Twitter Chat Party for DAY OF THE DARK (and some Hump Day Funnies)

Got a little blatant self-promo going on this morning, but it's also for the fabulous authors I was lucky enough to share these pages with.  Stop by our Twitter chat party tonight. It'll be fun AND there's a givaway!

You really should check out this book. The eclipse is over but the great stories linger on. 

And since it's Wednesday and I had a request...

Here's a Hump Day joke...

A young ventriloquist is doing his comedy act at a bar in a small town. He’s going through his usual run of “dumb blonde” jokes, when a blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting.

“I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes, jerk. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a woman’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being?  It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, all in the name of humor.”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde says:

“You stay out of this, Mister! I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

 ... a political funny... 

   

 ...and an "aw".

 

 Hope you enjoyed these and that you'll stop by the chat party this evening. 

Have a great week.

Question for Today:

Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned? 

More Hump Day Funnies

Happy Hump Day!

And here we go with some funnies to get you over the mid-week hump.

First, though, a Public Service Announcement.

Good to know, do you think?

Now a few thoughts from an older mind...

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.  I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.  I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a  whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me.  They were cramming for their finals.
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.


A question to ponder.
 

Why do they?

Here's an interesting fact.

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go?

Well, penguins are very ritualistic birds. They mate for life and have a strong sense of family and community. Their social structure is both complex and very well-ordered.  

When a member of the penguin community dies, the others will dig a hole in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough to receive the dead penguin.

Then the males of the group will gather in a circle around the grave and sing,

"Freeze a jolly good fellow

Freeze a jolly good fellow

Freeze a jolly good fellow

So into the hole he goes."

What? You really didn't really think I know anything about penguins, did you?

Okay, something for all my writer friends. 

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

Yup, I think that one's true.

Now for your hump day"aw". I've got a great one for you this week.

 Every little guy needs his teddy.

That's it. Did we get there? Are you over the hump and coasting toward the weekend? Great! 

Did you have any favorites?

The World Series begins tonight. 

GO RED SOX!!!

Quote of the Day:

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain

Assorted Hump Day Funnies Just for You

Happy Hump Day

How did you ever get over the mid-week hump the last couple weeks without me?

Well, wait no more - I've got an assortment of funnies for you this morning.

First, a photo to make you go, "Huh?"  Check out the product label.

 Think someone should tell them?

Here's a joke in honor of my husband...who could definitely be this guy.

A man and his wife walk into a dentist's office.    

The man says to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry.  I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic. I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!”

 “But, sir…” the dentist began.
          
“No buts. We have a 10:00AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for anesthetic!”'

The dentist is a little taken aback at pulling the tooth without using anything to kill the pain but he yields to the man’s wishes.  "All right, sir.  Which tooth is it?"
 

The man turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth, honey, and show him."  

 Well, maybe not. But I make a point of driving myself to the dentist.

 How about another head-scratcher?

 

 Um, which way should I go?

This next joke's in honor of my old home town of Boston. (Go Red Sox!)

  

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", but  none could say "Truck."

 My friends from the south may not get that one.

 This picture could almost qualify as a Groaner.

And, of course, I didn't forget your "aw".

 Does this little guy make you say it? 

He definitely got me.

Okay, did those do it for you? Over the hump and on the easy slope to the weekend?

Perfect.

Did you have a favorite?

Definition of the Day:

TYPE-BLINDNESS: The inability to recognize a typo in your e-mail until you’ve pushed the "Send" button.

Three Jokes and Over the Hump

Happy Hump Day

Late last night I typed two of the sweetest words an author can type: THE END

Sure, now starts the editing and the fine tuning but still...I feel good.

I know many of you are participating in the A to Z Challenge and have a lot of blogs to hit today 

so for your hump day post, I'm giving you these three classic jokes. 

I hope you like them.

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 

"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" 

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. 

The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good. The best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing. 

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says........................ 

"Grandpa......... Go home."

* * *

I finally got around to going fishing this morning, but after a while, I ran out of worms. Then, I saw a  Cottonmouth, with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good  bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in  my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. I  grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His  eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without  incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake....

 with two frogs in his mouth.
   
* * *

Father O'Malley  answers the phone. 

 

'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'  

 

 'It is!'

 

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?' 

 

 'I can!'

 

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' 

 

 'I do!'

 

 'Is he a member of your congregation?' 

 

 'He is!' 

 

 'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' 

 

 'He will.'

 

Of course, no hump day post would be complete with a good "aw".

Yeah, that did the trick.

Okay, did those do it? Did I get you over the mid week hump? Yes? Okay, my work here is done.

Did you have a favorite?

  

Thought for the Day:

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Hump Day Funnies from Across the Pond

Happy Hump Day

First I want to say thanks again to the Ninja Captain Alex Cavanaugh for hosting the Top Ten Favorite Movies blogfest on Monday.  It was the most fun I've had on a blogfest, not to mention getting some great tips on movies I haven't seen yet. 

I was determined to visit all 180+ participants which I completed just after 3:00 this morning (which explains the late hour of this post).  I will admit I skipped commenting on a couple toward the end if the movies listed where so foreign to me I couldn't come up with anything to say, but I commented on most. And I received comments from close to sixty bloggers - a new high for me.

If you were kind enough to "Follow" my blog (thank you!) and I haven't returned the favor yet, I'll be getting back to you soon.

Oh, if you missed my top ten movie picks, you can see them here.

So on to our hump day funnies.

Last week I let the lovely church ladies get us over the mid-week hump. This week I'm letting my family and friends across the pond do the trick.

Little snippets from British Newspapers

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)  

[This one cracked me up.  LD]

At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Now for your hump day "aw"..

.

Did that do it?

Any favorites today?

Okay, hopefully I've got you over the mid week hump and coasting to Friday.

Speaking of Friday...I sort of overspent my allotted blogging time checking out everyone's favorite movies so I'm going to take Friday off. See you all on Monday.

Groaner for Today:

Two men walked into a bar.

You’d think the second one would have seen it.