Weddings and Hunters and Bye Bye for a Couple Hump Days

Happy Hump Day

Are you here for some funnies to get you over the mid-week hump? Well, that's great because I happen to have some for you.

This one will appeal more to the ladies but I think you guys can appreciate it, too.

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new wife to exchange it, but she refused.

"Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it."

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear...I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''

Here's a report of "shots fired" I'd like to see.

A friend dropped by the other day and shared this:

We had a power outage at yesterday. My PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad, iPod, and my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat, and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my husband for a few hours.

He seems like a real nice person.

Ouch, I think there's a warning in there.

I couldn't decide if this next one should be a funny or an "aw".

What do you think?

But I saved this one for your "aw".

 

I love these unlikely friendships.

I'm afraid these funnies are going to have to carry you over a couple more humps. I'm leaving this weekend with our church disaster recovery team to work on a re-build project in New Jersey. 

(Were you aware they're still re-building from super-storm Sandy out there?)

I'll be off line - except for the occasional Facebook-by-phone post - for the next two weeks. Please come back and say hi on April 9.

Hope these got you over this week's hump with maybe a little left over.

See you in a couple weeks.

Groaner for Today:

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.  
'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.  
'A golf gun? What's a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

Cats, Dogs, Snow, and New Releases

Happy Hump Day

Yesterday it was 70 degrees in Dayton. The sidewalks were full of people walking, jogging, strolling with their dogs. My tulips and daffodils are up about four inches and many of the early blooming shrubs have new buds.

Right now it's snowing. Hard. Big fat flakes. With high winds and a projected low tonight of six degrees.

I think Mother Nature is seriously annoyed with us.

However, I have something good to celebrate today. The release of blog friend Stephen Tremp's new book -

ESCALATION

 The Adventures of Chase Manhattan

Don't you love this cover?

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones” - Albert Einstein. In Escalation, the final installment to Stephen Tremp’s Breakthrough Trilogy, a seemingly innocent discovery in Einstein-Rosen Bridges, or wormholes, becomes a Pandora’s Box—opening doors to other unexpected and unpredictable realities such as parallel universes, time/space travel, and an evil hitchhiker from another dimension.

 This is a book and a series you don't want to miss.

Now - on with our hump day funnies.

First, something for you cat lovers.

This is why I have a dog. (hee hee)

But at least cats catch mice:

 That helps, right?

And we dog people have problems, too.

Note to the Dogs:
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It Is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space that you are taking up, is nothing but sarcasm.
 
Also, the proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Thank you.

Your Human

Time for your weekly "aw". 

 

 If that didn't get you, you've never rescued a friend.

 Are we there? Over the hump and sliding toward the weekend.

Wonderful!

(Did you have a favorite?) 

As I finish this, the temperature is still dropping and the wind has totally removed the dry leaves I piled around my new flowers this morning.

Sigh.

Oh, by the way, I do have my car back. Now I need a service call for my wallet.

 

Have a great week, everyone.

Quote for Today:

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Hump Day and Car Thieves

Happy Hump Day

 

I'm having a strange week. So much so that I'm going to tell you how it began as your first hump day funny.

Monday morning I get in my car, put the key in the ignition, and turn it to start the engine. Nothing. The dash displays are on and so is the XM radio, but no engine. Then I notice the message on the dash info system: "KEY NOT ACCEPTED".

Huh? I remove the key and try again. Same thing. I get out of the car and try the various buttons on the key - you know, lock, unlock. Nope they're not working either. Okay. I decide the battery inside the key must be dead so I go back inside, get my spare key, and start over. With the same results. "KEY NOT ACCEPTED".

Picture this now: I have somewhere I need to be. I'm in my own garage, sitting in my own car, using my own key, and I can't go anywhere because my stupid car thinks I'm a car thief!

 

I'm not going to share any of the things I said that morning, but it wasn't pretty.

So I'm carless this week, which makes me crazy, especially because I couldn't get to the bookstore yesterday to pick up my copy of Pearls and Poison, the new release by a favorite author of mine, Duffy Brown.

Pearls and Poison is the latest in the Consignment Shop Mysteries series. I loved the first two, Iced Chiffon and Killer in Crinolines. Can't wait to read Pearls and Poison. I highly recommend you check out all three.

Okay, I've got a joke for you. It's a tad long for a hump day post but I thought it was funny.

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer . He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One's in Arizona, the other's in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
 

The bartender admits this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine. It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.

Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Here's someone who found some fun in this too long and snowy winter.

I'm running long today so let's cut to your weekly "aw". You're going to love this one.

Admit it. You know you said it. 

That's it. Hope this got you over the hump and on the way to a great weekend. Did you have a favorite?

In case you're wondering, it was the anti-theft module in my car that failed. I'm waiting now for the new one (on order) to be installed.

Quote for Today:

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. ~ Douglas Adams.

Kids, Animals, and Idiots - Hump Day Funnies

Happy Hump Day 

Life is intruding today so I'm a little late but I wouldn't want to leave you without a few funnies to get you over the hump.

Food for thought.

 

I've still enjoying this batch of kid jokes I found last week.

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. 

Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

This one is also true of working in IT tech support.

Another kid funny. I hope you're enjoying these.

I identified with this one.

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" 

Mentally polishing my halo, I said, "No, how are we alike?'' 

"You're both old."

You've got to love this face.

Of course, I'd never forget your "aw".

Here it is.

 

The expression on the dog's face did me in.

That's it. Hope those did the trick and got you over the mid week (or whenever you see this) hump.

Did you have a favorite?

Any plans for this weekend?

Quote for Today:

Write without pay until someone offers to pay. ~ Mark Twain

A Very Happy Hump Day with Great News

Happy Hump Day

Since it is a very happy hump day, I'm going to lead with the good news:

My friend Scott, who many of you have been praying for the last two weeks, turned the corner a couple days ago and is beginning his road to recovery. It will be a long, slow one but he's going to get there. My deepest thanks to all of you who offered prayers and positive thoughts for someone you don't know.  Prayer is the greatest gift we can offer anyone, and the most powerful.

Now on to some funnies.

For all of us that have seen enough snow this year for three winters...

I'm sorry. I thought it was funny.

 From the mouths of babes we have...

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." 

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's very interesting. How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

And what were you thinking?

Staying with that snow theme...

 

That's not a picture of my Sophie but I know she's felt that way a few times lately.

 

To keep this post from being totally frivolous, something educational:

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a rolled up paper.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies," he answered.

"Kill any?" she asked.

"Yep, three males and two females," he said proudly.

"Really? How can you tell them apart?"

"Easy. Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."


Okay, that was still frivolous. But here's a serious moment...

 Don't you love that face.

 Here's another bit of kid logic.

 

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. 

 

The small boy answered, "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." 

 

The teacher started to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the youngster confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

 Okay, that's enough nonsense for today. 

Let's get to the important stuff...your weekly "aw".

Not only are these two taking a nap while floating on the water, they're also holding hands (paws?). I think that's worth an "aw", don't you?

So, are we there yet? Over the hump and on the way to a glorious weekend? 

Good. Then my work here is done.

I'm getting this post up before bed on Tuesday because I'll be gone all day Wednesdays. This means I'll be a day late getting around to visit everyone, but when your grandson makes the varsity bowling team in his freshman year, and the team is traveling to an all-day District Tournament... you put on your Booster Button and you go.

Have a great weekend.

Thought for the Day:

We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

Hump Day Funnies and More

Happy Hump Day

Hi! How's your week going?  

Need a lift to get you over the hump and on the way to the weekend?

Never fear. I've got a few funnies that should do the trick.

I think we should call this picture "It's Only Fair".

 I love the P.S., don't you?

I bought a power cell recently. You know, an portable battery unit that you charge and take with you to charge other things off of when you don't have access to electricity.  It's a handy device but I'm guessing the manufacturer didn't spend a lot on the interpreter for the text on the box. These are the instructions and safety warnings (typed exactly as on the package):

FEATURES

With many kinds of charging interface accessories can provide the most convenient to you and your friends around.

MATTERS NEEDING ATTENTION

Do not move the power into the fire heating extrusion or unauthorized disassembly.

This product should be kept out of children.

PRODUCT SPECIALITY

This bank power is available for all kind of electronic products which need to charge with USB, such as iphone, ipad, ipod and PSP etc.

NOTICE

Do not beak, dismantle, into put the fire or place in hot and humid area

Keep away from children

Please turn off the power when not in use, in order to avoid continuous power depletion.

 

 I hope I never have to call their tech support.

This one just made me laugh.

I'm going to take a quick break from your hump day funnies to give a shout out to blog friend Liz Fichera. Liz recently revealed the cover and trailer for her book Played, which will be released in May. Take a moment to take a look.  

 

Best of luck with the release, Liz.

This one is in honor of my little Sophie.

It's been a long winter. Already.

What? You thought I forgot your "aw".  

Oh, ye of little faith. I've got a great one for you.

Who needs a blanket? 

Okay, that should do it. I hope you've over the hump and sliding toward a glorious weekend. 

I want to thank all of you who offered prayers for my friend who is seriously ill. Now I'm going to ask for more. He's been in critical condition in intensive care for the past week and has undergone two emergency surgeries. Please continue to pray for him and for his family. Thank you.

Quote of the Day:

Never miss a good chance to shut up. ~ Will Rogers.

 

Snowed In On Hump Day

Happy Hump Day

Oops. I was so busy watching the snow fall and keeping an eye on the closings list last night, I forgot the blogosphere doesn't have snow days.

It looks like everything else around here does. We got about five inches of snow topped by an inch of ice and even the Air Force Base where my hubby works is closed. What used to be a cause of celebration among the school kids is now greeted with groans. All the area schools have used up their allotted "snow days", so days missed now have to be made up.

Actually, having my husband home today will come in handy. Monday afternoon, I was heading to the basement to move a load of laundry from the washer to the dryer, and stepped off the stairs into several inches of cold water. The pipe issue has been resolved - the massive clean up of stuff that got wet remains.

But I digress. You're here for your hump day funnies.

Have you ever gotten this Windows error message?

 Um...okay.

 

How about some letters to Dear Abby?

 

Dear Abby, 

 I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, 
I joined the Navy to see the world.  I've seen it.  Now how do I get out?

 

Dear Abby,
     I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

 

 

I know Abby prides herself on being able to spot a fake letter but I really hope these people were joking. 

 

 

 I love this one at so many levels.

 

In case you can't read it, the sign says:

The vet said I wouldn't live to see 3. Today, I turned 7, so I pooped on my vet's lawn.

PS - I'm wearing an octopus on my head because I can. That's why.

 

 

That would almost qualify as your weekly "aw" but I like this one better.

 

 

 Happiness is a Boxer sandwich.

 

Can't you just feel the love and contentment. 

 

Okay, time for me to get back to work on our soggy basement. 

I hope these funnies got you over the hump and heading for the weekend.

 

I'd like to add one serious note. A friend of mine is seriously ill and in need of prayers. Please take a moment and offer a prayer for him and for his family.  I'm not mentioning names to respect their privacy but God will know. Thank you.

 

Quote for Today: 

Story is to human beings what the pearl is to the oyster. ~ Joseph Gold