Hump Day Funnies and a Favor Needed

Happy Hump Day

First, thanks for all the poor-baby's last week for my dental crisis.  It took a couple (not fun) dentist visits and I really do miss that tooth, but all is well now.

Next, I want to ask a favor. My dad is seriously ill. He lives a few hours away so I'll be spending a lot of time on the road for a while. If I miss visiting you or if I don't answer your comments, or if my hump day post doesn't happen until Saturday or not at all, please bear with me. Also, for my friends of faith, please offer a prayer for my dad and for all of us who love him so much. Thanks.

Now, as promised...here are your hump day funnies.

This one's a little long but it gave me a good laugh.

I had everything planned and told my wife I would not be going to church with her on Sunday.

She reminded me that Sunday was the Sabbath Day and hunting a trophy buck should not be part of the Sabbath.

So I explained to her…
1. I scouted the area all summer.
2. I searched out the best location for my tree-stand.
3. I set it all up a month ahead of time.
4. I trailed the herd and picked out a trophy buck.
5. Two days before opening day I rechecked every aspect of the hunt.
6. Everything was in place. This was destined to be an epic hunt and I was going.

Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 a.m. I put on my camo, loaded my pack, and set out for my stand.

As I approached my deer stand, I saw...

I called my wife and told her I had decided not to hunt on the Sabbath and would meet her at church.

The Sunday sermon was entitled...  "The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways".

My husband isn't a hunter but I still thought that was funny. 

 

I found another headline I'd thought you'd like.



Good to know.

This isn't a newspaper but it calls for the same question...



Who edits these things?!?

I've got a bit of a problem this week. I can't decide on your "aw". And since my brain is too tired to make decisions, you get a special treat. Two "aw"s for the price of one. (Such a deal.)

These are both dogs so no dog/cat rivalry here. 

And I think there's a theme.

 This guy wants out...

 And this guy wants up.

What do you think? Both worth an "aw"?

 

That's it for today. Are you there? 

Over the midweek hump and headed for a great weekend?

I hope so.

Thanks again for your support.

Thought for Today:

If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

 

Hump Day News and Weather

Happy Hump Day

I sort of feel I should write a serious post today since I devoted Monday to Maria's adorable beasties but it's Wednesday and I know you need some funnies to get you over the mid-week hump.

First, a quick weather update.  Here's what going on outside here tonight.

(Doesn't snow look cool in a camera flash.)

It's that great wet snow that clings to everything. Tomorrow morning the world will be covered in powered sugar.

Now, here's a shocking report from our local paper (okay, from somebody's local paper). 

 Certainly wouldn't have expected that.

Have you seen the latest in gas prices?

Yup, the high cost of gas is driving people to desperate measures.  Got to shave a few bucks off the old grocery bill.

Don't you love a well placed price tag?

Ah, and here's a story of justice at its finest.

I wonder how many he gets before the court realizes where they're going?

 

Here's another news flash for you.

 

Sure glad we have these on-the-spot reporters to keep us thus informed, aren't you?

But I think we have a dissenting opinion.

Wait a minute, isn't that your old school picture?  But I don't see your face.

Okay, enough foolishness. Time for your weekly "aw". 

This one will probably give you a chuckle as well but isn't this the epitome of true friendship?

 A friend in need...

Okay, that's it.  Did I get you over the hump? Did you have a favorite?

Is this storm hitting you or are you sitting somewhere, basking in sunshine?

Coast on down to Friday and I'll see you there.

Thought for the Day:  

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Hump Day Funnies from Across the Pond

Happy Hump Day

And happy August 1st.  What?  It isn't August 1st?  The 15th?!?  How did that happen?

Well, I'm back from our trip to Disney World and apparently from a little extra two week time warp.  But I'm just in time to give you that much needed boost over the mid-week hump and onto the easy slide to the weekend.

In honor of the Olympics (weren't they wonderful?), this week's Hump Day funnies come to us from jolly old England.  The following are little snippets from various British newspapers.

 Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."

(The Daily Telegraph)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

I'm not sure where these came from but they're worth a chuckle:

Don't worry, I haven't forgotten your "aw".  It's a good one.

You know you said it.

Did you have a favorite? 

Please say hi when you stop by so I'll know you haven't forgotten me.  I'll be coming by your blog soon.

Quote of the Day:  By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.  -- Socrates

Caption Contest Winner and a New Batch of Sillies

Wednesday: Happy Hump Day!

Before we get to today's sillies...

Congratulations to the winner of last Wednesday's Caption Contest: Angela Brown. 

I'll be contacting Angela by e-mail so she can select her prize.

Also, if you get a minute, hop back to last Wednesday's blog and check out the last comment I added.  A couple of my grandkids offered up their caption ideas and I promised I'd post them.

Okay, on with this week's Happy Hump Day.

First - well, this one sort of speaks for itself.

This one ties in with the t-shirts I shared a couple weeks ago.  Be careful of the quiet ones.

Well, it's about time - a Windows improvement we can actually use.

You know you've felt this way.  Come on, admit it. 

Now this takes the pressure off.  Forget about that stupid diet.

And you know I wouldn't leave you without your "awwww".

That should do it.  Got you over the hump and on the downhill slope to the weekend.

No need to thank me.

Well, a comment is always nice.

See you on Friday.

Groaner of the Day:  It's well known that some species of fish on the coral reef have adapted to be able to survive the poisonous sea anemone's sting, which gives them a safe place to hide from predators.

What isn't so well known is the story of the single fish that decided to be different. One day he swam away from his protective anemone, in search of some other hiding place.

A first, he swam into a small crevace in the rock, but he very quickly swam out of there, chased by an eel. Then he decided he could hide inside a shell, so he found a nice big one that he liked, but had to retreat from the crab that had got there before him.

Finally, exhaused, he swam into the coral beds, and hid among the brilliant coloured fern-like fronds of the corals.

The next day, when he hadn't come back to the anemone, some of the other fish decided to go out and look for him. The hunted everywhere for him, but they couldn't find him. Eventually, just as they had given up, they heard him calling to them. They looked around, but they couldn't see him anywhere - he was perfectly hidden by the coral.

Finally, he showed himself, and they tried to persuade him to come back home, but he refused - the coral was too good a hiding place to leave.

"After all," he said, "with fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

Caption Contest

Wednesday: Happy Hump Day!

I am so glad it's Wednesday.  Last Friday's post was troubling and Monday's was somber (befitting the occasion).  But today it's time for some fun.  And to celebrate, we're having a...

Hump Day Caption Contest

I haven't done one of these for awhile so let's go over the rules.  Below are five funny pictures.  Give me your best caption for one or more of them.  For each caption you leave in your comment, I'll add your name to the drawing: five captions = five chances to win.   

The winner gets a free book selected from a list (assorted genres) I will e-mail to him/her after the drawing. U.S. and Canadian entries only, please. I can't afford the postage for my friends across the pond (any of the ponds). And make sure to leave your e-mail address.

Ready?  Let see those captions.

1.

2. 

3. 

(Please ignor the caption already on this on. I know you can do better.)

4. 

5. 

Lord, that last one cracks me up.

Okay, did you come up with some good ones?  I love to do this because your captions are the best part of the post.  Hope you enjoy it, too.

You have until midnight on Saturday, June 2, to enter your comments.

Groaner of the Day:  One day, a man decided to learn some new sports. He spent time finding out what was available and after a few months, he called some of his friends to watch him try out some of his ideas.

They all followed him up to the top of a local cliff. Not a big cliff, but still they were puzzled about why he had taken them there.

"Let me show you," he said, and produced from a cage a small yellow bird. He held the bird by the feet, and proceeded to jump off the cliff. 

His friends were obviously worried, but he was fine, albeit slightly bruised, and returned to the top of the cliff.

"Well, " he said, after a pause, "I don't think much of this budgie-jumping."

So, then he revealed that he had also brought a chicken with him. His friends were forced to watch an almost identical sequence of events all over again.

Once again, he hit the sand at the bottom of the cliff, trudged back to the top, and said to his by now growing audience, "Hen-gliding doesn't seem to work for me either."

Finally, he tried once more. This time, it was a parrot. Again, he leapt off the cliff holding the unfortunate bird by the feet. This time though, as he jumped, he pulled out a hand gun, and shot the bird as he fell.

The end results were pretty much the same, though, and he arrived at the top of the cliff with yet more bruises.

The crowd waited to hear what he would say this time.

He paused, scratched his head, and opened his mouth.

The crowd hushed....

Finally, he said: "And that's the last time I try parrot-shooting too."

(Hey, what are complaining about?  That was three groans for the price of one.)

Happy Hump Day - Every Cat Should Have a Dog

Happy Hump Day.

As usual, today I'm just offering a little something to get you over the mid-week hump and onto the downhill slope to the weekend.

I've never put together an easier post.  This week I received an e-mail titled Every Cat Should Have a Dog with eighteen great cat and dog pictures, just perfect for making you smile.  The only hard part was chosing which six to include here.  Hope you like my selections.

Best friends?

Yeah, yeah, I love you, too.

No, he's mine.  You can't have him.

I just love my furry hat.

This one is too perfect for words.

  Bet you said "Aw."

On Friday I'll be talking a bit more about the Erma Bombeck Workshop and telling you about a terrific new blog that everyone will be able to use.

And here's your...

Groaner of the Day: (It's a long one today since this post was mostly pictures.)

Once there was a circus that boasted the great Lion Tamer. The grand finale of his act included placing his head in a lion's mouth.

Unfortunately, the circus was losing money and could not afford to keep all the animals.  Finally the lions were sold to cut expenses but the owner hated to fire the Lion Tamer so he made this offer...

"Your lions are gone but if you can come up with an act with what we have left, you've got a job."

"Well, I do need a job," the Lion Tamer said. "What animals do you have left?"

"Well," the owner said, "the only animal I have left is my faithful old Bassett hound. I'd never sell him!"

"I'll take him," said the Tamer.

So the Lion Tamer worked with the Bassett hound and taught him the entire lion act. The dog caught on right away, but there was a problem - no way was the Lion Tamer's head going to fit into the dog's mouth.

"My foot will fit," the Lion Tamer said, so he tried it, and sure enough the dog picked that up too.

Opening night, the Lion Tamer did the act with the Bassett hound, and the crowd loved it. They'd never seen anything like it before. At the end of the act, when the Lion Tamer put his foot into the dog's mouth, the crowd went wild.

"Encore, encore!" the crowd yelled.

Well, the Lion Tamer hadn't planned an encore, so he thought to himself, "If one foot is good, two is better."

He stuck his other foot into the dog's mouth. The two feet together were too much for the dog and he started choking and gasping, and finally out of self-preservation, he clamped his jaws shut, biting off the Lion Tamer's legs at mid-calf.

And the moral of this story....?

Don't put all your legs in one Bassett.

(Oh, I'm sorry.  That really was bad.)

Happy Hump Day Special - Heeeere's Sophy!

Happy Hump Day.  How ever did you get over the mid-week hump without me these last couple months? 

Since I usually devote my Hump Day post to pictures selected to give you a smile, I'm going to combine that with my important introduction.  I'd like you to meet Sophie.

Sophie came to us from our county animal shelter.  She's approximately six years old but she entered the shelter as a stray so we have no history for her.  She's very friendly with people but not so much with animals.  Gets pretty nervous with other dogs. 

She's also terrified of thunder and lightning.  Something I discovered the first night we had a storm and I woke up to find her sitting on my head.

She's a lady of discriminating taste.  I knew the first day when she checked out every sleeping spot in the house and selected the bed with the Boston Red Sox blanket.  Sophie's a SOX FAN!  That's my girl.

She also claimed the hot tub in the back yard as her special perch.  Not only can she survey her entire domain but the top is nice and warm on a chilly day.

But her biggest claim to fame is her skill as a great white hunter:

I know it's up there, Mom.  I chased it myself. 

Maybe it went around this side.

Well, I'm just going to sit here and wait until it comes down.

Sigh.  I guess I lost it.  What?  Why are you laughing?

Did I miss something?

What raccoon? Where?

That's my girl.  What do you think of her?

Groaner of the Day:  A man walks into a coffee shop, and is given a huge mug which he takes to his table. But when he tries to drink it, he find that instead of coffee, the mug contains a pair of beige cotton trousers. So he goes to complain.

The counter staff are not very helpful, so after arguing with them for some time, he eventually gets them to call the shop manager. The manager is very indignant - "But it's exactly what you asked for", he says.

"No it isn't!" says the customer, "how can this possibly be what I ordered?"

"It's a cup o' chinos", says the manager.

Happy Hump Day

Happy Hump Day! 

And here's a little something to help get you over the hump and on the smooth downhill slide to the weekend.

Remember last week I said I had a great picture and Blogger wouldn't let me load it?  Here it is.

A Real Cowboy Knows No Fear.

I love that.

An important fact for the day:

What is a calorie?

Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at

night and sew your clothes tighter.

MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE SHITS.

This just struck me as funny.

Side note:  I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything,

but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school. 

 How about a prayer for the New Year?  (It's only a little late.)

Dear God,

My prayer for 2012 is for

A fat bank account & a thin body.

Please don't mix these up like you did last year.

Amen.

And on that cheerful note, let's wrap it up with everyone's favorite, the...

Groaner of the Day:  A Russian scientist and a scientist from the Czech Republic had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to the park.

They reported to the ranger station but the chief ranger told them that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented.

The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing. The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. Following the trails of a male and a female bear, they finally caught up with the female.

Fearing an international incident, they decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientist. They killed the female and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

The other ranger responded......

"I guess it means the Czech's in the male."

Happy Hump Day - True or False

Happy Hump Day. 

I have a little brain teaser for you today. Don't worry, nothing too hard.

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?


1 . Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.


18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in 'An Officer and a Gentleman' and 'Tootsie.'

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem. 

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

 22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash. 

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburettor. 

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery. 

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If colouring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

Okay, I have a great picture I planned to insert here but Blogger is being a pain tonight and won't let me upload.  (Stupid Blogger.)  So instead, we'll have to go right to the answers...

scroll down...








They are ALL true .....


I can't decide if I'm more freaked out at the thought of #16 or #2.  (How could Alfred not have a bellybutton?)  

Groaner of the Day:  You seemed to like the short one on Monday so here's another quickie.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.