Without Rhyme or Reason

Happy Hump Day

I'm not happy this morning. I have to break in a new baby doctor. No, not that kind of baby doctor (heaven forbid!). 

I should explain. Last fall, my family doctor, who'd been taking care of me for 35 years, was killed in an accident. When I got past grieving for the loss of this wonderful man, I realized I had to find a new doctor.  I put off the search for several months and when I finally started looking, I discovered our area is experiencing a shortage of doctors in family practice, so much so that no one is taking new patients. Except this one practice who just added a new doctor to their staff. The emphasis on "new". I'm talking fresh out of residency, ink barely dry on his license new. I've seen his picture. He looks younger than my grandson. He's a baby!

I hate going to a new doctor.

Okay, moving on...

If you're hunting for the theme in this post, good luck. I couldn't find it either.  Instead you're getting a random assortment of things that made me laugh. Or at least chuckle.

But not giggle. I don't believing in giggling. It's undignified.

This first picture is an actual screen shot of my phone's weather app taken yesterday.

Either it was really, really cold or my phone is having a nervous breakdown.

(It's better now.)

You know what's fun to do in bad weather? Sit around and think up ways to make people crazy.

Like these...

I like number two.

A friend told me this little story the other day.

I went over to the local gun shop the other day to get a small 9mm for home protection.   

When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." 

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. 

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I realized she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!! 

 I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. 

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.  

 I still don't think I looked that bad..................................... 

That was NOT me.

You know I can't do a hump day post without at least one funny pet photo.

I understood this completely. Not too fond of spiders myself.

Hey, did you realize Lent begins today. I always try to do something to improve myself during Lent. Like exercise. I've got a great plan if you'd like to try it. 

 LD's Super Exercise Plan

1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

2. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

3. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bag.

4. Then try 50-lb potato bag and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

5. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato into each bag.

Hee hee hee.

(You saw that coming, didn't you?)

Time for your "aw".

I'm going traditional with this one - dog and baby.

But look at that face.

Come on, you know you said it.

That's it for today.  Are we there? Over the hump?

Excellent.

Did you have a favorite?

As I mentioned, I'm going to be off breaking down...er, in the new baby doctor this morning so I won't get around to visit anyone till later.

Wish me luck.

Have a great week and I'll see you next Wednesday.

Thought for Today:

My younger grandson turned 14 on Monday. The family had plans to go out for dinner but there was this big snowstorm so they stay home, ate in, and retired to the hot tub on their back deck. I've done the "hot tub with snow falling" bit and it's really quite nice. My grandson, on the other hand, decided it would be more fun to jump out of the tub, race around the yard in his swimsuit, and flop into the snow making snow angels.

Oh, to be young and stupid again.

(Happy Birthday, Cooper.)

They Walk Among Us...and They Vote

Happy Hump Day

No, this hump day post isn't about politics. Heaven forbid. But it is about these little moments that make me concerned for our future.

Like this guy.

Do you think he could have figured out a better way to shade his eyes?

How 'bout this one?

Think he'll figure out how his bike got stolen?

Ah, a little karaoke. 

But I can barely hear the girl in the middle.

Um, hey, buddy...I know a way you could stay drier.

You'd think someone would show him.

For this one I have no words.

Okay, how about a little phone idiocy?

These are from actual call center conversations

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'
Operator:  'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'

Caller inquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe: 'If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...' 

[Directory Inquiry]
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please.'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'

And my personal favorite

Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'

Scary, isn't it?

Now I think we need a good "aw".

I've seen this one before. Heck I might have posted it before. But it absolutely gets me every time.

Bet it got you, too.

That's it for today. Hope you're over the hump and sailing toward a fantastic weekend.

Did you have a favorite?

Take care, be good, and I'll see you next Wednesday.

Thought for Today:

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Lucy, You Got Some 'Splaining To Do

Happy Hump Day.

Ever have one of those day were things just went wrong? 

And even worse was having to explain to your boss/spouse/customer what happened.

Wouldn't you love to hear the explanations that went with these?

"I'm going to be a little late for the funeral. Why? Well, you see..."

"Um, Boss, I had a slight problem with the delivery..."

"Sweetheart, I picked up that paint at the store so you wouldn't have to. But the funniest thing happened..."

"This is Ajax Cement Company. Are you the owner of a gray..."

How about these cases of foot in mouth disease?

In a seminar for wives on keeping a loving relationship with their husband, the women were told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."  They were then instructed to share the text message they received in response.

I'd love to hear the husbands trying to explain away these replies? 

1. Who is this?
2. Did you crash the car again?
3. How much you need?
4. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
5. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

This next one is your public service announcement for today.

This is from an interview Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky on her 101st birstday.

Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?

Hattie: For better digestion, I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine. For low blood pressure, I drink red wine. For high blood pressure, I drink scotch. And when I have a cold, I drink Schnapps.

Reporter: When do you drink water?

Hattie: I've never been that sick.

There you have it. The secret to long life.

(Never say this isn't an informational blog.)

 

I usually try to avoid captioned pictures for your weekly "aw". I think the picture alone should be enough. But this one...well, haven't we all felt this way?

 

Kinda ties back to the pictures above.

And there you have it. Your hump day funnies for this week.

Did they work? Are you over the hump?

Excellent!

Did you have a favorite?

(Are any of you so young you don't know where the title of this post comes from?)

Have a great day/week/weekend!

See you next Wednesday.

Thought for Today: 

"We don't see things the way they are. We see them the way we are."

Dog Thoughts and the London Tube - Now That's a Pairing

Happy Hump Day

It's a nippy (single digits) day here in Ohio. There's snow on the ground and more on the way. If you're in New England or even New York, you have my sympathies. Stay safe. If your someplace warm and sunny...I hate you.

Just kidding. (sort of)

 I really don't mind winter but I do miss being able to open the dog door. The sliding glass door leading to our backyard didn't lend itself to a year-round dog door but we found this cool device that lets you install a flap door in the screen. Of course, it only works if the glass door is open and just the screen door is closed but it's very nice in the summer.

Anyway, our Sophie has figured out that we always respond to her scratching at the door - assuming she needs to go out. So she's taken to scratching at the door when she wants something to eat and when one of us walks to the door to let her out, she runs over to her food dish. She's on a diet right now so these calls to the food dish (or the area where the food dish would be if we've picked it up) are getting annoyingly frequent, but I know the one time I ignore her will be the time she really does need to go out.  

If only we could hear a dog's thoughts...

Oh yeah, I've had a few that were probably thinking this.

This is why saying "no" doesn't work.

I'm not sure about this one but I've had it for a while and it always makes me smile. Plus it looks like spring and some of us could use a little spring today.

Okay, we've had church ladies and hospital staff and English students. Let's finish off the month with London train drivers.

This is supposedly a list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers. I wasn't there but based on the sense (senses?) of humor of my British friends, I can believe these.

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "We are now traveling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad  news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

5) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

6) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

7) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

8) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

9) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

10) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

Gotta love 'em.

I have to admit today's "aw" is personal. My mom had Chihuahuas and I remember one that looked just like this. Her name was Tuppence.

Worked for me, How about you?

So, did we get there? Are you over the midweek hump? 

Going to make it to the weekend?

Great!

Did you have any favorites?

Have a wonderful week/weekend and I'll see you next Wednesday.

Thought for Today (on friendship):

Cats and English Students - Always Good for a Laugh

 Happy Hump Day

Hope you're here for your hump day funnies because I've got some good ones for you today. But first I want to indulge in a quick Nana moment.

I'm a regular blood donor. My grandson recently turned sixteen (the minimum age for donating) and went with me yesterday to give blood. He said he thought it was important. Knowing how he feels about needles, I was really proud of him.

 

As we're still finishing up the Christmas holiday, I have to share this one.

 

That poor kitty will never be the same.

We didn't have a white Christmas here but we have had quite a bit of snow and cold since New Years.

 

 Hey, he'll be okay. Cats are resilient, right?

I've heard they're also very brave... 

but I hope this one listens to his friend.

That could be ugly.

Okay, so far this month we've had church bloopers and hospital chart bloopers. How about some words of wisdom from our students - specifically high school English students? 

For your reading enjoyment, I give you...

Annual English Teachers awards for best metaphors/analogies from student papers.

 His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

(And my personal favorite...)

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law George. But unlike George, this plan just might work.

Ah, the future of literature is bright.

I stayed with kitties for all today's pictures...er, not including my grandson.  It was the expression on this cat's face that made this one an "aw" for me. Pure bliss.

Don't you think so?

Did we get there? Are you over the mid-week hump and sailing toward a great weekend? I hope so.

Did you have a favorite?

Have a great week. I'll see you next Wednesday.

Oh, and as we're getting into the new year, I want to offer this 

 

Prayer for the Year:
 
Dear Lord,
 
My prayer for 2015 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.  Please don't mix these up like you did last year. 

AMEN!

Guilty Dogs and Hospital Confusions

Happy Hump Day

Sorry I'm a little late posting this morning. It was one of those days where I just couldn't get out of bed.

You know the feeling.

And then I had to deal with this.

Personally, I don't believe them.

Then I got downstairs and found this!

Seriously?!?

Okay, I have to be honest. I didn't face any of that this morning. 

Well, maybe the getting out of bed part, not the other. My Sophie is very well behaved.

No more excuses. Let's get to your hump day funnies.

Everyone seemed to enjoy the church bloopers last week so I'm staying with that theme. But church ladies aren't the only ones who can give us a laugh. Today we have... 

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS 

Actual writings from hospital charts 

(Parenthetical thoughts are mine.) 

1 . The patient refused autopsy.  (Wouldn't you?)

2. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.  (Could be a problem.)  

3. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.  (For pete's sake, someone roll her over.)

4. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.  (Check under her legging.)

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.  (Ya think?)

6. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.  (How's that again?)

7. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.  (Well, I'm glad we've got that timeline straight.)

8. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (OMG!)

9. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.  (Huh?)

10. Skin: somewhat pale but present.  (Could be very messy otherwise.)

11. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.  (Couldn't we use a table? Bed? Something?)

Gives you second thoughts about going to the hospital, doesn't it?

Now you need a good aw.

I admit I may have used this one before but I came across it again and it always gets me.

 Poor guy. Don't you want to give him a treat?

 Okay, that's it. Did we get there? Are you over the mid week hump?

Excellent!

Did you have a favorite?

Have a fantastic week. See you next Wednesday.

Thought for Today:

It really is that cold here.

First Hump Day of 2015

Happy First Hump Day of 2015

I've been thinking about making some changes to my blog routine but, to be honest, I haven't quite worked out what I want to do and since this is your first hump day of the new year, I'm staying with my usual hump day funnies. 

But first, let me ask you...did you have a good New Year's celebration?

You didn't party too hard, did you?

Oh good. I wouldn't want you to end up like this.

Or feel like this.

But you're okay, right? Wonderful.

Today's funnies come from those dear church ladies, who give us these wonderful 

Church Bulletin Bloopers.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.  (Oh my.)

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. (You'll need a really big envelope.)  

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. (And the robes are getting a little shabby, too.)  

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. (Ouch.)  

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." (Um...)

These last two feel related...

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. (I really must start my New Year's diet.)

Thank you, Ladies.

Now for your weekly "aw".

I know we see a lot of little animals with their stuffed friends but this one was a definite "aw" for me.

Was it for you?

Okay, are we there? Over the hump of this first full week in 2015 and sailing toward the weekend?

Great!

Did you have a favorite? 

Have a fantastic week/weekend and I'll see you next Wednesday, if not before.

Question for Today...

(I'm sorry. But it is sort of post-Christmas and I thought it was funny.)