Veterans, Marine Birthdays, Tweets, Publications, and Funnies. Whew!

Tomorrow is Veteran's Day and, as always, I want to recognize those in my family who served their country so faithfully. 

WWII

My uncle George Masterson, US Army  

My uncle Leslie Masterson, US Army

My father Frank Masterson, US Army Air Corps

Korean War

My uncle William Masterson, US Army

Vietnam War

My cousin John Masterson, US Army

My brother Frank L. Masterson, US Army

My husband Stanley A. Leszczuk, US Air Force, ret. (20 years) 

 

By the grace of God, all of them came home,

 although some carried wounds that never completely healed. 

But today is also a special day in the military. It's the 241st birthday of the United States Marine Corps. I've never paid a lot of attention to the Marines. As you probably noticed, our family was Army and Air Force. Until this summer when my eldest grandson Drake enlisted in the Corps (deferred duty until he graduates from high school).

Drake graduates at the end of May and reports for boot camp the following week. I am extremely proud of him (and a little bit terrified). 

Happy Birthday to the United States Marines. Oorah.

If you check out my sidebars (go up a little), you may notice a couple additions. First, I've become a tweeter. Or whatever you call people on Twitter. I'm just getting started and still trying to figure out how I'm supposed to keep up with that steady flow of tweets. #overwhelming  If anyone has a tip or two, please share. And I'd really appreciate it if you'd follow me on Twitter to help me get started. I'll return the favor, of course. I'm @LD_Masterson. 

Now to the right, you'll see a link to New Zenith Magazine's Fall Issue. If you were happen to purchase New Zenith's Fall Issue and turn to page 44, you would find the fantasy short story "The Dragon" by yours truly. New Zenith Magazine is a relatively new publication but they put together an interesting assortment of stories, poetry, and art. Something for everyone. Check it out. 

Okay, you've been patient long enough. Here's your first funny.

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said, “I can, what’s the name and room number?”

The old lady in her weak voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”

The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me sh*t.”

You remember why I can tell little old lady jokes, right?

I have been trying to lose weight. Think this would work?

Yeah, I didn't think so either.

Running a little long today so let's get to your "aw".

The eyes. Oh, look at those eyes. 

That's all for today.  A little short on the funnies but I hope I gave you a giggle and an aw.

Do you have a special veteran you'll be thinking of tomorrow? 

By the way, thanks for all those great captions for Buster's picture last week. I do have a prize to give.  I tossed the names of everyone who offered a caption into a hat and did a blind draw. I know, I have to learn to use the electronic winner picker.  And the winner is (drum roll please)...Mason Canyon.

Mason gets a digital copy of New Zenith Magazine's Fall Issue. 

Mason, will you email me at lin[at]ldmasterson[dot]com to receive your prize?

Thanks, everyone. See you next week.

Thought for Today:

When you're feeling insecure, remember - you're comparing your ordinary days to everyone else's highlight reel.  (Or Christmas letter.)

Dads and Birthdays and Favorite Stories

Happy Hump Day

Hope you don't mind but I'm going to start with something a little different today.

My father was a great story teller. Not fiction, he'd just tell stories of his life but he was so good at it people always wanted to listen. I remember my brother once complained that his friends would come over to hang out and end up gathered around Dad, just listening to him talk.

This week I'm thinking a lot about a story Dad loved to tell. It's the story of his 24th birthday - the day I was born. I'm going to try to tell it the way he did, in his words.

I was working days and going to school nights on the G.I. Bill, like most guys after the war. It was about 10:30 at night and I got off the bus a couple blocks from Kay's parents place. We were staying there so they could help take care of Corky - he was about two then - while Kay was pregnant. I was coming down the sidewalk and I saw the car at the corner, with Kay and her mom and dad, waiting for me.

I said to myself, "Well, isn't that nice? They've come to take me out for an ice cream for my birthday." I didn't want to spoil the surprise or act too excited so I was playing Joe Cool, sauntering down the sidewalk, taking my own sweet time. As I got to them, I said, "Hey, what are you guys doing here?", like I wasn't even thinking about it being my birthday.

Kay's dad, who never swore, smacked his hand on the steering wheel and yelled, "Will you get in the G-- damn car. She's having the baby."

I got in and we raced to the hospital. I was wheeling Kay in - you know, in the wheelchair - and this nurse stops us. She's got a clipboard and a pen and she says, "Hold on. We've got to complete these forms before we take you upstairs."

And Kay, in that quiet way of hers, said softly, "Oh, I don't think we have time for that."

Something must have told the nurse Kay was right because she shoved the clipboard at me, told me to start filling it out, and took Kay upstairs.

Fifteen minutes later, Linda was born.

***

I know I don't tell it as well as he did but I just felt like sharing it today.
He always said I was the most expensive birthday gift he ever received.

Growing up, there were times I actually resented having to share my birthday. Every cake always said, "Happy Birthday - Linda and Dad".

As I got older, I loved sharing that cake with him and singing "Happy Birthday" to each other..

I'm very lucky that we got to spend all of our recent birthdays together. Including his last one.

This Saturday, May 9, will be the first birthday I haven't shared with my Dad but I think I'll sing to him anyway.  And I'll put both our names on the cake.
Happy Birthday, Dad.

Okay, I know it's still hump day and you need your funny, so here's a quick joke. (Dad would have loved this one.)

Two little old ladies, Connie & Evelyn, were sitting on a park bench outside the town hall where a flower show was in progress.

Connie leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For ten dollars I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show."

"You're on," said Evelyn, holding up a ten dollar bill.

So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth. Then, completely naked, she streaked (as fast as an old lady could) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, Evelyn heard a huge commotion, followed by loud applause and whistling. Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.

"What happened?" asked Evelyn.

"I won $1,000! First prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement!"'

Come on, you know you laughed.

 And, of course, I wouldn't leave you without your "aw".

How about this one?

 

Snuggle-buddies.

That's it. Thanks for letting me share a bit of my dad today.

Hope we got you over the mid-week hump and cruising to the weekend.
Have a good one.

See you next week.

Thought for Today:

Hump Day Funnies, Plus...

Happy Hump Day

Hi! Before we get to your funnies, a couple announcements. 

(Does anyone know the Cub Scout "announcements song"? I can't say that word without hearing it in my head.)

First - I'm over at The Writing Nut today giving blog buddy nutschell a peak into my writing workspace. I even straightened up a bit (shoveled out a ton of trash and carried the dirty mugs to the kitchen) for her visit so please stop by and say hi. 

Second - There a fabulous giveaway going on at Maria Zannini's.

Four winners will have a chance for a custom designed book cover, one website banner, or a bookmark/postcard. Maria is a professional graphic designer and her work is wonderful so you really should take advantage of this opportunity.

And now....on to our funnies.

I'm going to make you work this morning.

Give me a caption for this one.

(The possibilities are endless.)

Got a lawyer joke for you. 

My apologies to any attorneys (and their family or friends) who might be reading.

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road, drifted right and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now doorless Porsche with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.

After the lawyer wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief, "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "you are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!”

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. . .

"My Rolex is gone!"

I'm not sure if I should apologize for this one. But it made me laugh.

Can anyone relate?

 From lawyers to kids... 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE . God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note:

"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

 I think we're ready for your weekly "aw".

I dare you not to "aw" for this guy.

You know you did.

Before I close, I have to take a second and wish my baby a very 

Happy 40th Birthday.

I love you, Matt.

Okay, that's it. Hope that got you over the hump and coasting toward a great weekend.

Don't forget to stop by The Writing Nut for a look at my little corner of the world and check out Maria's great giveaway.

And give me your best caption for that cat.

See you next week.

Thought for Today:

 He who hesitates is probably right.

Thirty Eight Years Ago

It was supposed to be a plant party.  Really. Plant parties were all the rage in southern California in the 70's. But it was actually a surprise baby shower, for me.  It was a little late for a shower - I was nearing the end of my ninth month - but my friends discovered I never had a baby shower for our first born, courtesy of the Air Force moving us cross-country in the middle of my pregnancy, and they decided I needed one.

Everything was set.  My hubby Stan, who was taking evening classes toward his Masters degree, was starting a new quarter that night.  A friend was picking me up for the party and her husband was going to stay with our two year old.  Just before his class, Stan called to make sure everything was okay.  Remember, no cell phones back then.  I told him I was fine and I'd see him after the party.

Ten minutes after his call, I went into labor.

I called the hostess to let her know I'd was skipping the party without going into exactly why.  She whined and complained about all the other people who had cancelled out and laid a major guilt trip on me, trying to get me to come.  I didn't realized I was the guest of honor. In self-defense, I explained my labor had started.

I called my friend and cancelled my ride, but let her husband know we'd probably need his babysitting services later that night. Then I settled down to wait for my husband.  I wasn't doing this without him.

For the next three hours I dealt with an endless stream of calls from friends insisting I let them take me to the hospital. A couple showed up at the door.  They were panicking.  I was fine.

At 9:30, Stan came hone and wanted to know why I wasn't at the 'plant party'.  I handed him the notepad I'd been tracking my contractions on.  

"Okay, I'll call Art (the babysitter).  Let's go."

"But Rhoda's coming on."  Does anyone remember Rhoda?  I loved that show.

Well, Stan was bright enough to realize you don't argue with a woman in labor.  He told Art to arrive at 10:00 and I watched Rhoda...with a short interruption for heavy breathing every three minutes or so...while Stan dealt with the girls at the plant party who had decide not to let the wine and refreshments go to waste just because I wasn't there (especially the wine) and were calling for continuous updates.

Finally, the show was over and I waddled out and got into the car.

About four hours later, at 2:17 a.m., October 1, 1974, Matthew Alan made his grand entrance into the world. 

This is my favorite baby picture of Matt, sitting in his brother's lap when he was eight weeks old.  He was bright and happy and had a deep throaty giggle I can still hear when I see this picture.

Now he's a wonderful husband and father, as well as our beautiful son. 

Happy Birthday, Matt.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, we did have the baby shower, a couple weeks after he was born.  They didn't try to surprise me.

Quote for the Day: I still can't figure out why he gets the presents today.  I did all the work. ~ LD Masterson