Hump Day Funnies, Plus...

Happy Hump Day

Hi! Before we get to your funnies, a couple announcements. 

(Does anyone know the Cub Scout "announcements song"? I can't say that word without hearing it in my head.)

First - I'm over at The Writing Nut today giving blog buddy nutschell a peak into my writing workspace. I even straightened up a bit (shoveled out a ton of trash and carried the dirty mugs to the kitchen) for her visit so please stop by and say hi. 

Second - There a fabulous giveaway going on at Maria Zannini's.

Four winners will have a chance for a custom designed book cover, one website banner, or a bookmark/postcard. Maria is a professional graphic designer and her work is wonderful so you really should take advantage of this opportunity.

And now....on to our funnies.

I'm going to make you work this morning.

Give me a caption for this one.

(The possibilities are endless.)

Got a lawyer joke for you. 

My apologies to any attorneys (and their family or friends) who might be reading.

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road, drifted right and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now doorless Porsche with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.

After the lawyer wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief, "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "you are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!”

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. . .

"My Rolex is gone!"

I'm not sure if I should apologize for this one. But it made me laugh.

Can anyone relate?

 From lawyers to kids... 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE . God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note:

"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

 I think we're ready for your weekly "aw".

I dare you not to "aw" for this guy.

You know you did.

Before I close, I have to take a second and wish my baby a very 

Happy 40th Birthday.

I love you, Matt.

Okay, that's it. Hope that got you over the hump and coasting toward a great weekend.

Don't forget to stop by The Writing Nut for a look at my little corner of the world and check out Maria's great giveaway.

And give me your best caption for that cat.

See you next week.

Thought for Today:

 He who hesitates is probably right.

My New Fur Friends

Happy Monday. 

(Too cheerful for this early in the week?)

Well, I spend time last week doing some sad-funny remembering and some venting so let's get back to what I meant to talk about before - my trip to visit my good buddy Maria Zannini.

If you follow Maria's blog (and if you don't, you really should), you know she lives on a homestead in Texas. I'm a suburbs girl myself so if was a bit unusual being woke up at oh-dark-thirty every morning by this guy.  

But I was probably more distracted by this little girl.

Her name is Nana, which I found very unsettling since at home my name is Nana.

It was fun watching little Nana staking out her territory in a home shared with Tank and Iko (a couple really big rottweilers) and an older golden lab named Maggie.

 

Don't you love the long-suffering look in in Tank's eyes.

 

 

 Maggie just tried to pretend she wasn't there.

But the best was watching giant Iko and tiny Nana playing tug of war.

(give it a second - it loads slow, but it's a short one)

 

Gotta love Nana's tenacity. 

 

Yeah, I know I should be talking about the work we got done, of the very cool conference we attended or my brand new friend Angela Brown who joined us for the weekend but Maria's fur babies were just more fun.  More on those other things next time.

Joke of the Day: This was a short post so I think you can handle a longer joke. 

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks copy the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

The old man goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by but he doesn't return.

The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him and finds the abbot banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the %#@ R !" His forehead is all bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. 

The young monk asks, "Father, what's wrong?"

 With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...CELEBRATE."

Indies 4 Hire Facebook Event

For all my writer friends...I've got a great event for you.

Starting today and running all this week, Maria Zannini and Gwen Gardner are hosting the

 Indies 4 Hire Facebook event.  

The event will showcase Maria's 

 

and Gwen's 

 

 

The event will also include information and discussion on all kinds of things that affect writers. 

 

Questions and topics welcome. 

 

And you won't want to miss the giveaways.

 

 I'll see you there.

Everyone seemed to like last week's funnies taken from actual court transcripts so here are a few more...

Courtroom Nonsense of the Day:

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Mistress of the Stone - Giveaway Winner

Happy Friday!

Wow, am I late getting this post up.  I had a great group critique meeting last night with the Western Ohio Writer's Association but it ran so late I didn't get to the drawing for our winner. 

My apologies for making you wait.

My thanks to all who entered to win a copy of Maria Zannini's newest,

MISTRESS OF THE STONE

Actually, I didn't select the winner - the author did. I assigned each entry a random number and asked Maria to "give me a number from..."   Well, you know how it goes.  The number she picked belongs to...

...drum roll please...

Linda Grimes

Congratulations, Linda.  I'll be contacting you by e-mail.

And a great big congratulations to Linda on the release this week of her debut novel,

IN A FIX

Check it out.

My thanks, as well, to all of you who left comments and good wishes on Marilyn Meredith's guest post.

So...got any plans for the weekend?

Kid Funnies:  Since I didn't do my usual Hump Day post on Wednesday, I'm closing out the week with a few funnies for you.  These are from children writing about the ocean.  Enjoy.

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6 )

Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7) 

Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6) 

My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6) 

Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant,so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6) 

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7) 

When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6) 

The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6) 

My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7) 

Happy Labor Day

Happy Labor Day to my friends here in the U.S. 

I'm celebrating the holiday by not laboring over a post today.  Finishing up a house project this morning and doing the traditional 'end of summer' cookout this afternoon...if Mother Nature cooperates and doesn't rain on us.

Please come by Wednesday when I'll be hosting author Marilyn Meredith.  She's doing a blog tour for her latest book RAGING WATER and she's got a great contest for you.

And there's still time to enter my giveaway for a free copy of Maria Zannini's newest, MISTRESS of the STONE.  Contest ends at 5:00 on Thursday. 

How are you spending your Labor Day?  Are you sorry to see the end of summer or looking forward to fall?


Medical Bloopers for Today:

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.   (For goodness sake, woman - roll over!)

Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.  (Huh?)

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.  (Um...no comment.)

What Day is It?

Wow, I must be getting really set in my ways.  I post on Tuesday instead of Monday and it throws off my whole week.  It's Thursday, right?  Only it's late in the day so you'll probably read this on Friday.

Well, TGIF, gang.

On Tuesday, I helped Maria Zannini celebrate the release of her new book, Mistress of the Stone, by offering a drawing for a free copy.  Everyone who leaves a comment on that post (unless they ask not to be included) will have a chance to win.  To give everyone a chance to enter, I'll keep the giveaway open until 5:00 PM next Thursday, September 6. 

 In fact, if I get 20 entries in the giveaway drawing, I'll give away a copy to two lucky winners.

So if you missed that post, go back and leave a comment here.

 

Looking ahead... on September 5, it will be my pleasure to host author Marilyn Meredith who will be telling us about her latest release, Raging Water.  Marilyn's also got a very special contest for us, so you won't want to miss it.

 

And on September 17, I'll be having fun with Alex Cavanaugh's latest blogfest, Genre Favorites.

Switching from books to TV.  When I was a kid (back in the dark ages), we had the three networks and maybe PBS and one independant channel that mostly showed old movies. New programming was on from fall to early spring. Summer meant reruns.

Then came cable networks. Now some of my favorites are wrapping up their season in the fall and the cliffhangers are everywhere. My favorite favorite? Burn Notice. Mike, Fi, Sam, and Jesse stranded in Panama after Mike's boss at the CIA tried to have them killed. 

How about you? Are you a fan of any summer cable network shows? What's your favorite? Did it end the season in a cliffhanger?

Funny of the Day:  (Someone told me this one today and I've just got to pass it along.)

It's Easter and the pastor has called all the little children, dressed in their Easter finery, to the front of the church to sit around him.

"Today is Easter," he tells them, "and you all look so beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raises his hand and the pastor says, "Wonderful.  Will you tell us what the resurrection is?"

The boy answers, "I'm not exactly sure but I know if  you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor."

Mistress of the Stone - Release Day Giveaway

Thanks for coming by on a Tuesday.  Not my usual blogging day but I really wanted to dedicate this post to helping Maria Zaninni celebrate the release day for her latest book, Mistress of the Stone.

Don't you love this cover?



Here's a little something about the story.

Mistress of the Stone

Paranormal-Historical

A young woman at the helm of a pirate ship braves ghouls, ghosts and werewolves to find her father--or avenge his death.

Luísa Tavares has a list of sins the length of the Antilles, but there’s no time to repent for them now. When a pockmarked Frenchman hands her Papa’s ring—still attached to his severed finger—she orders the Coral back to the Caribbean, despite her father’s earlier warning never to return.

It’s Luísa’s luckless fate that the only man who can help her is a blasted Inglés pirate hunter who’s more dead than alive and locked in a curse he doesn’t want lifted. Worse, his feral sensuality sparks a hunger she can’t ignore.

Xander Daltry hadn’t planned on kidnapping this wild woman—or succumbing to his uncontrollable desire for her. But he needs Luísa and the moonstone she wears around her neck to rescind a witch’s spell. His sister, long dead, and others like her have been cursed to remain in the mortal plane for eternity. Only the stone can set them free.

The only way to convince the reluctant pirate queen to help him is to withhold one small bit of the truth. For if she learns who really betrayed her father, the longing in her fiery eyes could easily turn to murderous wrath…

I really enjoyed Mistress of the Stone.  Luisa and Xander are great characters, strong willed and determined, each on mission to save someone they love, but what will they have to sacrifice to succeed? The action was fast paced, with twists and turns and secrets revealed every step of the way. There were characters to love and characters to hate and the steamy love scenes were...oh, my... *fans self*

Okay, these two aren't really characters from Mistress.  They're Maria's Pirate Boys, Tank and Iko, but they look so cute, I had to include them.

You can buy Mistress of the Stone from Samhain Publishing here.
Or from Amazon here.
Or from Barnes and Noble here.
And you can visit Maria Zannini here.

Or even better, you can leave a comment for a chance to win a free copy.  Just make sure to leave your e-mail address (if it's not in your profile) so I can contact you.

When the last time you read a good swashbuckling pirate story?


Quote of the Day:  Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates”  ~ Mark Twain

I Need to Buy a What? Horrors!

TGIF

Well, sort of.  You may have noticed a rushed feeling to my posts this week.  Much of that is due to a time crunch of the best kind...trying to get ready for vacation.  This weekend hubby and I are heading to Disney World.  What? You're surprised that a couple old fogies would chose Disney for our get-away?  Would it help if I told you we're going with both our sons and daughters-in-law, and all the grandkids?

It's going to be quite a trip.  I may even bore you with a picture or two when we get back.

But first I have to go through that horror of horrors: buying a new swimsuit.  Sure, I know some women love to shop for clothes, even swimsuits.  They are not overweight grandmothers.  Trying to stuff my body into what passes for a swimsuit these days, while standing under painfully harsh lighting in front of a three way mirror is not my idea of a good time. Which is why I've put it off till the last day.

But Disney World has water parks.  Two of them.  And my grandkids expect me to join them. I do not disappoint my grandkids.

Maybe I can wear a wet suit.

Before I go, I have a couple shout-outs I want to do. 

There's still time to get in on the Meet and Greet contest over on Back to Basics.  Lots of cool prizes there.  Check it out.

Also, check out this awesome trailer for Liz Fichera's latest, HOOKED. 

I've got a true funny for you.  Remember the grandson I hired to do yard work for me (to pay off the glasses he lost at camp)?  His contract specified the work had to be done before Disney World.  Naturally, he put off getting finished until the last couple days.  No problem, it's not like he'd have to work around bad weather or anything in the middle of this terrible dry spell, right?  He's here today to finish and guess what's it doing out.  Can you say "Gene Kelly"?

You've probably figured out that I will not be posting next week.  Look for me again on Hump Day, August 1.  Have a great week next week.

And since you haven't had one for a while, here's a


Groaner of the Day: 

A mother skunk gave birth to twins, whom she named In and Out.

One day In was out, so she aked Out, "Out, go out and find In. In's out and I want him in. I've been looking for him but I can't find him. Go out and find In and bring him in."

"What?" said Out.

"In's out, Out, so go out and find In and bring him in."

So Out goes out to look for his brother In, and within seconds of leaving, he comes back with In in tow. 

His mother asks "Out, how did you find In so quickly?"

In replied...
.
.
.
.

(get ready)

.

.

.

.

(here it comes)

.

.
.
.
"In stinked."


(hey, I'm giving you a whole week to get over this one)

A New Plan and a New Blog

I'll be getting back to more from the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop on Monday but in the meantime  I want to tell you about one tip I'm going to try on my own blog. 

In a session on 'building your brand', the speaker advised us to be consistance - always keep the same voice within our blogs and across whatever social media we may use.  She also said the voice had to be consistant with the purpose of the blog.  Well, that pulled me up short.  To be really honest, I started a blog to build an online presence because I hope to get a novel published someday and it's generally accepted that an author needs an online presence.  So far so good.  I rather enjoy blogging and I like to mix posts about writing with personal topics, general information, and lots of humor.  But I write mystery/suspence, and not the lighthearted kind. 

Uh oh.

So if someone is interested in my suspense novel and they check out my blog and hit a post I've written just for laughs, am I screwed in trouble?

I asked a couple of the workshop faculty and got some mixed responses.  The concensus was I might have a problem. So I'm going to try something of a workaround.  Starting next week - well, actually I started this week - I'm going to follow a new post schedule.  Mondays will be Mystery, Murder, and Manuscripts, where we'll talk about mystery (suspense, crime drama, etc.) or about writing or maybe about writing mysteries.  This will be my serious author day.  On Wednesday, I'm keeping Happy Hump Day.  Just because it's fun.  Friday will be For Everything Else.  Might be serious, might not. 

Okay, that's the plan.  What do you think? Seriously. I'd appreciate your feedback on this.


I also promised you a new blog.  Nope, not mine, but one I think pretty much everyone can benefit from.

Maria Zannini is lauching a blog titled Back to Basics which is tied to her excellent book series and Facebook page The Frugal Way.  As Maria describes it, Back to Basics is "more than frugal living or how to make a few extra bucks. It's about creating the Have-More life without donating a spleen."

Well, who can't use that? 

The official launch of Back to Basics is next Tuesday, although there are a couple warm up posts already in place.  While you're waiting, check out The Frugal Way which is loaded with links to great free stuff.  You need to Like this page.  And I hope you'll give Maria a great launch day on Tuesday - visit, follow, share, tweet, enjoy.  Make her day. 

One final note - I'm going to be away from my computer most of Friday so if you leave a comment - and please do - forgive me for not answering right away.  I'll also be late visiting everyone else's blogs, but I will get there.

Groaner of the Day:  (keeping it short, it's Friday)  This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore

Happy Hump Day and Who Wants to Save Money?

Happy Hump Day.  First of the New Year! 

But before we get to today's collection of sillies I need to mention this...

Maria Zannini is launching a new book series, 

THE FRUGAL WAY

with the release of

SMART BUDGETS FOR BUSY PEOPLE.

I've read Smart Budgets and it's full of great tips and ideas for saving money, bringing your spending under control, and reaching your financial goals.  And you can start saving right away because SMART BUDGETS FOR BUSY PEOPLE  is available on Smashwords and Amazon for only 99 cents. (Such a deal!)

Maria has also set up a Facebook page for The Frugal Way which is full of money saving tips and deals. 

 Please pop over and LIKE The Frugal Way.  Brand new Facebook pages need to feel the love.

Okay - on to today's Hump Day sillies.

Don't you love taking a nice long bath?  Soaking in the warm water. Just relaxing.

Hmmm, doesn't seem quite the same if you're a cat.

But...why?

E.T. Phone home.

Stay away from me.

I will get even for this

Noooooooo!

I'm running a bit long and I think the cats provide enough laughs to get you over the hump, so no groaner today. 

Don't forget to Like Maria's new Facebook page, The Frugal Way.

See you Friday.

Happy Hump Day - and Head To Maria's

Happy Hump Day.  I'm over at Maria Zannini's DIY Christmas today sharing a family favorite recipe.  Hop on over and check it out.  Leave me a comment so I won't feel lonesome.

But I can't leave you without a little something to help you over the hump so here's a sign of the times.

This is the story of the Nativity - electronic style.



Have to toss this one in, too. 

Finally, a Microsoft Windows message we can use.

Have a happy hump day.  Don't forget to stop by Maria's

Groaner of the Day: A guy goes to his dentist for a checkup.  After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"

"Well, the only thing I can think of is... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it - Hollandaise sauce, she called it - and doctor, I'm talkin' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it.  So for the past four months I've been putting it on everything...meat, fish, toast, vegetables, you name it - I'm eating it with Hollandaise sauce!"

"That's probably it," replied the dentist. "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."

"Why chrome?" the man asked.

"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

(I'm so sorry.)