Hump Day Senior Funnies

Happy Hump Day

Well, I had a pretty interesting week. How about you?

Last Thursday, our volunteer Disaster Recovery Team was called out to help with the clean up from a small tornado that touched down one town over.  Luckily, no one was hurt and there was minimal structural damage but lots of trees down.  Our chainsaw crew cut them up and the rest of us hauled the limbs and trunk pieces to the curb for pickup. 

 Was I sore after? Oh, yeah.

 But I perked up over the weekend for a special event. Our younger grandson's Confirmation.

Isn't he handsome?

He even tied his bow tie himself. No clip-ons for this young man.

(He said it only took him twenty minutes.)

Okay, on to your funnies.

I've done a few little old lady jokes lately. Let's give the guys a turn.

An old man loses his job but, because of his age, can't find a new one. So he decides he'll have to live off his wits instead. He opens a clinic and places a sign in the window that says:

“Get Treatment For Any Condition - $50, If Not Cured Get Back $100.

Limit three visits per patient.”

The young doctor in town sees the sign and figures he will show up the old man and earn a quick hundred dollars in the process, so he goes inside and says, "I need help. I've lost my sense of taste."

The old man tells his nurse, "Bring medicine bottle seven and place three drops on this patient's tongue."

The nurse complies.

The doctor quickly spits out the liquid, saying, "That's not medicine, it's gasoline."

"Wonderful," the old man replied. "You have your sense of taste back. That will be fifty dollars."

The doctor is furious at being fooled and returns the next day to earn back his money. "I've lost my memory," he told the old man. "I can't remember a thing."

"Nurse, bring bottle seven and place three drops on this patient's tongue."

"Wait a minute. I'm not falling for that one again. That's gasoline."

"Excellent. Your memory is restored. Fifty dollars, please."

The doctor pays the fee but comes back the next day for one last try, determined to get his hundred dollars back.

"Please help me. My eyesight is failing. I can barely see."

The old man thinks for a minute then says, "I'm sorry. I can't do anything for you. Here's one hundred dollars."

"Oh no," the doctor tells him. "You can't trick me. That's only a fifty dollar bill."

"Congratulations, your eyesight is all better. That will be fifty dollars."

I guess the moral of the story is...don't mess with senior citizens. 

And for you teenagers who think you're putting one over on your poor ancient teachers...

Nope, you're not fooling anyone.

Running a little long here so let's go straight to your "aw".

The caption almost made this one a "funny" but the poor little guy was an "aw" for me.

How about you?

Did that do it? Enough of a boost to get you over the hump and coasting toward the weekend?

I hope so.

That disaster work has put me behind schedule on a couple end of month deadlines (and the month ends TOMORROW! Yikes!) so I won't be visiting anyone for a few days. I'll try to catch up soon.

Congratulations to everyone who completed the A-Z challenge this month.

Please stop by next Wednesday. I've got something special for you.

Have a great day/week/weekend.

Thought for Today:

Ain't it the truth?

A Little Theology, a Little History, a Few Laughs - Yup It's Hump Day

Happy Hump Day

I'm a little late today so let's jump right in.

First, a theology lesson.

Yeah, he'd know that one.

Here's one for our favorite seniors.

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing
through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

"You appear quite elderly to be driving," he said, concerned

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."

 

"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?"

"That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.  I told him I did and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore'.

So I thanked him and left!"

 

I think she was driving in front of me yesterday.

 

 

 

Do you know what a "Knocker Upper" is?

 

Well, before alarm clocks, there were "knocker uppers."
Mary Smith earned a sixpence a piece for shooting dried peas at sleeping workers windows in London.

 

And we all know what you were thinking. 

(Shame on you.)

 

 

This is a good one for writers.

 

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get six.

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

 

Okay, ready for your "aw"? 

 

This one's a little different but I think we need to remember that adorable isn't limited to dogs and cats.

Aren't these guys worth a good "aw"?

That's it.  Did we get there? Did you find something in today's post to get you over the mid-week hump and on the downhill slide to the weekend?

Great. My work here is done.

Thought for today:

Sometimes I just sit around and think how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Hump Day Funnies and Funny Seniors

Happy Hump Day

Someone commented last week that these hump day posts are just as good on Thursday or even Friday. I hope that's true because this one's going up pretty late on hump day.

I grabbed this picture for a friend of mine who just had her first son - a beautiful little boy.

Now to the other end of the age spectrum...

Do you know no one believes seniors?  Nope, everyone thinks they're senile.

Case in point:

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally." 

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, "We’ve got to give it back." 

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. 

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" 

Sally said, "No." 

Andy said, "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic." 

Sally said, "Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile."

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. "Tell us the story from the beginning." 

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..."

 The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "That's it. We’re outta here."

I love that. And I've got enough gray hair to pull it off. 

Now if I could just find a bag of money.

This picture just made me laugh.  

In case the font is too small to read, the heading says:

"Understanding Women" is now available in paperback.

 

 So true.

Okay, one more joke. Staying with the battle of the sexes.

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over two months."

 Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over..............women like that are hard to find."

  

And I wouldn't forget your "aw". Got a sure-fire one for you today.

Who could resist those eyes?

You know you said it.

Okay, that's it for today. Did we make it? 

Are you over the hump and coasting to the weekend? 

Great. My job here is done.

Have a fantastic weekend and I'll see you on Monday.

Happy Halloween.

Thought for the Day:

Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.

On Getting Older - Hump Day Funnies

Happy Hump Day

A friend of mine (you know who you are) recently referred to my husband and I as "old geezers". Evidently she hasn't heard that sixty is the new forty. Or the recycled fifty. Something like that.

Anyway, I decided to devote today's Hump Day post to the joys of old age. Some of you kids (twenty and thirty somethings) might not fully appreciate these but I guarantee my older followers are going to enjoy a good laugh.

First, a wonderful video by the very funny Pam Peterson on Memory.

Hmmm, this one's on memory, too:

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down, looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headedfor the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered. I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane's voice, "Ken," she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

Diane retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!"

This vid by George Younce is on another joy of aging.

This one just made me laugh.

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

(you gotta love this...)

"Well," he replied, "Today's the viewing."



I was hunting for a good "aw" picture in keeping with today's theme but didn't come up with one.  Hope you like this one instead.    

It worked for me.

Okay, that's it for today.  Hope you all (young and old) found enough smiles, chuckles, LOLs to get you over the midweek hump and on the downhill coast to the weekend.  Did you have a favorite?

Senior Thoughts for Today:

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

(Personal note: Welcome to my newest follower.  Hi, Sweetie.)

In Praise of Senior Volunteers

I spent Wednesday gutting a house. It had been severely damaged by a tornado last spring and I'm part of a church-led disaster recovery team that's going to re-build it so the couple who lived there can come home.

As you've probably noticed, I'm a grandmother.  No spring chicken.  But I was by no means the senior member of the work team that went out on Wednesday.  If fact, I think I was one of the younger ones.  Almost everyone there was, if not eligible for Medicare, at least ready for AARP.  We put in ten hours of manual labor, got that house completely stripped and ready to begin re-building on our next trip.

Surprised?

I wasn't.  I worked for the American Red Cross for twenty years.  Although my paid position was a desk job, I had the opportunity to work a number of national disasters.  You know who I was working alongside much of the time?  Yep - a whole lot of seniors. 

That's not to say there weren't plenty of younger volunteers as well. I am in awe of those volunteers who use their annual vacation or even take unpaid leave from their jobs to go to a disaster site and do whatever needs to be done. These people are phenomenal and I salute every one of them.

But seniors get a bad rap sometimes.  They're a drain on the country's resources.  Medicare. Social Security.  (We have the nerve to think we should get back some of that money we've been paying into the system for the last seventy years.)  Hell, NBC even cancelled Harry's Law - not for poor ratings but because the show's viewers were too old.

Are you a fan of statistics? I found a couple.

• Between 2008 and 2010, 18.7 million older adults contributed over 3 billion hours of service.
• Yearly value of this service to the U.S. economy was over $64 billion.
• 52% of seniors volunteer their time to unpaid community service.

 

Is there a point to all this?  Maybe not.  I guess I just wanted to thank all those seniors who have earned the right to kick back and relax but choose instead to rebuild someone's home, work a disaster shelter, feed the hungry, comfort the sick and disdraught, care for the homeless, give underprivleged kids a leg up, try against all odds to protect the environment, etc.   

 

Okay, that's all.  Have a great weekend.  See you on Monday.

 

Friday Bloopers - medical variety:

 

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

 

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.  (ow!)

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.