "Why don't you two keep that religious crap to yourselves?"

His word were still hanging in the air when there was a screech of tires and a loud splash.

Father Mike turned to Pastor John and asked, "Do you think we should have just said, 'Bridge out ahead.'?"

Time for Canines (Happy Hump Day).

Happy Hump Day.

Running a little late this Wednesday.  Lost several hours on the phone with tech support with an e-mail problem.  Blech. And spend time last night at a book signing with the Deadly Divas: Denise Swanson, Marcia Talley, Sara Rosett, and Heather (Webber) Blake.  Fun. Then I got home and found my grandson had taken over my computer to do his homework.  Groan.

So here I am, finally ready to offer some smiles to help you over the mid week hump and on your way to a fun-filled weekend.

Last week I picked on the felines so this week I'm giving equal time to the canine side.

 

Ever feel like you were in the wrong bed?

Don't you wish you felt like this?

I thought this was funny - one dog sitting on another...

But I guess it's just a dog thing.

Every comment I come up with for this just isn't appropriate.

You know these guys really want to bite someone.

And, of course, the "aw" picture. I love this one.   

Notice who has the pacifier.

Okay, hope that did the trick. Feeling over the hump?  Going to make it to the weekend?

Did you have a favorite?


  Idle Thoughts for Today:  (I might have thought these while I was waiting on hold with e-mail tech support.  Or maybe not.)  

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is it me--or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?